angry / dismay / hate stage. how did u get past it ?

[othello]

How did ya all get past the angry / dismay / hate feeling - especially after your exBPD raged / splitted / projected to you - the 'I hate you' scenario where everything was blamed on you, where they wanted to dictate control of everything to the point of taking away your every right as a normal human being with feelings.  How did you get past this and stop this feeling?

[pinkcloud]

I'm right in it still. But that's because I stupidly made contact again, to tell him he had given me an std. Time's got to help, and putting energy into positive things.

I have a feeling that understanding the condition more, and realising that I will be happier in the long run away from such confusion, will make me indifferent in the end. Once I really get it that I could talk until I was blue in the face and still get no validation from him.

The anger is really hurt, for me. Feeling used, misunderstood, confused. It's all because part of me wants him. But not really. Only the good bits, and they were far outweighed by the bits I could never deal with. I got hooked to the part of him that wasn't dysfunctional.

So I think focusing on what I DO want will get me past those hurt feelings. Being with people who make me feel good about myself, so that I can see that his truth isn't mine. Then I'll let go of the hurt.

[schwing]

Hi Othello,

What an apt question for your namesake... . 

How did ya all get past the angry / dismay / hate feeling - especially after your exBPD raged / splitted / projected to you - the 'I hate you' scenario where everything was blamed on you, where they wanted to dictate control of everything to the point of taking away your every right as a normal human being with feelings.  How did you get past this and stop this feeling?

First of all, avoid the influence of any potential Iago's in your life; ie, anyone who works to stoke your anger/dismay/hate.

Secondly, realize that your exBPD cannot "take away" your right to feel what you feel.  You have every right to feel what you feel.  And most importantly, you DO NOT have to act on any of these feelings.

So I would say the "best" way to "get past" all these feelings, is to GO THROUGH all these feelings.  And there may be a flood of such emotions to go through.  It depends upon how long you've been in a dynamic where you've had to suppress or deny your feelings in this relationship.  The more you shoved down during the relationship, the more you will have to deal with in its aftermath.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the amount of feelings, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get help such as via therapy.  Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself as you PROCESS all these emotions.  The emotions are not the problem, they are the consequence of what you put yourself through.

I have a feeling that understanding the condition more, and realising that I will be happier in the long run away from such confusion, will make me indifferent in the end. Once I really get it that I could talk until I was blue in the face and still get no validation from him.

@Pinkcloud, intellectual understanding comes much much earlier than what I see as "emotional" acceptance.  Have patience, and keep working on it.  You will eventually get to "indifference."

The anger is really hurt, for me. Feeling used, misunderstood, confused. It's all because part of me wants him. But not really. Only the good bits, and they were far outweighed by the bits I could never deal with. I got hooked to the part of him that wasn't dysfunctional.

I understand the feeling of being "hooked" on the part of them that wasn't dysfunction, the "idyllic" part of them.  The trick to resolving and coming to terms with the hurt, is reconciling and integrating the different "parts" of them in our heads.  When we come to accept that all the "parts" add up to the whole, that puts us much closer to "acceptance."

So I think focusing on what I DO want will get me past those hurt feelings. Being with people who make me feel good about myself, so that I can see that his truth isn't mine. Then I'll let go of the hurt.

You let go, when you let go.  Until you do, just keep taking care of yourself.

Best wishes, Schwing

[pinkcloud]

Thank you Schwing. This board is one of the friendliest and most helpful I've ever posted on. It really helps.

[DAS]

I never got angry when my ex raged. Cause I knew it wasn't me. It was all her, all the BPD. So I could 

What makes me angry is her abandonment. Her using me when she no longer wanted to be with me. Her inviting her new guy to sleep with her in MY bed.

Ya - sorta projection I guess but those are the things I am angry at her for.

[WhyAskWhy]

When I realized that I was better than the anger, dismay, and hate.  I had the option to choose to be happy, and went and did so. 

[Lightwarrior]

When I realized that I was better than the anger, dismay, and hate.  I had the option to choose to be happy, and went and did so.

It is as simple as that WhyaskWhy and yet it is one of the hardest things to do. I have also let go of the anger and hate knowing that that only affects me. I know myself or at least I try to know myself and I like what I truly am though I admit that doesn't always come to the fore, a result, in part, of being with a BPD for so long. When we know the qualities in ourselves despite whatever is being said to us we have an inner strength and acquire a serenity no one can take away.

This morning as I was under verbal attack once again my inner me smiled. "You hate me, you hate me!" my W. said

but I don't, why would I, my hate would sour my life, not hers.

Now I need this damn cast to get of my leg so that I can enforce my boundaries by taking off for a while if she still refuses to go.

[othello]

When I realized that I was better than the anger, dismay, and hate.  I had the option to choose to be happy, and went and did so.

I dont feel better than the anger, the dismay, the hate. I hate myself for being such a fool - I hate myself for letting her hurt me, letting it get to me, for opening myself up to the hurt and for feeling so wounded by it that I can barely face the day except being a zombie.

The logical part of me recognises and know my share of responsibilities - I was not perfect. I shouldnt have allowed her to make me angry and raise my voice back in return or scream in rage at her when she accuses me of everything under the sun. I should have had the strength to walk away and not let it wound me. I didnt. The minute I screamed in hurt and pain and outrage at what she was accusing me, I lost.

But the logical part of me also knows I didnt deserved to be accused and be made responsible for everything when there is always two people, and her pushing everything she couldnt do or handle on me and making it my fault said it all... .   

But thats logic... .I cant see past the emotional impact right now. I feel utterly lost and bewildered.

[pinkcloud]

But the logical part of me also knows I didnt deserved to be accused and be made responsible for everything when there is always two people, and her pushing everything she couldnt do or handle on me and making it my fault said it all... .   

But thats logic... .I cant see past the emotional impact right now. I feel utterly lost and bewildered.

As Schwing said, that bewilderment and sense of loss just has to be felt or we would be the same as someone with BPD, who possibly is sick because they are afraid to admit that deep loneliness and so they act dysfunctionally to keep themselves from it. It's a terrifying thing to go through. I was almost suicidal twice in this relationship, but dragged myself back up. NC helped me get out of that dark place but I'm not clear yet.

You didn't deserve it. The dynamics of you particular two people together made this thing happen. It's never happened to me before, but I'd never met anyone who behaved like him before. We'll have to feel this deep grief for a time. No getting around it. So hard.

Hopefully, with enough work on myself and my life, one day I'll be left with a me that wouldn't be in a relationship with a sick person in the first place. If I was healthy I would have walked a lot earlier than I did.

[David Dare]

I dont feel better than the anger, the dismay, the hate. I hate myself for being such a fool - I hate myself for letting her hurt me, letting it get to me, for opening myself up to the hurt and for feeling so wounded by it that I can barely face the day except being a zombie.

The logical part of me recognises and know my share of responsibilities - I was not perfect. I shouldnt have allowed her to make me angry and raise my voice back in return or scream in rage at her when she accuses me of everything under the sun. I should have had the strength to walk away and not let it wound me. I didnt. The minute I screamed in hurt and pain and outrage at what she was accusing me, I lost.

But the logical part of me also knows I didnt deserved to be accused and be made responsible for everything when there is always two people, and her pushing everything she couldnt do or handle on me and making it my fault said it all... .   

But thats logic... .I cant see past the emotional impact right now. I feel utterly lost and bewildered.

I felt/though this exact same way for the longest time.  My ex shattered my cool.  She defeated me.  And then she left me high and dry.

There were plenty of times while together when   's were evident and I should have taken a step back, or broke it off all together.  Afterwards, I wondered if I had just went with what my head instead of my heart if I could have avoided the immense suffering I endured.

I also went through and checked off my various mistakes or things I could have done differently which might have resulted in an outcome of happiness with her.  It's a natural thing to do when we are hurting.

The conclusion I finally realized that it didn't matter.  If one argument would have been avoided, another would have started.  It's about what they feel, not what they think.  What they feel can be induced by a number of things from either past or present that may or may not have anything to do with you or what they confess to be the cause at that time.

How to get through the anger?  For me it was time, being removed from the situation and being able to look back and see it more objectively.  My mind had to wind down, so to speak.  For me, while in love, I put her needs before mine.  Her needs were many!  I was constantly thinking about her, her needs, if they were met and what it would take to meet them.  After the break-up I was still conditioned to think of her.  It was out of my control.  The way we broke up seemed unfair, uncaring and downright hurtful, and it was!  None of that mattered, though.  It was what it was.  And a part of me wanted revenge, or have her back, anything to make the pain go away.  Neither of those options would have helped.

Just hang in there, Othello.  I've been there.  It gets better.

[David Dare]

looks like I need to practice my quoting ability.

[CVA]

Othello Great post... it is helping me too, I have slipped back into the FOG.

I think it is because i married her, and well still married, I wake up in the morning,like you bewildered as to what the heck did i just do, and open myself up too.

If i did not marry her, i could have walked away much earlier. However she did move 2500 miles to come be with me. And i just married her, so like you i loved her and wanted to meet all her needs.  It was futile. I have been NC now for 8 mnhts. and guess what in her mind i am too blame, and deserve to suffer. She wants to take me to court and take money and belongings from me that are not hers.

There is like no shame for them.

David Dare.

Thanks for your perspective. and sharing. at times i forget how similar all out stories are.

I am learning to accpept and work through all the emotions. Such a huge let down , when i was flying high as a brand new husband in love.

I am now lonley and sorta getting myself back out there. Pickins seem slim. I will have to wait. Hopefully this will all be over soon.

[othello]

Thanks everybody for your replies.  I have had this page opened all weekend, and I just kept reading your words over and over and try to drum it into my head. We have broken up before but each time before, I have stupidly broken NoContact (last time I went 5 months!)... .  this time I need to truly accept her for who she really is - and not allow what she says I am to get into my head, like she wanted (and like it happened previously)...  

[Want2know]

I understand the feeling of being "hooked" on the part of them that wasn't dysfunction, the "idyllic" part of them.  The trick to resolving and coming to terms with the hurt, is reconciling and integrating the different "parts" of them in our heads.  When we come to accept that all the "parts" add up to the whole, that puts us much closer to "acceptance."

Exactly... .that's where I'm trying to get to.  I am trying to remember who he was the year before I got serious with him.  I knew him for a while and remember thinking "who does this guy think he is?".  Eventually, I started putting the dysfunctional side aside because I was so attracted to the good parts.  That was my mistake, denying the   and his inability to work on them.  That's where I feel "smarter" now and can hopefully grow from my mistake.  Everyone has  , but it's the extent and number of them, as well as the ability to address and correct them that is the key.

[pinkcloud]

Not following you around Want2know, it just looks that way.    

Again, me too. Where I am now is trying to see that seductive, mirroring side that I got addicted to as the act/tool that it was (or maybe he thought he meant it at the time, who knows?) and remembering just what I thought of him when I first met him online. I could see how dysfunctional he was. I was ready to run but he did his work well. He knows his stuff.

I keep saying to myself, "Be honest. You don't even like him much."  

The good parts were too much for my low self-esteem to refuse. The bad parts were too much for my (stronger than I thought) sense of self-worth to put up with.

Bloody tiring being at war with yourself.

[Want2know]

Not following you around Want2know, it just looks that way.    

I keep saying to myself, "Be honest. You don't even like him much."  

The good parts were too much for my low self-esteem to refuse. The bad parts were too much for my (stronger than I thought) sense of self-worth to put up with.

Bloody tiring being at war with yourself.

Amen, sister!  You can follow me anywhere... .we definitely have similarities that bond us in this virtual existence.

[2010]

I preferred to stay in the anger/hate/dismay stage because it took the focus off of me and on to another object. Unfortunately that object was a stand-in for just about everything that was wrong in my life. And like a key that unlocked Pandora's box- all sorts of rage came out.

Therapists will say that the next step is inwardly directed depression and they're right. The longer I could stay angry, the less chance I had of falling into a deep depression. But- guess what? I couldn't stay angry anymore. But I gave it a champion effort.

One day I just broke down and sobbed. Then I couldn't manage anything. My anger had propped me up and held me together in a sort of righteousness. I had used it like a crutch. And then I realized, no one was there anymore except me. I was angry at being angry.

The depression was a long time coming. I had held it back and tried to deny it, but now in hindsight, I can honestly say it was the most cleansing opportunity for maturity I've ever had. I faced my fears. I understand them now. The fears are named and put in their place.

Although I wish it wasn't so painful, at times I think I would never had the opportunity to understand my life at all without the experience. I do believe that the mirroring I received in the relationship was a fantastic gift. I was described, portrayed and manipulated, and I see myself now because of it. I can see where my problem areas are and what I need to work on. The experience changed my life.

You will get through it. Keep hope alive. When you feel down- remember, these feelings will pass. The next day, next week, next month or next year will be waiting for you. Take your time- discover your inner child. He or She is waiting for you. This traumatic relationship gave you the key to get back to yourself and listen within.

[othello]

I feel discarded, like a toy that was once treasured and needed to get through the sadness and lonely times, but nevertheless just a toy, with no rights, which get discarded when no longer wanted or needed

I make myself not be near the phone so I won't keep looking at it, try to feel peace but feel sad she hasn't called to acknowledge me or say hi or offered to return things or money... .

Just sad... Like there is no absolution

[turtlesoup]

I preferred to stay in the anger/hate/dismay stage because it took the focus off of me and on to another object. Unfortunately that object was a stand-in for just about everything that was wrong in my life. And like a key that unlocked Pandora's box- all sorts of rage came out.

Therapists will say that the next step is inwardly directed depression and they're right. The longer I could stay angry, the less chance I had of falling into a deep depression. But- guess what? I couldn't stay angry anymore. But I gave it a champion effort.

One day I just broke down and sobbed. Then I couldn't manage anything. My anger had propped me up and held me together in a sort of righteousness. I had used it like a crutch. And then I realized, no one was there anymore except me. I was angry at being angry.

The depression was a long time coming. I had held it back and tried to deny it, but now in hindsight, I can honestly say it was the most cleansing opportunity for maturity I've ever had. I faced my fears. I understand them now. The fears are named and put in their place.

Although I wish it wasn't so painful, at times I think I would never had the opportunity to understand my life at all without the experience. I do believe that the mirroring I received in the relationship was a fantastic gift. I was described, portrayed and manipulated, and I see myself now because of it. I can see where my problem areas are and what I need to work on. The experience changed my life.

You will get through it. Keep hope alive. When you feel down- remember, these feelings will pass. The next day, next week, next month or next year will be waiting for you. Take your time- discover your inner child. He or She is waiting for you. This traumatic relationship gave you the key to get back to yourself and listen within.

This is true and something im going thru now. Im not really angry with her anymore and instead it has been replaced with a kind of inward looking depression but I force myself to go out and do things because after a while it is really getting to me.

Im not sure she mirrored me as such or maybe she did, but I now know what I don't want in my life and who I don't want to be. Im still in the process of analysis, not over what happened so much anymore, I can put all her actions down to her mental illness but why I stood it for so long and realising that my will alone can not change other peoples situation. It is gift, knowing you can only seriously effect change within but i can see the road stretching out ahead of me and my theory is to just take it as it comes, and go out and socialise and not try and manage the whole thing at once.

[othello]

Turtlesoup, good on you and thank you for your words. I am sorry you are going through this too, but it sounds like you are slowly on the road to recovery.

2010, I really feel for you and I can understand what you are saying, as I have said it to some friends before when they queried why I had previously allowed the exBPDgf back in my life, I said it was because being with her did taught me a lot about myself... .    but nevertheless it shouldnt be at the price of our own rights and our own selves, should it?

[Rockmehardplace]

Also keep in mind its OK to be mad and hate filled.  Remember what these people have done to us, remember what they have taken away from us.  Anyone would feel hate towards a BP after going through what we have gone through. 

So don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. 

Just remember that hate is baggage and it’s only going to slow you down, so after a time (when you feel you're ready) you should allow the hate to fall off you. 

The sooner we can look at our borderline partners and laugh in their face the sooner you will be completely free of the emotional cage they have built from us.

[thisblonde]

Hey O-   sorry for what you are going through, but right now, all that anger may be your friend... .?  That phase certainly kept me firmly in no contact, with no desire to go back.  But, also during that phase I was in counseling, and learning that it's okay to not like things about me, and figure out how to forgive myself for NOT loving/caring/protecting myself enough (ie: less than the BPD) while in that r/s.  That's not a comfortable spot to be in (to bear such a heavy burden and feel like you brought it all on yourself, let yourself down the most), but it is necessary in your journey back to loving who you are, being the person you always wanted to be, and putting the right boundaries in place to make sure you stay true to the new you.   Good luck on your journey!

[booktender]

hmm

looks like I should have read some of this before posting my own thread!

My experience was so long ago, but the realization of what was really going on is very fresh indeed.

[CalicoSilver]

Schwing gave some GREAT advice in terms of "going through it."

Granted, it can be painful, yet so very necessary in the healing process. I know it may not seem like it right now, but in time is actually gets easier as you learn to let-it-go.

I've also found that being here and posting really, really helps - so don't be a stranger, I'm glad you're here and really want to know how you're working through it.   

[Dantes]

Othello,

Don't be hard on yourself... .the anger and sadness will pass, then flare up, then pass. etc. If you don't see it trending away after time then I would consider some counseling or at least some trusted people to talk to. I had plenty of anger and found some constructive ways to channel it. I stayed away from alcohol as I learned that only numbs/postpones what you are supposed to feel. Anger can be a good thing if you use it right!

Then the depression... .well some days I simply felt like I threw away 9 years of my life. For my kids sake I fought these thoughts. It's all natural.

What I do know is this: I will not let any partner with BPD    waste another single day of my life. The positive energy is back, the negative energy is gone. And so I'm not going to create my own negative energy with negative thoughts now.

Life is too short. Tomorrow is your day man, nobody else's!

God bless.

[othello]

Thanks everyone for all your words... I cant tell you how much I have read them in the last few days... They have helped so much, and it feels good to know that other people have / are going through similar things I am.

Thank you so much.