Greetings

[ThrowawayHusband]

Been in a relationship for about 10 years, 2 kids.

Only recently had my eyes opened to the idea that it possibly wasn't all me, as I have been getting told for many years.

Still doing the reading and attempting to find a solution for my kids.

Situation finally escalated to the point I had to leave the house.

Aside from that, nothing has been resolved yet.

[catnap]

Welcome to the law board, TH.

A little more information regarding your situation would be very helpful to get more responses. 

Have you started consulting attorneys?  A good attorney who is familiar with high-conflict people is important. 

[livednlearned]

Hi ThrowawayHusband,

Welcome to bpdfamily -- glad you found the site.

It sounds like you are not living in the house because the behavior escalated, but the kids are still living with her? How old are the kids? Do you want to file for divorce, or is this something that your wife has asked for?

And how are you doing? It can make a big difference to have a good therapist while you sort this stuff out. Do you have someone to talk to right now?

[ForeverDad]

I know this sounds dumb to ask since we all know what society's assumptions are about Motherhood Entitlement, but did you leave with the children?  That is, if it was that bad for you, how bad is it for the kids if they were left behind?

There are few reasons to ask this.  Besides the common assumption in years past that mother always gets the kids, it wasn't always that way, fathers were literally the Head of Household a century or so ago.  Then along came the Tender Years Doctrine the reversed it all and put mothers in charge.  Both versions can be considered undesirable extremes if the preferred or default parent behaves badly, such as someone with acting-out behaviors (Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, Histrionic, Paranoid).  Today states are gradually - very gradually - moving toward a professed gender-neutral stance though in reality many of the policies and procedures still default to the female gender.

For example, in my case I, the male, managed to buck the odds and got a temporary protection order from municipal court when I got Threats of DV.  Ex tried to block my parenting in domestic court and while all that was going on the magistrate set a temporary custody and parenting schedule.  So far as I can tell, my protection in the other court was ignored, and her allegations were not seen as a problem either by CPS or the court.  The magistrate asked one question: "What are your work schedules?"  I was the parent going off to work on a regular schedule so I was rewarded with what most fathers are defaulted to, alternate weekends and an evening in between, I guess the court didn't want parenting to interfere with my work.

What my ex got in 30 minutes took me about 8 years to correct, each change took at least 1.5 years in court and each fix was somewhat limited in scope, though each was significant I still call them baby step improvements.

If your relationship is failing or has failed, then you want to try to get the very best order possible from the start.  I recall my lawyer turning to me and saying, "Keep silent, don't worry, we'll fix it later."  Well, the order wasn't changed one bit until the Final Decree some two years later.  That's why you want the best order you can get from the very start, it's an uphill struggle to convince the court to make changes.  They don't like meddling with an order that seems to be 'working'.

[ThrowawayHusband]

Hey all, thanks for the responses.

I am out of the house currently, but her mother is on the ground regularly and I have maintained contact with her.

She has a pretty clear picture of whats afoot.

The kids are young, and there is no sign that she has targeted them any more than prior to me leaving yet.

My family network has several medical professionals who gave me the kick in the butt recently that things were not correct.

Some of her recent behaviour was witnessed by these family members who then realized the scope of what I have been dealing with.

Still experiencing some cognitive dissonance around the whole thing, but I have started processing it.