Enabling, or helping the children?

[Faith2014]

My uBPDs, I'll call her A, has 3 kids.  She's 41.  I'm 51.  The boys are 8,  7, and 7.

She's divorced from a man who is barely in their lives, but he does see the kids every other weekend (or so).  He's not in the running for the world's best dad, but he's not abusive, but rather neglectful and incredibly self-centered.  His child support payments are ~$600 or so a month.  He pays late frequently.

A can function in the world, just barely, and with a lot of help.  She lost her job last week, has an attendance problem at work, doesn't interact well with others, and careens from one crisis to another.  After her divorce, I paid her mortgage for over a year (as much as rent, perhaps a bit less, for something comparable).  She declared bankruptcy, and next year will be able to streamline refinance (FHA, it takes 2 years after bankruptcy).  I've been paying 1/3 of the mortgage for awhile, and the refinancing will allow me to stop paying that amount.  Until we find out her UI amounts, I need to cover the mortgage.

She had a car she didn't take care of.  She neglected to change the oil and the engine blew.  I gave her my old car (2001) and got a new one.  The condition was that she take care of the maintenance.  I've had to nag, rag and b!tch to get the oil changed.  She's known about an exhaust issue for about 10 months, and was supposed to take care of it.  Nothing.  On Monday, the situation goes Code Red, the car is undriveable, spawning too many issues to discuss here, and it costs me nearly $1000 out of pocket.  Now, had she taken care of the situation 6 months ago, we could have gotten rid of the car, maybe gotten $500 towards another car as a trade-in, and had something a  little more reliable.  (Yes, I would have had to pay for it). 

She careens from crisis to crisis.  I'm exhausted.  I'm broke.  But if I don't help?  She'd be homeless, no car, and what would happen to the kids?  If it was just her, then I'd maybe give her money so she wouldn't starve, but that would be it.

The kids going to live with their father would be awful.  They don't like it there, and I doubt he would want them, what with his new wife and their live-in GF (who is divorced and has a son in foster care). 

My SO gets very upset about this, as I do.  It causes problems for our future, because he said that I'd be supporting her the rest of her life.  I don't plan on that, but I can see why he would think that from his POV.

And that's just me.  My mother has been there nearly every day taking care of the kids.  She's going on 73.  When she's been watching them during the summer (and after school when A was working), she cleans the house, does laundry, makes dinner for kids and A, gets their lunches/bags ready for the next day, makes sure they do their homework, etc. 

When challenged on doing all this that A should be doing, she says (and truthfully so) that if she didn't do it, A wouldn't.  This way, she knows they have a 1/2 way decent environment and clothes to wear.  Otherwise, there'd be chaos on the morning, the kids would be pulling clothes out of hampers to wear (who knows if dirty or clean), and generally living in squalor.

Yes, it's enabling A, but she does it for the boys and for peace in their life.  I'd hate to live in the emotional environment there, let alone the chaos and the squalor.

And my mother is right - if she didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. 

My mother also calls her every morning to "check in" but really to make sure A is going to work and that the kids are going to school.  One day,  one of the twins overslept, A overslept, and so she called into work, and called him absent to school. So yeah, I can see why my mother does this.

Needless to say, my step-father (of 25 years) is less than thrilled with all of this.  Plus my mother is certainly getting up in the years and isn't in the best of health.

To top it off, A really resents me for helping out with the $.

I don't see a way to change this, or if it should be changed.  I fear that if the boys were to go to their dad's house, it would just destroy them.  They frequently cry when they have to go over there as well since he ignores them.  He doesn't really care about them or love them (he wanted to the twins to be aborted).  He hates his own mother (who is a piece of work, but not evil by any means) and he's disrespectful of women overall.

Any thoughts are appreciated!  I know that as an child of an alcoholic father, with extreme dysfunction on both sides, having a lifeline is critical for kids. 

[Turkish]

   To top it off, A really resents me for helping out with the $.

Has she said this,  "I resent you for... ." or is this just a feeling you have about the situation? I'm not doubting that she might feel that way,  but if she's verbalized this,  then it's an opportunity to validate that feeling then assert a boundary. 

[Faith2014]

No, but my mother says she does.  It's a natural human reaction to resent the person who gives way too much, I think.  I doubt she's aware of it at all.  If anything, it's mixed up in part of her negative feelings of failure towards herself.

[Phoenix09]

I wish I could tell you more than I completely understand and I've been trying to find some answers myself.  I grew up in an alcoholic home where I was desperate for someone to help and no one ever did.  My sister married a drug addict and I've now watched her kids grow up in a home even worse than what I had.  I swore I was going to help them and yet I feel as though I failed.

Each child has moved out of the house the minute they graduated high school and the youngest is now at home alone.  She moved in with my Mom (uBPD) for a few weeks a couple months back but sis bribed her into coming back home.  I have been no contact with my sister since December... .I got the silent treatment as a result of suggesting that the kids might benefit from talking to a counselor. 

I have somewhat made peace with the lack of relationship with my sister and distancing my mother.  I'm always on the outside until the drama erupts and then I get all kinds of phone calls.  Once the dust settles - they all disappear.  I've learned to listen, keep my distance and wait for the next storm.  But I can't get past my feelings of failure when it comes to the kids.  I am constantly beating myself up with thoughts that I could and should do more.  I think about how I could have done more to protect them - should I have made more of an effort to get them out of the house?  My M becomes totally enmeshed and calls me with horror stories about what the kids are going through but then when I start to take real action - discuss calling authorities about neglect or making arrangements for them to talk to a counselor - the story changes and things aren't that bad.  I have no idea what the truth is.

I talk to the kids and they will open up with me a little but not much.  I've been told by so many people that there is nothing I can do - they aren't being abused and they really aren't neglected.  Other than electricity being turned off every couple of months because bills aren't paid - there really is no case for neglect.  But I know emotionally - those kids have gone through #$%#.   

I've had to put my foot down on giving money to M because I know it goes to my sister and then it goes to her husband's habit.  So I've made it as clear as I can with the kids that they can come to me if they ever need anything.  I've told them over and over that my door is always open and I have a spare room if they need it.  Now they are all old enough to make decisions like that but I've lived through the years when they couldn't.  It's such a horrible feeling trying to decide just how much you should help a parent because of a child. 

Sorry I don't have a better answer for you.  I hope it helps to know that you aren't alone.  I wonder if I'll ever get over the guilt or feelings of failure that I didn't do more to make my nieces' lives better.

[Faith2014]

Phoenix09 - Yes, it does help knowing that others have gone through comparable.  It helps to give insight that there are no 'right' answers and good and bad come with any choice we make.

The feeling of being alone as a kid is what keeps me hanging in there.  My mother's selfless love for the 3 boys stands as an example to me, although I don't always agree with her actions.  My mom and I are close - I can't imagine dealing with this crap on my own.  My mom was raised by her grandparents (quick tempered Eastern Europeans with heavy handed discipline).  Her mother didn't want to deal with kids, but came back for her and her golden haired sister when they were older to do things for her. 

The horrible stories she has... .  She married an alcoholic, who got more violent as the years progressed.  Finally a break was made when I was 15 (and A was 5).  Things were horribly rocky, but we survived.  By society's standards, I suppose I have 'thrived', but we shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

My sister has caused many $ related arguments between me and my fiance.  Not so much what I do for the boys because I'd like them to have a nice middle class upbringing, unlike my own, and he understands (to a degree).

But thank you for sharing your story - it DOES help