Hi Kells,

I have stuff around feeling powerless that goes back to childhood as well. My mom had BPD, and there was a lot of insanity/abuse/powerlessness in my childhood. It's clear to me that's part of why I got together with my ex, though I didn't consciously recognize that she had BPD at the beginning.

I don't have a sense of feeling "trapped" at this point. Though I did before I walked away from the remains of the relationship 7 months ago.

There are elements of the situation that still require some degree of ongoing communication with her - the major one being our son (my stepson). I've basically been his primary support within the family since she started the affair - it's pretty clear that she jumped into the affair in part to numb her distress at his situation, and that left me as essentially his caregiver (everyone else in the extended family basically condemned him and broke contact). Also, I agreed to her request to go for a walk in a natural area with her every 2-3 months. It's clear that she wants much more contact, but I've maintained my "minimal contact" boundaries pretty readily, refusing all requests she's made to spend more time with me.

Anyway, at this point, for me, there isn't a sense of trappedness or resentment, of being stuck in the situation and being "forced" to watch it go down.

But there is extreme sadness as I watch it. Both in regards to her worsened mental health and, especially now, her physical health - the COPD.

A funny thing... over the 25 years we were together, how I felt about her went through different long phases. There was a long period, after the honeymoon ended and her problematic behaviors became clear, where I felt quite ambivalent about staying in the relationship. Then, in about the last 5-7 years of the relationship, that changed - I came to a place of accepting that this is the way she was, and of loving her deeply, despite that (with a sense of choosing to be in the relationship, despite all the difficulties it brought). Who knows what would have happened if it wasn't for the particular confluence of circumstances that ended it - but it felt like things were gradually improving before that happened.

Just to get on the same page, I'm not sure about that -- I haven't asked the kids. He certainly does have a problem with giving the kids alcohol. I don't know if he himself has an alcohol abuse issue or not. I know Mom has gotten drunk in front of the kids at home, and they also know she has smoked pot (legal in our state), but I haven't heard the kids volunteer anything like "Stepdad drank and then drove" or "I saw him drinking before he raged".

findthewayhome,

It took me quite a while to get from the intellectual realization that I needed to divorce to coming to accept this in a deeper way in my heart and gut and soul. This process cannot be rushed.

Nor can you divorce because your therapist thinks you should, even if you agree! Sometimes I felt I went from listening to whatever my husband said to whatever the therapist said. It's still a process to think for myself, to balance listening to others with knowing when to discard outside advice--but so, so much easier now that I'm not living with an unhealthy, abusive person.

Even once I really knew I had to leave the marriage, initiating the divorce and telling the children was excruciating. Feelings of guilt and fear are normal.

From this side, I can say the divorce, while a huge change and challenge, has helped my children. Now they are in a safe, stable, loving environment where they can be children for half the time. There was something honest about the divorce, too, that helped the children.

That went through my mind too.

I didn't really understand psychosis until my therapist explained it, and the parenting coordinator assigned to our case brought it up too. They both saw signs of psychosis in n/BPDx. I didn't realize how much "hiding in plain sight" can go with psychosis. n/BPDx went to work, cooked, drove, showed up in a suit to court. But his words were bizarre, like he wasn't  fully clocking all the facts and had a poor grasp of the context and certainly no sense of consequences. It was terrifying because he's the father of my child but it was also extraordinarily vulnerable at the same time. I kind of think that vulnernability is in part what made him feel so dangerous. n/BPDx seemed to sense that people were responding in strange ways to him but he couldn't place why.

n/BPDx's worst psychotic episode happened the night that led to him losing custody of S22, who was 11 at the time.

It's concerning that stepdad, like n/BPDx, has a substance abuse problem.

SD26's psychotic episodes were not dangerous to herself or others. My T thought those episodes were actually important because they got her real help, putting her in the care of psychiatrists versus a therapist BPD mom picked who refused to talk to H.

Hello HimalayanMouse and

As you're finding, this is a great place to "get it out on paper" in a nonjudgmental, supportive, understanding atmosphere. So many members here have walked in your shoes; you're not alone in trying to figure out how to have a relationship under the most difficult circumstances.

One thought comes to mind about this question:


You picked up some solid approaches to the silent treatment: decline to manage whatever he's feeling (allow him the opportunity to manage it himself), and decline to hop on his roller coaster, wherever it's at on the track. That's good stuff; both are choices under your control.

An additional possibility to consider is that silent treatment is him doing his best to manage his out of control emotions. He may be low-skilled, so where another person might be able to articulate "This isn't your fault; I just feel so overwhelmed that I'm going to take a break for 24 hours, and I'll check back in with you then", he can't do that. He's operating at the upper limit of his skills (impaired due to BPD) and that looks like him stonewalling/doing silent treatment.

What if you reframed those times less as "he's punishing me" or "I must have done something wrong" or "how do I get through to him", and more as:

"What a relief! I get a break and he gets a break!"
"He's taking time for himself; I get to do that, too."
"How can I take care of myself while he's apart for the moment?"
"What would I like to do for myself in this time?"
"This is a signal for us to take space for ourselves; we'll come back together later"

Maybe it can take the pressure off of you trying to "fix" the silent treatment, if you "retrain" yourself away from "I have to fix it" and towards "yay, I get a mini-break"? (perhaps not that enthusiastic, but you get the idea  )

Any of that sound do-able?

Really glad you're here and felt ready to open up, too -- not always easy.

That's an impressive library!

If you haven't read Bill Eddy's Raising Emotionally Resilient Children When a Parent Has BPD/NPD -- that one is good too. In a nutshell, it's about modeling flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderate behaviors. That, and I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms is excellent, especially the section on asking validating questions. In addition to the books you've read and the one kells76 mentioned, you'll have a solid in-depth grasp of validation as the navigation helping lead your child to her real self.

Recently I learned about a new skill that's also been super helpful called declarative language. There's a book called Handbook of Declarative Language that is designed for younger kids with social communication issues but I use it for all relationships and it's kinda amazing. It includes things like "I noticed ... ; I wonder ... ; Tell me more about ...'

I'm told the reason communication skills like declarative language and validation are so important is that they lower threat so that your child's real self can develop. Kids with a BPD parent are kind of in a permanent state of threat assessment and will trade off figuring out who they are in exchange for security. I wouldn't underestimate how important it is that you have 50/50 and a kid who feels safe being herself with you.

The peer stuff through middle school will likely determine which way D11 takes this stuff. If you're really worried, what do you think about reaching out to the guidance counselor or family specialist to share your insights? A really good GC can be an ally for you and your child that kind of exists outside the dynamic you and your ex are in, and they're skilled at understanding how confusing tween/teen identity stuff is.

SD26 experimented with transitioning between 16 and things phased out somewhere in her early 20s. H's approach was to slow walk things as much as possible and to not give anything steam. Today she looks like a girl, goes by her given female name, is in a relationship with a BF, talked about having a baby. I believe she identifies as non-binary but she's been trans, gay, and bisexual too. We kind of shrug. It would be different if she wanted to take drugs or get surgery and thought it was headed that way until it wasn't.

Thanks for your insights. I will look into those links and see if it does help.

I agree that it's not important what this behaviour might be labeled or categorised as. However, based on my limited knowledge I believe this reminds somewhat of BPD (or at least BPD personality traits). I am fully aware that I am not in any position to diagnose anyone, but I found this behaviour quite extreme and haven't really experienced something like this before. 

Reagarding her reaction to my last message, I assume this is her gaslighting me to try to downplay / deny our history in order to "come clean" if her new boyfriend got this info somehow. It probably would raise some questions from his side that might be hard for her to answer given the timeline of everything. She hasn't contacted me since that (4 weeks ago), and I am quite sure she never will (at least that's what i hope). Why would she do that when she's pregnant with her new boyfriend?

Hi @subwaytune

Yes, that is a good/list summary of some of the fallout from this kind of relationship
I agree that a lot of this kind of thing is coming from the dynamic involved. It is the person with BPD's strategies combined with the other persons... Being the 'other' I've come to realize that I can really only control my own reactions/actions and I need to focus on improving my strategies for handling this aspect of my life and dealing with my own areas for improvement.

Notably, I need to somehow improve my ability to tolerate conflict such that I am not living in constant fear; along with learning how to set boundaries so that her instability is not what drives the entire dynamic of our household.

I also need to build additional support in my life such that I no longer feel so dependent on this one relationship to function emotionally.

The key is to propose solutions.  When she rejects solutions, have alternate solutions ready.  In this case, if she rejects OFW, then the agreement should be clear on what tools will be used for calendar, expenses, and general communications.

The upside is, when she inevitably wants to talk, you get to say "please put it in writing..."

And if you cannot amicably come to some agreement and need to go before the judge, your atty is in a good spot to say "my client has proposed a, b, c... " and then your stbx needs to explain why OFW isn't acceptable...

I think they have an "open" relationship and SD has a girlfriend so, he'd have to act OK with the mother having a BF. Even if he's not OK with it, he'd have to appear OK with it since he has a GF apparently.