Wife stopped seeing Therapist.

[WileyCoyote]

After the most recent bout of Silent Treatment/Dissociation that lasted about 4 days udwBPD has been kind and talking to me.   She was going to see the T on this Sat and then we were going to go to the movies afterword (a rare time out together).   I had planned to talk with her while we were out to tell her how much I appreciated how hard she had been trying that week.  That I had noticed and it meant a lot to me.

BUT, that was derailed when she came back from the T.  Announced that she was not going to see him anymore.  And that she didn't want to go to the movies with me.

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[WileyCoyote]

In the past with my caretaker tendencies I would have tried to drag what was happening out of her. Insist she tell me what happened, etc. ... .so that I could try and help her see it in a new light, or solve it for her altogether.  Contact the T myself to see what is going on... .Bleh 

This time I just said.  "OK,  do you want to talk about it?"
Her response to that was to try to suck me into a conflict about "now I want to talk to her?... ." which morphed into another trap when I addressed that.  At this point I said, "I hope you feel like you can talk to me about this later. Right now I think the upset feelings won't let us have a good conversation."  I then went upstairs.

She then proceeded to dissociate into a Netflix marathon for a day. 

This morning I got ready for work.  Got our son ready for daycare. 
At times like this she will usually avoid me and walk around the other end of her car to get in as I put our son in the car.  Avoiding a chance at a sweet goodbye (kiss/hug) and internalizing that I don't want to do that... .etc... .shame... (we have talked about this).

THIS MORNING I sat in the driver seat heating up the car a little for our son (tiny bit chilly) and made a point to wait for her to come to get in before getting out.

I got out and smiled and spread my arms for a hug.  She fought smiling really hard.  I gave her a kiss good bye and said "let's make it a good day"

I think something good happened in therapy.  Bad as far as she sees it.  But good for the long term.  He struck a chord on something.  Something that she won't talk to me about, which means it is most likely true whatever it is.  I hope she goes back, but I have not argued with her about it, or begged her to go.  It's up to her.   Disappointed?  yes.  But this has nothing to do with my well being.  I'm still going and she knows it.

She did phrase it as "I don't want to see (T's Name) anymore"  so I am hoping that she just means this particular therapist.  But we will see.

[zachira]

Your wife does not want to continue to see her therapist. You tried to talk to her about this and she tried to turn it into another argument. You are setting good boundaries by not begging her to continue therapy.
Many therapists consider their BPD clients to be the most challenging because they go between loving their therapist to hating their therapist, and the therapist never really knows whether the client that loves them or hates them will be showing up for that day's session. A good therapist will contact a client that abruptly ends therapy as it is important to do proper termination when possible. I would definitely call her therapist and give him a heads up about what is going on, and maybe you can arrange a final session and get your wife to go. This teaches her that she will not always be abandoned by everybody in her life. She may go if you promise her she never has to go back, and if she does, she may decide to continue. Just some thoughts and I know it will be very hard to get her to do this.
I admire how you are doing everything you can to support your wife. There are many on this site who are dealing with similar problems to yours, so please keep us updated, and let us know how we can help.      

[WileyCoyote]

Zachira,
   Thanks for re framing this a little for me.   I like your suggestion about the final session option.
I will propose that to her after I see the T this weekend.  We see the same T and alternate weeks.

When I say alternate, I mean, she tries to go every other week   and if she doesn't then I go.  So I have gone more than her as a result.

Our T said he felt like he was getting close with her but he was still unsure of some sort of definitive diagnosis yet.  I feel that might change after this.    I think he challenged her on some things after realizing I was not some sort of charming narcissist myself.  We talked the week before about some things about my childhood I haven't talked to my wife about.

He keeps hinting that I have PTSD from my current relationship, but he is not saying it because I think he could see I didn't want to hear it yet.  The cognitive dissonance of loving someone who is hurting you is hard to digest.  Much like an abusive parent.

In reference to me he'll say "sometimes that happens when someone has experienced intense trauma"  or "That can happen with PTSD".  I just keep talking and don't ask.  I can see him smiling about this.    I am realizing it is true, just haven't talked with him about it directly.

Another thing:
I'm not sure the T is aware she doesn't want to return yet.  But I will see him this weekend and discuss.  Might email sooner. For all I know she will go to therapy the following week like she never said that.  You never know!

[zachira]

It sounds like the therapist is trying to improve your wife's all round functioning by working with you too, so she will have the support she needs. A biweekly session of therapy needs to be supported by changes in the home environment where the client spends most of their time and interacts with the people who provide safety, support, and love.
So many of us who post on this site are frustrated with our choices of BPD partners because we have suffered past abuse which oftentimes is diagnosed as PTSD, and leads to choosing people as partners that in some ways resemble our caretakers in childhood who did not role model how to have loving caring relationships. Accepting a diagnosis of PTSD, is hard because it may in fact not be correct, or indeed if it fits, it can mean facing a lot of past and present pain before starting to feel better.
Let us know how you are doing and we will in turn respond with compassion and caring.

[WileyCoyote]

Yeah, my T is a good one from what I can tell although the biweekly with the same T was my doing.  I searched down someone with a long experience with BPD type behavior and planned to go every week with the HOPE that she would start going biweekly.

I have no idea what happened at her session.  He could have very simply said he thought she should come more often than me.  Setting off, persecution, shame, etc.  So many possibilities, but none of that matters.

It is definitely frustrating to have picked a BPD type partner.  I have talked with my therapist about the irony of the whole thing.  Being raised in a dysfunctional family, and then being self aware enough to know I didn't want a relationship like that.  Seeking out a relationship full of love and acceptance. And so, when I met my wife, when the love bombing happened, I couldn't see anything else except that I had found someone that REALLY loved me.  In retrospect there were red flags but the excitement of finding someone who seemingly loved me unconditionally blinded me.  So in my effort to avoid a relationship like this, I somehow ended up right here.    

[WileyCoyote]

A big no from my wife on the final session.  She asked why I was pushing this T on her.  I said I wasn't and asked her to find someone else if she needed to.  She said she would.  We will see.

I am continuing and taking her session and will go back to weekly for myself.

[zachira]

A very healthy decision to not press her about going to therapy and to continue in therapy yourself. So many times we sabotage a person we want to help by wanting that person to get better more than they do, and we end up seeing a lot of resistance, and relapses. Part of therapy can be to address how much we care about this person and how it hurts when they do not accept our help and continue on a self destructive path.

[WileyCoyote]

Thanks for the support Zachira.

And I couldn't make those clear headed decisions and let her own her own choices if I wasn't in therapy myself.   

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How are things going?