How do BPD mothers do as children get older and become more challenging?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

MY BPD wife was a fine mother when kids were 0-5. Things got worse from 5-10, and were disastrous 10-16. She simply did not have the skills to manage the kids' needs. The lesson I learned was that I had to essentially be a fully engaged single parent for the sake of my kid's sanity. Didn't realize it was needed for the older one, and that child has suffered. Did it for the younger one and it probably saved that child. The BPD mother needs intensive help, otherwise you will need to put your kids' mental health above hers for their sake.

[AKC]

MY BPD wife was a fine mother when kids were 0-5. Things got worse from 5-10, and were disastrous 10-16. She simply did not have the skills to manage the kids' needs. The lesson I learned was that I had to essentially be a fully engaged single parent for the sake of my kid's sanity. Didn't realize it was needed for the older one, and that child has suffered. Did it for the younger one and it probably saved that child. The BPD mother needs intensive help, otherwise you will need to put your kids' mental health above hers for their sake.

[Notwendy]

Looking back at my own experience, I would agree with you, although my BPD mother didn't have a lot of skills to manage young children either. However, teens still need parents and it's a challenge when the parent doesn't have the emotional skills to manage the teen age years.

I think the "error" you made with your older one would be easy to make. I think there's a tendency to parentify children when they get older and are more able to take care of ourselves. We were enlisted as emotional caretakers for BPDmom. We were very independent teens, but emotionally, we needed a parent.

I had to essentially be a fully engaged single parent for the sake of my kid's sanity.

Absolutely- children need parents at all ages. Maybe not in the same way at all ages, but even as adults we want a relationship with our parents.