Is it unhealthy to split them into two people in your mind?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This is what I have been doing today... .  

The "good" part of her I have called ? (my pet name for her) and the bad part I have given a girl's name.

I was saying to my Mum that I miss X so much... .  but that I am angry at Y.

Is this an unhealthy thing to do?

I can't seem to reconcile the two halves of her - she's like 2 different people - one I love, and one I don't know and maybe I never did.

I'm hoping I'm not showing BPD traits myself here! (I am 99% sure I don't have it, and no that's not denial haha)

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?  Thanks

[mango_flower]

This is what I have been doing today... .  

The "good" part of her I have called ? (my pet name for her) and the bad part I have given a girl's name.

I was saying to my Mum that I miss X so much... .  but that I am angry at Y.

Is this an unhealthy thing to do?

I can't seem to reconcile the two halves of her - she's like 2 different people - one I love, and one I don't know and maybe I never did.

I'm hoping I'm not showing BPD traits myself here! (I am 99% sure I don't have it, and no that's not denial haha)

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?  Thanks

[GreenMango]

I'm guessing here but its probably not real helpful for you to do this because it allows you to rationalize or minimize the whole of the situation.

The good with the bad.  It's hard to reconcile two opposing things.  The mind struggles with this-cognitive dissonance. 

Have you had a chance to talk with a therapist about all this?  It might help to get a unbiased perspective and some support on working through it.

[mango_flower]

I'm guessing here but its probably not real helpful for you to do this because it allows you to rationalize or minimize the whole of the situation.

The good with the bad.  It's hard to reconcile two opposing things.  The mind struggles with this-cognitive dissonance. 

Have you had a chance to talk with a therapist about all this?  It might help to get a unbiased perspective and some support on working through it.

Thank you Green Mango - input much appreciated!

I understand Cognitive Dissonance (Festinger, yes?) as I teach Psychology (yeah, weird that, but I didn't even spot the BPD until our relationship was over, stupid me!  )

I find it very hard to reconcile her two different personalities... .  

If I see all the bad she has done, I get so angry I can't sleep

If I think of the good, I cry

And I can't seem to reconcile the two... .  I have tried and tried!  It's frustrating!

I can't afford a therapist. I was going to one but had to quit as my ex left me in a big financial mess :/  I emailed the low-cost service in my hometown but they didn't get back to me, and I have heard they have a 4 month waiting list anyway.  Can't get a referral for my doctor as I asked a few years back (when I had mild depression) and they said the appointments are in the working week, and I can't book half days or whatever, as I teach.  It's frustrating!

[mango_flower]

Just read up again quickly on cognitive dissonance since it's been a while since I taught it - and that should be a RESULT of me trying to split her, if I get it correctly... .  

But it helps me feel better, like it helps me understand and be able to grieve for what I lost, yet not want the "new" her... .  so confusing! x

[GreenMango]

Maybe just let yourself grieve for now and handle these heavier things later

Sometimes I notice there's a tendency for us to want to get answers first and skip the grieving.  How's your other support - friends and family?

PS I found it hard to reconcile the two opposing sides too.  It's hard stuff - the inconsistencies were very difficult for me to wrap my head around.

[mango_flower]

Friends and family are AMAZING... .  my best friend works in mental health and she is quite curious about my ex (they were friends too, and on the same sports team) and she knew her fairly well. 

So she's quite happy for me to ramble on... .  and is very patient, and also quite enjoys discussing her/tossing around thoughts.  She is also very good at validating me and letting me know that my ex's behaviour was NOT ok.

My Mum is amazing too... .  I can phone her at any time of day and she's very patient with me (I'm surprised she hasn't strangled me by now!)

I'm at the stage where I'm flip-flopping back and forth between anger and sadness.  Fun! 

[Newton]

As there are two "mangos" posting on this thread I guess I need to avoid a habit of mine of shortening member names in order to avoid any confusion!   ... .  so with that in mind... .  

mango_flower I do appreciate what you are attempting to do here... .  separating the good and bad behaviour into different personas... .  I also understand GreenMangos perspective that this exercise may minimize the entirety of your experience... .  

Just to throw a curve ball into the conversation... .  one of my exs was quite comfortable reffering to the negative side of her personality as "her" (as in a different person, a third party within her)... .  so she could absolve herself of responsibility for poor behaviour... .  but then would demand I cared about "both" sides of her claiming "well they are both ME"... .  

This is my truth that helped me to appreciate how complex her existence was, and how I found it so difficult to wrap my head around!... .  I hope that helps... .  although it may have muddied the waters somewhat!  

[mango_flower]

As there are two "mangos" posting on this thread I guess I need to avoid a habit of mine of shortening member names in order to avoid any confusion!   ... .  so with that in mind... .  

mango_flower I do appreciate what you are attempting to do here... .  separating the good and bad behaviour into different personas... .  I also understand GreenMangos perspective that this exercise may minimize the entirety of your experience... .  

Just to throw a curve ball into the conversation... .  one of my exs was quite comfortable reffering to the negative side of her personality as "her" (as in a different person, a third party within her)... .  so she could absolve herself of responsibility for poor behaviour... .  but then would demand I cared about "both" sides of her claiming "well they are both ME"... .  

This is my truth that helped me to appreciate how complex her existence was, and how I found it so difficult to wrap my head around!... .  I hope that helps... .  although it may have muddied the waters somewhat!  

Green Mango is the original Mango!  But I didn't know there was another Mango around here when I signed up hehe... .  

Nope, your reply makes perfect sense - I would never tell her about my splitting her up into two, as like you say, she could blame bad behaviour on the other part of her   

I mean more in my own mind... .  I'm kind of struggling some days just to get through them and this helps - I'm just not sure if it should hehe x

[turtle]

At first, I think it's helpful to view it however you need to so that it ends up in your rear view mirror!

However... .  the reality is this.  The "good" her was not really all that good because that behavior was likely mirroring and it was not sustainable on her part (history proves this)... .  so why idealise that, cling to that, or miss that?  It was an illusion. Missing an illusion is unhealthy and causes us to remain stuck because we don't admit the truth to ourselves.

Of course the "bad" her is much easier to deal with because there's nothing about their horrific behavior that we miss.  But the truth is... .  we put up with a lot of BS... .  HORRIBLE behavior... .  in order to protect our illusion.

So... .  I guess my point is this.  Splitting her into two people probably isn't the real issue for you.  The real issue might just be letting go of the illusion - an illusion you helped to create.

Does any of that fit?

turtle

[elessar]

OMG I have done that so many times. I have even told her that. There is this one girl who is the most amazing human being I know. There is this other girl who is just so cruel. That is how I feel. And never know which girl would show up at any given moment.

[willy45]

Mango_Flower,

Here is what really helped me... .  

Take a piece of paper and one half draw out all the stuff that you thought was so wonderful. Then, on the other half, draw out all the stuff that was so terrible. It is important to integrate these two because they are the same person. Once you draw it out, look at that piece of paper and with your eyes open tell yourself that this is the same person. I still have to do this on an almost daily basis.

The issue is not that there is a problem with you. You are now processing. And what you are processing is all the repressed hurt and anger that this person thrust onto you. For you to have stayed, you needed to repress this stuff (and if you had stayed longer... .  there would be a h*ll of a lot more that you would have had to repress... .  trust me).

The tactic of abusive types of people is that what they do is show you the best sides of who they are (others call it mirroring). They do this to bring you in. Then, when they have some crazy rage episode and their behavior is totally and completely out of line, they blame you for it. It is your fault. And you have to either accept that on some level, or you leave. The result of this is that you are left with this incredible image of an infallible person whose only 'problems' are caused by you. They become this kind, loving, super human without flaws. Any flaws or abusive behavior must be seen by both people as being your fault. It must be accepted for the relationship to continue. But, this isn't true. This is actually 100% false. You were never in control of their behavior. You never caused it.

The result is that now you have this completely false view of this person. This person is split. As a normal functioning person, you probably saw this amazing person and all their craziness you probably just dismissed as them processing something and that they would eventually become 'normal' again. It is super hard to understand that for these kinds of people, their 'normal' is completely dysfunctional. There isn't any 'normal' person there. It just doesn't exist. It isn't a phase. It isn't something that they will sort through. This isn't something that you can fix with love and understanding. Who they are is a collection of identities and these identities jump around for no foreseen reason. And when they blow up, they blame you. But, it is not under your control. It has nothing to do with you. It isn't even under their control. They are 'disordered'.

Anyhow, not to dissect them too much. At the end of the day, who cares about them. What's important is for how this left us and what we can do to sort ourselves out. 

It is important to integrate them. It is also important to grieve. Of course. But grieve the entirety of them.

That was a longer explanation than I intended. My point being is do the drawing thing. It actually really helps. For me, it made the pain less intense because when I do this, I start to recognize the many sides of my ex, most of which I was actually completely terrified of. And it took a while. But, I have started to see that my ex's wildly abusive and erratic behavior was not my fault, that she isn't this amazing super human sex goddess with unlimited potential for joy and love. She is an incredibly messed up, abusive, angry, needy, and emotionally stunted person who happens to have some really great qualities too. But these great qualities come at a price which almost literally killed me. There was nothing I could do to take those bad qualities away. There was nothing I could to stop the abuse other than leave. And that is the truth I am still trying to maintain in my own mind and it is the truth I loose when I don't see an integrated picture of who she REALLY is. The illusion that we built up together about who she is, is nothing more than that. An illusion. Doing the drawings makes me see what the reality is.

P.S. I'm a totally ___ drawer, so don't let that stop you! And, it might lead to a new hobby! Try it. For reals. It works.

[TheHopefulOne]

[quote author=mango_flower link=topic=196784.msg12218513#msg12218513 date=1363131526

I'm at the stage where I'm flip-flopping back and forth between anger and sadness.  Fun!  [/quote]
Mee too! Ugh it's the worst. Like I can't stay mad and that's what keeps me coming back!

[fakename]

Rjh45,

Great post

Thehopefulone,

What helped me was not getting angry at it. Just recognizing that it wasn't real, figuring out what exactly I wanted in a partner (and with consistency) and recognize my ex didn't deliver any of that.

Recognizing I completely changed who I was to try to make things work and it made me into a long list of things I didn't want to be and didn't like about myself.

I took steps to change myself, which has helped me find my value and potential again which I will discover more of but that has helped me see forward instead of back.

She beat me up so bad that I thought I had to stay with her or try to get her back or think she's the only one for me.

Recognize all the moments they acted and what was actually manipulation to get exactly what they want.

I can clearly see my ex was a master manipulator and one of the greatest puppet masters the world has seen.

[GreenMango]

Have you read the workshop on grief?  Theres the different stars anger and bargaining being among them.  They don't have to go in order either, its pretty common to be on one like bargaining for awhile (that flip flopping telling yourself well it wasnt that bad or there's a good side) to anger to depression to anger to bargaining again. 

Grief is rough.   Acceptance is that thing Turtle mentions seeing it in your rearview mirror.  The goal.

[Spiritlife]

johnnyorganic and fakename... .  great posts. yes I too had a great honeymoon so to speak. She was wonderful for the first eight months until i started noticing signs that something was rather awry. You stated how "She is an incredibly messed up, abusive, angry, needy, and emotionally stunted person who happens to have some really great qualities too. But these great qualities come at a price which almost literally killed me." I recently through lots of research and reflecting back on what happened for the last two years, realized that those affected with BPD, have multiple personality traits, simply stated because the disease process consists of four stages which we "nons" overlook because by that time, we are already love struck and have been taken in by their seductive stage. I too was lured in. However at the time I thought nothing of it. I was in it for the real thing. I thought we were going to get married, etc. We were close, very close, during the first stage. As the disease cycles into the third and fourth stage, yelling and raging become more prevalent. Eventually the disease cycles into the last stage which is the violent stage. Finally it will either revert back to the first or the second stage of the relationship, if it has survived its course or not. My exBPD definitely had "love-hate, push-pull, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" episodes. These incidents were evident in the third and fourth stage of the dis ease process. It is especially then that they seem to put most if not all of their blame and wrong doings on us nons. Meanwhile we become depressed, confused, angry, sad, emotionally ruined, isolated, perhaps even suicidal, having some loving thoughts, etc. and may even not know where we are in the moment because by that time, our own minds have been distorted by all the false accusations they had made about us. She was/is mentally very messed up. Continued to self medicate with alcohol as well and does not persue active professional help. Menahwile the blame continues to be puit on us, until we leave. So yes, i believe they do have multiple personlities. , but Borderliners also have remorse... .  they know who they are. I am still in alot of pain and its been nearly ten months since our breakup. In the long haul, i will cherish the brief beautiful moments, but I also realize how damaging the relationship was throughout its course.