I met my ex last year. I had spoken to him for months over the phone after meeting online, and to be honest, I was under the impression he was more into me than I was into him. We would message each other ESSAYS every day. My male friends were flummoxed - they said there was no way he was speaking to others as well as me as quite simply he wouldn't have the time. It felt special, unique and good. I felt like after a lot of wrong'uns, I had chose a sensitive and special guy. Oh boy ...
Dating
Our first date was in his city. When we met, he could barely look at me, and seemed much younger in his awkward mannerisms than a 28 year old. For the first 2 minutes I panicked - had I traveled 2 hours to sit with someone who couldn't communicate in real life? He soon got comfortable, and I remember thinking (and I'm never this dramatic) that I would marry him. Yep - this shy, respectful guy - he was the one.
We met at 6pm. He didn't drop me back at my hotel until 7am. The chemistry was electric. We spoke for hours and hours about everything in life, gentle flirting but no overt sexuality, which I loved. We soon got into a pattern of seeing each other every weekend, and speaking everyday on the phone.
I remember one night talking about empathy over the phone. He told me that he knew I was empathetic and I gave myself too much to people. He's right - I work in mental health, and I feel enormous sadness when listening to people's stories. I remember him saying "I'm not empathetic" and me not replying but thinking "how can you not be empathetic?"
This concern got lost in the whirlwind of our weekend sleepover dates however. It then got replaced by the fragility that he started showing me. He cried on nearly every weekend I saw him - about his childhood and how he was "broken". I remember we were sitting next to love locks on a bridge, and I told him it was important to hold and be held - and I said I would help him (idiot I know).
I was infatuated with him! I would bake him cakes every weekend, bring him little gifts, go to all his races, sit dutiful alone whilst he trained ... and in return, he would buy us dinner/coffees/etc.
He also expressed odd views on sex. He told me that he "disliked lust" and thought that "lust ruins lives". He had only slept with 2 people in his life, and he thought sex was overrated. He said he had one girlfriend in his life, and he had last had sex 5 years ago.
He said he didn't feel comfortable around promiscuity and he unfollowed girls on instagram who seemed obssessed with how they looked. It checked out - his personal instagram only followed athletes, friends and family.
His ex-girlfriend was a cheat - his sister had slept with the man who also slept with his girlfriend - and now his nephew was the child of the man who stole his cheated with his GF! I felt bad for him. How could she be so mean?
... I thought he was different, I thought that maybe he believed in love like I did.
Becoming His Girlfriend
He asked me to be his girlfriend after 4 weeks of dating. He also cried the night we had sex for the first time. We had gone for a walk after, and he began talking about his childhood again and how he had no friends when he moved to this country. Again, I comforted him a lot. The next morning, he woke me up and asked me to be his girlfriend - I was ELATED.
It was this weekend, that I realized how self-centered he was. It was a massive heatwave, and because he had moved back to his mother's whilst his house was renovated, and I lived 2 hours away we were in a hotel. After checking out at 11am - he announced at 3pm that he had to do marathon training. He met his friend, left me in the car and went running for 2 hours. I had nothing to do, no drink and no access to a shop. So there I was, 2 hours away from home, in a car in 32 degree Celsius heat. (idiot)
Dropping me home that weekend, he said that it was the most amazing experience of his life - that he couldn't believe someone as beautiful as me was his girlfriend. He loved waking up next to me. Over messages he said "I can't believe last night happened, dream check moment!" I replied, kinda trying to deflect too many compliments "Me too, but stop with the compliments" - his reply was weird "I'm not complimenting you, I was impressed with myself for having slept with someone like you" ... What the
PLEASE READ?
Apart from that comment, things were calm and I felt very in love. He confided in me that he was struggling with his mental health (depression) and had tried to kill himself before he met me, and that I had made him so happy - that I was his soulmate, we were made for each other, we completed each other.
First Problems
After we had sex, my ex got symptoms that suggested a water infection. I freaked out. Having previously been raped, I was worried that I had given him an STI (not rational, I am clear). I panicked, cried, and felt dirty. He was comforting, and reassuring. He felt bad that he couldn't be there for me in person.
Our first argument happened after a month. I was down for the weekend in his city. He was completely stone cold with me picking me up. I went to kiss him and he turned his cheek. It was 11pm and he took me back to his work so he could finish up for "a few minutes". I was in his car for 1 hour. Then, he ran errands dropping stuff at his sisters. When we finally got a chance to chat, he pulled out his phone and went on Instagram. I jokingly said "For every 5 minutes you're on SM, I ain't gonna speak for 10!". He put his phone away, we chatted. All good.
At 2am, he said that we were going to smoke weed with his brother. We had a good time - it was chilled, friendly, I felt comfortable... and then when we got back to hotel, he started crying again. The conversation went:
Me: "... oh my god, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
Him: "... I'm fine... it's just ... I feel like we're not as connected as we usually are"
Me: "What ... what do you mean?"
Him: "you're putting doubts in my mind. you're making me feel guilty. you expect me to change my behaviour for you - like you expected me to comfort you about the water infection, and I don't get why you wanted to make me feel bad"
Me: "erm, I don't ... I don't understand sorry"
Him: "you weren't joking about instagram before - you were criticising me. you want me to change"
Me: "I say that to everyone. I don't like people being on their phones. But help me understand - why did it offend you?"
Him: "Leave it ! You're always pushing to understand, leave it."
He then went to sleep, waking up in the morning completely normal. We then did all his chores that day - running around from 8am to 11.30pm. I met his whole family -- he said he was proud of how much they seemed to love me. I also went to see him race in a different city and took pictures for him when he crossed the finishing line.
He went to see his brother again at 12am for about 20 minutes, leaving me in the hotel room alone. He then came back, lavishing me with attention, telling me I was beautiful perfect etc.
And then the next day he had to go running AGAIN. He left me this time with a UTI in a coffee shop. He said he would be 2 hours. After 2 hours and a half, I sent him a message asking where he was. He replied "sorry, just finishing up getting a picture with my friend (man I know too) for instagram" I replied "getting a pic? really? that's quite mean considering I am ill... what time will you be back?" BIG MISTAKE...
Breakup One
He stormed into the coffee shop, asked me to get into his car. We drove the 2 hours back to my house in silence. I tried everything to try and get him to speak to me, I apologized, saying I was sad I didn't seem a priority that weekend. He errupted. **"*You're so manipulative!*" and "*i always think of you, i always put you first, but you never put me first..."*(refer back to the things I did as his girlfriend), and eventually "you know I am insecure, you know why i have to exercise"
I started crying - really crying. I was being a bitch - I said sorry more times than I can remember. He didn't reply, kept driving and rang his friend to chat about something he saw on telly. I was scrambling - I asked him to stop at a services as I was in pain. He eventually did - I bought him a coffee and keyring as a peace offering. He didn't budge.
He dropped me off. I kept sobbing - wailing at his point - what had I done wrong? I felt awful, I had upset someone so sensitive by saying something selfish - I was the problem. I said "are we breaking up?"
He said "I am. I want to go home now".
He ignored me for 3 days. He then said I could call him at 7pm the next evening. He said he needed time to evaluate whether we should be together and he couldn't be with someone who made him feel guilty.
3 days later we met. He apologised. He had overreacted. He was sorry. He wanted to be with me. So that was decided.
Breakup Two
For a while, everything was good again. I was increasingly struggling with life; my family friend died, I had a CT scan due to constant blackouts, and I graduated and was unemployed. I was a mess.
And then I stupidly called him out for liking a girl's "revealing" picture on insta. I felt
PLEASE READ after the CT scan, I felt unattractive, I felt stressed and I lashed out. There was nothing in it - i know that - she was in a different country! It just felt weird because he told me that he didn't think it was respectful to like other girls' pictures if someone had a girlfriend... and that's exactly what he had done!
I asked him why he did that after he spoke out so much about how he didn't like promiscuity.
He ended the phonecall after 1 minute. He didn't speak to me for 2 days.
He then called me saying:
I was sabotaging the relationship. I was being very selfish and looking for reasons to be sad.
That he was so "so so so sure of me" and that I spent my time putting doubts into his head.
When I told him that I was insecure about my body after rape, and that it made me feel disgusting next to other girls he said "yeah, we know all this" (this floored me)
That he was going running, and that I could call him after at 8pm.
It was the day of my friends funeral the next day. I was exhausted, I text him saying I couldn't speak and I was getting an early night.
The next day he sent a text thanking me for a plant I had sent him. I replied saying I missed him, the funeral was hard - life was hard. No reply.
I had discovered that my UTI that made me cranky in the coffee shop when we first broke up was actually a pregnancy symptom. 2 days after my friend's funeral I miscarried.
Train Station
The weekend after my friend's funeral we met at a train station halfway between us. I told him everything - pouring my heart out - about the pregnancy, funeral, my mental health. All met with indifference. The burning issue to him was "you didn't even wish me good luck for my race" (which was the day I miscarried). He said "R, you aren't stupid, you are good with words, you know that words hurt and yet you still use the ones to hurt me the most".
He didn't look at me once. Sitting in the car, he stared out the window, arms folded and pouting his lips. He said he felt more comfortable not to look at me. Whenever I spoke he said "what you think doesn't matter." He said after 4 hours, "I need to protect myself from you. I am my priority".
Leaving the car, knowing I had miscarried, and that my CT scan results were back soon - he said "I hope your family are coping well" ... seemingly, he didn't care about me.
And he drove off - leaving me to get home alone. 4 days before my birthday. Days after a miscarriage.
Going No Contact
I fought hard to keep it civil - I didn't shout or even swear at him in the days after. I just wanted my friend back. We had a 7 hour phone call the day after my birthday. It was like a phonecall when we were in a relationship - he didn't even mention the breakup. I felt good - maybe he made a mistake? Did I imagine the breakup?
After collapsing, I decided to cut him off. He was making me ill. He text me during that month to arrange to get my stuff back to me.
Eventually, I replied saying my friend will collect my stuff. He said he would prefer to drop it.
No Longer a Bad Girlfriend
We met up before Christmas - this was 3 months post-breakup. He said vaguely that he was sorry that we had broken up - and that he was sorry how he acted. He had been so depressed since - he stayed in bed for 3 weeks after we split, started self-harming again, thought I had gone forever; "to say I missed you would be the biggest understatement of my life". He said our breakup was messy because of how "united" we are. He said he didn't know what to do for the best.
He did however get some snide remarks in. He started saying how I was "too nice" and "too understanding" and that I wasn't a healthy person because I wanted to help people. And how I would struggle to have a healthy relationship.
It was like the old times of dating again - we were just chatting and enjoying the company. We ended up sleeping together (it was me who kind of pushed for this)
The day after - posts on SM about how he had "messed up his life", uploading images of seeing someone you love leave you and them finding someone better than you ... all very weird.
He then began calling me a pet name he gave me again.
Since then, we have been in contact, sending literally hundreds of mini essays per week to each other.
--- is this typical of bpd - ive read about discard but never been cut off
