enDad died, funeral on Wednesday. Any thoughts on potential uBPDmum reactions?

[applewood321]

I used to post here a while ago (uBPD mother and enDad), but things simmered down and I'm having therapy, so I've kind of been doing okay.

Then enDad got ill and died (pulmonary fibrosis) in the space of a few months. My mother's reasonably healthy despite being 76, and completely compos, and is actually perfectly capable of sorting out the estate, especially with the helpers she's enlisted using waifery skillz. In the past she's flipped between waif/hermit and witch as necessary to get her abandonment needs met, but my dad's death has obviously changed the 'pieces' in play (me, my NC sister, her wary but sympathetic sister, my dad's sister), so I'm bracing myself for the way she can always come up with something completely unexpected from left field.

Any experience/predictions on what I might be in for?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back though I am so sorry for what brings you here.  How are you doing?  The death of a parent is quite upsetting and dealing with your own feelings is important.  I know, I just said the obvious... .but it really is that important.   What was your relationship with him like?

Regarding what you can expect from your mother, that is hard to answer.  I would say that if her tendency is to resort to waifish and hermit like behaviors with a bit of witch in there, that is what you can expect but perhaps with more frequency.  Stress can bring out some difficult behaviors in anyone not just disordered people.

My endad survived my mother so I do not have more specific advice.  How has your relationship been with your mom now that you are in therapy?  How are you with boundaries?  Have you ben able to separate yourself emotionally from her and her behaviors and words towards you and others?

I think the above will be vital to help you cope with her as you all go through this very difficult time.  Even if you are somewhat separate from her, there will be some interactions that you will need to use these skills in addition to communication strategies.  Are you familiar with any?

I am glad you reached out to us here.  We can help support you and just listen when needed. 

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your father.

If I could recall the most shocking thing about my mother's behavior is that she didn't show any sadness or grief in the typical way. I can't say she didn't feel any- she may have - but since pwBPD don't manage uncomfortable feelings well, she expressed it in different ways- mostly anger and raging.

Don't expect any sympathy or consideration for your feelings. If I said anything to my mother along the lines of "I lost my father" the reply was "I lost a husband". It was all about her. Being the "widow" got her a lot of mileage as a waif.

She also cleared the house quickly of my father's belongings. In fact, there's almost no trace of him in the house- except for a few things in what used to be his office that she hasn't had the chance to get rid of yet.  I know that at some point it isn't good to hold on to everything but I was surprised at how quickly and extensively she disposed of them.

I would also advise you to take care of yourself. I wasn't in good control of my own emotions and not in a position to deal with someone with BPD. Find your support with your friends and family members you are close to. Be good to yourself.

[zachira]

I am sorry about the loss of your dad and how you are having to worry about the potential reactions of your mom with BPD. My mother with BPD went out of her way to clear out the house of all my father's belongings and my brother's belongings (My brother was her favorite child.), immediately after she learned they had died. It seems that was the only way my mother could show her grief, as there was no crying or any real show of emotion ever. My advice would be for you and your family to take over the process of determining what happens to your dad's possessions. I am sad that I do not have many of my father's possessions that mean a lot to me. My sister wised up when my brother died after the experience with dad, so she and I took over distributing my brother's stuff, and mom was told over and over again it was hands off though mom made things difficult by constantly interfering. Also, do not expect any empathy or help in dealing with your sadness over your dad's death from your mother. How little she appears to care, can be so confusing and hurtful. In my case, it made me wonder if my mother ever loved my father or my brother, and I think the truth is my mother is incapable of really loving anybody. Take care and let us know how you are doing. I hope things go better than expected.

[Mickey47]

Applewood

I can’t tell much because I pretty new as well, but I will be praying for you and your situation. I can tell you this listen to the people in here they are very insightful and give really good advice. The ones that have especially helped me are

Notwendy
Harri
Zachira
Panda
JNChell

They really do listen and help you through their own experiences.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Mickey!


My BPD mom refused to let me have anything that belonged to my Dad. She later let me have a few things.

Most of his belongings are gone- she got rid of them, or her home care workers stole some of them, or she let other people have them.

I had to let go of any wish to have anything of his. I didn't want money or to sell anything of value. I wanted to keep them and pass them on to my kids.

She would ask us if we wanted something and if we said yes, she would refuse to give it to us.

She complains to others that her children didn't help her with his belongings but she didn't let us.

Emotionally I had to let go of it all. It was too tough to hang on to hope of having something from him.

[madeline7]

Applewood,

I am sorry for your loss. I too had my enDad pass 3 years ago, leaving an uBPDm literally at my doorstep. She moved to my town to be closer to her kids so we could now take care of her. The relationship between me and my siblings became very strained and now 1 does not speak to me unless it is necessary or a state occasion. As me and my sisters went through my Dad's things (uBPDm in extreme waif mode and unable to do anything), I asked if I could take 3 shirts out of his clothes closet and distribute to the 3 grandsons. She said absolutely not, and we donated all of his things. I found 3 wallets he received as gifts and was not using. One wallet was from me and I had inserted a photo of my kids in the wallet. One of my kids wanted that wallet and when she found out, she had a fit and we donated that too. As mentioned in a previous post, when I said I missed my Dad, she said ..well i lost a husband. No tenderness, only poor me, and now you have to take care of me. It was my worst nightmare come true. I hope that you practice very good self care and have a more positive experience. Please post as often as you like, and we will support you and lift you up.

[Mickey47]

Your welcome Notwendy! THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING HERE!