The thing that sucks is the court system wants to know why I stayed in a relationship with an abusive person and got her pregnant.
Well, admit that you weren't prepared to deal with a dysfunctional relationship and it took time for you to learn
what you were dealing with and
how to deal with it. You know better now. Going forward, you will handle things better by seeking legal and counseling advice, educating yourself on your options and scenarios, and using support from family, experts and peer support.
I think one concern of the court is whether you two will establish a cycle of breaking up and making up. They really don't have much patience for repeat litigants. Sort of, "Here we go again, got another call to settle a domestic dispute... ." So actually they'll probably think better of you if you learn how to end a bad relationship and move forward with your life and parenting. Doesn't mean they make it easy for you to parent, sadly.
I recall my lawyer responding to my frustration with court, "Well, you married her!" So I know how you feel. It is what it is, don't let others guilt you too much, deal with it and Move On to productive brainstorming, okay?
As for the separation and her wanting to get back together, if she's not making REAL progress in therapy then making your own life is the right thing for you AND the right thing for your child. Our first impulse is to think that separation would harm the child but sometimes not separating could harm the child more. Sadly, there's no single perfect solution, so the goal is to keep it as less messy as possible.
Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships. Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, overall craziness, etc. Some 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one." Ponder that. Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos. And some of the flying monkeys too.
One excellent handbook in our high conflict cases is
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy and Randi Kreger — it is also listed on our Book Reviews board.
www.HighConflictInstitute.com (also available at Amazon and elsewhere)
