Hey
paperinkart!
Your post really resonated with me. I experience similar interactions with my uBPD partner. He'll start splitting and act in a way that's cold/cruel. And after he calms down and is himself again, he'll apologize but also question why I even put up with his behavior. It's to the point sometimes, where it exacerbates his paranoia - that only someone with another agenda would put up with all of it.
Sometimes, he can tell that I'm bruised and exhausted and starts pushing me away - because he's sure that I am planning to leave him. I think, more than anything, it's a coping mechanism for him - he wants to beat me to the punch and make it easier on himself by distancing himself from me/the relationship.
I, too, struggle with anxiety. So the distancing aspect really affects me, and I often allow it to drive my reactions to him in a way that isn't productive. It's made me realize, however, that I spend so much time fixated on his distancing and ruminating over what's happening, that I'm not taking care of myself. All of this time, where he's creating distance, I have an opportunity to practice self care, learn new things, and remember that I am my own person with or without this relationship.
I'm new to the community and trying to learn many of the strategies here as well. So, I'm not sure I can offer a ton of help. But perhaps his distancing is an opportunity for you to take a breather, take care of yourself, and let him do what he's going to do, while letting him know that you're still there. Either way, you're taking care of yourself - which will help your anxiety and the way you interact with him. You deserve as much care, if not more, as you put into this relationship.
Mind you, all of this is really easy to say and much harder to do! ; )
Good luck,
paperinkart! We're all here with you!
