help, my new boyfriends Ex was BPD, think I have triggered fear in him :(

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all

I have been in a loving relationship with a great guy for 10 months.

He has been the most loving, respectful man to me . He was deeply hurt by his ex wife of 17 yrs (emotionally abusive) and ex girlfriend of 14 months (awful BPD) 

Unfortunately I got supicious (due to my insecurities ) from my past relationship and snooped. I told him about it immediately, but he now has retreated and says he doesnt want to always be wondering if I will trust him. He wants to cool off for a day and not speak. Not sure if he can get over this... .

I acknowledge my "breaking his boundries" and feel dreadful I have hurt, and probably scared the man I love, and my best friend.

I know men need time to think and sort things out, we have never had a fight, no yelling or screaming ever... .not my m.o.

I have offered to go see a counselor to address my issues, he is so wonderful, and has done nothing to deserve my "prying"

I am sure I have triggered fears in him, as he was only 2 months out of his BPD nightmare when we met, we became friends first... .then became intimate later. I am 45, he is 53.

Everything else is great. He does see a therapist 2 x a month. He is working on setting boundries, and not being such a people pleaser. I have seen him literally bloom since the New Year.

I am giving him his space, but feel devastated that my actions may have cost us both a great, real, healthy relationship. Advice?  Thank you!

[angeusa54321]

Hi all

I have been in a loving relationship with a great guy for 10 months.

He has been the most loving, respectful man to me . He was deeply hurt by his ex wife of 17 yrs (emotionally abusive) and ex girlfriend of 14 months (awful BPD) 

Unfortunately I got supicious (due to my insecurities ) from my past relationship and snooped. I told him about it immediately, but he now has retreated and says he doesnt want to always be wondering if I will trust him. He wants to cool off for a day and not speak. Not sure if he can get over this... .

I acknowledge my "breaking his boundries" and feel dreadful I have hurt, and probably scared the man I love, and my best friend.

I know men need time to think and sort things out, we have never had a fight, no yelling or screaming ever... .not my m.o.

I have offered to go see a counselor to address my issues, he is so wonderful, and has done nothing to deserve my "prying"

I am sure I have triggered fears in him, as he was only 2 months out of his BPD nightmare when we met, we became friends first... .then became intimate later. I am 45, he is 53.

Everything else is great. He does see a therapist 2 x a month. He is working on setting boundries, and not being such a people pleaser. I have seen him literally bloom since the New Year.

I am giving him his space, but feel devastated that my actions may have cost us both a great, real, healthy relationship. Advice?  Thank you!

[2010]

If someone told me that they had been in an abusive marriage for 17 years, and then jumped into a new relationship with an abusive girlfriend, and then jumped into a new relationship with you- I would ask them, have you ever thought about being alone and healing from that abuse?  Some people cannot fathom being alone and they jump from one partner to the next, thinking that it will solve all their problems with the last person. These "jumping bean" people tend to appear victimized in the beginning, which attracts rescuers- and as we all know it- it's only a matter of time before the rescuer becomes a victim themselves. The truth is that Personality disorders thrive in triangulation (read definition) and that takes 3 people to play the game.

If you had to snoop to get information because he wasn't forthright in giving it over to you- there's a reason.

Healthy people take the time to see their part in failed relationships and then offer that up with some sort of humility before dating again.  To not do so stacks the new partner against the old in a loaded relationship bond where you think you are better than the last because your partner has told you so. There's a reason for that and it's only a matter of time before you realize that this was a set-up that was destined to fail.  Of course you're suspicious.

I know you have seen this person literally bloom since the New Year, but what about you? A loving relationship that is respectful doesn't trigger suspicion unless there are underlying reasons.  |>  I guess you have to ask yourself why you felt suspicious and what the suspicions were on about and then go from there.  Always trust your gut. It speaks the truth.  

[beguya]

I would be very open with him.  If you truely do trust him i would tell him so, and that you realize that snooping was a big blow to that trust of him, you, and your relationship.

When someone tells me they were human and messed up and they acknowledge it and that they will do everyting in their power to not let it happen again, it shows me integrity and accountability and i can trust that person again. 

This is what was lacking with my exBPDgf.  They do not have this capacity in them, that they can actually be human and do something wrong.

You were human and did something wrong.  If he cannot understand this then i feel very bad for him and he still has some issues to work on from revious relationships.

[angeusa54321]

Thank You 2010 AND beguya... .

2010:  I agree with your posting, I did NOT know the extent, nor do I still know the extent of what he went thru. Just what he has told me, which was not much. I never wanted to pry... .because I could see he was  healing. He looks great (gained 15 pounds, which he needed too)is now smiling and joking alot, said he is happier than he has been since 1985.

I have felt like I myself  have needed to "walk on eggshells" so I dont trigger anything that may remind him of any past abuse. I am pretty much a sweet, happy-go-lucky person. Simple needs, just want everyone to be happy. The not asking him what has happened specifically has been very hard. Very hard!

I have most definately thought  "why  does he wanted to get involved so quickly after a break-up 2 months prior ."   (this is what I thought at 4 months in as I thought his  breakup was in March, not May )

But at 4 months in, I was feeling "in love", so I guess it was too late and I pushed those thoughts aside... .mostly.

I myself usually wait a 1 to 1 1/2 yrs between serious relationships, I retreat and enjoy my alone time.

Although he did say he was looking for a friendship and not interested in rushing things... we all know once sex is part of the equation, it becomes a " relationship"

I have never been treated so tenderly, with such respect and kindness.

I guess I thought maybe its to good to be true, and went looking for a reason for it not to be. (my issue, I acknowledge,  that this needs to be discussed with a therapist)

My gut says he is a good man, with yes, issues to heal still.

He said his immediate thought when he found out about me "snooping" was that it was his EX. This worried me alot, as they have had NC  for a year. So I guess he fears this will come eventually. He has gotten rid of everything pertaining to her, although I guess he has some paper work of hers. Why, I dont know... .seems pretty silly  since He is forbidden to  have any contact her, as they work for the same company and are to have NC per the company. They work in different states. I think this is a blessing, as if she ever tried to contact him, she would lose her job.This has probably saved him from " being ed".

Although a month after we started dating, she emailed him a random confirmation, that she would be at a specific hotel on a specific date. This is while she is with  her new boyfriend ( found out by me, through Facebook) yes, I did check her out a bit, after he told me some of her crazy antics. She is blocked from my facebook, and has NO idea who I am. Uggg... .Anyway... .I am rambling. Just hope we can work this through, as he is a good man. Am I a rescuer, maybe I have been. I will have to give this some thought.

Beguya:

I Do trust him, as much as a 45yr old woman can having lived life. Divorced, with 1 child.

I do hope he can forgive me, alas... .if he cant  then he is not the one I thought he was.

Which will break my heart  for both of us.

[SunflowerFields]

Do you have definite proof that it was him who was abused by these women and not the other way around?

[AlexDP]

Do you have definite proof that it was him who was abused by these women and not the other way around?

My thoughts exactly. I told a female friend about my relationship with a borderline and I was surpised at how easily she believed me. I even told her at one point that when someone tells her a story like that, it's important to check if he's not presenting himself as a victim so you'd feel like you want to help him and ultimately become his next 'abuser'. Turns out her mom is a psychiatrist who works with a lot of borderlines and she felt that my story was correct, because I also had several long lasting friendships and only told her bits and pieces about my relationship and didn't present my ex as the devil. If this guy tells you all about his previous relationships without you asking about them, if he says they were abusing him and he was completely innocent, then yeah, I wouldn't trust him all that much to be frank.

[angeusa54321]

Thank you for your unbiased input. He is /was a classic people pleaser. He does acknowledge his past abuse is due to him allowing it. I have def not let him play the victim with me.

I have been empathetic, but not a push-over.

He has sloowly revealed things over the last 10 months.

I appreciate your concern, but I feel that my "snooping" feels like abuse to him, and I have had to take a good long look at why, and what I hoped to gain from this.

He will have to reveal more, and this will be hard  for him. I think he just wants it to all go away, and prob feels like talking to his therapist 2x a month is sufficient.

[ve01603]

Thank you for your unbiased input. He is /was a classic people pleaser. He does acknowledge his past abuse is due to him allowing it. I have def not let him play the victim with me.

I have been empathetic, but not a push-over.

He has sloowly revealed things over the last 10 months.

I appreciate your concern, but I feel that my "snooping" feels like abuse to him, and I have had to take a good long look at why, and what I hoped to gain from this.

He will have to reveal more, and this will be hard  for him. I think he just wants it to all go away, and prob feels like talking to his therapist 2x a month is sufficient.

First thing is you never tell on yourself!

Sorry not making light of your situation but I never snooped on anyone except my exBPD.  After he gave me reasons not to trust, I felt entitled and I became the Master at it.  Funny, Steve Harvey says in his book, "If a woman wants to know something, the F.B.I. has nothing on her."  Now I know that once he gave me reasons not to trust and I verified them, I should have been gone.  That was MY mistake.  Now I feel that I don't have time for all of that.  It is too much work and time wasted that could be put to better use.  However, I could see where it could also become a habit after being with a BPD.  If he proves worthy, maybe you could tell him that.  That unfortuneately, after being with a BPD, it became "normal" to you and a this point, you will choose to become conscious and choose to break the cycle.

Hope it all works out.  Let us know.

[angeusa54321]

ve01603

It became a habit to check on my previous boyfriend in the end, and I had good reason.

My current boyfriends ex was BPD, not mine. My ex was just a run-of-the-mill liar/cheat.

I believe in honesty, even to my detriment. We both deserve that.

I am very concious, and want this to NOT BE an issue, which it is now.

[angeusa54321]

Just recieved an email from my sweet man, just as I thought I have triggered bad memories from his exBPDgf.

He said in the past all of his email, text, voicemail, and computer usage was monitored. That he was accused of cheating when he did nothing. I cant imagine what it is like to live through, and wish you all continued growth and strength in yourselves. I am happy for him,  that he has had such a strong reaction,( even though I feel heartbroken by his lack of communication) because he needs to continue to set strong boundries for himself so he will not ever lose himself again in a relationship. I guess its akin to a PTSD reaction, I have had those due to some issues  from my childhood. Reading these boards continues to give me perspective and help me understand what my friend/man went through.

Still things to work on, a growth in progress that hopefully will work itself out with TIME.

Time is a great healer, and I can honestly say, slowly getting to know him has been good. He said a few weeks back to me he has no regrets in regard to the pace of our relationship. Am I a rescuer, I dont think so... .just a person that dearly loves there guy. Blessings to you all