My exBPD lover sent me an article about not brushing off women as "crazy"

[Diana82]

I wish I'd never asked her why she now misses me after she avoided me. I started a war 

I should have just accepted her "I miss you" message and taken it in my stride. Let her come to me if she missed me.

It's part of my personality to try to understand people and their behaviour, esp if it doesn't make any sense to me.

I'm also aware of people trying to play games with me (which I thought was the case at the time).  But in the last 3 weeks, I've witnessed emotional deregulation like I've never know. This isn't someone who is playing games deliberately... she's unwell.

So I am wondering how to stay friendly with someone emotionally unwell.

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[Grey Kitty]

Time for you to work on accepting some things.

She doesn't have to be "friendly" with you if she doesn't want to. Doesn't matter if you want it.

In addition, with BPD, she is unlikely to interact with you in a purely friendly and simple way. This push-pull dynamic is what she will do. With commitment and practice on your part, you can find ways to reduce the impact of this on you, and perhaps the magnitude of it eventually.

Accept that this is who she is, and she isn't going to change, any time soon, if ever. What contact do you want with her as she is?

The more clear you are on what you want with her, the better off you are, and the better and cleaner your interactions with her will be.

Wanting her to understand your motivations, intentions, or feelings is not going to help you that way.

[123Phoebe]

(cross posted with Grey Kitty)

I want her to know that I know she has "issues"  but that I don't view her as "crazy".   And that I honestly want good things for her.

I just don't know how to let her know this, without engulfing her or making her explode again... .

What is the purpose of wanting her to know that you know she has issues?

So I am wondering how to stay friendly with someone emotionally unwell.

 

Can you find a way to accept it in your heart that she has issues, since you honestly want good things for her, without telling her flat out?  Protect yourself from her issues.

[Diana82]

well after her initial lash out text session which resulted in me being hurt and confused... she added that she was "destroyed" from this.

I thought it was a bit over the top at the time and responded by saying "destroyed? I'm sad to hear this. I had no intention of starting a fight or making you upset. I'm sending you a virtual hug. Hope you have a nice Friday "

she said "thanks for my hug. I'm really sorry I reacted. I know you didn't mean to attack me, you just have a knack for finding my insecurities. Hope your day is lovely"


... .at this point I should have just LEFT it alone.  My bad.


Instead, I wanted to know WHY I 'find' her insecurities... what I do to make her this way. So i responded saying I didn't know what triggers her insecurities but I am understanding etc.

So I suppose I opened up a can of worms by asking her to elaborate!   


On some level, I feel that I contradicted myself by getting angry at her for sending me that article about labelling women as crazy. This felt like her way of opening up to me after I showed patience and understanding.

This is why I feel a bit bad

[Diana82]

Ok... yes, maybe telling her I know she has issues will inflame her!  eek. She knows I know she has issues anyway- that's why she sent me the article.

I'm thinking of sending her a final nice message but then disengaging... .

just because the last message I sent her was a bit harsh (for someone with BPD).

I could say in a week maybe  "I'm sorry others think of you this way and I'm sorry if my message sounded a bit harsh. I want good things for you and I hope you have a great Christmas break"

do you think this might be a good way to end things?  and if she responds with another backhanded message, I can just ignore it

[Grey Kitty]

What do you mean by a good way to "end things?"

Do you mean end your r/s with her? If so, no, it doesn't sound like a clear goodbye at all.

Or do you mean just try to end the current fight by txt message?

[Diana82]

Sorry I meant end the fight

[Diana82]

I don't see us ever dating again.

I feel like I've been split.

But it might be possible to be on friendly terms again...

I just wish i hadn't retaliated to our message. I could have just remained calm.

I've shown that I can be super emotional too

[Diana82]

not sure if I mentioned this to you in this thread here... but I saw her riding her bike down my street last week when we were fighting! 

I don't know why she was... as she lives on the other side of the city and it would take her an hour to cycle to my suburb. And she doesn't know anyone in my street area (that I know of).

I told my friends this and they are not surprised and said "nothing surprises me with her"  and that she probably was stalking me or wanted me to ask her if that was her. More 'baiting'... .

Do you think I should ask why she was riding down my street? or not bother... .

The curiosity is killing me! 

[Surnia]

A big  , Diana.

Its such a hard place with all these thoughts.

[Diana82]

Thanks Surnia 

I guess if I do send her a nice message, I must be prepared to either be ignored or to receive another "I'm sorry too, you just make me act so bad"  message back.

In which I will need to have willpower not to respond to. 

my issue is that I have not just let things be.

But I think now I know that she has severe emotional issues and I feel more aware (esp with BPD symptoms). I may be able to resist the urge to respond if she does come back with something passive aggressive... .

[Diana82]

I've wanted to send her this tips article for South America travel for ages.

She is going to South America for the first time soon.

We always had travel in common... .

I was thinking of sending it to her along with the "hope you're alright" message.

Maybe this could establish a friendship and at least wont centre around the fight or her issues.

Do you that may be a good way to be friendly?

[Surnia]

my issue is that I have not just let things be.

Diana, this is one thing you can work on. 

You cannot change her. You cannot make things undone. Imagine you would like float in the water. The more you will move and swing your arms and legs in all directions the more you will sink and panic will increase. Trying to roll on your back, very smoothly and calm, and you will float easily.

[Diana82]

This is true...

I tend to panic when people are upset with me. I like harmony 

I think it would make me feel better to send her a nice message.  I have consistently been nice and I don't believe she is malicious. I believe she has issues and is undiagnosed.

I think being assertive and having boundaries is good though. You shouldn't have to put up with abuse...

[DreamGirl]

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