Stop trying to caretake, WTL

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hand smacks forehead. I picked S4 up from daycare Tuesday. On the ride home we had our usual random banter. He stated that his mom’s car broke (the one she took after threatening to withhold S4 from me if I didn’t give it to her after a breakup) and that she had been driving her cousin’s car. What did I do? I asked her if she needed help with the repairs. Her response was that she’ll be buying a van with her tax return. I don’t understand why I offered to help with vehicle repairs. I’m not sure where that sudden sense of obligation came from. I should’ve sat with that and thought about it before jumping the gun like that. She didn’t respond to my offer. That’s fine. I’m just a little baffled why I reached out like that. Especially considering how she got the vehicle in the first place.

Since becoming a member here, I’ve slowly been evolving to a place of having compassion vs. contempt for her, but I shouldn’t have made that offer. I shouldn’t have even let on that I know about her difficult situation. I may have put myself on the hook for “favors” or obligations in the future by doing that. Just venting I suppose. What was I thinking?

[JNChell]

Hand smacks forehead. I picked S4 up from daycare Tuesday. On the ride home we had our usual random banter. He stated that his mom’s car broke (the one she took after threatening to withhold S4 from me if I didn’t give it to her after a breakup) and that she had been driving her cousin’s car. What did I do? I asked her if she needed help with the repairs. Her response was that she’ll be buying a van with her tax return. I don’t understand why I offered to help with vehicle repairs. I’m not sure where that sudden sense of obligation came from. I should’ve sat with that and thought about it before jumping the gun like that. She didn’t respond to my offer. That’s fine. I’m just a little baffled why I reached out like that. Especially considering how she got the vehicle in the first place.

Since becoming a member here, I’ve slowly been evolving to a place of having compassion vs. contempt for her, but I shouldn’t have made that offer. I shouldn’t have even let on that I know about her difficult situation. I may have put myself on the hook for “favors” or obligations in the future by doing that. Just venting I suppose. What was I thinking?

[itsmeSnap]

not sure where that sudden sense of obligation came from

What was I thinking?

I'm not a parent, but I think hearing it coming from your son triggered your empathy a bit harder than usual: help him by helping her maybe?

but I shouldn’t have made that offer. I shouldn’t have even let on that I know about her difficult situation. I may have put myself on the hook for “favors” or obligations in the future by doing that

It is what it is, she's the mother of your child and even though a relationship is not what you seek, you still care. Caring about people is not a flaw JNChell 

But yeah, care responsibly. at least she didn't take you up on it, you might have reacted on an actual sense of obligation then: "I don't want to do the repairs... I did offer to help though... ."

Besides, she's got her cousins car, buying a new "roomier(sp?)" car soon, she's got things covered right?

 

[valet]

don't be so hard on yourself about the car thing, for whatever that's worth. i remember when things were real bad with my ex i would find myself doing stuff for her just because I was afraid of not doing things 'the right way' in terms of the split and its aftermath. sometimes the tools and skills we learn to deal with these situations can feed into our own perfectionist tendencies, is what i mean. and that's cool. it happens

you're only human and it's ok to slip up every now and again, as long as you stay grounded for the most part. compassion for your ex is fine too. you're human. you're allowed to be compassionate. it makes sense to be compassionate towards troubled individuals. as long as we know what it means and how to respond to it, more or less. and it seems like you do judging from what i'm reading here. so stay the course!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNChell, I'm with valet: don't beat yourself up!  Compassion is one thing and care taking another, and sometimes it's hard to draw the line in the moment.  It sounds like, afterwards, you learned something by listening to your gut feelings, which is a step forward in my view.

LJ

[JNChell]

Hi, Snap.

Our Son does have a triggering affect on me when it comes to his mom. Thanks for pointing this out. It’s the draw towards having a family. The regret of losing the one that I had. Deep down, I know that I’m better off outside of that dynamic and that S4 is better off with his mom and I not being together.

Yeah, she’s covered. She always is. Thanks for the insight.

[JNChell]

Thanks, valet. I don’t really have a good grasp on what healthy compassion is for her yet. It can become quite black and white at times. I’m moving forward, though. I think that I need to work more on my communication with her. My communication doesn’t line up with being at a safe distance to feel this sporadic compassion for her. I communicate with her when I have those feelings. I’m not giving myself space when I should. I know that this sounds similar to things that a pwBPD might do. This is why I can empathize with her.

Finding structure through this path to healing has been difficult. It becomes pretty intense and it’s hard to not get wrapped up in my emotions. I’m processing my childhood and adult life at the same time. Placing the puzzle pieces where they fit. Learning about the relativity between my childhood and adult life has been a huge help. I’m beginning to see that it just takes time and perseverance to see these things begin to fall into place.

[JNChell]

LJ, thanks for chiming in. My T has all but driven the screw of intuition into my skull. It’s new for me in my early 40’s. Trusting my gut got me into a lot of trouble as a kid. I get it. Learning this conundrum differently is hard. I should’ve said “unlearning”. I’ve always appreciated how you point to gut feelings.

[Turkish]

It sounds like she is capable of taking care of such things as age did.  If she begins asking for things,  then that's another level.

Sometimes when I offered to help my mother financially,  she would get weird. I think she may have been shamed sometimes,  though she did ask for help when in dire straits from time to time. 

Your ex is an adult and she sounds capable of handling these things.  Let her. 

[empathic]

I'm exactly the same way, it's hard to break. Eventhough my ex has a new BF since about a year, he doesn't live there full time yet, so guess who steps up to help? Me of course.

In my case I think it's a combination of wanting to help the kids and generally taking on too much responsibility. Maybe some form of hero complex and wanting to get plus points play in. We had a turbulent breakup where I was blamed of some things, making it seem like she was the one ending it (I was the one making the decision to leave).

My ex still has that kind of power over me, in that I want to do good by her. It's not right.

[JNChell]

Turkish, thanks for the “Wolf stare”. I’m working on it.

[JNChell]

Hi, empathic. Thanks for sharing. The kids really pull at the heartstrings, don’t they? I wonder if that aspect makes the whole attachment thing more difficult. I’m always glad to hear insight on these matters. Any thoughts on that?