Feeling paranoid

[Sitara]

So I stated before my uBPD mom has pretty much cut off contact since we moved and is trying to manipulate a relative for info.  My mom lied to this person saying I wasn't responding to her requests for our address, which she never made.  She finally realized that she wasn't going to get it from this person and sent me a text asking for it.  I responded a couple days later with a boundary and our address.  A few days later she stuck my dad in the middle and had him ask me both via email and facebook asking for my address.  When I told him I already sent it, he claimed that they never received anything.  I resent the text with notification on my end that the message was delivered, and I stated to him that I got verification, because, quite honestly, I don't believe she didn't get the text.  It's not abnormal for me to have to have irrefutable proof that I did what I said I did.

The packages arrived (purchased off Amazon), I signed for them and they have tracking numbers on the boxes, so I figured they would know I got them and I would just send a generic thank you after Christmas.  Then today, I get another message from my dad asking if we got the packages.

I feel like my mom is trying to manipulate the situation with what little room I've left her, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being crazy and paranoid, because from a normal person, it's completely possible that she didn't get the first text, and that despite signing and tracking numbers that she doesn't have package tracking.  It's reasonable enough that I can't just flat out say she's lying.  I'm tired of my dad being in the middle, but at the same time he's relaying the info like he helped and he wants the info for himself (but I know better).  I just don't know how to respond.  I'm tired of the games and I'm tired of nothing being simple.  Any suggestions as to how to respond?

[Dallben]

I think it depends on how tech savvy your parents are; my wife is pretty tech savvy, but generally has no idea when something she orders from amazon has or will be delivered... .usually I have to remind her how much information amazon generally has available for package status... .so - yeah, I'd say maybe let that one go unless there is some other sign.  As for the text... .a simple "yes, a thank you card is on its way to you" might suffice.

Then again, I'm hoping something doesn't show up here from my uBPDm, whom I have been NC with for the last 15 months.

[nevermore]

Dealing with them makes us feel like we are being paranoid. Boy of boy, do I understand your statement "I'm tired of nothing being simple."  I say that almost every day regarding my NBPD mother.

[Sitara]

I think it depends on how tech savvy your parents are;

My mom is not at all, however my dad is very good with tech stuff.  So I realize it's possible that she didn't know how to work her phone or didn't realize she had package tracking.  The part I find most irritating though, is it is quite possible she (unwilling to admit she doesn't know everything about everything) just told my dad to contact me because I'm "not responding and she's scared of me" and he's just jumping to do her bidding.  The packages arrived just 12 hours prior to getting asked if they came.  Do other people find their pwBPD needs to know things right now?

Then again, I'm hoping something doesn't show up here from my uBPDm, whom I have been NC with for the last 15 months.

This is kind of a test run to see if VLC is possible with them long distance.  It's basically just presents for the kids and only the kids, which has been made very clear.

It's just bothering me because she's managed to push several of my triggers at once: not dealing with things herself, needing immediate action (but don't expect the same in return), and reminding me that I'm not worthy of her love, just my kids.  I realize that she can't deal because she's sick, and I can't control how my dad responds to the situation.  And maybe someday, I'll get over the whole not having the mom I want/need thing, but that day is not today.  This is just hard, but I don't have to tell you guys that.  Thanks for listening.

[Dallben]

Do other people find their pwBPD needs to know things right now?

Absolutely.  It's quite obnoxious sometimes.

[Botswana Agate]

Do other people find their pwBPD needs to know things right now?

Oh HECK yes.  It took me some time to stop responding to her calls to "come over right away", "call back right away", "do (whatever) as soon as possible" for her, but once I did, I realized that NO, she isn't going to spontaneously combust if I didn't heed her beck and call. . . and neither would I.  I was a person with my own husband, family and life, and I did NOT have to say "how high?" whenever she said "jump!", including her requests to know things.  The biggest thing was when she asked for the gender of my firstborn (I knew, no one else was going to know until the birth).  She thought she could keep hounding even at church, but when I told her point-blank in church NO to her face, she sulked off and pouted.  It was a triumphant moment. 

[Sdmfoster]

Sitara, is it possible to get a cellphone / mailbox just for messages / packages from your BPD? That way, your life is your own - no rude surprises coming in on your regualr phone or in your regular mailbox. And when you feel strong enough to deal with her "stuff", you can gear up, turn on the extra phone or go to the extra mailbox, and deal. That also kills another bird with that stone - she doesn't get your attention when she decides she wants it - she gets it when YOU decide you're ready to give it to her.

We find this helpful with some of the families of origin of foster children in our home. It helps the kids feel safer, and all of us BPD survivors still have that little person who needs to feel safe, somewhere inside!

 Have a Merry and drama-free Christmas!  

[Sitara]

Sitara, is it possible to get a cellphone / mailbox just for messages / packages from your BPD?

I haven't felt anything like this necessary.  I've already stopped responding to her the second she demands a response and allow myself some time (usually a couple days) to think of how I want to respond.  We moved a few months ago, and she made no attempts to contact me until the holidays rolled around.  Her way of dealing with feeling like she's being abandoned is kind of a "I'll hurt you before you can hurt me method."  We moved, in her mind obviously to escape our family, so she's going to hurt me by ignoring me, abandoning me first.  She contacts for holidays because if I don't return the gesture, she can use that as fuel as to why I'm the bad person.  She's done it before. 

Before we left we had a giant fight.  She spewed hateful things at me and listed off all the reasons why I'm bad.  I asked her what she wanted from me - and she couldn't give me an answer.  As this is not the first time she's been unable to answer, I was very clear with her as to what I needed in order to have a relationship - she figures out what she wants from me, and she contacts me to have a conversation about it.  That was over half a year ago and I have yet to hear anything from her regarding it.  I know I'll never receive that call. 

So basically right now I feel like I'm in limbo.  I'm using this next year to determine what relationship I want with her for myself and my kids based of my feelings and her actions.  I have to tie up loose ends before I completely cut ties if that is what I decide (we stupidly borrowed money and we still owe her some).  We plan on moving when our lease is up, and if we don't want my parents in our life anymore, they won't have our new address.  If I tell her I want to end our relationship, she'll be so hurt that I doubt I'll ever hear from her again.  She likes to take her punishments to the extreme. 

[Botswana Agate]

Sitara, you bring up a really good point when you said:  What do I want in a relationship with my pwBPD?  I'm in that exact same spot now.

Thing is, what would I tell her? (uBPD mom) I could tell her no more phone games [when I'd call, she'd only give one word answers like you were interrupting her, and then when asked if she was being interrupted, she'd say "no"; it was all in her tone] but she'd NEVER acknowledge it, play stupid or justify her behaviour in some way; I could tell her no more boundary stomps with my kids [but then I'd have to JADE {justify, argue, defend and explain} and give examples, which she "wouldn't remember"]; I could demand that her therapist give us kids an open chart to see exactly WHAT is being discussed in her therapy (which she says she's been getting for "years", and she'd NEVER agree to that.  So really, what do I really want in a relationship going forward?

I have no idea.  Sitara, you really got me thinking here.