I'm crazy for wanting to go back. Please help.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My first post and I need some reassurance.

As a gay male in his 40s, I really should know better and should have yielded to the many red flags.  After only 5 months of a whirlwind long-distance "relationship" with someone who has exhibited just about ALL the traits of a high-functioning BPD person, I decided to go with my head and break it off with him "sooner rather than later," as strongly recommended by my therapist, helpful youtube videos and concerned friends.

Very early on, R expressed his strong love for me and I have no doubts it was real (idealization phase?).  His affection and attention were off-the-charts. He has numerous friends, a great job, a close family and seems to be heavily pursued by many people due to his good looks, his outgoing personality and his overall magnetism.  Despite such a "fan club" he seemed totally enamored only with me in ways in which I've never experienced.  Within only 6 weeks' time, he was discussing having a long future together and getting married. I knew we were going way too fast, but it all felt so good, and, like him, I went with my heart and I ended up throwing caution to the wind.

During this time, he quickly became very clingy and needed dozens of texts, calls and video chats throughout the day where we'd both proclaim our love for each other.  If I didn't return his texts or calls in, say, 30 minutes, he easily became suspicious and would accuse me of lying.  If I'm doing routine errands, say at the bank or the grocery store, he'd ask me to video chat with him or send a quick photo, under the guise of "I miss yoou... .I just want it to be as if if I'm there with youuuu!"  He was always very possessive. He admitted that abandonment was a huge issue for him. I would always need to plead my case, we'd have weekly arguments where I'd point out his lack of empathy and double standards, but our arguments would just go in circles due to his not being able to take any responsibility for anything.  I'm very peaceful by nature, and despise conflict and drama; R seems to always relish in it, at least weekly.  He readily admits to having anger issues and that "he's working on it".

Two weeks ago, after debating whether I should ultimately stay or leave, I came up with a list to help me clarify why it wouldn't work.  In our short 5 months' time, R has:

-broke into my phone to find evidence of me cheating (again, his suspiciousness and possessiveness).

-shattered my phone in a rage due to me not telling him I had lunch with a friend.

-socked me in my face twice, and punched me in my chest.

-told me he threw a chair at his stepfather and hit his mother (whom he's very close to) last June.

-threatened to have his thug friends come and destroy my home.

-told me he physically assaulted a close friend at a club.

-told me he threw water in his close friend's face and then kicked his car.

-admitted to me that he's cheated on all of his exes (but quickly "clarified" what he meant: "Oh, no, I didn't mean 'cheated' in that way!" Yeah, sure.)

-regularly gets in verbal altercations with strangers, calling them names and violently threatening them.

-shamelessly cuts in front of people if lines are too long.

-has shoplifted a sandwich from Starbucks, eating it while on the phone with me.

-has gotten kicked out of bars and clubs and restaurants due to threatening behavior.

-regularly attempts to cause jealousy by boasting and frequently hanging out with a guy that clearly has romantic attraction for him (triangulation).

-demeans my friends and accuses them of not having my best interests at heart (isolation tactic).

-caught him in a few lies where his stories weren't consistent; he always revises things and the versions change and tells me I don't listen or I'm hearing things (gaslighting).

Note, that on two past occasions, I've "broken up" with him due to his lies (I have no hard evidence of him cheating), he would contact me constantly, begging me to stay and not give up on him and I'd give in in a day or two. This most recent time, however, two weeks ago, I finally broke it off gently and told him that we're just not meant to be. That I need to "work on myself" for right now (true) and that he's amazing but we just went too fast, too hard, and should step back (also true).  I didn't go into his red flags above and potential for abuse.  He wept, seemed crushed, said he disagreed with me about us not working out, but that he hopes I find what I'm looking for.  I haven't heard a peep from him since.  I looked at his Facebook page and he seems crushed with a bunch of people supporting his broken heart (he's "painted me black", I'm sure).

The problem?  Like a crazy person, I miss him incredibly and I'm on the verge of contacting him again to try to get back together, despite the above and knowing his anger and BPD issues.  Had I known this would be this painful for me, I would have stayed to try to work it out.  I'm serious.  I presumed I'd feel a sense of relief due to no more drama, but I don't. I hate the fact that I've hurt him.  And I miss him so badly that I've lost weight due to no appetite and feel physically sick. I wish he would call.  But since he's not, I think I will.

Someone please talk some sense into me. NO one I've talked to thinks it's a good idea.  My heart feels otherwise.

Please help.

[GoldenRoole]

My first post and I need some reassurance.

As a gay male in his 40s, I really should know better and should have yielded to the many red flags.  After only 5 months of a whirlwind long-distance "relationship" with someone who has exhibited just about ALL the traits of a high-functioning BPD person, I decided to go with my head and break it off with him "sooner rather than later," as strongly recommended by my therapist, helpful youtube videos and concerned friends.

Very early on, R expressed his strong love for me and I have no doubts it was real (idealization phase?).  His affection and attention were off-the-charts. He has numerous friends, a great job, a close family and seems to be heavily pursued by many people due to his good looks, his outgoing personality and his overall magnetism.  Despite such a "fan club" he seemed totally enamored only with me in ways in which I've never experienced.  Within only 6 weeks' time, he was discussing having a long future together and getting married. I knew we were going way too fast, but it all felt so good, and, like him, I went with my heart and I ended up throwing caution to the wind.

During this time, he quickly became very clingy and needed dozens of texts, calls and video chats throughout the day where we'd both proclaim our love for each other.  If I didn't return his texts or calls in, say, 30 minutes, he easily became suspicious and would accuse me of lying.  If I'm doing routine errands, say at the bank or the grocery store, he'd ask me to video chat with him or send a quick photo, under the guise of "I miss yoou... .I just want it to be as if if I'm there with youuuu!"  He was always very possessive. He admitted that abandonment was a huge issue for him. I would always need to plead my case, we'd have weekly arguments where I'd point out his lack of empathy and double standards, but our arguments would just go in circles due to his not being able to take any responsibility for anything.  I'm very peaceful by nature, and despise conflict and drama; R seems to always relish in it, at least weekly.  He readily admits to having anger issues and that "he's working on it".

Two weeks ago, after debating whether I should ultimately stay or leave, I came up with a list to help me clarify why it wouldn't work.  In our short 5 months' time, R has:

-broke into my phone to find evidence of me cheating (again, his suspiciousness and possessiveness).

-shattered my phone in a rage due to me not telling him I had lunch with a friend.

-socked me in my face twice, and punched me in my chest.

-told me he threw a chair at his stepfather and hit his mother (whom he's very close to) last June.

-threatened to have his thug friends come and destroy my home.

-told me he physically assaulted a close friend at a club.

-told me he threw water in his close friend's face and then kicked his car.

-admitted to me that he's cheated on all of his exes (but quickly "clarified" what he meant: "Oh, no, I didn't mean 'cheated' in that way!" Yeah, sure.)

-regularly gets in verbal altercations with strangers, calling them names and violently threatening them.

-shamelessly cuts in front of people if lines are too long.

-has shoplifted a sandwich from Starbucks, eating it while on the phone with me.

-has gotten kicked out of bars and clubs and restaurants due to threatening behavior.

-regularly attempts to cause jealousy by boasting and frequently hanging out with a guy that clearly has romantic attraction for him (triangulation).

-demeans my friends and accuses them of not having my best interests at heart (isolation tactic).

-caught him in a few lies where his stories weren't consistent; he always revises things and the versions change and tells me I don't listen or I'm hearing things (gaslighting).

Note, that on two past occasions, I've "broken up" with him due to his lies (I have no hard evidence of him cheating), he would contact me constantly, begging me to stay and not give up on him and I'd give in in a day or two. This most recent time, however, two weeks ago, I finally broke it off gently and told him that we're just not meant to be. That I need to "work on myself" for right now (true) and that he's amazing but we just went too fast, too hard, and should step back (also true).  I didn't go into his red flags above and potential for abuse.  He wept, seemed crushed, said he disagreed with me about us not working out, but that he hopes I find what I'm looking for.  I haven't heard a peep from him since.  I looked at his Facebook page and he seems crushed with a bunch of people supporting his broken heart (he's "painted me black", I'm sure).

The problem?  Like a crazy person, I miss him incredibly and I'm on the verge of contacting him again to try to get back together, despite the above and knowing his anger and BPD issues.  Had I known this would be this painful for me, I would have stayed to try to work it out.  I'm serious.  I presumed I'd feel a sense of relief due to no more drama, but I don't. I hate the fact that I've hurt him.  And I miss him so badly that I've lost weight due to no appetite and feel physically sick. I wish he would call.  But since he's not, I think I will.

Someone please talk some sense into me. NO one I've talked to thinks it's a good idea.  My heart feels otherwise.

Please help.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey,

Sorry to hear you're going through this.  You're doing the right thing by staying away and your feelings are completely normal.  I am on my mobile and I will type a longer reaponse to you when I am behind a keyboard.  For now, stay the course!

[Driver]

"The heart has its reasons which the reason ignores." However, when you are in an abusive and toxic relationship, I strongly advise you to follow your reason and not your heart. Later your heart will be thankful to your reason.

[strong9]

I agree with the others... .stay far away. He's bad news. But let me ask you, you've listed all of his bad traits. What's drawing you to him? I can infer a few things (the thrill of a whirlwind romance and his superficial qualities). But look inside yourself, what truly draws you in. Is it him or how he makes you feel during the highs? Is it his pursuit of you? And what exactly do you feel? Understanding that may help you process and give your intellect more arsenal to counteract your visceral emotions.

[FannyB]

If you'd just gone cold turkey to get off heroin isn't it likely you'd be craving another fix about now? Crazy is addictive to us - the highs the lows the push/pull etc. You know what you'll get if you return, but your current pain still makes it appear the lesser of 2 evils! 

Go to the gym, book a holiday - visit family out of state. Just do what you gotta do to distract yourself while you detox from him!

Short term pain for long tern pain buddy! 


Fanny

[La Carotte]

I agree completely with the other posters. As someone who is once again reeling from allowing myself to get sucked back in again, with the results that I hate myself a little bit more, feel ashamed and know that I was doing okay and now I've got to start again... .Really think carefully about what you want.

I think strong9s questions are very valid and Driver- Im going to try and stick with reason this time... .Deep breaths.

It's tough stuff, GR, no doubt about it

[Lonely_Astro]

My first post and I need some reassurance.

As a gay male in his 40s, I really should know better and should have yielded to the many red flags.  After only 5 months of a whirlwind long-distance "relationship" with someone who has exhibited just about ALL the traits of a high-functioning BPD person, I decided to go with my head and break it off with him "sooner rather than later," as strongly recommended by my therapist, helpful youtube videos and concerned friends.

Very early on, R expressed his strong love for me and I have no doubts it was real (idealization phase?).  His affection and attention were off-the-charts. He has numerous friends, a great job, a close family and seems to be heavily pursued by many people due to his good looks, his outgoing personality and his overall magnetism.  Despite such a "fan club" he seemed totally enamored only with me in ways in which I've never experienced.  Within only 6 weeks' time, he was discussing having a long future together and getting married. I knew we were going way too fast, but it all felt so good, and, like him, I went with my heart and I ended up throwing caution to the wind.

During this time, he quickly became very clingy and needed dozens of texts, calls and video chats throughout the day where we'd both proclaim our love for each other.  If I didn't return his texts or calls in, say, 30 minutes, he easily became suspicious and would accuse me of lying.  If I'm doing routine errands, say at the bank or the grocery store, he'd ask me to video chat with him or send a quick photo, under the guise of "I miss yoou... .I just want it to be as if if I'm there with youuuu!"  He was always very possessive. He admitted that abandonment was a huge issue for him. I would always need to plead my case, we'd have weekly arguments where I'd point out his lack of empathy and double standards, but our arguments would just go in circles due to his not being able to take any responsibility for anything.  I'm very peaceful by nature, and despise conflict and drama; R seems to always relish in it, at least weekly.  He readily admits to having anger issues and that "he's working on it".

Two weeks ago, after debating whether I should ultimately stay or leave, I came up with a list to help me clarify why it wouldn't work.  In our short 5 months' time, R has:

-broke into my phone to find evidence of me cheating (again, his suspiciousness and possessiveness).

-shattered my phone in a rage due to me not telling him I had lunch with a friend.

-socked me in my face twice, and punched me in my chest.

-told me he threw a chair at his stepfather and hit his mother (whom he's very close to) last June.

-threatened to have his thug friends come and destroy my home.

-told me he physically assaulted a close friend at a club.

-told me he threw water in his close friend's face and then kicked his car.

-admitted to me that he's cheated on all of his exes (but quickly "clarified" what he meant: "Oh, no, I didn't mean 'cheated' in that way!" Yeah, sure.)

-regularly gets in verbal altercations with strangers, calling them names and violently threatening them.

-shamelessly cuts in front of people if lines are too long.

-has shoplifted a sandwich from Starbucks, eating it while on the phone with me.

-has gotten kicked out of bars and clubs and restaurants due to threatening behavior.

-regularly attempts to cause jealousy by boasting and frequently hanging out with a guy that clearly has romantic attraction for him (triangulation).

-demeans my friends and accuses them of not having my best interests at heart (isolation tactic).

-caught him in a few lies where his stories weren't consistent; he always revises things and the versions change and tells me I don't listen or I'm hearing things (gaslighting).

Note, that on two past occasions, I've "broken up" with him due to his lies (I have no hard evidence of him cheating), he would contact me constantly, begging me to stay and not give up on him and I'd give in in a day or two. This most recent time, however, two weeks ago, I finally broke it off gently and told him that we're just not meant to be. That I need to "work on myself" for right now (true) and that he's amazing but we just went too fast, too hard, and should step back (also true).  I didn't go into his red flags above and potential for abuse.  He wept, seemed crushed, said he disagreed with me about us not working out, but that he hopes I find what I'm looking for.  I haven't heard a peep from him since.  I looked at his Facebook page and he seems crushed with a bunch of people supporting his broken heart (he's "painted me black", I'm sure).

The problem?  Like a crazy person, I miss him incredibly and I'm on the verge of contacting him again to try to get back together, despite the above and knowing his anger and BPD issues.  Had I known this would be this painful for me, I would have stayed to try to work it out.  I'm serious.  I presumed I'd feel a sense of relief due to no more drama, but I don't. I hate the fact that I've hurt him.  And I miss him so badly that I've lost weight due to no appetite and feel physically sick. I wish he would call.  But since he's not, I think I will.

Someone please talk some sense into me. NO one I've talked to thinks it's a good idea.  My heart feels otherwise.

Please help.

This, at the very least, is an absolute, hard stance reason to not go back.  Domestic abuse is domestic abuse.  Many of us have been abused emotionally.  We become trauma bonded to our abuser.  Some of us are/were addicted to the whirlwind of it all.  Others are co-dependent, have low self esteem, enmeshed, or something else that leaves us in these r/s or trying to figure out why we feel the way we do.

I was one of the lucky ones, if there is such a thing.  My ex (J), who is diagnosed, on medication, and (allegedly still) in DBT was in inward rage type.  She never did get violent with me.  But, I have seen her get violent with objects (throw her phone, slam her work phone receiver down, etc), so the potential was there.  She once told me that she wasn't violent with people because she "could control it, even though" she wanted to be.  So, when would that give way?  I don't know.

But, I was exposed to a lot of mental/emotional abuse and (at the time) didnt see it.  We have recently ended and I still miss her.  Through all the stuff we went through: the lying, the cheating, the manipulation, the silent treatments, and all of that... .I still miss her.  And that's ok.  Our exes were special to us.  They played a big role in our lives at one point and you're experiencing loss right now.  You are grieving.  Being unsure if you're doing the right thing is part of what we all went through.  J and I fell apart around October.  I held on and tried to put us back together until December, when I found out she had been on a date with someone (R) while we were in limbo.  Of course, she downplayed that.  But, I was at my limit by then.  I have recently (as in, yesterday) found out that she was also seeing another guy (L) in December around the time we ended.  Now, as I say we were ending in December, I made that stance.  But she tiptoed around wanting to reconcile and I didnt.  But, keep in mind, she also had L (at the very least, as a backup).

If you follow my story, you'll see that as recent as last week she told me that she "missed me, all of me" and that she would "love me forever and always".  All the while she was seeing L and they are "head over heels in love".  They are inseparable.  He's perfect.  She told me she doesnt hide anything from him, she's an open book to him, she's confessed ALL her sins (including me) to him, and all that good stuff (btw, we were like that... .once).  Of course, she concealed all that from me, I found out about L through another person.  She had minimized him to me.  While she was under no obligation to tell me, a reasonable healthy adult would tell someone they were talking like she did with me would tell that person that they are in a serious r/s, no?

My point in telling you all this is because you are feeling guilty for walking away.  Don't assume that the way you are seeing the end (or have seen it) or the way you are feeling about the end is the way he is feeling.  J has told me many times over the past few weeks about how she misses me, wished it had turned out different, loves me, and so on only for me to find out she's been with L since sometime in December.  Does that sound healthy to you?  This whole time, I was struggling with whether or not I made the right choice or if I had been the real problem.  Keep in mind, some of her behaviors were BPD, some of it was her.  The two things aren't separated, they are one in the same.  I can dislike the disorder but love the disordered person.  I choose to love J, the J that I 'knew" this past year before the world came crashing down on us... .again.  Yes, Virginia, I knew she was BPD from the onset.  I was the 'other guy' in the r/s for awhile (and she was the 'other girl'.  I don't like how we started, but that also didnt doom us to failure.  That was a path chosen by her because she chose to hide things from me, lie to me, and just in general not be a good person to me (especially toward the end).  I participated in it in the name of hope.  But, I digress.

Don't look back.  Now is the time to heal yourself!

[zeus123]

i agree with the other posters. stay away stay with NO CONTACT!

[GoldenRoole]

I agree with the others... .stay far away. He's bad news. But let me ask you, you've listed all of his bad traits. What's drawing you to him? I can infer a few things (the thrill of a whirlwind romance and his superficial qualities). But look inside yourself, what truly draws you in. Is it him or how he makes you feel during the highs? Is it his pursuit of you? And what exactly do you feel? Understanding that may help you process and give your intellect more arsenal to counteract your visceral emotions.

Thank you Strong9.  Great questions and your inferences are spot on.  What drew me to R (aside from the superficial, but strong mutual attraction), is primarily how he makes me feel during the highs.  I was also drawn to the fact that we both have experienced depression and he "gets" me in terms dealing with that and how to recovery from it.  While he's not depressed now and has had past suicide attempts, I enjoyed his coaching in terms of improving my mental health (ironic isn't it?).  He's a long-term volunteer at a respected local non-profit and encouraged me to do the same; he's really close to his family, which I felt was a strong point.  He's relatively responsible, has a Masters Degree, has goals, works in education with autistic youth, and seems otherwise quite well-rounded---qualities I always wanted in myself. He always told me how he believes in me and that I'm so utterly amazing and could never be replaced.

Honestly, I know I'm codependent and suffer from low self-esteem.  Being with him was akin to me being the lonely nerd in school who is suddenly dating the captain of the football team and enjoying a new, exhilarating life as part of him and his in-crowd.  I've never, ever felt so desired and so included in my life.

And now, I must give that up because of his "dark" side.

[GoldenRoole]

Thank you LonelyAstro. Sounds like your experience was truly painful and I have a gut feeling R was doing something similar.

As so many people have told me, I shouldn't presume that had the relationship endured things would have been as wonderful.  I've also heard and read that BPD people often begin to start devaluing and changing rapidly after around the 6-month mark.  The physical assaults, his current alcoholism as well as his DISTANCE (he's in the UK, I'm on the east coast of the US) should actually make this a no-brainer for me. Sigh.

I just hope I don't give in and break no-contact.  I'm gonna read your post every time I get the urge to reach out to him.  Thank you.

[GoldenRoole]

If you'd just gone cold turkey to get off heroin isn't it likely you'd be craving another fix about now? Crazy is addictive to us - the highs the lows the push/pull etc. You know what you'll get if you return, but your current pain still makes it appear the lesser of 2 evils! 

Go to the gym, book a holiday - visit family out of state. Just do what you gotta do to distract yourself while you detox from him!

Short term pain for long tern pain buddy! 


Fanny

Yep!  I did/am doing those exact 3 things.  It really does help.

[Driver]

Goldenroole, may I ask you something? 

Can you give me one golden rule?

[Invictus01]

Dude, here is all I'll tell you. BPD or not, you only break up once. If you shattered a fine wine glass into a million pieces on a kitchen floor, can you put it back together so that it looks the same? Nope. A relationship is that wine glass.

[Rmbrworst]

He physically assaulted you.

The end.

It's over.  That is NEVER excusable.  I am also a gay male going through a BPD breakup however mine was the quiet shy type and discarded me, but no less painful.

Gurl, we can do better.  You do not need this hot mess taking you down.  

I also miss my exBPD even though he lied to me, cheated on me, got back with his ex the day he broke up with me, the list goes on and on.  It's hard to seperate the loving feeling from the logic.  I even found a blog he keeps in where he has admitted to using men for sex and company even if he doesn't love them. 

Yet I still miss him and I still have feelings for him.  It's hard to think someone so sweet and loving could also be so malicious and callous.  He never took responsibility for his actions, and that's what hurts the most.  No closure.

Reach out to me here in private message if you want someone to talk to.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you LonelyAstro. Sounds like your experience was truly painful and I have a gut feeling R was doing something similar.

As so many people have told me, I shouldn't presume that had the relationship endured things would have been as wonderful.  I've also heard and read that BPD people often begin to start devaluing and changing rapidly after around the 6-month mark.  The physical assaults, his current alcoholism as well as his DISTANCE (he's in the UK, I'm on the east coast of the US) should actually make this a no-brainer for me. Sigh.

I just hope I don't give in and break no-contact.  I'm gonna read your post every time I get the urge to reach out to him.  Thank you.

The devaluing process is different with each person, but it always happens at some point.  Sometimes it's faster than their last r/s, sometimes slower.  There's many reasons for this.  Just because they last longer with someone doesn't mean they are "better", it's just that something has slowed the process (there can be many reasons).  But, the end result is the same: the r/s fails.

I'll give you my example. J has moved on to L and is in full, rapturous love with him right now.  This is after 2 months.  How well can you know someone in 2 months to be "head over heels" in love with someone in 2 months?  I mean, really, think about it.  They are so attached to each other, so in love, and it's currently a 2 way street for them... .right now.  In her mind, he's everything she's looked for in a guy.  I know what they're going through because I've been there.  It is rapturous.  It's intoxicating.  It's unbelievable.  And the most painful part is, it's all real. Every bit of it.  Until it isn't.  That's when the world stops, when it ends. For some of us, it happens overnight.  For others, it's a slow burn.  And it hurts, regardless of how it happens.

By the time this happens, we're so hooked, so attached, that we never saw it coming.  I know I didn't.  We had had our ups and downs, but when she 'left' me, we had had a great couple of months. We were inseparable.  The last week we were together, we had more sex than we ever had before.  Then it was over.  That's why I went into a tailspin.  I had a fear in my own mind she would leave and when I let go of that fear, it came true.

You're lucky in the sense that you're a couple thousand miles from him.  I would give almost anything to be that far from her.  Then I wouldn't have to see the aftermath of it all.  But that's what I get for dipping my pen in the company ink.

Now here we are, she's been seeing L since December and all the while keeping me in a state of confusion. What this tells me is that she isn't being truthful to L, me, or herself.  There's just no way she's been truthful with L about me.  No way. Unless he's just that much of a pushover.  And if he is, then he'll probably be with her for a good while, but what kind of quality of life will he have a few more months in?  Sure, she's on her (mostly) best behavior now, but that will change (whether she believes that or not, it will). 

Take my word for it, just stay away man.  It just isn't worth the head or heart ache.

[Learning Fast]

GR,

All of the above posters offer wise and experienced counsel.  Additionally, we remember what it was like at that critical 2-3 week period where your heart trumps your head.

As FannyB recommended, engage in something/anything to take your mind off him.  Catch up on relationships/interests that may have been unintentionally neglected or forgotten while you were together.  Use the LD factor to your advantage in breaking away.  I have a monthly desk calendar at work where each morning I would cross off the prior day as one more day behind me.

At two weeks I was still very raw and vulnerable.  I remember walking by all of the Valentine's stuff at a local store back in mid-January and immediately feeling sentimental and emotional.

I'm now 6 weeks NC and can tell you that it is exponentially different than 2-3 weeks.  I had read many posts at that 2-3 week period that had mentioned exactly the same thing. I was dubious until recently when I happened to be at the exact same store with the exact same V day stuff and felt virtually nothing.

Don't be too hard on yourself as you detach.  Remember:  Time + Distance = Clarity and Objectivity.

Best wishes, continue reading and keep posting!

LF

[GoldenRoole]

Thank you Learning Fast (and to everyone else) for talking some sense into me. 

"Time + Distance = Clarity and Objectivity"... .I like that.

I'm surprised he hasn't tried to contact me to ask for another chance.  At this point I'm not so sure I'd be strong enough to resist.

Rmbrworst:

"Gurl, we can do better.  You do not need this hot mess taking you down."  You made me chuckle.  But, really, all I need to bear in mind is what you, Lonely Astro and experienced post-breakup.  If I'm hurting now, I'd probably lose my mind if I found R had being doing the same types of things (which, he probably was). 

[Rmbrworst]

@Golden

Please remember, he punched you.  Someone who truly loves you will never become physical with you.  Never!  That is so unhealthy.  Not the mention the other entitled things he does.

You say you are not sure you're strong enough to resist.  Please try.  If you ever have thoughts of going back please try and reach out here instead. 

Gay men suffer from low self esteem more than any other demographic.  Try to get therapy and work on your own issues.  I share some of the same issues so I'm not judging.  We need to love ourselves more.  It's not okay to have this in our lives hon.

Much love