My philosophy on how you can get over your ex

[jammo1989]

Hey guys when i was struggling to get over an ex BPD, i sat down and wrote this in my own words, i really hope this will help you understand and come to terms with who and what that person really was.

You need to convince yourself that this it was merely just a dream, it was an illusion of what you perceived as reality.  It was an interconnected circle of events that not only secluded and abused you, but also tried to destroy your self worth.  In theory, her cancer of the brain created a sense of fulfilment and control towards you, sexual seduction was the forefront of such motives, her reasoning is that of a child and that, her sense of security only came from attention, and in order for that attention to be fully recognised sexual gratification was the reward.  She is a walking disease, her emotional responses and lack of empathy are the result of her mental disorder, although not her fault, this kind of behaviour is not only processed by a normal human brain, but it also goes to show how much of a simple being she is.  Negativity leads her life, shes has created this false phesona  of reality and in theory her only coping mechanism for this is to be told shes seen as acceptable to society.  You must also remember that sex, looks, and personality dont play a role, and that feelings of love aren't even considered to her lack of empathy.  She was like this before you met her and will go on to complete this cycle until her inner fulfilment has been addressed.  This is short lived and can not be maintained giving her the selective view of an emotional vampire.  Shes uses men as a sense of security, there is no other way to compensate for this.  She does not have any feelings what so ever for this new guy, and in theory because of collapsed relationships before will be short lived.

[lm911]

Amazing! Thank you! Very well written!

[jammo1989]

No worries my friend, we have or are all going through it, another thing that will make you feel better is this.  A man focusses solely on his ego, this could be down to how muscular you are, how successful and financially stable you are.  In a normal break up, you would compare   Yourself to this new man she has in her life.  These woman are very different, have you noticed how a lot of these woman downgrade to the point you almost find it funny.  She HAD to find this new replacement, so she has NOT moved on to something better.  I have also wrote an acceptance which i would like to share with you, to help you through these hard times, it is as follows:

This is your final bit of closure to finally accept what happened.

Shes is mentally unstable from childhood, abandonment and being alone opens up deep wounds from her childhood.  It leaves her with depression and suicidal tendancies.  This is true because she even told you about being depressed, and feelings of wanting to get run over.  She feels as if i abandoned her.  I was the result of her deep depression and crying fits.  She has now punished you for making her depressed and almost suicidal.  In other words she has now replaced you because she HAD to! Its depression or finding a replacment.  She is protecting herself from serious emotional damage, and just like anyone else would do she is going to take her emotions first.  Dont reach out to her but remember she is a ticking time bomb this guy wont know how to handle the situation.  Be happy for her because she deserves happiness! 

[Rifka]

Your wording is so great!

I too have basically put this in my head about my ex BPDbf from the moment I understood what I needed to about this disorder.

It has helped me to never turn back! This Thursday will be 6 weeks n/c. Friday will be 2 months since I told him that he can't come back into my life anymore. There is no reason to ever look back into hell again.

I only wish well for him and his life, but it's not about him anymore. I devoted 9 months of my life to him, now it's about me again.

I hope what you wrote will help guide some people here out of the internal hell that they are still in.

Rifka

[Whiteytheox72]

Thank you for the share. This helped me today.

[bunnysc]

Thanks for that Jammo, it makes me feel better   , damn I woke up today and felt like 200 pounds crushing me, my body and feelings... .I've been a little more than 2 months NC with a recycle 4 days ago from her sending some texts saying hi (I didn't answer)...

Its been a hard trying to understand the big mess... .I really cared about her, I did everything for her. But funny how since the beginning of the relationship I was the one ending the RS  cause of her attitude and you know the     's... .

I never had the power to end it for good, instead we went for almost 1.5 years (recycles emotions bad days good days etc) THE HELL R coaster oh man... .

One day she just left me, not a single feeling from her, not even a tear nothing (When she was the one always crying texting, calling begin me to take her back). I guess it was one of her 1st replacements, indeed it was cause she even used him against me, this guy called me and even threaten me... .Poor human being.

But like you guys say, they can't be alone, they need someone to keep living. So sad and messed up. Even worse how they catch the victims with SEX power, how messed up is that. Literally they will seduce anyone and F anyone, go to bed with each random guy with no feeling or respect to themselves whatsoever. Just like a prostitute. So sad to think I was used so much.

[jammo1989]

Im glad i could help you guys out,  i would also like to address this and its extremely important ok?  From what I've experienced and from what ive red IF your ex BPD had a traumatic childhood, where the mother or father was abusive or not present.  The relationship that was played out was a reinactment or her child hood.  Think of her as that child crying all alone in the corner of the room, then you come along, she/he expects you to act as their parent, because that is the love they needed when growing up.  I would also like to add that when you said she rang you up crying, do you know why that was? Its because she was dropped on her ass all alone, you opened up that childhood trauma, she tries so desperately to hide.  This wasnt crying over YOU, this was her saying please dad/mum dont leave me again.  It is also important to understand that they have different roles within themselves.  for example, i personally feel that the reason sex with a BPD is incredible is because they pull out the abused child card. She will let you do what ever the hell you want with her, and if you really think about it, this hardcore porn like sex isnt love its almost abuse, which she is almost used to.  In other words, its not HER that gives you the amazing sex its what she allows you to do.  I am bringing this up because a lot of you guys go back for the amazing sex and ego.  But in reality, all shes thinking is, if i can give him what he wants, he will never leave me, hense why my ex BPD always used to say im the best youve ever had aren't i? The last thing i want you guys to understand is they will never be on our level, and thats why we want to nurture and care for them, because compared to us they have nothing! You nurture them like a child, thats not a relationship ok? We shouldn't hate these people, nor try to invest energy into deep negative emotion.  The next guy/girl is NOT their bf/ ok they are a convenience! If my exes replacement was in a relationship, she would have begged for me back. They treat others as toys, when that toy breaks (upsets them) they then cry like a baby without a rattle because they sense abandonment, and guess what they do? Throw the old toy away and get a new one, just like the child they really are, remember their thought process, ill abandon you before you can abandon me! Why do i think they do this? Because they want us to feel like they did as a child, and by doing this, all their doing is projecting their owns fears and lack of responsibility on us NONs.         

[jammo1989]

Thank you for your kind words Rifka! You have done the right thing, youve set your boundaries and put your foot down, not only does this show you are capable of showing great signs of strength, it also shows that you are now the person your ex BPD wouldnt want to mess with! These are solely children who are on a constant life journey looking for answers finding the one) us Nons are not the one because lets be realistic here, im sure your life was and is still more stable than his.  So in reality you guided him to try and be a better person, but without therapy these people will abuse that privilege. You projected your good will onto them and in return got nothing but bad behaviour back.  Want to know why i personally feel BPDs downgrade with the next?  Its solely because they are so used to drama in their life, so when things are calm and going well, they fabricate things to try and start an argument.  This is why you see these people going from successful, mature people to drug addicts and alcoholics, they like to be in an environment their used to, and even then they will see the loser of a replacement as the one.   

[NorthLight]

Thank you so much for this post, i really needed it. Its so true. Most BPD (mine to) have traumas from childhood, and we are more of a parent than partner in the rs. Most of us, including me, GAVE AND GAVE AND GAVE, but it was never enough. She had anxiety and depression and cried in my arms so many days, and begged me to never "give up on her" and leave her. I always told her i won't. How kind of rs is that? not a healthy one, its messed up. I was more of a father than bf i guess, so my replacement isn't a new bf, its really just a new care-taker to take care of her and nurture her.

I think why its hard to get over a rs like this, is because you kinda loose your "child" because of the type of rs you two had, so you care so much for your ex and can't let them go and miss them because they became your purpose in life. And all the emotional baggage, all the trauma, really makes a strong connection - so when its so suddenly ripped out of your life its hard to deal with it, and suddenly my life seems so empty and meaningless.

[jammo1989]

Hey Northlight, i couldn't agree more, we are the product of our childhood.  If you grew up with healthy, loving parents you will find that empathy and caring for others is something built into our inner self.  What we must understand is that, these people dont have the same thought process as ours.  They would NOT act like we do if the roles were reversed, is that because their evil creatures? No its because they were never taught to love and protect others, they were taught to protect themselves, and they were the teacher.  In other words, dont think for one second if you hit rock bottom she/he will pick you up because they dont know how to.  If you really want to get over your ex BPD, i really want you to read this carefully.  My exes mum put her into care, strangled her and is a heroin addict.  When i 1st went to see my ex we ended up at her mothers. Her mother Bi Polar of course, kept saying to my ex we are survivors arent we? We are only on this earth to survive.  This was drilled into her head before she went into care.  My point being BPDs are survivors, us Nons are protectors by nature.  So in theory we are the parents they never had.  Remember that, if they are survivors their life is always going to be worse than how we are feeling now emotionally.  Just because they are sleeping with others does NOT mean they are happy, it just shows us how desperate they are to be accepted.  There is no emotion (love) so dont think for one second she is having sex for her, she has it for him! Its her way of seduction, so jealousy with a person like this shouldnt even bother you.  And besides think of them as a roller coaster,  it was just an experience, you got there 1st, sexually and emotionally, you beat her replacement to it, so if anything thank them, because a roller coaster only lasts so long and only has so many loops.  If you jump back on the roller coaster, the same experience will happen, and trust me i can can only go on a roller coaster so many times, after that i get bored or feel sick!         

[NorthLight]

Hey Northlight, i couldn't agree more, we are the product of our childhood.  If you grew up with healthy, loving parents you will find that empathy and caring for others is something built into our inner self.  What we must understand is that, these people dont have the same thought process as ours.  They would NOT act like we do if the roles were reversed, is that because their evil creatures? No its because they were never taught to love and protect others, they were taught to protect themselves, and they were the teacher.  In other words, dont think for one second if you hit rock bottom she/he will pick you up because they dont know how to.  If you really want to get over your ex BPD, i really want you to read this carefully.  My exes mum put her into care, strangled her and is a heroin addict.  When i 1st went to see my ex we ended up at her mothers. Her mother Bi Polar of course, kept saying to my ex we are survivors arent we? We are only on this earth to survive.  This was drilled into her head before she went into care.  My point being BPDs are survivors, us Nons are protectors by nature.  So in theory we are the parents they never had.  Remember that, if they are survivors their life is always going to be worse than how we are feeling now emotionally.  Just because they are sleeping with others does NOT mean they are happy, it just shows us how desperate they are to be accepted.  There is no emotion (love) so dont think for one second she is having sex for her, she has it for him! Its her way of seduction, so jealousy with a person like this shouldnt even bother you.  And besides think of them as a roller coaster,  it was just an experience, you got there 1st, sexually and emotionally, you beat her replacement to it, so if anything thank them, because a roller coaster only lasts so long and only has so many loops.  If you jump back on the roller coaster, the same experience will happen, and trust me i can can only go on a roller coaster so many times, after that i get bored or feel sick!         

I do not feel jealousy of my replacement, but i do feel really hurted and betrayed that she could move on the next day with a new guy, right after dumping her "soul mate" and only man for her. While i sit here in endless pain. I can't really imagine she being in a serious rs already, it just makes me wonder if she has forgotten our really intense rs, and everything we went through, and all those strong emotions. I can't accept it in my mind and can't get closure.

But thanks, you have a very good view on this. You are right, and it seems logical for every person. But for me, and others that are really "down" from the breakup, the emotions tell us otherwise, so i am glad you are helping me get a better perspective. I just can't stop missing the good times, and i can't understand how she so easily can move on, and can't stop missing her even tho she broke my hearth (doesn't make much sense)

[jammo1989]

Northlight my friend, we all want closure from our relationships, but BPDs dont have the right emotional tools equipped to give us that.  Why is this? its because, their life is based on using their coping/survival mechanisms.  Remember, we arent dealing with a mature adult here, we are dealing with a child, that stopped growing emotionally from a very young age.  The reason why they wont give us closure is for a number of reasons.

1. They dissociate, they are children they refuse to take responsibility for their actions, so in theory, not only do they fabricate a lie in order for them to create a reason to run away, but they also believe WE were the ones that abandoned them.  Because, this deep inner emotion for them is so painful they MUST run to the hills because we have now reminded them of their childhood trauma.

2. They dont give us closure, because, to them they NEED to be in control of the situation, and if they werent in control (have the last say) they would crumble emotionally.

3. By not giving us closure, they keep us on their hook, think about it, If she gave you a reason why you broke up, there would be no need to constantly re assess the situation, and by giving you no closure you are being constantly reminded of HER.

4.  Her hatred is deep within her sub concious, what she says to you isnt true, she would only do these things for attention, For example, my new bf is so much better than you, she doesnt mean it she is doing it to get a reaction out of you, if you react, she knows he still cares, he still wants me and will put you on the back burner.  Think about this, why be herr choice when your her priority?

As you can see from the above, the reason you cant get over her is because their lack of closure entails us to constantly analysis the relationship.  If you were to reach out and be like, hey, hope your ok? you MAY get 1 text back saying im fine thanks, this then gives you hope, when in reality all she is doing is seeing if your still available in case she needs a favour of some sort, DO NOT  CONTACT THESE PEOPLE!     

[Whiteytheox72]

With the day I have had and information I got today I have been physically ill. Reading this thread has shed some much needed light on so much. You all have helped me profoundly today.

[jammo1989]

With the day I have had and information I got today I have been physically ill. Reading this thread has shed some much needed light on so much. You all have helped me profoundly today.

We are all happy to help, your physical and mental health is not worth one person no matter how special you saw them.  I know i keep repeating myself here but they are children, we arent calling them immature because we want to look like the mature ones (like a normal break up). These people werent given the love and affection needed from the age of 0-5 from their parents.  Think about this ok? We were breast fed, cuddled, loved and put to bed everynight by the 1st people we experience a strong bond with.  These people never experienced that, so when you really think about it, you come to realise that, they had to teach themselves how to cope with their lack of emotional development, and one of their ways of doing that is mirroring others.  When i grew up, i was into the things my dad did, fishing, quad biking, because i saw him as a role model.  Your BPD ex never had a role model, so in theory she lacks self identity, how parents create and disipline us in order for us to be people we are today, your ex didnt have that opportunity.  They are survivors and they need others around to be there for THEM, you were her father in her eyes, yes it sounds weird, but its true yes she loved you but not in the loving way a mature (non mentally sick) person would, she ideolozed you because you became her rock.  Yet again lets use the child snenario, her life is always on water sometimes she floats (happy) sometimes she sinks (depressed) this child cant swim, you were her arm bands, i can assure you, that if you finished her then locked her in a room she would do a lot more than cry, because to her she doesnt love she NEEDS! Shes not trying to hurt you, its just her coping mechanism, in her head she feels like shes sinking and the only way to not drown is to latch onto someone new.  Want to know why they do this? Its solely because these woman supress their emotions to the point they learn to become numb, when she runs those feelings entrenched in her are so deep and we unlocked them, this is why they begged and pleaded when no one else was around, they are basically saying please mum/dad, dont do this to me again! The next guy isnt someone she loves, i promise you that, he was there to stop her hard landing, if he wasnt there she would.

A) beg and plead even stalk you

B) become that severly depressed that they may harm themselves

They are lost children looking for something they never had (love) but because they dont know what love really is, guess what? They NEVER find it!

[Blimblam]

With the day I have had and information I got today I have been physically ill. Reading this thread has shed some much needed light on so much. You all have helped me profoundly today.

We are all happy to help, your physical and mental health is not worth one person no matter how special you saw them.  I know i keep repeating myself here but they are children, we arent calling them immature because we want to look like the mature ones (like a normal break up). These people werent given the love and affection needed from the age of 0-5 from their parents.  Think about this ok? We were breast fed, cuddled, loved and put to bed everynight by the 1st people we experience a strong bond with.  These people never experienced that, so when you really think about it, you come to realise that, they had to teach themselves how to cope with their lack of emotional development, and one of their ways of doing that is mirroring others.  When i grew up, i was into the things my dad did, fishing, quad biking, because i saw him as a role model.  Your BPD ex never had a role model, so in theory she lacks self identity, how parents create and disipline us in order for us to be people we are today, your ex didnt have that opportunity.  They are survivors and they need others around to be there for THEM, you were her father in her eyes, yes it sounds weird, but its true yes she loved you but not in the loving way a mature (non mentally sick) person would, she ideolozed you because you became her rock.  Yet again lets use the child snenario, her life is always on water sometimes she floats (happy) sometimes she sinks (depressed) this child cant swim, you were her arm bands, i can assure you, that if you finished her then locked her in a room she would do a lot more than cry, because to her she doesnt love she NEEDS! Shes not trying to hurt you, its just her coping mechanism, in her head she feels like shes sinking and the only way to not drown is to latch onto someone new.  Want to know why they do this? Its solely because these woman supress their emotions to the point they learn to become numb, when she runs those feelings entrenched in her are so deep and we unlocked them, this is why they begged and pleaded when no one else was around, they are basically saying please mum/dad, dont do this to me again! The next guy isnt someone she loves, i promise you that, he was there to stop her hard landing, if he wasnt there she would.

A) beg and plead even stalk you

B) become that severly depressed that they may harm themselves

They are lost children looking for something they never had (love) but because they dont know what love really is, guess what? They NEVER find it!

Man this is good stuff right here

[forget-me-not]

Jammo, thank you so much for this post.

I'm still struggling with the idea that I could have done more, been more, saved him.

Your have helped me get another step (leap, actually)closer to the truth-there is no helping him, not from me or anyone else .

The pain he lives with on a daily basis is just gut wrenching.

His mother was bipolar and needed shock treatments when he was in high school, which left her with no memory of his grade school years. He said it was as if a stranger showed up at his house one day, and she was an empty shell.

His father went fishing and hunting alone almost every weekend , including holidays, so many x-masses and b-days he was gone.

Normal father-son activities were almost non-existent.

No role model, which explains the mirroring .

It's no wonder he turned out BPD.

So incredibly sad.

Somehow I gathered the strength to save myself, largely due to the amazing people on this forum.

[jammo1989]

Jammo, thank you so much for this post.

I'm still struggling with the idea that I could have done more, been more, saved him.

Your have helped me get another step (leap, actually)closer to the truth-there is no helping him, not from me or anyone else .

The pain he lives with on a daily basis is just gut wrenching.

His mother was bipolar and needed shock treatments when he was in high school, which left her with no memory of his grade school years. He said it was as if a stranger showed up at his house one day, and she was an empty shell.

His father went fishing and hunting alone almost every weekend , including holidays, so many x-masses and b-days he was gone.

Normal father-son activities were almost non-existent.

No role model, which explains the mirroring .

It's no wonder he turned out BPD.

So incredibly sad.

Somehow I gathered the strength to save myself, largely due to the amazing people on this forum.

Hey Forget Me Not, due to the ones who feel like they could have done more, and end up blaming themselves i am going to be as blunt as possible, why? Because i really need you to stop blaming yourself for something that isnt your fault.  If some one in your family had a disease they were told they were going to die from, no matter what you did, the outcome (death) would be the same.  Yes it sounds cruel, but its true, this person your speaking of was going to fufill the script in his head no matter what you did for him.  If anyghing you dodged a bullet, think about it, by you helping him more only equals 2 things, further emotional strain on your mental health, or financial drain.  You could have beeen with this person for 20 years and the outcome of his behaviour would be the same.

Its also important to realise that NO ONE can save him, not even himself, why? Because to him this is normal behaviour, its been their sincd birth, just like a gypsey thinks its perfectly normal to live in a caravan and not pay tax.  You couldnt have done more, and to be honest you shouldnt have tried harder, because like others have said on here, they are bucket with holes in, it doesnt matter how hard you try emotionally, they will always be empty. 

[Rifka]

Thank you for your kind words Rifka! You have done the right thing, youve set your boundaries and put your foot down, not only does this show you are capable of showing great signs of strength, it also shows that you are now the person your ex BPD wouldnt want to mess with! These are solely children who are on a constant life journey looking for answers finding the one) us Nons are not the one because lets be realistic here, im sure your life was and is still more stable than his.  So in reality you guided him to try and be a better person, but without therapy these people will abuse that privilege. You projected your good will onto them and in return got nothing but bad behaviour back.  Want to know why i personally feel BPDs downgrade with the next?  Its solely because they are so used to drama in their life, so when things are calm and going well, they fabricate things to try and start an argument.  This is why you see these people going from successful, mature people to drug addicts and alcoholics, they like to be in an environment their used to, and even then they will see the loser of a replacement as the one.   

Yes I totally agree with this great thread you started! You have done your homework and reading. Congrats to you.

I'm have no concerns for who he chooses next, I'm happy and me and free again. Life is fun again like before we met.

I gave him an opportunity to be in a very different life then he was use to, but it became overwhelming and he grew to despise the same thing he loved when we met. ( fabricated control issued lie)

I was too strong for him to totally break down and the fights were extreme by the end. I was fighting to save myself!

It's hard to believe how entangled you become in the web of drama, just because you are an empathic person who believes you can help them feel loved.

As I read more of these responses, I see and know that you made a wonderful and big difference to many of the people here. A little push in the right direction, for that I say thank you. It's great to see powerful positive posts that can give strength to those who need it at that moment and aha moments to the rest of us!

Great thread!

Rifka

[jammo1989]

Thank you every one, I wrote a a song about my ex BPD, I don't claim to be a rapper by the way, but im sure everyone on this board can relate to it, i would love to share it with you because  it might help you guys finally find the acceptance towards what's happened.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS3Egh_H0Ac

[jammo1989]

If you want to read the lyrics they are as follows:

When I look back at your past and all the incidents that happened

It’s like no one was ever there for you and the love you needed as a child was abandoned

Feeling all alone in this world you feel trapped in

And I feel sorry because history just seems to repeat the same old pattern

It’s like a feeling of loss but no one ever claimed responsibility or ever took action

So you try to break free from it but instead there’s only short term satisfaction

And yeah I get it, you don’t wanna to be rich or live in a mansion

You just wanna be accepted for who you are and emotionally loved with a passion

Its like how can we trust the ones were all supposed to love

When we can’t walk away when we’ve finally had enough

And I know it was tough, living with emotional scars that were constantly cut

Knocked about like a hockey puck, with no desire to move forward yeah you felt emotionally stuck

You were beat down since birth, but you know what, you still managed to get back up

And I know much you wanted to keep that ship afloat but in the end it finally sunk

And I know you hate me right now, and you really don’t give a ___, so I guess im out of luck

but when it came to guiding me to be stronger person, I can’t praise you enough 

And if the feeling of acceptance is your only drug, then just come give us a hug

Because I now understand that you’re just trying to make up for the loss of love for when you growing up






Sometimes in life you just gotta follow that yellow brick road,

In the same direction as the wind blows

But where does it go? Nobody knows, so its best to stay on your tip toes

Because god put us on this earth to grow

But some people just wanna take it slow

But I like to move fast so just like frozen ive finally learned to let it all go

Did I forget to mention, that I didn’t do this for the attention or to make a last impression

I did this because I appreciated everything you did for me like teaching me all of life’s lessons

Like how I should get a job and use my new acquired skills as weapons

Then learn to drive it’s like you planned out my entire life for me and progressively divided it into sections

And I remember you were that kind of girl back in high school to skip detention

Always caught my eye in the yard because you were so bubbly and interesting

And a few years later we started texting and I wanna be your friend again

So Bonnie but how longs your piece of string?

Because ive always stood up for what I believe in so you can call me   Marther Luther King

So id like to welcome you all the next chapter, and the fact still remains,

You’ve all heard Jammo when he raps on the beat so its finally that time to introduce James

And I know things have changed and nothing stays the same but at the end of the day when it comes to the little ones I would always stay

   

[NorthLight]

bravo nice lyrics  ! I hope your doing good.

I can so relate that she felt so lonely in this world, everyone had let her down, and she was always the victim, everyone she trusted let her down. Even tho she dumped me out of the blue, i guess in her head, i let her down and she is glad I'm gone, and she can keep up the victim-story to her next target to get empathy.

But yes, mine, and probably everyone with BPD has had an awful childhood - But it doesn't make it right or fair that we get so damaged and so much pain, when we are nothing but nice to them. Wow, never been so low in life! And never given so much of myself to ANYBODY before, that i gave to her, out of love and empathy.

[jammo1989]

Thanks Northlight! Im feeling really good at the moment, you really need to snap out of this low feeling, would you like to share your story with me? and I can give you the best insight and advice I possibly can regarding your situation.  Maybe, I can make you feel a lot better!   

[Vatz]

Been thinking about her a lot lately and I really needed this. Thanks jammo.

I think constantly revisiting the good memories, I'm also pushing back all the bad stuff. As if it never happened. But it did.

It's hard to think of myself as just something she latched onto when feeling abandoned, truth is I'm starting to think she had no real interest in me from the start. Like if she didn't have these problems, she wouldn't have given me the time of day.

Kinda bummed now. But at least I'm not pining for her as much.

[jammo1989]

Hey Vatz, im glad that i could make you feel better, as you can see ive done so much research on this subject, because just like you i find it hard to accept without closure.  Vatz my friend, she did love you ok? But its not the mature love 2 healthy adults feel, its a child like love that was felt towards you.  Let me try and explain the best i can, she loved how you made HER feel, you gave her a self identity, remember these woman dont feel capable of love because if your parents never fed you that love, how are they expected to know what it actually feels like? Bpds love us in the sense that we make them feel validated and almost whole again.  They latch on to someone because they need to feel accepted, think about it if you feel as if your parents never accepted you who the hell would? Think about it like this, im sure your ex was quite attractive, im sure she got male attention as well, BUT she latched onto you 1st because she wanted to mirror your qualities.  For example, my ex is 24 has 2 kids, no family in her life, and has no education.  Im 24, i have a degree, a wealthy family and i live in a lovely house.  Im not bigging myself up here, what im getting at is, she saw me as a strong person, she always used to say i feel like a piece of ___ next to you, she was forever jealous of what i had. 

This is what happens in my opinion, she latches onto the strongest person she sees, mentally, financially, lifestyle, and she then idelizes them, then, when her BPD kicks in through a trigger, she then tries to break you down to test your strengh and your commitment towards her.  My ex knew she wasnt on my level, so in accordance to this she projected her drama, negative energy on to me solely to wear me down.

So to answer and explain about why did she latch, did she ever love me?

She thought she loved you, her feelings were real but it wasnt the love we were brought up by our parents, it was the love of a child, almost like please daddy save me from a world i struggle to understand.  To her you were her rock during that period, but before you start feeling bad saying things like what if i could have done more, STOP IT, she has taught herself to survive, these woman use and abuse men, as they see them as disposable.  Thats exactly the reason why she can easily discard you and be in a relationship a few days later.  Yes they feel guilty, and deep down are ashamed of themselves, but they are children, they cant and wont take responsibility for their actions, because by doing so would mean opening up and finding it within themselves.  Think about how much supressed emotion, demons, and guilt is trapped deep inside them, by you asking for closure as to why they acted the way thry did, would mean flipping the pages inside her and before she finds the closure page, she could end up jumping to the wrong page (trauma) which would ignite the deep depression inside her.  So all in all your best bet is to stay well away!

[Vatz]

Jammo,

THAT right there definitely made me feel better. I get what you're saying.

Honestly, I knew that there wasn't more I could do for her, I was already doing plenty for her. *I* was plenty enough for her. So in that regard, I'm with you 100% on not going back, especially after everything that's happened. She'll never forgive me for sending her to the hospital for her suicide attempt. In her mind I "broke a promise." Thinking about it now, she broke plenty herself. So, I guess she and I are even, though she'll never see it that way. NC for 3 months. I'm just starting to get my social life together.

Anyway, thanks a lot. You helped make my morning, which hopefully will set a positive tune for the rest of the day.

[jammo1989]

Glad I could help out, Lets just put it this way yeah? , she was suicidal, that within itself is 1000000 times more emotionally dis regulated than the majority of us NONs will ever be, her pain on daily basis is so much more than than the pain we are feeling now.  Do I want you to feel sorry for her by saying that? no, not at all, What I want you to understand is, thats THEIR life.  When you move on with a new girl, living life to the full, shes going to be that same person she was when she was with you.  You didnt put her in hospital SHE did! she tried guilt tripping you into feeling sorry for her, so that she could suck you back into the drama, trust me on that one!

My ex wanted her 3rd baby with me, she kept saying i dont want anybody's baby I want YOUR baby, she would cry day and night longing for another baby, why? because she felt that I was going to abandon her so she wanted to entrap me into sticking around.  She then faked a pregnancy in desperation (at the time I believed her)  she then said im going to have the baby, its mu body not yours so you don't have a say on the matter.  I replied with im not having a ___ing baby with you! she then made out i killed our baby, by having an abortion, she was like how could you do this to OUR baby? but I later found out there was so pregnancy or abortion.  She made it up in the hope id get sucked back in, and because it back fired, she then tried to make me feel guilty by making out I made her kill the baby.  Why? because she fabricated a lie, it backfired, and she used to guilt and shame treatment of the abortion as a reason for her to run away.  Shes now painted me back with the notion I made her lose a child which is a lie, but by telling everyone thats the reason, it makes her feel less guilty about her actions.

Im sharing my story because these woman will do what ever it takes to either keep us in the drama, and if that doesnt work they will do what ever it takes to make her out to be the victim, their mentally ill remember!       

[uncrx]

After catching my exBPD gf cheating, I told her that I did not want to talk or see her again. That afternoon I received a letter of apology which I did not respond or react to. The next day she was telling a friend of mine that we were no longer together and she and the guy I caught her cheating with were now together. Again I did not respond or react.

Both of these were tactics to manipulate me into responding or reacting, positively or negatively, to let her know I still wanted the relationship which would give her the control back.

My closure has been ... .

1. The real person is now exposed which I don't believe this has happened before.

2. She downgraded with the new guy and he doesn't mean anything to her because she was cheating on him with me.

3. I realize that I have have control and have decided to focus that energy on myself instead of her or the relationship.

It's been a little more than 30 days of NC. I'm not sure if she will attempt to return to recycle the relationship although friends and this site say she most likely hasn't give up and will hear from her again. I try not to focus on if and when that may happen. Instead I focus on my healing, rediscovering myself and establishing boundaries that I failed to establish which enabled her and allowed for this relationship.

[jammo1989]

Good to hear from you uncrx, you hit the nail on the head, thats exactly why shes doing this to get a reaction to see if you still care enough, Personally, I would block her on all communication devices, because, although it might seem that you care enough by doing so, In her head she will sense the abandonment, and the power would then be in your court.  I may be wrong here, but I get a call from an unknown number every other week, I picked up once and all i got was silence that lasted for 6 seconds before they hung up.  She has blocked my number by the way.  Apart of me thinks it might be her just to see if ive blocked her number as well, as if to say he hasnt yet so I can still contact him in the future, not only this but my ex blocked me from everything apart from Gmail.  She has set her profile to private and open like 5 times in a month and her replacement has now set his profile to private, hes even deleted the one mutual friend i have with him.  If she was so in love and happy, she would want to show and brag about this guy to the world surely? do you think i should block her number as well, or just leave it and show that i dont care?     

[uncrx]

Hi Jammo1989.

As for me, along with No Contact, I have decided to provide No Response or Reaction to any provocation and if if confronted by anything to only offer indifference ... .I no longer care. I will not allow her to think she still owns or controls me.

I asked her after catching her cheating ... .Is this what I deserved after all that I have done and given? Later I realized I should be asking myself that question instead. It certainly put things in a different perspective for me ... .I and only I am responsible for me and my happiness and no longer responsible for her and her happiness. I wish her luck with that because her actions do not show that this is possible.

I hope that answers your question.

[jammo1989]

Hi Jammo1989.

As for me, along with No Contact, I have decided to provide No Response or Reaction to any provocation and if if confronted by anything to only offer indifference ... .I no longer care. I will not allow her to think she still owns or controls me.

I asked her after catching her cheating ... .Is this what I deserved after all that I have done and given? Later I realized I should be asking myself that question instead. It certainly put things in a different perspective for me ... .I and only I am responsible for me and my happiness and no longer responsible for her and her happiness. I wish her luck with that because her actions do not show that this is possible.

I hope that answers your question.

I totally agree with you, when someone makes the effort to physically block you, in my eyes its not indifference, its you abandoned me so you will be punished for your actions, of course its for control and to influence a reaction (which she hasn't got) right now Ive reached indifference, and id much rather hate me, because that shows she cares, it also takes a lot of energy to hold resentment towards someone, would you agree that she blocked me for punishment?  surely indifference means they wouldn't care if you made contact in a friendly manner.