Haven't cried

[Aurora8]

Broke up with my undiagnosed BF about a week ago. Still haven't cried. I was wondering if something was wrong with me. A couple hours ago I started feeling anxious with my stomach feeling odd. Dry heaved. Almost vomited. I think maybe the tears are coming soon. I feel like I 'should' cry. I guess I don't exactly know what I'm feeling right now. Read these boards all weekend from my couch (barely did anything else). I was only with my guy a few months. I thought his problem was just anger management. He was getting more and more nasty, hostile, verbally/emotionally abusive. He kept apologizing and agreeing he was wrong. First saw doc and got put back on meds, next time promised and started therapy... .I kept being honest about my feelings and told him I couldn't keep redrawing my line in the sand on what I would tolerate (boundries). One of the last events he did some serious name calling and smashed a beer bottle in my driveway while he drove off (my 11 year old daughter was home in bed). This BU was him shutting me out when I wanted to talk about something, next day an I'm done text.  I said okay. Couple days later he asked me out for a drink. I texted that as hard as it is for me, and even though I love him, no contact was best for me. He insulted me , said I was the one who F'd it all up, and ended with "I don't love you. Don't think I ever did. I was just lonely. You're unlovable." Anyway, I guess I'm rambling and just reaching out. Was concerned about not crying. It's like a get-to-buisness-and-protect yourself-robotic-like state took over. I think the tears are coming this evening though.

[DownandOut]

I am on your page totally. I have found it impossible to cry, even though some days all I want to do is just lay on the floor and cry like a little baby. There's nothing wrong with you, your emotions are all messed up and it makes things difficult. It's been over two months NC for me and I still can't shed one tear. It will take time and all you can do now is focus on yourself.

P.S. Don't worry about the insults. Everything he said to you was everything he felt about himself projected onto you - it's madness!

[Turkish]

P.S. Don't worry about the insults. Everything he said to you was everything he felt about himself projected onto you - it's madness!

Yep. Aurora, that is exactly it. Such a sad, little man. Be mindful of his potential for violence and take care.

[Emelie Emelie]

Well Aurora I have the opposite problem.  Four months post break up and it seems all I do is cry.  We have been in contact... .I don't think a week has gone by that we haven't communicated.  (Probably why I'm still crying )  When he loses his temper, and he has a hair trigger temper, he says some really awful and vile things to me.  What I do know is he lashes out when he's hurt or scared or jealous.  It's hard not to take it personally despite that knowledge but do understand it's not really about you.  You said no to his drink invitation which triggered all sorts of emotions in him that he can't handle.  He's just lashing out. 

As far as not crying yet I don't think there are any "shoulds" about how you're feeling right now or reacting to those feelings.  You're only a week out.  I know I've run the emotional gamut.  From numbness to wrenching pain to relief to an almost panicky need to reach out to him.  Easier said than done but try to just "let it be" when in comes to your feelings.  Feel them and deal with them as they come up.  We all hurt and react and recover in different ways. 

Take care of yourself. 

[DragoN]

Aurora 

I am sorry that you are going through this. It's hurtful and awful being raged at without sense. His smashing things is to terrorize you and is abusive.

Agree with everyone else statements as well. NC is a good plan. Learn what you can and realize that his cruel behaviors are not about you, but about his own lack of self and self hatred.

There is a very interesting talk at this link www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/2013/05

I hope you find it helpful.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Aurora8, it sounds like you've been having a hard time, both during your relationship and now in the aftermath. You deserve a hug. 

Broke up with my undiagnosed BF about a week ago. Still haven't cried. I was wondering if something was wrong with me. A couple hours ago I started feeling anxious with my stomach feeling odd. Dry heaved. Almost vomited. I think maybe the tears are coming soon. I feel like I 'should' cry. I guess I don't exactly know what I'm feeling right now.

Maybe not crying is something of a defense mechanism, your body trying to keep you from feeling the pain of loss? And then perhaps the anxiety and dry heaves were a reaction to not having that outlet.

It's okay not to cry. You probably will when you need to. And it's okay to be ambivalent about how you feel. You were in a relationship with somebody who was very confused and confusing. You loved him despite the problems.

You said you were reading the site all weekend. Did you feel like you started to have some kind of understanding of what happened between you and him?

I found this community early in my relationship and reading about BPD was like a revelation, but I still stayed with my exBPDgf for months afterwards. And this was after my logical side realized the relationship was most likely going to fail. I still went through all kinds of feelings and confusion. It's natural.

[Waifed]

I have to admit I am the opposite.  I have always considered myself a "macho" type guy who rarely shows my emotions.  Ever since I broke up with her I find myself tearing up over the silliest little things not even related to the relationship.  It is crazy and it comes and goes in phases.  Just before I broke it off with her I called my dad at 4 am in tears.  I could not control myself.  I told him I was so empty and lost inside and I didn't know why.  Well, I have since figured out that the life had been sucked out of me and I had nothing left to give  .  That is when I knew it was time for a change.

I think everyone reacts differently and you may or may not hit the point that you just have to let it all out.  I know I don't fight myself.  If I feel like crying I let it all out.  It feels good after I flush my feelings.  I just try to do it when no one else is around 

[Aurora8]

Thank you for the replies , link and hug.  I didn't end up crying. The dry heave, to me, felt like my body wanted to expel his venom. I have more to say but my thoughts are all jumbled. So for now, just thank you! that link was great. I remember thinking more than once... .He's sucking the life out of you, and/or it's like he's extinguishing the light inside me and killing the sparkle that was in my eye. I am proud of myself for ending it early, I think it speaks to what I've already taught myself about boundries, self respect etc. I do worry about trusting my judgement in future dating. I thought I was very good at weeding out men and choosing not to date certain ones. Was quite proud of my BS detector. Friends would joke "you don't mess around... ." Because  I was being quite (maybe overly) picky. Then I go and pick the worst one... That scares me... .Hold out... .  okay with being single... .Waiting for the right one... .  Saved my heart for a good  2-3 years... .Then I go and hand it over to the one who would hurt it the most?

[Aurora8]

I'm also worried about my desire for a very close connection. I read about how the love bombing, very intense and close very quickly is a red flag. I understand that to a degree. On the other hand... .I like thaaat! Lol. That intense  connection... .And even the thought that one can 'know' they've stumbled on something good early on. The soulmatey feeling... .So I'm wondering... Does this mean I need to give up my desire for that? That I'm way off in my views and desires of/in relationships? And need a complete overhaul in how I see things? Let me add that I HAVE seen through several men confessing feeling too soon etc. I really thought I knew the difference, asked a lot of questions in order to get a sense of his emotional maturity and readiness. I thought I had hit the jackpot! That all my weeding through bad dates had finally paid off...

Do I really have to give up all my romanticism of love and what the connection will feel like? Or do I stick with the pride that I did get out early, and accept that sometimes I will just be wrong and need to move on? Not sure if I'm making sense.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm also worried about my desire for a very close connection. I read about how the love bombing, very intense and close very quickly is a red flag. I understand that to a degree. On the other hand... .I like thaaat! Lol. That intense  connection... .And even the thought that one can 'know' they've stumbled on something good early on. The soulmatey feeling... .So I'm wondering... Does this mean I need to give up my desire for that? That I'm way off in my views and desires of/in relationships? And need a complete overhaul in how I see things? Let me add that I HAVE seen through several men confessing feeling too soon etc. I really thought I knew the difference, asked a lot of questions in order to get a sense of his emotional maturity and readiness. I thought I had hit the jackpot! That all my weeding through bad dates had finally paid off...

Do I really have to give up all my romanticism of love and what the connection will feel like? Or do I stick with the pride that I did get out early, and accept that sometimes I will just be wrong and need to move on? Not sure if I'm making sense.

Hi Aurora8, I don't think we can overgeneralize about "red flags". Some people do fall head over heels in love. But I do feel there is a difference between somebody who is very sweet and loving early in a relationship versus somebody who is totally crazy. If somebody writes me a handwritten thank you note that says how much they loved our date early on in the relationship, then that is okay. If somebody starts talking about where we'll get married and what the kids names will be early in the relationship, then that's not so good. 

I do feel that there are good people that we can connect with quickly. Sometimes there is a lot of "chemistry", although that is not necessarily any guarantee on how healthy the relationship will be or how long the relationship will last. We are all human, none of us has a crystal ball that can tell the future, right? We have to be vulnerable to receive love and to give love. Sometimes it doesn't work out, sometimes we get hurt. Life isn't always fair, and we're going to get hurt sometimes, but if we risk nothing, then we also stand to gain nothing.

I'm not sure of your story, but one thing that probably contributed to being in a BPD relationship for most people might've been a lack of strong boundaries. Somebody may be very loving initially, but if they start yelling at us and one of our boundaries is that we will not have a shouting match with anybody... .then there should be consequences for that. When somebody consistently violates our boundaries, then we know that no matter how loving their words and actions might be sometimes, they are not going to cut it when it comes to "happily ever after". We also need to avoid being enmeshed. When our thoughts and feelings are totally wrapped up in another person, when we are only reacting to them instead of from within our own thoughts, desires, and feelings, (or they are only reacting to us) then that is also unhealthy.

Realize that mirroring and idealizing are not solely BPD behaviors, almost everybody does these things. It can take a little while before we have a better view of what a person is like past the initial attraction.

Apologies to all if I'm lecturing. 

[patientandclear]

Aurora,  .  I recognize a lot of my story in what you're experiencing.  It was really hard for me to cry initially.  I was numb, almost catatonic.  I didn't know about BPD then so had no explanatory framework for what had happened.

I know just what you mean about having been careful and picky for so long, then handing your heart over to the one who would hurt you the most.  I too thought I'd hit the jackpot.  The fact is, much as I like to avoid this knowledge, that impression was based on a lot of deception and omissions.  He told me he'd always thought I ("the One" was out there, and he'd been willing to be alone until he met me.  This sounded like he'd been doing the same thing I had -- getting healthy, being independent, not desperate for a r/s.  The only problem is, nothing could be further from the truth.  When he referred to being "alone" while waiting for me, what actually happened was he intensely dated and love-bombed, and then dumped, a series of women, including others in the office where we both worked.  He described them to me as "friends" with whom he'd "had to maintain boundaries."  Because they were so into him.

My ex didn't rage, he acts out internally & withdraws.  When he did, and seemed to be ending it (by text & email -- refused to meet in person), I was confused, hurt, and argued with him about whether this made any sense.  But when he seemingly wouldn't budge, I told him it seemed his feelings were very different from what I'd come to believe, and given that, I accepted his decision, as much as it hurt.  He later wanted to get back together (though he had a mighty hard time expressing that), and I agreed on the condition that he look at whatever impulses led him to leave suddenly the first time, because I couldn't take another round like that.  He suddenly got cold feet and we didn't end up getting back together.

Telling you this because it ended up being really hard for me to maintain confidence in my own boundaries -- accepting his decision initially, asking that he look at why he'd pushed me away as a condition of getting back together.  I've had the hardest time maintaining confidence that these were good choices, & didn't somehow cost me a great love.  I was already so addicted to the amazing highs.

I hope the fact that your ex raged is helpful in making it clearer for you than it was for me that your boundaries were necessary & you weren't wrong to call it when you did.