Would like for BPDWife to get job

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I would like for my BPDWife to get a job.  It would give her more interaction with others, build her confidence, make her less dependent on me, and maybe even bring in a little more money.

She has a college degree and other specialized licenses.  She is extremely smart and can pass any test.  She keeps applying for jobs like caregiver, baby sitter, factory assembly line.  There are all positions that will either be low pay with a long drive or long hours and a grind on her body.  I have been very encouraging to her.  I encouraged her to attend some schools.  She enjoyed them and did very well.  There were open positions associated with the schooling.  She did not followup on them.

She seems to be hunting the lowest pay, most personally degrading, self defeating thing that she can find.  I sent her an email encouraging her and telling her how smart she is and how well she presents herself.  She never even acknowledged that I sent the email. I sent the email because she twists up what I say and I wanted to avoid an argument.   

Has anyone had similar experience?  What advice can you give or light can you shed on the situation.  Normally I would leave her alone to do whatever it is she wants, but a job for her could help our lives.  It would do a lot for her.

[tired-of-it-all]

I would like for my BPDWife to get a job.  It would give her more interaction with others, build her confidence, make her less dependent on me, and maybe even bring in a little more money.

She has a college degree and other specialized licenses.  She is extremely smart and can pass any test.  She keeps applying for jobs like caregiver, baby sitter, factory assembly line.  There are all positions that will either be low pay with a long drive or long hours and a grind on her body.  I have been very encouraging to her.  I encouraged her to attend some schools.  She enjoyed them and did very well.  There were open positions associated with the schooling.  She did not followup on them.

She seems to be hunting the lowest pay, most personally degrading, self defeating thing that she can find.  I sent her an email encouraging her and telling her how smart she is and how well she presents herself.  She never even acknowledged that I sent the email. I sent the email because she twists up what I say and I wanted to avoid an argument.   

Has anyone had similar experience?  What advice can you give or light can you shed on the situation.  Normally I would leave her alone to do whatever it is she wants, but a job for her could help our lives.  It would do a lot for her.

[tired-of-it-all]

I could truly use some advice on this one guys.  Anyone out there been through it?  Any suggestions on how to proceed?

[Octobersonya]

I sent the email because she twists up what I say and I wanted to avoid an argument.   

Hi there,

The only thing I can relate to is that I also send emails when I have something important to say because otherwise almost always we argue and my concern would be twisted and somehow my fault. Writing emails haven't done much good since my UBPDHusband responds to my emails in pages and pages describing the horrible person he thinks I am and saying things that are so untrue and inaccurate that I just shake my head at the emotional over reaction. 

Somehow after sending the hate mail he feels better and instantly changes to the sweet man I love and adore. Leaving me so confused, how can someone stand to be married to and sweet to someone they feel so much hatred towards? I was relieved to learn about BPD, it's not my husband who over reacts super sensitive defensive and over reacts ... . it's the disorder.

Not sure if this will help or not but I just wanted to share how I related. I can understand how going to work would help your wife and your family.

Also, my husband and decided after our son was born, that I would stay at home (I was IT Consultant that required traveling 75% of time) and raise our baby (18month) until he goes to school.

Take care and good luck 

[hergestridge]

I understand that you would like to help and you'd like her to get a job. I have been in the exact same position with my BPDw.

However, trying to give her advice or encouragement is pointless.

In her world, encouragement equal lies. Until you encourage her enough, then she becomes convinced. But not convinced enough, because she will hold you accountable for everything you said about her.

She can never genuinenly think a good thought about herself, which is the reason why she prefers superficial flattery over sincere compliments.

What I did with my wife (she did exactly what your SO did BTW) was that I told her that she could apply for any job she wanted, but she'd better get a job that she could keep up with in the long run and that would give enough money for her to pay half of the bill and for her to buy those clothes I know she likes to buy.

All conditions clear. She didn't like it one bit, but that was the only way I could find to stay in a relationship with her and not be a doormat.

[GaGrl]

My husband is a financial advisor ( a career after his Army service and AFTER his marriage to The Dark Princess). It might be worth a consultation with a Certified Financial Planner to talk about long-term goals and how you as a couple get there,

[tired-of-it-all]

Gagrl,

Thanks. Just read a number of your posts. Your husbands situation gives me hope. He got rid of TDP and found someone who obviously has loads of sense and emotional maturity. I wish you both continued blessings and happiness.


To Hergestridge, thanks. Your explanation that encouragement equals lies helps a lot.

[cobaltblue]

Mine did this same thing. Looking for lowest paying jobs, applying to many only to show me the rejection notices so I would shut up and stop hounding her. As the Non partner, we can't know why they do this. In my case I filed for divorce and her attorney told her if she wanted to win custody she had to show she could partially self sustain. But she did not get a job until four months after I filed.

We went through the discussions about contributing to bills, etc. for five years. Doesn't matter. You're expecting this person to think logically and as if they are an adult in a mutual relationship. They are not logical. They are not an adult. They are a 16 year old in a 40 year old body. As such they need it to be all about them.

You won't change this about them and you will go crazy trying to. She's not getting a job because she doesn't want to get a job. She's applying to shut you up so you stop bothering her.

[hergestridge]

Discussions are pointless. It only worked out when we stopped takling about it. I didn"'t ask my wife to please start paying her half.

[AlwaysFrustrated]

Don't look for the any reasoning with it. I have a similar situation.  I am fortunate enough to make enough funds that my wife does not need to work. I was hoping to encourage her to work to just add some enrichment to her life.  I told her anything you want! Take some college classes! Take fun ones like photography, cooking, art. Ones with no grade!  Anything to enrich herself.  I have been concerned she will fall into depression and further drinking when our final child begins full time kindergarten.

Instead she comes back with, Wawa cashier, over night stock person.

In the end I believe it is two things.  One these are positions with low expectations, so no anxiety with not achieving. Two, she is looking for me to "defend" her and say, "My wife should not be working in that position"

Like hergestridge said the discussions are pointless, push too hard and she will blame / hate you. She has to decide on her own like a teenager.  By the way if she remembers you suggested it and it has made her / your life better you will still get yelled at, so don't take it personally.

[tired-of-it-all]

Thank you to all who have responded.  It has been a great help to hear that some of you have dealt with the same behavior.  I question myself.  I start to think that my wife is really trying but that she just doesn't know how.   Hearing that you have experienced similar dysfunction in the area of job search shows me that she is playing her game.  She knows better she is trying to sabotage the process again.  She doesn't want to work.

I have had experience with other adults that showed me that you cannot make someone who doesn't want to work get a job.  You can only make it where they wish they had a job.  Like make them homeless, then they want a job. 

[cobaltblue]

"She knows better she is trying to sabotage the process again.  She doesn't want to work."

BINGO. I've been trying to get mine to work for over six years. She has a Bachelors Degree and is not disabled. Yet every year the jobs she applies for are minimum wage. She does this because she knows they will reject her for being overqualified. Then she'll show me the rejection letters and say, "See? I can't even get a low-paying minimum wage job!", then after I stop harping her about it, she stops applying. A year later I'll try again. She does the same thing.

The only, ONLY thing that got her to get a job was me filing for divorce in January and her attorney telling her the only way she would be able to get sole custody of kids would be if she had a stable job. So she got any job, low pay. My sense is after the spousal support kicks in she will conveniently "lose" that job because she wants to be taken care of. You gotta understand, these people went through neglect or trauma or abuse in their childhood. That's the age when they stopped developing emotionally. So if it happened at 12 or 15, you're looking at being married to a 12 or 15 year old living in a 40 year old body. Why should they have to work? It's not FAIR! Daddy can just take care of me. None of the other kids has to get a job!

"I have had experience with other adults that showed me that you cannot make someone who doesn't want to work get a job.  You can only make it where they wish they had a job.  Like make them homeless, then they want a job."

You cannot. You can give them an ultimatum that if they don't get a job by N date you will divorce them, but that's more likely to trigger a splitting episode as they perceive abandonment. I did not give an ultimatum. I just reached a point where it wasn't going to happen so I had to decide whether I wanted to live in a relationship with a 12 year old or not. Life is too short and there are thousands of adults out there.

As a 12 year old, it is impossible - IMPOSSIBLE - for them to fathom that in a relationship or marriage it's about a partnership. As a child, it's all about THEM. It has to be. And when you make it not about them, they will find someone who will.

You know what my BPDw said when I had her served with divorce papers?

"So... . You're breaking up with me?" (she's in her 40's, not in middle school... . )

If it wasn't so sad to hear the 12 year old vocabulary, I would have died laughing... .

They CANNOT grow up emotionally, so we need to decide if we can be married to a teenager in an older person's body. Yeah, sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's exciting and spontaneous. But when you start taking on adult responsibilities and they are not capable of doing so or resent you for it, it gets old really fast.

[tired-of-it-all]

UPDATE - NEED ADVICE

Okay folks, she has taken a job babysitting overnight with an elderly couple.  This is three night per week.  The location isn't bad.  The pay is better than minimum wage.

Now she is talking to someone else about day sitting kids in a town 30 miles away.

I have been very nice.  I don't want to criticize her but these kinds of jobs are stupid.  She has a degree and a specialized license.  She is extremely intelligent and is very good at writing and book keeping. 

Do I let it go and say nothing?  Do I try to encourage her to do something different?  Do I ask why she is taking these jobs? 

My inclination is to let it run its course.  I suspect in a few days or weeks she will tire of this.  Either that or she will like being away and file for divorce. 

I wanted her to work to have the interaction with others and to feel good about herself.  I wanted her to have to work on her people skills.  I wanted her to know that she can succeed in the world.

Any advice is appreciated.

[cobaltblue]

Not to state the obvious, but she's going to be gone three nights per week overnight and days 30 miles away. And you're absolutely sure she has a job? Lying and manipulation are big parts of this disorder.

[tired-of-it-all]

Time will tell.