Sister with BPD first post

[paperchain]

Hello first timer here. My married with kids sister has BPD.
And honestly I really angry and pissed off. I intellectually  it's not her fault and from what I've read about it so far she's not exhibiting near the worst behaviors ie no cutting, drinking, drugs, sex etc. She does mention suicide but says she won't do it and doesn't threaten it in a grandiose way.

All my family live reasonably near each other and I am studying (35 yrs old) in a different city further away. It's the selfish behavior that makes me cross and the constant everything being about her. My parents are older and I'm pissed that they are spending their retirement babysitting her children and tidying her house (not all the time but oftern). She is also super rude to our other sister and my parents often side with the BPD.

If you call her on the phone she often just wants to talk about how bad her life is. She sees herself as having a awful hard life even though it's actually pretty comfortable (bar the BPD obviously). For example she frequently complains about not having any money but also goes on holiday 5 times a year and shops a lot (thrift / second hand stores). It feels like nearly every conversation is about her mental health and how everything effects her. Her husband is a lovely caring man that works full time and does a lot around the house too and she is nothing but rude to him and threatens to leave him.

An example that has really pissed me off is that my parents are having a special birthday this year and me and my non BPD sister have organised a holiday as a gift and a birthday meal. We tried to involve her but she wasn't interested, we told her that she could just add a very small amount of money £10 ($15 usd) and then we can all say we paid for it together but she just says she doesn't understand how we afford everything and what about her children and avoids it. We are also having a small birthday meal next week for our parents to give them the gift and despite us giving her 3 weeks notice she is saying she might not come becuase of her mental health. I said she doesn't have to do anything for  the meal just turn up but she acted so morose and I understand for BPD that plans are difficult but my parents are carers towards her. They have done so, so, so much. Money, endless babysitting, cleaning, cooking everything and she is not giving any money or saying her health is too bad for the meal. For the record I don't care at all about the money it doesn't make any difference it is just the thought and making it from all of us, we will say it's from all of us regardless of if she gives and money it's the principle. Also saying she can't attend the meal or will attend but without the kids and husband will be such a shame for my parents we are a small family so it's obvious if people aren't there and for everything they have done for her over the last 10 years she how selfish this is.

Sorry for the long rant.

For the record I have had addiction problems (recovered 7 years) in the past and had depression too. my sister hadn't told my parents about the diagnosis which I think she has had for a long time now but I thought they knew. It is all becoming too much now so I did some reading (walking on eggshells and internet sites) and sent my parents 2 books about BPD, my non-BPD sister has called them to tell them she has got this diagnosis and they have started to read. I think they are also going to go to the doctor to find out more.

I think the main issue I have is that everything has to be about her and revolve around.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you are reaching out for support and made your first post here.  You will find that you are now with a group of people who understand and are going through similar struggles, especially with how everything seems to revolve around the pwBPD (person with BPD).

I know how frustrating it is when they make everything about them and can't see beyond their own emotions.  It is hard to feel invisible and/or watch them ignore those who have supported them, like your parents.  It is, unfortunately, how things are.  pwBPD do have empathy but the way they express it often goes haywire.  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation so a lot of the emotions that are too intense to handle get turned into something else or are buried.  It can be painful and bewildering to be on the receiving end of this.

BTW, congrats on the 7 years of recovery!     I hope you settle in here and get comfortable.  As I said above you are not alone as many of us can relate to the issues you are dealing with.  So please read and jump in and start posting.  We all learn for each other and the more voices we have the better it is.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having a sister with BPD who is totally self absorbed. I too have a sister with BPD (along with a brother and a mother with BPD), and a wonderful BIL who puts up with all my sister's self centered behaviors and frequent rages blaming others for her problems and never giving credit to anyone for all they do for her. I am sure that you would never put up with having a friend treat you the way your sister does. It is a tough situation, and it is key to not let her bad behaviors overwhelm you as much as possible, as she is unlikely to change. It can help to limit contact, and just get away when a person with BPD is acting badly and it becomes too much to bear. Do take a look at the tools on this site, read other members' posts, and let us know how we can be the most helpful. There are many people who have posted here, and have learned ways to lessen the negative impact on them (both in the moment and long term) of the person in their family with BPD.

[Bigsismarie]

I just wanted to reach out and say, I understand. I too have a sister with (undiagnosed) BPD - it is hurtful, frustrating, and also causes me to feel angry a lot. You're not alone.

[Pina colada]

Hi and hugs.  I also have a sister with BPD and many NPD traits whom is evil to the core.  It has been a rough road but my journey is over as we are NC for over a year.  I am sorry you are dealing with the drama.  They have a problem for every solution and most assuredly make everything about themselves.  Sending you good thoughts and keep posting!