Hi all.
There is a family member on my partners fathers side who we have never met. He is so vile he was not allowed in my partners house growing up, until his mother died- or so the family legend goes!!! My partners comes from dysfunctional family. When I lived with them briefly it was strikingly like my own family.
His father is very covert in that seems pleasant enough. Stroppy just below the surface. Belligerent selfish defiant if anything goes wrong- he says he'll do something but won't. You feel like you need to ask him not to do a thing and he will. This is in relation to his own healthcare.  He in his 80s.
Enter his brother (70s)whose relationship has fallen through and decided to move in with my partners dad a few weeks ago. The house is in a terrible state partners dad having falls.
We get a call from partners dad that we need to come urgently so we go- 8 hours travelling.
The uncle gives us a tirade of problems- mostly his own. no one is actually dying or at immeadiate risk.
So I roll my sleeves up to help with tidying in kitchen. Uncle has a melt down splits and has a little psychotic 'burp'. Puts his hands over his ears and says 'stop saying these crazy things' but I wasn't talking!! My sisters do that - so does my partner. Auditory hallucinations! I learnt through work-  just keep quiet and it will pass- hopefully. Any room in the house but not in kitchen! My personal rule!!
He calms down I give up on cleaning. Try a different strategy. Getting a cleaner in! Use L.E.T. from 'I hate you Don't leave me' I tell my partner who has fled the scene at the time.
The house has a full cm of dust on everything apart from 1 book in his dad's bed room. How to deal with a bully! So sad.
He wants his brother to move in to look after him!!!! And he has been looking for soluions through self help. His brother had meltdown in doctors office hes just looking to live rent free till he sells his house.
I suggest to my partner i'll stay and help social sevices get urgent support in. - he splits has a little psychotic burp. So i end up travelling 8 hours home! Cos partner wants to go to work and he wants me to  travel with him. Not cool!! I have several health conditions i can't drive for  8 hours!I've been in bed with a roaring fever. We both needed the extra day! He's superbusy at work,not coping with stress! Has massve work insecurity but boss is really nice!
 His Last night his dad was shouting and clinically confused his brother called  emergency service cos he needs his sleep! He was up for 4 hours shouting down the phone! Couldn't do anything anyway no urgent medical need.
His dad is basically not allowed to move out of his chair.  And his usually self soothing behaviors like getting up watching TV, listening to music on radio annoys his brother. He loves to cook bit mostly eat! Refreshing In 82 Yr old. But brother wot have it! Needs total control. My partner has undiagnosed BPD. When I was diagnosed with MS my partner wouldn't belive me he said he thought had MS.!? After 2 years I dragged into neurologist office to see my scans! Even then he needed to see my name date of birth on scan to believe it.
A similar thing is happening with his dad. Between him and his uncle his dad's health is gonna be difficult for them to accept. He may have dementia but it's muddied by BPD (or similar) mental health. Rule out the physical before jumping to conclusions hopefully
Maybe I can help maybe I can't.
I'll try and get involved when social services assess.
I wish they could put mental health service in but no one is seeking it. Just to diffuse. Give dad a bit of support.
I know I'm not the only person on here dealing with this! I don't now how you do it. Hats off to you all.

I faced numerous allegations, each one a bit more serious than the prior.  It seemed CPS looked at each one and closed them without any documentation given to me.  One where I was questioned - and my kid in kindergarten was interviewed at school - I asked for a written report.  The report said "unsubstantiated".  That was quite wimpy, but to be expected.  "Unfounded" apparently is rare, I guess because they seldom declare a person innocent.  Back then I used to have a jaded joke, that on the 101st allegation they might find something on me.  My point being that they declined to give consequences to my ex.  Here's what happened later when I decided it was  time to file for a Change of Circumstances and sought full custody (which I got) and majority time (which I didn't get until a couple years later after more disparagement).

Have you ever taken drugs?  Or had a night on the town with too much alcohol?

If you have, then you may remember the occasion differently than others around you.  So when you say, "That didn't happen," when reminded of those events, are you lying?

That's sort of where your wife is coming from as well.  She remembers things from her disassociated viewpoint where she's filled in many of the blanks to make things make sense.  That's BPD, in a nutshell.

Stay strong!

My xH uBPD would call me a fat pig. What is it with the BPD and their vitriol. Disgusting

You are none of those things so do not let his words get to you. Start doing affirmations!

Hi harmoniasdream and

So which part of your situation are you uncertain about how to handle?


Are you trying to gain some insight into how your family history may have impacted how/who you select in courtship dynamics? I also grew up with multiple cluster b cases, which seriously impacted who I ended up dating seriously for many years.


Or are you trying to re-consider the current attachment you have with this man? 

Do you consider someone who behaves “abusive[ly]” towards you, who threatens to choke you, who you do not trust with your privacy, who is “controlling,” are none of these behaviors deal-breakers?

Would you overlook all of theses qualities, as long as he demonstrates a stronger commitment towards you by leaving his wife, go into therapy for a couple of years?  Or did you actually mean that you realize that he’s not available to you in a way that you require him to be (emotionally) available, and so you are no longer interested in him. 

But if you are no longer interested in him, how are you uncertain about what to do?


Then again, having this kind of curiosity doesn’t sound like you want to disengage from him.  And you only ended up finding things out that re-invigorates your engagement to him.


… My intuition tells me that what you may end up choosing to do, has more to do with how everyone else behaves/reacts (esp, your pwBPD) and not so much what you want for yourself.

For example, you might choose to keep your head low, stay out of workplace drama (try dating outside of your workplace?) and just keep your job for now until you can find a better situation.  Is that what you want to do?  Or will that change the minute your pwBPD engages you in a manner that prevents you from behaving as you choose?

Not that I would judge you.  I’ve been in BPD relationships where intellectually I understood that I should do everything I can to stay disengaged, but the minute my BPDgf made herself available to me, I would forget all my prior decisions and choose the fleeting respite.  Because if I had to choose between pain and fleeting happiness, I would choose the latter even if that supposed respite turns out to be the same reason for my pain.

I would however, suggest that you take the pain now if it allows you to exit this excruciating dance, because eventually it will lead to enough pain that you may not have a choice in the future.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Hey Outdorenthusiast;

So the general timeline is -- married 26 years (24 of which she wasn't getting help?), you started getting help 3 years ago, she started getting help 2 years ago, 4 months ago she stepped up her efforts a bit more? Is that basically it?

I'm curious about why the feeling of a defensive stance is permanent (vs "for now")?

You both didn't get here overnight -- I guess it isn't surprising to me that after 23 years of nobody getting help, and "only" 2 years of her getting help, you might still feel "braced". It is a relatively short time of improvement compared to the rest of your relationship.

Of course, if you know you know, so if there is more backstory to why it's feeling permanent, that's legit.

I think I'm raisin the question of if you can accept feeling "braced" for now and accept that you may be able to have a different feeling relationship in the future?

Just some food for thought (from someone who went through 3 pretty hard years of marriage in 11 years - though to be fair, my H does not have BPD).

I am trying to look forward to the future and find solutions without going bankrupt or losing my mind.

Ex-wife hasn't been compromising for 5 years. After years of shared custody, there's now evidence of a long-standing path of destruction and non-compliance to the divorce settlement where it comes to parenting (we basically parallel parent, and even that is now defunct). I know this comes with splitting, and the all-or-nothing.

But it started with other non-parenting things in the settlement agreement. I made the mistake of stating that I was going to get some legal advice for that small stuff. It's the only way to get my ex-wife to interpret orders correctly. Basically, to enforce.

Before that could happen, her first two emergency orders came, back to back, and suddenly I needed an attorney again to get back to 50/50 custody.

Then as I was fighting for those, she gives us deadlines and attitude, and eventually files another two emergency orders. Those weren't emergencies at all. They were for basic parenting things that previously were no problem out of court and cost nothing to agree to previously. But with her emergency orders in effect, apparently everything is now an emergency and now basic things cost tons of attorney and court fees.

Here's my beef, and it's not just about her. How can the system be abused so easily for so long? It all gets rubber stamped. Slap on the wrist. Like, 4 times now. What happened to three strikes and you're out? I know, it's a very slow process. That's probably why I am having to practice extreme patience. The kids' safety has literally been an issue and they get neglected, which has been the more urgent thing I've been trying to address for them. Nobody is of much help on those things (the actually important things, the kids' basic safety and well-being).

Anyway, given the escalation, there is literally no compromising and I wonder where this goes years from now, because others here have more experience. Outside of orders, her communications are literally "You will agree to this or not, there are no conditions and no room to negotiate, and if you don't agree with me 100% I am going to file another emergency order."

I think some of this will all stop, once the judge finally catches on and actually does something. But what can help provide relief and prevent this from just looping? It's taking forever to go on any semblance of offense, it's all defense and costly, with very few consequences so far.

This! The internalization of the abusers voice. Trust of someone you love. I bet you'll find many here with whom that resonates. It's been a major challenge for me to get her critical and judgmental voice out of my head.

And like Kells said......the truth does not matter, it's the outcome they often are going for, or simply manipulation of the truth to maintain a self view.

Yes, I am wanting to go NC after moving his stuff. Especially after the torrent of acid he txt today. He hopes I never find happiness, hopes I die alone, asking if I named the baby I aborted when I was 16, called me selfish arrogant pig B!tch. Told me I'm damned and he will ensure it stays that way. He took it to a whole new level of poison today. That his new life purpose is to show me the hell I deserve. He's really gone off the deep end of bat sh!t crazy. This is the consequence of giving him total rejection of not txting or answering his calls and telling him the relationship is over and I'm done.  This is really bad.

Side note, Lexipro takes a good 4-6 weeks to fully balance out in someone's system.  So have patience, young grasshopper!

You're doing everything right and you have the right focus here.  Now it's time to "Let go and let God..."  Keep praying, keep being encouraging, and get into your small groups at church (do Catholics have that?  I think they do).  Let others hold you accountable as you hold them accountable- it works wonders.

The good news is that you are seeing positive signals- the alcohol is decreasing.  She is on meds.  Positive is positive, no matter how large or small.  God is working.