10 Months Post Relationship

[Augustine]

It can be summarized concisely:

I inhabit the same planet, but wander through an entirely unrecognizable world.

Fifteen years ago when I exited a long-term relationship, a dear friend would take me out sailing to clear my head.  I remember praying fervently, hoping that we could just keep going, and never return.

Unfortunately, happy endings, and success stories don’t actually exist in an honest adult reality, as relying on ephemera places one in a position no better than a junkie’s on skid-row living only for the next high.

I used to think that clambering into a sailboat, and sailing over the horizon, would be the answer…until I read about the experiences of people who actually followed through on that ambition…

There’s just highs and lows in life, and being in either state for any amount of time isn’t indicative of anything other than being subject to life’s normal vagaries.

Ten months later, I live in limbo. Neither happy nor sad; however, It’s my recently acquired piercingly honest assessment of life that precludes me from finding myself in either position for any significant amount of time.

I also resent living in a society that all-but insists that something is perilously wrong with you if you’re not delirious with laughter 24/7, and partnered, insistent that you need to talk to someone so that you can overcome your handicap, or point to an instance in your childhood where everything derailed for you.

I’ve always been this way,  superimposing a lie onto reality, and having a epic breakdown when things don’t work out…and they never work out, because lies cannot be sustained indefinitely.

Loyalty, commitment, honesty, working hard, sacrifices…oh yes, these facets are always noticed…by the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

Ten months later, and I’m relatively convinced that I don’t present well, but that’s okay. I’m just being frank.

Whether I choose to raise the white flag to life or not is irrelevant, because just like a every psychotic bully I ever met, I’m sure life is going to kick the living s**t out of me for my impertinence regardless of my position.

Well, it can, and while I’m spitting up blood, I’ll be telling life to go and f**k itself with each blow.

[Kashi]

I think I might be able to see myself in some of what you say.

When I hit a life low, I want to get on that sailboat.   I actually did that (not a sailboat) once in life.

I decided in a week to quit my job and travel.  Alone.  That is exactly what it felt like. 

I stood on incredibly beautiful mountains and then felt the desire to share the beauty with someone.

I thought that I needed a partner.  So some years down the track I have realized that isn't the case. 

That can, beauty and happiness in my own moments.  That it comes from within, and it isn't dependent on someone else.  That took me some years and heart ache to realize.  I think I might be a bit slow

I also discovered if you throw life to the wind eventually you have to come back and if nothing within you has changed then life will be exactly the same. 

We are not joyous humans all smiles and Instagram stories where everything is perfect. 

Without getting into conspiracy theory, media does send subliminal messages, along with governments, politicians and money makers.  All saying how we should feel and what success looks like.  It's manufactured and people turn themselves inside out trying to fit the mould.

There is a great video on this site which talks about vulnerability.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

I started to think about allowing yourself to feel strength in vulnerability and own it as such

My flaws I own as work I need to do.  Not who I am.  Parts of myself that require work.  To do that you have to forgive yourself for your mistakes.

Another great tool is CBT.  You don't need to follow it like a religion.  You can simply take the concept and challenge yourself.   Challange negative thinking.  Especially if you had a relationship with a person with BPD.  You need to ask yourself hard questions and take responsibility for your own actions and part in that relationship.

Moodgym is quite good and free.  Ecouch goes into relationships. 

It can seem simplistic at first.  Some of it didn't relate to me at all but it does allow you sit with your thoughts for a while and just challenge some of the ideas you have.   I found that useful.

Especially come out of a relationship with a BPD person and feeling confused, used, disillusioned, lonely and deeply sad.

My objective isn't to turn myself in to a shiny, happy person.   My objective is to live my authentic self which is where I see contentment "lives" and strength.  Then perhaps you aren't looking for society to validate who you are and resenting "the lie" 

The other point I focus on is making choices.  Working through the choices I am making and allowing myself to make assessments of those choices, and I find I don't want to continue with a scenario I can simply change it without seeing it as a failure or negative. 

I shouldn't really analyze your comments.  I don't know you and that would be unfair. 

I would like to ask you a question.  Do you think you are giving too much power to other factors outside of yourself and maybe making it a focus?

[Kashi]

Follow up since I have thought about this.

I thought I was a target as well.

What I have realized is, I am not.   

I saw the red flags and thought I could love her, and behaviors would change.

That was my choice.  My choice was incorrect, and I ignored my instincts. 

They can only get "past" if you allow them.

I wasn't even buying into the idealization phase; I would give her reality checks on who I am

I wasn't buying into who she was projecting either.  I knew both of those elements don't exist and to be honest I do not want to be on a pedestal nor put someone else there.   That is the last thing I wanted. 

That expectation.   

Anyway !   I ignored the red flags.  I saw them.  I thought she was worth it.  I thought love would win the day.

That was my choice.   I knew I shouldn't and I did.   That is my lesson. 

[Augustine]

I would like to ask you a question.  Do you think you are giving too much power to other factors outside of yourself and maybe making it a focus?

I’d like to thank you for offering your wisdom.

In my estimation, the only time that someone is being unfair is when they’re not being perfectly honest; it’s always better to be slapped by the truth, than kissed with a lie.

I’m an interactionist, believing that the self is socially prescribed, not ascribed.

However, I rail at the fact that mindless mediocrities have the ultimate say in that prescriptive. 

As well, I’m disgusted by a biological imperative that leaves all of us enslaved, pursing ideals that are functionally unobtainable viz., relationships.

I mentioned the fact that the ancillary drive is to overlay a grandiose lie onto every facet of life so that one doesn’t completely lose all their marbles.

I’m not angry with my former partner, as I honestly don’t believe that I would have been any happier, or any sadder, had I chosen to couple with someone else. 

The truth of the matter is that I haven’t encountered anyone who wasn’t a functionary/battery hen, suspended no more than a nanometer away from utter psychological ruin.

I recollect that in the period of dating leading up to finding my former partner, I was already becoming disgusted with the continuous dissembling and subterfuge. Not only with dating, but with life as well.

Unfortunately for me, I missed my calling in life. I was already completely fed up with everything by the time I left university, and should have followed through on joining the French Foreign Legion as I initially wanted to.

That, in essence, is my problem: there was nothing about conventional life that I found even remotely interesting…apart from the ease of access to food.

So, I think I’ve seen enough now, after a lifetime of always doing the right thing…and paying a bitter price for that folly.

I only draw solace from nature, and solitary activities, so I hope to spend a few more years working, buy another sailboat, and f**k off over that horizon, leaving all this comically putrid mess (mostly) behind me.

[2020]

Augustine,

Two songs come to mind. For the Foreign Legion, I recommend Scott Walker's ‘Next’. For the relationships, I propose Scott Walker's ‘The Girls and the Dogs’.

Indeed, it is a very average world.

[Kashi]

Since you are someone of the "truth" then I can speak freely and won't be offended.

I think you are diving into depths of disillusionment and fantasy, looking for the answer.

The answer is, people are shallow, so don't expect you will find someone who is authentic on your terms.

Since authenticity is Indvidual and expressed in a million and one ways.

They won't speak your language. 

There answer isn't there.   The answer is to be in awe with the simplicity. 

Outside of you or within you.

Not the complexity.

The answer is to strip it all back to nothing.