Obligatory First Post

[mcgoggles]

@Kells, involuntary commitment.
Kells and Rev, I appreciate your help.
I wanted to consult you both about a conversation I had today with a family member.
My uncle has been taking care of his wife for some time. My aunt has a sever case of bipolar disorder, where she'll go into violent rages or manic hysteria- she's a writer and she once shredded one of her manuscrips. He's 60 and he's been dealing with her mental illness for over 15 years now- so I trust his advice just as much. We currently have an extremely precarious financial situation. I lost a job that paid more, then our rent went up and now I work at a grocery store. We've had to beg friends for help with rent and and we're out of favors. Because non-for-profit programs that help with rent don't offer much help until you're being evicted. My uncle has suggested to either coerce her or force her hand into therapy to collect disability because it would would help with two problems.
He has suggested using the ultimatum of continued radio silence or outright separation. This seems totally contrary to what you've both just told me, but the financial factor here is ramping the difficulty level from 'Hard Mode' to 'Brutal'. I'm sort of at a loss at the moment because frankly, if we did face eviction and were left homeless she'd likely take the boy back up with her family and I probably wouldn't fight her at the point.
And to clarify, I don't want a seperation- my goal to get through this and not destroy myself in the process.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hi...

Give me a day or so to sit with this.

Sound okay?

Rev

[mcgoggles]

there was a typo where I wrote "my wife has bipolar" where I meant to say "his wife" or "my aunt". ADHD means being prone to typos.

[Rev]

there was a typo where I wrote "my wife has bipolar" where I meant to say "his wife" or "my aunt". ADHD means being prone to typos.

You know - I have a mild form of dyslexia and I didn't catch the reversal!  LOL.

Get back to you soon.

Rev

[mcgoggles]

@kells
one thing I will openly admit that would hurt my credibility is my anger. Often she will intentionally thwart things, cancel plans or throw her things away to upset me. I, in turn, scream and then leave to cool off. She intentionally pushes buttons, especially in front of the child which consciously or not, is an excellent way to make him run to her than me. At one point early in our relationship I was much less angry and loud but in the past few years it's easy to get a certain point where I think "she's already decided to destroy everything, might as well oblige her and destroy her feelings too". I'll admit that's what I should not do but I'm willing to bet there's more than one spouse on this forum who has been pushed to the point where they know the difference between right/wrong but frankly don't care.

I am going to do my damnedest to get through this. I do want to retain my own marriage but I don't think I would tell anyone with bipolar or anger issues to continue a relationship with a borderline. I would say it's far too volatile a combination to sustain.

~about 30 minutes later now and I'm more calm. I don't like those feelings, by my mood disorder is a handicap for this fight.

[kells76]

Hey, good to hear from you again.

one thing I will openly admit that would hurt my credibility is my anger. Often she will intentionally thwart things, cancel plans or throw her things away to upset me. I, in turn, scream and then leave to cool off. She intentionally pushes buttons, especially in front of the child. At one point early in our relationship I was much less angry and loud but in the past few years it's easy to get a certain point where I think "she's already decided to destroy everything, might as well oblige her and destroy her feelings too". I'll admit that's what I should not do but I'm willing to bet there's more than one spouse on this forum who has been pushed to the point where they know the difference between right/wrong but frankly don't care.

OK, that sounds like good information to know about yourself. And yes, coping with a pwBPD pushes us to our limits. It can be excruciating. Our limits show up in a lot of different ways -- for you, it is sometimes screaming, anger, getting loud, and getting back at her. For others, it can be that, or it can be more internal -- checking out, going numb, suicidality, drinking, etc. This is hard stuff.

One thing I read is that even though you talk about screaming back, you also mention leaving to cool off. Leaving to let things deescalate is a good choice, so give yourself credit for that.

What do you notice in those moments right before screaming/getting loud? Does that feeling escalate pretty fast, like too hard to catch (one moment you're mostly fine, the next split second you find yourself screaming)? Or are there times when you notice "I'm in the middle of heading towards wanting to scream" and it feels like maybe you can catch things before they escalate? How would you describe your experience?

...

In terms of your credibility, legal-wise, again my thought is that -- there's a big difference between someone in your shoes who says "Yeah sure, I yelled, but, she deserved it", and someone in your shoes who says "I found myself in a place that I'd never want my son to think was OK, and when I had that realization, I decided to try ABC instead... I wasn't always successful, but I tried hard to change".

Lots of people are angry, and lots of people get big when they get angry. That's normal. And it's normal to be pushed to the edge by what pwBPD do and say. But some people acknowledge it, and some don't. It would say a lot about your credibility to try some baby steps to address parts of your anger expression that you want to change.

You don't have to tackle everything at once. It could look like telling your P: "When my buttons get pushed, it's really easy for me to slam doors, and I don't want to do that any more, but it's really hard to get out of that habit. What would you recommend?" Your P might know about a book for you to read, or a workbook to take home, or an online class you can sign up for. Basically, it's not a lost cause. It's what you do about noticing these parts of your anger expression that makes a difference. You can focus on just one part for starters -- like door slamming, or yelling certain words, or XYZ. One step at a time.

I am going to do my damnedest to get through this. I do want to retain my own marriage but I don't think I would tell anyone with bipolar or anger issues to continue a relationship with a borderline. I would say it's far too volatile a combination to sustain.

In my own way, I get what you're saying. My H's kids' mom has many BPD traits, and that has made me never want to recommend being a stepparent to anyone else. It is beyond difficult.

...

One more thought just hit me -- have you heard of the book The High Conflict Couple, by Alan E. Fruzzetti? While I haven't read it yet, this part of the description made me wonder if it could be a good resource for you:

Some couples need more than just the run-of-the-mill relationship advice to solve their problems in love. When out-of-control emotions (BPD) are the root cause of problems in a relationship, no amount of effective communication or intimacy building will fix what ails it. What these "high-conflict" couples need is help regulating the emotions that provoke the "escape or win" mode of interaction that has come to define them.

Might be something to check out.

Hope you have some times of peace and quiet this weekend -- maybe doing something fun & chill with S7?

Talk with you soon;

kells76

[mcgoggles]

@kells
re: my temper it seems to be two types: pressure building up from consistent comments, resulting in a premeditated explosion or a knee-jerk reaction because she's just said/did something so upsetting or absurd to give me little time to process it. There are some occasions where I'm lucky enough to catch myself. It's very The last therapist whom I saw for an extended period was trying to help me prevent explosive outburts by re-directing anger (clenching fists, breathing etc) which is only helpful when I'm out in public, because at home I can only go to my room in our apartment. Leaving the building entirely means she'll be just as volatile when I return. I will do my best to look into this book.

[Rev]

@kells
one thing I will openly admit that would hurt my credibility is my anger. Often she will intentionally thwart things, cancel plans or throw her things away to upset me. I, in turn, scream and then leave to cool off. She intentionally pushes buttons, especially in front of the child which consciously or not, is an excellent way to make him run to her than me. At one point early in our relationship I was much less angry and loud but in the past few years it's easy to get a certain point where I think "she's already decided to destroy everything, might as well oblige her and destroy her feelings too". I'll admit that's what I should not do but I'm willing to bet there's more than one spouse on this forum who has been pushed to the point where they know the difference between right/wrong but frankly don't care.

I am going to do my damnedest to get through this. I do want to retain my own marriage but I don't think I would tell anyone with bipolar or anger issues to continue a relationship with a borderline. I would say it's far too volatile a combination to sustain.

~about 30 minutes later now and I'm more calm. I don't like those feelings, by my mood disorder is a handicap for this fight.

Hi McGoogles,

So I am going to do three things here that frame what I'm going to add -

1) Get straight to the point. This is because we're in a written forum and it's easy to get mixed up. That being said, direct language in writing can sound harsh. Please imagine that we're in a safe place right now, just you and me and Kells and we're having the beverage of choice.

2) I am going to say now that I am adding to what Kells has offered, not in the form of more things to think about doing, but instead in terms of being. In any action plan where the stakes are high, there are three things that really need to harmonize as best as possible - a) The action you take  b) the demeanor with which you act c) your own personal disposition towards yourself as you are acting.

3) Let's look at this:  your own personal disposition towards yourself as you are acting.  I would say that most times in high stress we think about our disposition towards the other person. This is natural because we want to mitigate risk in times of high stress because trust is low.  Make sense so far?  Okay - so reverse the mindset that you have. What personal self regard do you have for yourself - because the measure that you are able to treat yourself with respect is the measure that you will run less risk (note "less" - not "eliminate") of setting things is worse direction (note "worse" - because it is already bad.)

Take a breath - let that sink in until you can feel it taking root or being grounded in your sense of self.

Now...

Here is what I am going to add.  Please take what ever makes sense and make it yours.

Whatever you decide to do, there is no currency in blaming yourself for bad behavior in the past. That only prevents you from doing the right thing.  In all the advice that Kells has given you, and the resources that are at your disposal please answer for yourself the three following questions:

1) What is the most important thing for my child, right now?

2) What am I willing to do to provide that, and what is holding me back? (Answer this on a personal level. Do not factor your wife's presence in the matter for now. Just focus on yourself. If you are afraid of your wife, for example, look at the source of your fear rather that focus on how to change her behavior).

3) What help is around me to close the gap (either materially or personally on an emotional level) from acting on what is in the best interest for my child. (Again, do not factor your wife in the picture.)

I'd like to add this now, because I think the time is correct. What you have written here has been pretty consistent. Your wife fits the profile of a domestic abuser. I'm not sure how that lands for you? It can be hard for that to come into focus, especially for men The reason why I am saying this now, is to hopefully prevent you from second guessing yourself on one hand - and putting any idea of "convincing her" or putting an "ultimatum in front of her".  Abusers have simply no concept that anything could possibly be their fault.

The rest of what you try to put in motion is totally contextual. Only you can know the precise details of the advice you are getting about concrete action can look like.

I'm going to stop there and I'd invite you to come back to me with any specific questions you may have before I say more.

Again, Kells has given you good concrete advice. I'm really here to prop you up.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[kells76]

Hey mcgoggles, hope the last few days have been OK for you -- keep us posted on how your weekend goes and how you and your son are doing, whenever works for you.

-kells76

[mcgoggles]

The past week had been way better until this evening.

She said she'd joined a 'women's group' which frankly could mean anything but I gather it's some kind of support group and she's smiled a bit more- even gotten less upset. Evidentially she did go somehwere because when I came home from work there were flowers and some reading material (I think?). I didn't ask much about it because her just doing this on her own was in itself amazing.

We'd discussed going on a family outing but I threw away a food card that would have gotten us a discount. She got extremely upset, I got defensive saying I thought we wouldn't need it because she said there was no point in re-applying for the benefits. She insisted I'm intentionally trying to thwart us and we're in dire straights because I want us to be, I stormed to my room. She loudly told our son that nothing was happening tomorrow because "dad doesn't want us to".  I got my clothes on and was ready to literally go out to the dumpster to look for it. She told me she'd lock the door if I did so.

I lost my patience,threw open the door, told her that I hate her and will never forgive her, she told me the same and then accused me of infidelity. I then replied that I won't ever forgive her for not getting mental help. Minutes later I her her tell our son that her and him will go out tomorrow. I blocked her phone number- it's something I do after arguments, then unblock it later.

Now I'm not sure if there was progress or this was just her on the good end of a 'split' for the past 8 days. It sucks because she took initiative on her part to walk by herself outside and join a group to talk to people.

@rev frankly I have too much to make any drastic or immediate changes. I am too busy trying to further my career, provide for my family, pay bills AND keeping my brain from trying to kill me. I have state caseworkers trying to find me better work, which would at least give me a chance to catch my breath and form some kind of plan; I don't even know if we're making rent this month. Unless some sort of external factor enters the equation I cannot do much. I am tired and weary. Locking myself in my room, leaving when I wish, refraining contact/proximity with her and going to my job are the best coping mechanisms I have at the moment. Taking my meds still ensures I can deal with it better than I used to. I am not strong enough to withstand being homeless with a kid and a destroyed career because I know what kind of person I'd become.  I don't know if it sounds like Stockholm syndrome or laziness but I've been spinning a lot of plates for the past 8 years.

An old supervisor of mine said his friend knew it was time to separate from  his wife when she stabbed him in the leg. I'm not saying I'd like to be stabbed, but at the very least it would be an undeniable turning point.

I am an artist and I play video games, so at the very least I DO have multiple outlets because frankly I'd be dead by now if I didn't. At my last job I took calls for a hospice company and you'd be amazed how many people had become cruel wardens who safely provided for their partners while simultaneously keeping them isolated and alone in retaliation for years of verbal abuse. I'm pretty sure I could end up like that, keeping her in a gilded cage purely out of spite for the years of abuse, what she's done to the boy and my career and this is why I spend some much time alone in my room doing the things I like,it's my shelter. I don't know how many bpd partners end up resorting to that kind of cruelty but if there are any who thought about it or got to that point I'd like to know how they got out of it. I think these feelings come from a place of feeling trapped and so our thoughts and emotions stagnate.

So I guess the three takeaways at the present time are
1) she sought support of her own volition with no immediate improvement
2) I am hiding in my bunker while I devise a plan to change any part of this.
3) I am trying to stop a future timeline where I am an evil villain.

[Rev]

@rev frankly I have too much to make any drastic or immediate changes. I am too busy trying to further my career, provide for my family, pay bills AND keeping my brain from trying to kill me. I have state caseworkers trying to find me better work, which would at least give me a chance to catch my breath and form some kind of plan. Unless some sort of external factor enters the equation I cannot do much. I am tired and weary. Locking myself in my room, leaving when I wish, refraining contact/proximity with her and going to my job are the best coping mechanisms I have at the moment. Taking my meds still ensures I can deal with it better than I used to. I am not strong enough to withstand being homeless with a kid and a destroyed career because I know what kind of person I'd become.

Thanks for sharing this. If I overwhelmed you, I certainly didn't want to.  If this is where you are at, and the questions have allowed you to understand that this is what you need to do, then I hope you can make these choices with more certainty - even if they are only the best out of a list of not so great choices.

Given what you are sharing here tonight, what, if anything, can we offer you to raise your morale? Even if only a little.

Hang in there.

Yours are the words of a man who has a big heart.

Rev

[mcgoggles]

are there any members who have been or is there a thread about a partner with bipolar/depression who has fought off suicide while living with a significant other with bpd?

are there any grounding techniques I can use to make sure I know my perception isn't being warped when she makes me question my own judgement?

[Rev]

are there any members who have been or is there a thread about a partner with bipolar/depression who has fought off suicide while living with a significant other with bpd?

are there any grounding techniques I can use to make sure I know my perception isn't being warped when she makes me question my own judgement?

Yes!  And that is a GREAT question.

Give me a day - and I will cut an paste them to this thread. 

In the meantime - are you inclined to read up on things like this?  If you have the gas, then I can recommend two workbooks - but I don't want to overload you.

Rev

[Rev]

Here's the first tool I wanted to send to you:

The TELEPORTATION TOOL to cognitively defuse from emotional distortion.

Tools are things that require practice. And like any new skill, the best thing to do is to start learning to use them when the stakes aren’t too high, where stress levels are low. And to do this every day until it becomes second nature. It will take a person anywhere between 30 and 100 days for a new habit to become fully integrated. And remember, in the tougher situations, choosing to do nothing until you have thought it through is in fact a choice of action.
 
TELEPORTATION is a tool that should be put into effect once you have mastered the DROPPING ANCHOR meditation.  Teleportation builds on the clarity that Dropping Anchor brings and takes it to the next level. The TELEPORTATION TOOL is tool to keep emotions is their proper place and intuitively come up with a response to a situation. Emotional distortion – for example, maybe feeling things bigger that the situation warrants – can cause us to make choices that at the time seem like they serve our purpose, but when we see things in the “rear-view mirror”, we realize that we misread the situation.
So, how can you sort through a situation confidently when it is emotionally charged?

Here is how it works:

1)   Review the DROPPING ANCHOR meditation and make sure you’re on solid ground.
2)   Now, in the same kind of comfortable sitting position you are using (with eyes closed or staring in front your nose) begin to invite the situation you are trying to sort through into your conscious mind. Try not to problem solve so much as feel through it.
3)   Ask yourself some clarifying questions: What are the presenting issues of the problem? What outcome are you hoping for? Why is this situation important to you? What challenging emotions are present?
4)   Allow all your possible responses to come out of your intuition.
5)   From there – formulate a conscious plan about how to respond to the situation. Do this in stages starting with the big details like what you want to communicate, the deadline you are hoping to arrive at resolution, the outcome you are looking for.
6)   Next – begin to refine this plan. Imagine the various actions that you would take and the kinds of things you might say. Continue to work out of your intuition. Even if at first the ideas that are coming seem crazy to you, follow the path that they lead.
7)   Throughout this, continue to notice the challenging emotions that are present. Are they changing? Getting stronger?  Fading away? 
8)   Pause – ask yourself why this might be happening?  Is it because the way you perceive your attachment to an outcome is changing, or is it because of something else?
9)   Bring the plan of action fully into your consciousness. Write it down if you need to.
10)   Now that the plan is there, begin to a cost-benefit analysis through sober, clear-eyed thinking. If negative self talk begins or you find yourself engaging in wishful thinking (like someone will miraculously change their character), stop and start the whole process over. This takes practice, and its normal to need to do it more than once.

[Rev]

Here's the second one ...

The DROPPING ANCHOR meditation to defuse from cognitive distortion.

Cognitive distortion is something that can happen when our emotions flood our thoughts too fast and we experience turbulent thoughts.  This can cause us to fixate on a particular thought that is likely not based on an accurate reading of the situation (for more on this – consult the Emotions Intelligence Chart and the Balancing Thoughts and Emotions Chart with me). Once the mind begins the fixate on a idea, the emotions that led to it are now part of that idea. We say that the emotions have become fused to your thinking. Here’s a way to de-fuse and start thinking more clearly – a way to find a Clear Moment.


HERE IS HOW IT WORKS:

1)   Sit in a comfortable position.  You might want to start with a Box Breathe (A box breathe - breathe in for 2 seconds, hold for 2 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds.)
2)   Take a moment to let a stressful thought come into your mind. Focus on the thought itself, not the situation that causes it. Allow the thought to come close enough that you can feel the stress but not so close that is overwhelms you. This is called “optimum stress”.
3)   At this point – you have two choices: You either open your eyes so that you can focus on your immediate surroundings OR you can keep your eyes closed and focus on your bodily sensations. Either works and you may want to do both if you wish.
4)   In your focussing, move from being aware of your thought to the situation that is causing it. Allow your image of it to be as complete as possible.  Again, be aware of optimum stress.
5)   If you have your eyes closed – be aware of the bodily sensations you feel. Focus on no more than three sensations. Stop the mediation and write down the sensations.
6)   If you have your eyes open – be aware of the room around you. Note the first three things (i.e.: a painting, a chair, a rug) the come to your mind. Stop the meditation and write down the things.
7)   Take a break and then begin to meditate on the list of three sensations or three things you just listed. Do this with your eyes closed or by focussing on the three inches in front of your nose so everything else is out of focus.
8)   Take note of the emotions that you are feeling.

It is really important that this not become a crutch to escape facing what things need to be worked through. So once you get the hang of how it works that generating images or sensations, then turn your focus to dealing with your challenging thoughts.




As your thinking evolves, you may need to use the DROPPING ANCHOR meditation more than once over the course of a few weeks. BUT, if you do, do not force the issue. Once a week is enough. Pushing will turn this into a crutch of avoidance rather than a tool to deal with your distorted thinking.

Once  you are at a place where you are de-fused from the emotions that are causing your thoughts to occur, then you can begin to rationally analyze them to see if they have their place in the situation. Emotions from the past have a way of following us around and attaching themselves to new situation in the present.  So the conversation becomes about whether what you are experiencing is actually happening in the present, or is the emotion distorting your thinking because it’s attached to your past.

You’ll notice that I try to shy away from calling emotions “good” or “bad”. I also don’t like the word “negative” to describe emotions because the word “negative” is loaded often with shame and guilt. I prefer the word “challenging” because it describes effect the emotion is having on you. If you can identify an emotion as challenging, then it opens the door to asking yourself why you are feeling challenged by it.
 

[Rev]

 Both are handouts from a therapist I know.  I have their permission to share this here.


 

[mcgoggles]

So. I'm going to do something that no one here so far will likely recommend.
I am going to tell her she needs to get help, ASAP. I have been the only provider attempting to do the work of 2 people for the last 8/9 years. I don't make enough money nore do I have enough hours to truly pay our rent; I had to make GoFundMe just to pay our rent. She either needs to get a job or go disability to help.

My career and networking opportunities have been destroyed over the years becauseI was seeing everything through her eyes.
I've been speaking to her friend, the LPC,  in private and she supports this decision. I really hope she takes if upon herself to do this if for no other reason but to have a more comfort life, but we'll see.

For the past few months I've been a client of a state program for people with disabilities who are helping me get closer to my career trajectory, but if everything still has to revved around her BPD it's going to end the same way.

Wish me luck.

[Rev]

So. I'm going to do something that no one here so far will likely recommend.
I am going to tell her she needs to get help, ASAP. I have been the only provider attempting to do the work of 2 people for the last 8/9 years. I don't make enough money nore do I have enough hours to truly pay our rent; I had to make GoFundMe just to pay our rent. She either needs to get a job or go disability to help.

My career and networking opportunities have been destroyed over the years becauseI was seeing everything through her eyes.
I've been speaking to her friend, the LPC,  in private and she supports this decision. I really hope she takes if upon herself to do this if for no other reason but to have a more comfort life, but we'll see.

For the past few months I've been a client of a state program for people with disabilities who are helping me get closer to my career trajectory, but if everything still has to revved around her BPD it's going to end the same way.

Wish me luck.

Good luck !

[SaltyDawg]

I am going to with you luck.  You also have my prayers.  I will also offer up my own personal version of what you are about to do, perhaps you can learn from my errors in judgement.

I am going to advise extreme as 'I know' you are going to do it anyways, I did it too in spite of recommendations to the contrary - drill down on my alias, and see what I previously posted, you have several hundred pages to read through.  

Do I regret what I did.  No, actually "Hell NO!"

I told my pwBPDw my unofficial diagnosis - the results are mixed.  She now has partial awareness versus total denial.  She no longer thinks I am the one who needs to be fixed.  Does she believe she has BPD, the answer to that is NO.  

You need to plan meticulously.  You need to figure out what your pwBPD already knows about themselves.  The more conventional they are they better your odds.

I informed my pwBPD about the following she was aware of:
1.  6 suicide attempts
2.  Domestic violence incidents for which she was reported for by the T after admitting to it in session.
3.  Incidents of projected violence that she admitted to doing
4.  Behaviors of myself and our children resulting from her 'rages'.
5.  Personality conflict at work although with a NPD individual.
6.  Her misdiagnosis of the most common comorbidities of anxiety and depression with medication that doesn't really work.

Whatever she was not aware of or previously indicated denial on, I did not bring up.  I also did this in front of her individual therapist.  Her individual T is totally awesome and has addressed the most damaging symptoms so far.  We still have a ways to go; however, it is going to be a long journey with many setbacks along the way.

Drill down on my posts to see my journey, I made the diagnoses in the beginning of September, it is now just about 5 months later, and there has been marginal progress.

The level of effort required to deal with this is borderline-like, a 110% effort is required, obsession level.

Short version of events:

1st week September, I attempted to enlist friends and family for a borderline interdiction, much like an alcoholic interdiction, while sympathetic, they did not assist as they didn't understand or believe what was going on - I carefully selected the persons who actually witnessed a major splitting event - the suicides and rages were not observed by anyone outside of the immediate family.

2nd week of September she had projected violence [a new trait]; couple's T who previously thought I was a NPD based on my uBPDw's false narrative, sympathised with me, and indicated that I was 'perhaps' correct after witnessing several BPD like behaviors 'in session'.  This couple's-T then ghosted us but gave me the parting gift of telling me to express my observations to my wife's individual-T.

3rd week of September, I expressed the above to my wife's individual-T, and offered up some books on BPD.  She partially read them.

4th week of September - the silent treatment - her rages stopped, and there was relative peace in the house.  I enjoyed the lack of drama, as did our children.

1st week of November - I started a new individual T, as my psychologist realized he was in over his head.  I meant to send a message to the individual T; however, it was accidentally sent to my D - D was horrified and called my wife a 'monster' - this was the trigger or catalyst to get my wife to become partially self-aware of her issues, and started to actively address her issues in a productive manner.  I also went from my D's persecutor to her rescuer in the drama triangle.  Throughout the month of November things were progressing nicely, almost too good, reasonable boundaries were erected by both me and her, her T was appling BPD principles on me [so my wife could be taught the principles, I recognized what was going on] and ...

1st week of December
... it was too good, Domestic Violence #5 occurred, she self-sabotaged the progress.  Almost every week thereafter until last week, there was some kind of boundary violation.  My wife split me hard during the previous two couple's sessions.  The couple's T went from my persecutor to my rescuer when she observed my wife's irrational behaviors.

Today, was the first session since November where a boundary had not been violated, and good progress was made.  I fully expect, based on historical behaviors this will only be a temporary measure, but I am hoping and praying for the best.

I have a large team working on these issues, and it will require herculean efforts to accomplish your desired result.
1.  Couple's T, too many to count, but on the 2nd one since I realized my wife is uBPD.
2.  Her individual T, she is on her first one, upon the recommendation of the 1st couple's T.
3.  My individual T, first one was a guy with a PhD, was in over his head, recognized the BPD-like behavior, and alerted me as to what was going on, and got me a supervisor type [his trainor] to assist after he realized he was in way over his head.  I am on my 2nde individual T, and she gets it.
4.  Family T, formally my son's individual T.  Once #3 identified BPD, and I shared it with #4, my son's and adjusted for it.  my son's oppositional defiance tendencies were corrected in two months, after little progress of two years.  I knew the uBPD was a correct one at this point in time.
5.  BPD Family - indispensable, special shoutouts to NotWendy, Sinister Complex, Rev, ForeverDad, and several others.
6.  Facebook Groups -  including one for borderlines run by borderlines - instrumental in understanding the way a borderline thinks and understands the world - it will take a month of continual reading to really appreciate their dysfunctional views.
7.  A friend who I met on a facebook group, not the one specifically mentioned in #6 but one for who lives with a person with BPD.  We have been able to share our stories with each other and learn from each other - very similar to this support group of BPD Family.

In aggregate I get a month of more worth of therapy every week which include a view of how the borderline mind works some really revelatory type stuff.

So. I'm going to do something that no one here so far will likely recommend.
I am going to tell her she needs to get help, ASAP. I have been the only provider attempting to do the work of 2 people for the last 8/9 years. I don't make enough money nore do I have enough hours to truly pay our rent; I had to make GoFundMe just to pay our rent. She either needs to get a job or go disability to help.

My career and networking opportunities have been destroyed over the years becauseI was seeing everything through her eyes.
I've been speaking to her friend, the LPC,  in private and she supports this decision. I really hope she takes if upon herself to do this if for no other reason but to have a more comfort life, but we'll see.

For the past few months I've been a client of a state program for people with disabilities who are helping me get closer to my career trajectory, but if everything still has to revved around her BPD it's going to end the same way.

Wish me luck.

[kells76]

Hi mcgoggles, thanks for the update -

So. I'm going to do something that no one here so far will likely recommend.
I am going to tell her she needs to get help, ASAP. I have been the only provider attempting to do the work of 2 people for the last 8/9 years. I don't make enough money nore do I have enough hours to truly pay our rent; I had to make GoFundMe just to pay our rent. She either needs to get a job or go disability to help.

My career and networking opportunities have been destroyed over the years becauseI was seeing everything through her eyes.
I've been speaking to her friend, the LPC,  in private and she supports this decision. I really hope she takes if upon herself to do this if for no other reason but to have a more comfort life, but we'll see.

For the past few months I've been a client of a state program for people with disabilities who are helping me get closer to my career trajectory, but if everything still has to revved around her BPD it's going to end the same way.

Wish me luck.

Have you had a chance to follow through yet? If so, how did it go?

If not, how are you planning to have the conversation? What is important to you to make sure you communicate? And what's your plan for knowing that she may say or do things that escalate the situation?

Glad you got to talk to the LPC about it. Keep us posted on how we can be helpful;

kells76

[mcgoggles]

Not a good first attempt.
Did it right after work. She was in a fairly good mood so I did bring it up and yes, all the things that you said would happen did. I know my wife well enough to expect the reversal, the blame shifting and the defensiveness. I realize we are absolutely not supposed to bring up the idea to them that they have it, but because she's acknowledge our son's learning disability- and that I've at least made some noticeable changes- I feel backing it up with facts and statistics can make it something to at least make her consider her perspective could be off.

I brought up what the sort of household usually leads to BPD, then brought up her brother's current state. I stressed as much as possible that I'm not blaming her for how things are. I did make it know that because of my own mental illness, I took her view of things as gospel and it's caused a lot of problems up to this point. This lets her know that she's not at fault for the bad decisions that have been made, nor mine- but also perhaps she shouldn't be the one making the decisions for the household.

I restated the fact multiple times that I had to crowd-fund just to pay our rent and that I should not be attempting to earn the income of two people- since one partner working hasn't feasible for decades. I was pretty solid that needs to be another source of income. I told her she can do this by either getting a job or applying for disability, and either one of these would require seeing a therapist. She has a county caseworker and I recommended she talk to them about this.

I have a job interview this coming week that would pay significantly more money- to the point we could afford rent and pay all our bills- but this still won't solve things. Every time I got a job that paid more than the one before, she always insisted on using the extra cash to feel more comfortable (always ordering food, impulse buys etc) and that unless a change is made, this means we will always struggle.

She got quite emotional. She kept insisting most of our problems were my lack of confidence. She began to blame my family. I told her that I didn't have anything else to say, and went to my room. She said that me insisting she go out and get a job being around men on the bus or the workplace that could potentially harass her, was misogynistic. She also insists she's been out of the workforce too long and lacks training to do anything but work in fast food. She took about 30 minutes to research disability just to tell me BPD is extremely hard to prove to qualify. Bottom line of her rationale is she has no choice to not work and stay home and that I am a selfish baby who doesn't want to work (actual words).

After which I blocked her number. I do this after arguments because I don't need to read paragraphs of vitriol and make myself feel worse. Partners should not be in each other's heads, especially in this situation. I went to bed as I often do after work. We didn't talk for the rest of the evening. I went to work the following day, and unblocked her number.
Still not as much talking but more quiet than angry. We're back to how it was before now- except she's less angry because she had her second women's group meeting which appears to have a very positive effect on her.

So nothing actually happened, except now she knows I feel this way. I'm going to continue to tell her this though.
I didn't bring up the possibility of separation at the time because frankly I was too scared- which is also probably why it wasn't taken seriously.

[SaltyDawg]

McGoggles,

   Thanks for the update.  I am following your progress, so I might be able to gain additional insight, as I am several months into my own journey of making my pwBPD self-aware and making things better in my relationship with her.

   I started at the beginning of September, and it is 5 months later when I can actually say that there has been some significant progress.  It is going to be a monumental task in front of you.  There will be setbacks.  You need to be persistent and consistent.  It requires unconditional love and forgiveness.  It also needs to break the drama dynamic.  This route is not for everyone; however, if we are to stay together it must be done.

   Perhaps, view your first attempt as a 'seed planting tool'.  Where you have planted the seed of 'awareness.'  Water it, gently, nurture it slowly, and let it germinate and grow.  I've recently been successful using this exact tool, it took 4 months to implement, but we were able to achieve two major compromises which would have been previously impossible with her.  It works, you just need to learn, and be persistent about it.

   With regards to the new job; perhaps, not share the bump in pay with her - be honest, but just don't disclose the exact amount.  If pressed, tell her that it is similar if it is less than a 50% difference, with a better work arrangement [come up with other legitimate ways to 'sell' the new job].

   Don't overload the negative statistics, nobody likes being told they are wrong, you don't want to trigger her too much.  You know your wife the best, proceed accordingly.  Do be firm, and loving, not critical.  Don't make her defensive. 

   Instead of blocking, I would suggest 'ignoring' her while you yourself are triggered by her.  If the DND [do not disturb] doesn't work, temporarily mark her number as SPAM, and then unSPAM her when you are ready to read it.  I find with my wife, if I read in between the lines on this 'hate' stuff, I can discern what she is triggered most by, and use that information to avoid triggering her in the future.  It works for me, it might work for you too.

If you are seriously thinking about separation -- abandonment is the central issue of all borderlines.  Do this with extreme -- if your conversation is received with contempt, use this also needs to be done as a 'seed planting tool' and casually mention that you...
'I haven't given much thought to this; however, I am starting to consider that we might want to separate'.
Follow up at least one week later to a month later with 'I am really considering that we may have to separate'
The next follow up to 'We need to separate and move into less expensive places to make this work'.
The next follow up have places picked out, and share those places [to make it a reality, that this is really happening]. 
NOTE:  At this point you must be committed to executing the move if she doesn't comply - or Don't Do It.
The next follow up, go and visit the places that you mentioned, to show that you are serious.
Finally, the next follow-up execute your plan - she will have had several weeks, if not months to process what is going on, and it won't be as impactful for her.
Always put at least a week between steps, but not more than a month.  Make sure that she knows compliance with your boundary [getting a job, or getting assistance] she can break your intentions of following through with the separation - I assume that this is your intention, if not, then you need to be honest with your intentions.

I am sharing with you what I have learned through my own experience in this area where there is no map/instructions to navigate.  Disclaimer:  What works for me may not work for you, as our pwBPD are more often than not different; however, they do have some similarities.

Good Luck, take care.  Please continue to share your insights and experience, and I shall continue to share mine in return.

Also, make sure you do self-care through all of this, as the upcoming weeks and months are going to be more difficult than they previously were as change is exceptionally stressful for the borderline.

I didn't bring up the possibility of separation at the time because frankly I was too scared- which is also probably why it wasn't taken seriously.

[mcgoggles]

Thank you, Saltydawg. I appreciate your input as someone in the thick of it.


This advice makes sense although I don't know that I agree with all of it.
As far as blocking her number I don't feel especially bad about it. She says lots of horrible things about me to our son, she says lots of awful things to me all the time. Not a lot of people get to question what she says or how she says it so I think it can be necessary to show her there is a limit.  Out of the two of us, she knows how to push my buttons since I'm more consistent with my emotions than her. Rather than have her trigger me into shouting poisonous things, I lock myself away. She then in turn uses this as fodder to prove to our son I don't care. Having a mood disorder myself there are times when I go out of my way to make her feel isolated. Prior to her I never experienced a desire to be cruel but when she gets me to a certain point I will make an effort to be even less talkative and more isolating. She says after I started taking my mood stabilizes Ive become sort of a robot, and while I don't necessarily disagree I think it's helped me approach her with stuff like mentioning therapy.

I'll have to keep making tactical movements where I approach her when she's calm and then run for cover. Much of the reason why I lock myself away is at one point she agitated me to the point where I experienced for the first time ever in my life homicidal ideation ( Rev and Kells I didn't withhold this information I simply forgot until today) as opposed to suicidal, and a couple days after I told her as much, which mysteriously didn't phase her or anger her nearly as much as when I accidentally used our only cash to start the washer instead of the dryer. I talked to my psychiatrist about it as well and he agreed distance was a good idea for the foreseeable future.

She is most approachable when our kid is at school because then she doesn't have to constantly watch him. Because of his behavioral problems she becomes a lot more unpredictable and volatile. If I had brought it up in front of the child she would have done everything possible to harm my emotionally/mentally and additionally she'd use the boy as a weapon as well.

So I dunno SaltyDawg- I get the feeling my progress will likely be way slower than yours. Part of the reason I decided to act now as opposed to later is the rent situation- because I feel at that point I would just immediately break up if that happened. The more I have to work like this to pay the rent the less likely I am to make progress in convincing her. Unless some intervening factor changes this I don't have many options and this relationship will continue in purgatory; I can either work to death to keep my kid sheltered or try to help my relationship. I don't think anyone would have the strength for both.

Edit: and again, bi-polar here so I might not feel as angry at her or helpless in the next 48 hours (I was definitely pushed today) but presently I don't believe I can go any further with the conversation unless at least one stresser is taken away.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you, Saltydawg. I appreciate your input as someone in the thick of it.
You are welcome, I am giving my input from my perspective, and what works in my particular situation.  Yours is definitely different that mine.  I would expect you to listen, and use only the portions that are relevant to your situation.

I'll have to keep making tactical movements where I approach her when she's calm and then run for cover. Much of the reason why I lock myself away is at one point she agitated me to the point where I experienced for the first time ever in my life homicidal ideation (Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Rev and Kells I didn't withhold this information I simply forgot until today) as opposed to suicidal, and a couple days after I told her as much, which mysteriously didn't phase her or anger her nearly as much as when I accidentally used our only cash to start the washer instead of the dryer.

I hear you that you have your own issues especially with a homicidal ideation [towards her?].  This is very concerning to me, and now I can understand why you would completely block the venom being directed at you, rather than deferring that venom to a time when you are less triggered.  Her ability to 'push' your buttons, and make you react towards her is extremely triggering for you and I can understand avoiding this information at 'all costs'. 

I talked to my psychiatrist about it as well and he agreed distance was a good idea for the foreseeable future.
I am glad that you have talked to your psychiatrist about this.  Please be sure to bring up these feelings again with him for as long as you are having them.  Make arrangement for extra sessions to deal with this if these homicidal ideations continue.

With regards to your 'homicidal ideation' -- DO NOT ACT ON THIS IN ANY WAY OR FORM!  You will be reducing yourself to her level, and perhaps even beyond.  You are much better than that.  If you follow through on it, it will ruin your life, it will end her life, and it will leave your son without both parents, as one will be incarcerated, and the other will be dead.  I have personal experience with this from my own step brother who did exactly that.  He is rotting away in jail right now, his wife is dead, and their daughter fortunately has been adopted by her uncle, after she lost both parents with one being the murderer and other being murdered - I also offered to their take her into my family and was part of the custody hearing; however, the killer's daughter is much better off with the uncle that took her in, in light of my uBPDw's issues.

The reasoning why I suggested keeping and reading them after you were no longer triggered, was to gain additional insight into her thought processes when you were less triggered at her and can process that information more effectively.  I do this with my wife's communication towards me, and I often can gain additional insight into her thought processes in order to avoid triggering her even further.

She is most approachable when our kid is at school because then she doesn't have to constantly watch him. Because of his behavioral problems she becomes a lot more unpredictable and volatile. If I had brought it up in front of the child she would have done everything possible to harm my emotionally/mentally and additionally she'd use the boy as a weapon as well.

I get it, I hear you, she is a manipulative .  You CANNOT let this 'get to you'.  Please remain calm.  You recognize when she is more triggered, and you also recognize when you yourself are more triggered, this is a good thing as you don't want to lose control of your own emotions, nor do you want her to lose control of hers.  Keep your priority on your child, as he is the more 'innocent victim' in all of this.  Do what is right for your son.  Do take care of your own issues, as only you can do that for yourself - being with a psychiatrist is an excellent way to do this, please talk to your psychiatrist about this.

So I dunno SaltyDawg- I get the feeling my progress will likely be way slower than yours. Part of the reason I decided to act now as opposed to later is the rent situation- because I feel at that point I would just immediately break up if that happened. The more I have to work like this to pay the rent the less likely I am to make progress in convincing her. Unless some intervening factor changes this I don't have many options and this relationship will continue in purgatory; I can either work to death to keep my kid sheltered or try to help my relationship. I don't think anyone would have the strength for both.

Perhaps it will be slower.  Perhaps, it can go faster if you can think outside of the box, and come up with a creative solution?  Do what is best for both you, and your child.  Keeping your son sheltered is very important.  I get it, it really sucks supporting everyone with no reward, and working your $$ off only to have nothing to show for it, including no emotional rewards. 

Keep talking, keep venting, do not act on your impulses, keep a cool head, and do the right thing for your son, and yourself.

Take care.  Do self-care too.  Clear your head, and choose DBT Wise Mind in these matters.

[mcgoggles]

Okay,

I regret vocalizing the homicidal ideation bit, since it makes me appear like an unreliable narrator.
I haven't had that occur since that time (roughly 2-3 months ago) and it hasn't happened since. If I wasn't in depressed mode from the earlier confrontation I likely wouldn't have even divulged it- mood stabilizers don't always keep away depression, especially under stress.

I messed up. I finally had enough and I gave her an ultimatum of: go to therapy, we go to couples' therapy or we are getting divorced.
What happened next over the next 90 minutes was terrifying. She screamed, she got in my face. She told me I never wanted to be with her and that I don't care about her and the boy, which made him cry. She cradled him as he cried and she told me to leave. She reminded him (and does so) that I initially asked for us to have an abortion when she was pregnant. She has always reminded me of this and says it in front of him.
I told her that I wasn't leaving and that if I didn't care I wouldn't be telling her she needs help. When I wouldn't go to my room, she grabbed my neck and hit me- I shoved her, which she then used as proof that I'm violent. When I re-iterated she needs to get help she just made a terrifying screeching sound at me. She said she was taking the boy with her and that he wanted to be with her and I regret what I did next.

I divulged to her what my son once told me while she was away with a friend; he said he wanted her to go away and just him and I to be together- to which I told him neither of us want that. She turned to him and asked it this was true. He nodded 'yes' and then turned on him. She crumpled up his permission slip he was supposed to take to school (he forgot today) gave him his evening meds early and sent him to bed early while he cried.

She got her coat, said she wasn't coming back and hoped she'd get hit by a bus, then walked out the door. I knew she wouldn't be gone for long so I made sure to comfort the boy and reassure him his mom didn't hate him but that she was sick. I've had to tell him this before. 10 minutes later she tells me she's gonna text her dad (and likely her brother) to come and hurt me. She tells the boy that he can figure out how to make his food and go to school and make doctors appointments because she's washing her hands of him.

He did cry but fell asleep soon after. She came into my room, told me she was done with dealing with us two "a*s holes* and that she was finally living for herself.


This was all horrible. Somehow I stayed calm during this. Why I was so calm I don't know- could be because I didn't want the boy to be afraid any more than he already was, could be that I can't see her now as anything but a extremely ill person who I feel bad for, or it could be that I was scared of her.

I recorded multiple times during the altercation. I've been recording for the past couple days.

If I could have her voluntarily committed at this point I would; but I'd just be doing that to feel safe and not to help her.

So yeah. I've consistently let fear or emotions get the better of me throughout all this and it got way worse than I was prepared for.
I got work tomorrow. Because of how much she was yelling that meds/psychology arent real and don't work I'm taking my med bottles with me to work tomorrow. I'm also taking the laptop I was just given by my caseworkers because I worry she would I either look through my history or simply break it.

I'm going to talk to my uncle tomorrow since he's been asking me to keep him informed, and also because he's been taking care of his wife who is mentally ill. Either because of her, or her family I'm a little scared right now.

[kells76]

Hey, glad to see you posting again. It takes guts to be honest with others about everything you're going through, not just the "tidy" feelings.

While I can't write back at length right now, I wanted you to know I saw your post.

You and your son ok to make it thru the night? Does he have school tomorrow?

-kells76

[mcgoggles]

He's got school. I know her well enough to know she'll take him but she won't be very patient. Borderlines flip I know at some point tomorrow she'll be congenial- might even try to be as loving as possible to prove she loves him more than me.

For the time being I have to pretend like I'm not scared. I'm going to work like normal, I'll come home, go to my room and go to sleep. I really REALLY doubt it'll happen, but if I come home to see that her and the boy are gone Ill be notifying my uncle who will be notifying a lawyer.

[SinisterComplex]

Okay,

I regret vocalizing the homicidal ideation bit, since it makes me appear like an unreliable narrator.
I haven't had that occur since that time (roughly 2-3 months ago) and it hasn't happened since. If I wasn't in depressed mode from the earlier confrontation I likely wouldn't have even divulged it- mood stabilizers don't always keep away depression, especially under stress.

I messed up. I finally had enough and I gave her an ultimatum of: go to therapy, we go to couples' therapy or we are getting divorced.
What happened next over the next 90 minutes was terrifying. She screamed, she got in my face. She told me I never wanted to be with her and that I don't care about her and the boy, which made him cry. She cradled him as he cried and she told me to leave. She reminded him (and does so) that I initially asked for us to have an abortion when she was pregnant. She has always reminded me of this and says it in front of him.
I told her that I wasn't leaving and that if I didn't care I wouldn't be telling her she needs help. When I wouldn't go to my room, she grabbed my neck and hit me- I shoved her, which she then used as proof that I'm violent. When I re-iterated she needs to get help she just made a terrifying screeching sound at me. She said she was taking the boy with her and that he wanted to be with her and I regret what I did next.

I divulged to her what my son once told me while she was away with a friend; he said he wanted her to go away and just him and I to be together- to which I told him neither of us want that. She turned to him and asked it this was true. He nodded 'yes' and then turned on him. She crumpled up his permission slip he was supposed to take to school (he forgot today) gave him his evening meds early and sent him to bed early while he cried.

She got her coat, said she wasn't coming back and hoped she'd get hit by a bus, then walked out the door. I knew she wouldn't be gone for long so I made sure to comfort the boy and reassure him his mom didn't hate him but that she was sick. I've had to tell him this before. 10 minutes later she tells me she's gonna text her dad (and likely her brother) to come and hurt me. She tells the boy that he can figure out how to make his food and go to school and make doctors appointments because she's washing her hands of him.

He did cry but fell asleep soon after. She came into my room, told me she was done with dealing with us two "a*s holes* and that she was finally living for herself.


This was all horrible. Somehow I stayed calm during this. Why I was so calm I don't know- could be because I didn't want the boy to be afraid any more than he already was, could be that I can't see her now as anything but a extremely ill person who I feel bad for, or it could be that I was scared of her.

I recorded multiple times during the altercation. I've been recording for the past couple days.

If I could have her voluntarily committed at this point I would; but I'd just be doing that to feel safe and not to help her.

So yeah. I've consistently let fear or emotions get the better of me throughout all this and it got way worse than I was prepared for.
I got work tomorrow. Because of how much she was yelling that meds/psychology arent real and don't work I'm taking my med bottles with me to work tomorrow. I'm also taking the laptop I was just given by my caseworkers because I worry she would I either look through my history or simply break it.

I'm going to talk to my uncle tomorrow since he's been asking me to keep him informed, and also because he's been taking care of his wife who is mentally ill. Either because of her, or her family I'm a little scared right now.

MCG I am happy to see you back posting. Hey we are all human. None of us are perfect. All of us F up from time to time. S happens. You owned it, you are accountable so we move forward.

I can understand why you would feel regret, but in truth being open and honest is still the way to go. Please do not think of yourself as an unreliable narrator. I do not think that way or feel that way at all. I think you are just under a lot of stress and have been put through the ringer. We are here as support to help you and keep you as safe as we can. So please don't think any less of yourself. My friend remember we get it here...the intensity of the tsunami like wave of emotions you are going through...we've been there. So no judgment from us okay.

So I am going to throw some humor in here and paraphrase Tech N9ne here with "Hennessy and Light Beer and let it enter me and fight fear...yeah." In no way, shape or form am I saying to get hammered off your $$ with alcohol as it sounds like...   , but the intent behind the lyrics is where I am going to derive my thought process for you...let the current resolve you have developed enter you and guide you moving forward to fight your fears so you may persevere through this ordeal.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[yellowbutterfly]

. Because of how much she was yelling that meds/psychology arent real and don't work I'm taking my med bottles with me to work tomorrow. I'm also taking the laptop I was just given by my caseworkers because I worry she would I either look through my history or simply break

Smart! Take your important meds, laptop, papers with you or to work. My stbx H used to steal mine and hold them hostage or erase stuff from my laptop. I got sick once bc he stole my medication.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[babyducks]

hello mcgoogles,

I've been following along with your posts and saw the recent events.   I am terribly sorry it went this way.   That had to be horrible for all of you but especially the child.

I messed up. I finally had enough and I gave her an ultimatum of: go to therapy, we go to couples' therapy or we are getting divorced.
What happened next over the next 90 minutes was terrifying. She screamed, she got in my face.

I don't mind saying I had a pretty visceral reaction to reading this.   I often underestimated how far and how fast things could escalate in my relationship.  Over and over again I acted (and thought) in ways that assumed I was dealing with someone with normal/controlled coping mechanisms.    I wasn't.   and I paid the price for that.

I know this is water over the dam now.   Still, I think there are lessons to be learned from this,... if you can maneuver yourself into a quiet space emotionally and mentally.   What strikes me is that when you approach her from a place of frustration you do not get the kind of outcome that you want or is safe for the family.

She told me I never wanted to be with her and that I don't care about her and the boy, which made him cry. She cradled him as he cried and she told me to leave. She reminded him (and does so) that I initially asked for us to have an abortion when she was pregnant. She has always reminded me of this and says it in front of him.

This is tragic.   and so harmful to the family dynamic.   I am so sorry you went through that.

I told her that I wasn't leaving and that if I didn't care I wouldn't be telling her she needs help. When I wouldn't go to my room, she grabbed my neck and hit me- I shoved her, which she then used as proof that I'm violent. When I re-iterated she needs to get help she just made a terrifying screeching sound at me.

Physical safety is the highest priority.   Those of us who lived through violent incidents can attest to how fast the flash point is reached and how out of control things got.   

You and the boy are safe now?   Is that correct?    Can you think of ways to maintain that safety if things go off the rails again?

She said she was taking the boy with her and that he wanted to be with her and I regret what I did next.

I divulged to her what my son once told me while she was away with a friend; he said he wanted her to go away and just him and I to be together- to which I told him neither of us want that. She turned to him and asked it this was true. He nodded 'yes' and then turned on him. She crumpled up his permission slip he was supposed to take to school (he forgot today) gave him his evening meds early and sent him to bed early while he cried.

Our friends who regularly post on the Conflicted/Divorcing/Co-Parenting boards tell us of being held accountable for not creating/maintaining a healthy and safe environment for their children.     There are members there who have lost custody of their children by exposing them to the intense strife of their romantic relationship.     

Please take a couple of deep breaths and take this into consideration.    I understand you feel under enormous pressure to improve your immediate financial situation.    But I would suggest you don't want to push this so hard now that you make things worse in the long run.

This was all horrible. Somehow I stayed calm during this. Why I was so calm I don't know- could be because I didn't want the boy to be afraid any more than he already was, could be that I can't see her now as anything but a extremely ill person who I feel bad for, or it could be that I was scared of her.

This was horrible.   Completely horrible.   It's good that you stayed as calm as possible during this.    I do want to say that a reasonable amount of healthy fear is a good thing.   pwBPD do not have large amounts of impulse control.   I know you understand this.    In the heat of the moment, there are no brakes to apply to stop the progression.

There is an old saying here.   For things to get better, they first have to stop getting worse.    Sounds simple but really it means there has to be a cooling off period, where everyone's emotional reactivity calms down.    Right now everyone's emotions are so heightened real progress is probably not possible.

So yeah. I've consistently let fear or emotions get the better of me throughout all this and it got way worse than I was prepared for.
 
I'm going to talk to my uncle tomorrow since he's been asking me to keep him informed, and also because he's been taking care of his wife who is mentally ill. Either because of her, or her family I'm a little scared right now.

I do hope you talk to your uncle.    and any other trusted friends, advisors, or caseworkers.    and I hope you take their advice on board.    when our fear and emotions get the better of us, we often don't act in our own best interests.   we can't see the forest through the trees so to speak.   we become so focused on getting our point across that we risk damaging ourselves.   we've all done that to some degree.

my two cents
'ducks