A letter to her on why I cannot recycle anymore

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello there!

I'm in so much pain. I've been recycled so many times these seven years, I've lost count. A few weeks ago it ended AGAIN, after a short month of - at first - a lot of fun and words about change and love, and - after that - lots of arguments about god knows what and a final discard where my personality and my core being was dragged through the mud.

Now I'm slowly trying to heal myself again, for the 20th time or who knows how much. It hurts like hell but its to be expected. Usually there are some months (about 4 or 5) between recycles but yesterday she unblocked me everywhere and it turned my thoughts upside down again. Often it is a precursor for a recycle. So I blocked her myself, so that I wouldn't be able to look on the phone all the time, waiting or perhaps even praying for a kind word. A kind word from someone that told me to hang myself, told me I achieved nothing in life and that I was a big child just a few weeks ago.

Instead of waiting for her reply, I blocked her. And I wrote this message that I will never send. Because I can't expect her to understand this, it'll just be fuel to the fire, she'll just pick the bad things out of it and I'll be painted black again. So I'm posting it here, because I need to get it off my chest, because the pain sometimes is almost unbearable. I've written it as a reply to a new attempt to a recycle. Who knows if it will ever come. All I know is I can't go back, not again.

Note: the original message was in my country's language, I've translated it for here. Thanks for reading, you don't have to reply if you don't want to, I just wanted to get this off my chest and its better to post it here than send it to her.


Hey,

I love you so much and that will always remain. Without you I feel this gaping hole inside my life. I wanted to believe so badly in a way for us to get back together again, to do fun stuff together and to work together on future. I also wanted to surprise you just before the discard with all sorts of fun stuff to do and I had even written a text that I wanted to read to you on that day about the love I felt for you. Sometimes I wonder if you really ever realised how much I care about you and love you. I've always found you the most attractive person there is, and still do.

But each time its just for a little while, a few weeks of fun, then things start to go south. Then there are arguments about nothing and it seems you don't want to spend time with me as often as in the beginning. If I want to talk about that, all hell breaks loose and I get to hear the worst things. Then the contact stops again and I have to live weeks and months without you.

I just can't take it anymore. Every time I have to process it anew, give up the hope of the thought that we were meant together. It is bad for my health, for my concentration, for my life. In those times I wonder: if someone is as crazy about me as I am about her, would that someone really be able to go months without me? Start another relationship and pretent to be happy with it but in the meantime reach out to me, to dissapear again afterwards? If two people really love each other that much, it can't be right that I'm so miserable most of the time.

This has happened so many times the past few years. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now. It is nothing short of devastating, because the one thing I want most is to be with you my entire life, to be happy together. But it's just not possible. Again and again it fails. And its taking its toll on me. I have to grow up, as you so often told me yourself, and choose for myself, and for someone that will make me happy, someone who puts as much effort, time and love in me as I in her. Even now I would love nothing more than for you to prove that you are the one, but I just can't keep falling for it. I can't go through the pain of getting back together and then losing you again. I've been through it too often now and each time I'm left behind a bit more broken.

[CloseToFreedom]

Hello there!

I'm in so much pain. I've been recycled so many times these seven years, I've lost count. A few weeks ago it ended AGAIN, after a short month of - at first - a lot of fun and words about change and love, and - after that - lots of arguments about god knows what and a final discard where my personality and my core being was dragged through the mud.

Now I'm slowly trying to heal myself again, for the 20th time or who knows how much. It hurts like hell but its to be expected. Usually there are some months (about 4 or 5) between recycles but yesterday she unblocked me everywhere and it turned my thoughts upside down again. Often it is a precursor for a recycle. So I blocked her myself, so that I wouldn't be able to look on the phone all the time, waiting or perhaps even praying for a kind word. A kind word from someone that told me to hang myself, told me I achieved nothing in life and that I was a big child just a few weeks ago.

Instead of waiting for her reply, I blocked her. And I wrote this message that I will never send. Because I can't expect her to understand this, it'll just be fuel to the fire, she'll just pick the bad things out of it and I'll be painted black again. So I'm posting it here, because I need to get it off my chest, because the pain sometimes is almost unbearable. I've written it as a reply to a new attempt to a recycle. Who knows if it will ever come. All I know is I can't go back, not again.

Note: the original message was in my country's language, I've translated it for here. Thanks for reading, you don't have to reply if you don't want to, I just wanted to get this off my chest and its better to post it here than send it to her.


Hey,

I love you so much and that will always remain. Without you I feel this gaping hole inside my life. I wanted to believe so badly in a way for us to get back together again, to do fun stuff together and to work together on future. I also wanted to surprise you just before the discard with all sorts of fun stuff to do and I had even written a text that I wanted to read to you on that day about the love I felt for you. Sometimes I wonder if you really ever realised how much I care about you and love you. I've always found you the most attractive person there is, and still do.

But each time its just for a little while, a few weeks of fun, then things start to go south. Then there are arguments about nothing and it seems you don't want to spend time with me as often as in the beginning. If I want to talk about that, all hell breaks loose and I get to hear the worst things. Then the contact stops again and I have to live weeks and months without you.

I just can't take it anymore. Every time I have to process it anew, give up the hope of the thought that we were meant together. It is bad for my health, for my concentration, for my life. In those times I wonder: if someone is as crazy about me as I am about her, would that someone really be able to go months without me? Start another relationship and pretent to be happy with it but in the meantime reach out to me, to dissapear again afterwards? If two people really love each other that much, it can't be right that I'm so miserable most of the time.

This has happened so many times the past few years. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now. It is nothing short of devastating, because the one thing I want most is to be with you my entire life, to be happy together. But it's just not possible. Again and again it fails. And its taking its toll on me. I have to grow up, as you so often told me yourself, and choose for myself, and for someone that will make me happy, someone who puts as much effort, time and love in me as I in her. Even now I would love nothing more than for you to prove that you are the one, but I just can't keep falling for it. I can't go through the pain of getting back together and then losing you again. I've been through it too often now and each time I'm left behind a bit more broken.

[Kelli Cornett]

 I'm so with you Freedom. This made me cry.

Good luck on your healing. I'm in the same boat. 1 day NC. Fear of them reaching out, trying to not think about it.

[Mutt]

It is bad for my health, for my concentration, for my life. In those times I wonder: if someone is as crazy about me as I am about her, would that someone really be able to go months without me?

You have a really good point there. Remember that she's bad news for you and don't be hard on yourself because you recycled more than once, many of us here have. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now, it sounds like you're at your limit and you want something more. You want to give all of the love that you have to someone else and you want the same thing from her.

You have a right to be happy. I like your username "CloseToFreedom" I see growth in your letter, you've chosen to move on and move away from something that isn't supporting you in a positive way to something that will make you feel like you matter to them, they care deeply about you and maybe you can see yourself grow old with them. Keep moving forward and hang in there.

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm so with you Freedom. This made me cry.

Good luck on your healing. I'm in the same boat. 1 day NC. Fear of them reaching out, trying to not think about it.

Thank you. Good luck to you too. 1 day NC is very little, so you have a long road ahead of you. If you fear that they will reach out, you can block him everywhere. Or is it that you maybe still hold hope they do, and you fear that you will fall for it once again? No need to be ashamed about that, I can relate.

You have a really good point there. Remember that she's bad news for you and don't be hard on yourself because you recycled more than once, many of us here have. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now, it sounds like you're at your limit and you want something more. You want to give all of the love that you have to someone else and you want the same thing from her.

You have a right to be happy. I like your username "CloseToFreedom" I see growth in your letter, you've chosen to move on and move away from something that isn't supporting you in a positive way to something that will make you feel like you matter to them, they care deeply about you and maybe you can see yourself grow old with them. Keep moving forward and hang in there.

Thanks Mutt. I do hope to someday find someone that cares as much about me as I about her. Its still difficult to really seperate the reality from the fantasy, thinking she is the one, etcetera. But she can't be the one: 'the one' wouldn't treat me like this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CloseToFreedom, That letter strikes me as a positive sign that you are making progress, towards the Freedom referenced in your username.  As Mutt notes, many of us (including me) have recycled many times.  Each recycle tends to end the same way as the previous one, except with more pain.  Yet you seem ready to break the cycle, which I find encouraging.  Yes, you deserve better, a partner as passionate and committed as you.  No, she wasn't "the one," despite all appearances to the contrary!  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years, but I can see now that she wasn't "the one" for me, either!

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

Hi CloseToFreedom,

I want to commend you on deciding not to send the letter.  This shows growth in itself and a clear awareness of the dynamic that has been at play.  Making this choice is very hard (trust me I know) yet stepping away from the drama consciously in this way is the way forward for you and in time you will feel empowered by this decision.  Especially when you begin to find that the no longer waiting for her next move and no longer working towards something unsustainable is having a positive effect on you.  I wish you well in your journey to detachment and moving on in time.  It is a bumpy road still and we will be here the whole way with you, so use that to your best advantage.  Well done for reaching this point.  It takes real strength to step away.

Love and light x 

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you all!

I have recieved a vile text message a few days ago where Im made out to be the unstable one, someone with issues, that she cares for me still but can never love me again, and a whole list of things I've done wrong in her eyes. She even said that she wanted to fully commit to me last month but that I pushed her away. This is all so wrong, I don't recognise myself in her description at all and I certainly didn't want to push her away, I wanted to spend more time with her! After all these accussasions I decided to block her. I need to choose for myself.

But its hard. Even though I know its for the best I keep thinking about if and when she might try again, because that has happened so often the past years. And I know that when that moment comes, I have to be strong and resist it. THat will be the day I truly choose for myself.

Is anyone able to give tips to get stronger and to really close this chapter for good? Its been seven years, enough is enough.

[once removed]

Is anyone able to give tips to get stronger and to really close this chapter for good?

dig deeper into yourself with us on the Learning board. its a good place to do it 

[CloseToFreedom]

I will.

We've both blocked each other everywhere, its better that way. After a few days no contact, boom, friend request from her on my game console (didnt block her there as she didn't have a console, she must've bought it). I just don't understand why someone would do that after painting me black. Its just insane. Deleted it and blocked it.

[limetaste]

You have become codependent and the recycling-bull___ has left you feeling empty without your exBPS. We all go through this, even in a relationship with a normal person, certainly if he/she left you. We hope that person comes back. In your case it has happened many times leaving you left with hopes and dreams it will be forever NEXT time.

I can get it that 1 recycle could be tolerably, if the BPS indeed understood his/her dysfunctional brain, and wanted to to get therapy and acctually did put in time for it. Also couple-therapy would be a must. You CAN live a happy life with a BPS but you need to be extremly focused on what's going on and how to deal with him/her when outbursts happen, they always will. The BPS also need to understand ho he/she works and WHY. This almost never happens.

Back in my days I've read ___ story reports that BPS grew away at the age of 26. It won't, the BPS will only be better at controlling their emotions. When ___ hits the fan splitting-bevaviour will be a factor.

Like I said, recycle, 1 time would be the first and last time for me. Try going NC (which could trigger the BPS anymore to contact you, you're believing now you want this, but you don't trust me) then I would suggest trying to meet other partners, maybe just for sex.

Took me many years of heavy drinking to come over exBPS from when I were younger, I have a kid with that person. What I regret of those years is that I never went to get professional help, therapy, medication, what so ever. Now I'm in this ___ again, with a new one, over 10 years later. I believe these type of BPS-persons sees qualities in us they don't see in their "one night stand-rebounds". Maybe we stick out from the rest. We are warm, caring and rational. This is exactly the opposite of the BPS upbringing childhood. We are their soulmates, but their "splitting" and going black and white is what messes things up.

Be glad you don't have a kid with your exBPS. I promise you, it was some ___ed up times back in the days.

[CloseToFreedom]

Absolutely, limetaste, I know all of this. And I've made huge steps in the past couple of years to become stronger to resist potential recycles - new (sex) partners, therapy, a more mature outlook in life, hobby's and a good social life, you name it. And still, I've fallen for it quite a few times. Like I said, I'm trying to make myself strong enough to never fall for it again. Because each recyle is a repeat of the relationship, but then at breakneck speed. Years condensed in a few weeks / one month. A few weeks of honeymoond, then the devaluation, the the discard, then the painting black. Silence, no contact from both sides, and a few months later, hey presto! She finds a way to contact me again and the cycle starts anew. I don't want it anymore. Its taking years off my life, both in the literally sense as in the way it hurts my soul and body, it causes stress and unhealthy living. No one wins with this, not even her.

[limetaste]

Absolutely, limetaste, I know all of this. And I've made huge steps in the past couple of years to become stronger to resist potential recycles - new (sex) partners, therapy, a more mature outlook in life, hobby's and a good social life, you name it. And still, I've fallen for it quite a few times. Like I said, I'm trying to make myself strong enough to never fall for it again. Because each recyle is a repeat of the relationship, but then at breakneck speed. Years condensed in a few weeks / one month. A few weeks of honeymoond, then the devaluation, the the discard, then the painting black. Silence, no contact from both sides, and a few months later, hey presto! She finds a way to contact me again and the cycle starts anew. I don't want it anymore. Its taking years off my life, both in the literally sense as in the way it hurts my soul and body, it causes stress and unhealthy living. No one wins with this, not even her.

In my case from my first encounter with a BPS (the one that forced me into being a father) I didn't knew jack s*hit about personality disorders. Knewn her for 3 months and I got her pregnant, well I've could've used a condom and protected myself, so the blame is on me. Talks about abortion made her crazy, I remember one episode she went to the kitchen to get a knife, then tried to stick it up her vag*na. What I'm trying to say is that you have to see the positive outcome of this, you don't have a kid with yours.

Heavy drinking never really helped, but at some point of time I've came to hate her instead of wanting her back, this helped me a lot. And believe me, you're going to hate your exBPS when you've done with her and can look back at things clearly.

Pursuing a new relationship, to fill the void how the exBPS made you feel is extremly hard. It's HARD to appreciate a normal and calm (boring?) relationship after being in a BPS-relationship. That passion and how our partners unlimited love against us made us feel is rare. It's because we've been brainwashed after our BPS-relationship. That love and passion isn't about fighting and getting back together, living a dream-life for some weeks, than go back to the same crazy splitting again. We NEED and MUST analyze ourselves in this, why are we needy after this... .

We've become self destructive in the progress.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes, that is exactly a problem I have often faced the past couple of years - the lack of 'intensity' when dating someone else. I know that is healthy - the lovebombing was a part of the unhealthy bond created between me and my exBPD. Healthy relationships take time to develop. But its very difficult for me to hold attention for long with a 'normal' woman.

That is the part that has been broken by the toxic relationship I was in, or perhaps it was broken before that. That is the part that needs to get healthy. I am 33 years old, I hope I will find a way in this lifetime.

[limetaste]

Yes, that is exactly a problem I have often faced the past couple of years - the lack of 'intensity' when dating someone else. I know that is healthy - the lovebombing was a part of the unhealthy bond created between me and my exBPD. Healthy relationships take time to develop. But its very difficult for me to hold attention for long with a 'normal' woman.

That is the part that has been broken by the toxic relationship I was in, or perhaps it was broken before that. That is the part that needs to get healthy. I am 33 years old, I hope I will find a way in this lifetime.

Remember also, you're blocking out all the negative situations with your exBPS, because when you're into that good thing, all those bad things doesn't matter then. That's how your brain works now, you're brainwashed and you need to understand this. You're succumbed to the feeling that exBPS is the right one and noone else can enter your zone for true love while he/she is in it.

I'm in this right now, so I know how it works, also been trough it before. The only thing that really worked was to find a new one, to replace the void of love our exBPS showed us. And that's funny, we have become more and more like our exBPS in how the brain works in then it comes to feeling happiness and love. The destruction our exBPS left us with has made us feel lonely and empty.

NC in your case is a must. You have been recycled too many times. You can't move on as long as your exBPS keeps contacting you unless you find a new love. And finding a new love isn't easy, you know this. I've been experiencing recycle-tryings from many ex-partners, and at that time I've often (almost always) found a new love in my life to focus on. It's god damn great to be in that position (to not give damn), and I hope you will experience it soon too.