dazed and confused - is it me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife has suffered from depression for about a decade plus. A little over a year ago, she underwent genetics testing and long psychological profiling interview. Once concluded she suffered severe depression; the other concluded she had depression and BPD. An earlier therapist had concluded she was bipolar.

Reading forums such as this one, I see a definite pattern of BPD behaviors.

And I just feel emotionally beaten up. At various times over the years, she has suggested that I was making her depressed. Either it was because I refused to have more kids (I have two, she has one), or wasn't hot on marriage (I'd already been divorced once), or something else. Most often, the charges came when she began to feel better - or up. Then, she'd suggest that I didn't really like her, or something to that effect. Her depression has been pretty debilitating- and there have been three hospitalizations for suicidal thoughts over the past three years and numerous days in which just getting out of bed has been a struggle for her.

But when she is up, she is planning for the future with grandiose schemes and when I don't immediately share her excitement level, then I am the problem. I am letting her down. I don't love her.

A few weeks ago, she confronted me about this. She said that I was a wonderful, kind man and a great partner when she was depressed but maybe not so much when she is feeling better.

She said my communication skills are awful (and it is true, but I often feel myself walking on eggshells with her, worried that anything I say may send her spiraling back to an awful low). I shouldn't have,but I brought up the BPD diagnosis. She became enraged. Angry that I hadn't said anything about it for a full year (so, did I think she was crazy for a year and never said anything about it?). She later said she looked it up and she definitely was not BPD. She suggested that I was at fault for avoiding couple's therapy. (It's true. I am an introvert and worry she would talk circles around me. She has already admitted to me that she can pull the wool over the eyes of any therapist). In addition, now that her daughter has left the house, my wife has struggled with my parenting approach and become quite resentful of my teenage son. So, last week, she left for a vacation, saying she would be gone several weeks, maybe longer.

This is a real challenge, as it came a week after my teenage daughter, in a desperate cry for attention, attempted suicide at her mother's house. (Both of my kids had said in the past year that our house often felt desolate when they came home from school, with my wife either up in her bedroom or otherwise isolated and unfriendly - she has never bonded with either of them).

My wife told me she needed to take a break from me and my kids the week my daughter was in the psychiatric hospital. My daughter is at home now with me and I am doing all I can to take care of her and keep her safe and secure so she can heal emotionally. I am good at that.

But I am wounded. And I am so confused. I worry that it is me. I look around and see few friends. Our social life has really dwindled. When we got together, it was mostly her friends we hung out with, as she wasn't very keen on mine. But even those relationships have faded, as she has so many times canceled plans at the last minute.

I'm going to try to use this time to regain my footing, but I feel very confused. Is she right? Perhaps she just suffers from depression and now that it seems to be responding to medication, perhaps the problem really is me.

[jadedcat]

My wife has suffered from depression for about a decade plus. A little over a year ago, she underwent genetics testing and long psychological profiling interview. Once concluded she suffered severe depression; the other concluded she had depression and BPD. An earlier therapist had concluded she was bipolar.

Reading forums such as this one, I see a definite pattern of BPD behaviors.

And I just feel emotionally beaten up. At various times over the years, she has suggested that I was making her depressed. Either it was because I refused to have more kids (I have two, she has one), or wasn't hot on marriage (I'd already been divorced once), or something else. Most often, the charges came when she began to feel better - or up. Then, she'd suggest that I didn't really like her, or something to that effect. Her depression has been pretty debilitating- and there have been three hospitalizations for suicidal thoughts over the past three years and numerous days in which just getting out of bed has been a struggle for her.

But when she is up, she is planning for the future with grandiose schemes and when I don't immediately share her excitement level, then I am the problem. I am letting her down. I don't love her.

A few weeks ago, she confronted me about this. She said that I was a wonderful, kind man and a great partner when she was depressed but maybe not so much when she is feeling better.

She said my communication skills are awful (and it is true, but I often feel myself walking on eggshells with her, worried that anything I say may send her spiraling back to an awful low). I shouldn't have,but I brought up the BPD diagnosis. She became enraged. Angry that I hadn't said anything about it for a full year (so, did I think she was crazy for a year and never said anything about it?). She later said she looked it up and she definitely was not BPD. She suggested that I was at fault for avoiding couple's therapy. (It's true. I am an introvert and worry she would talk circles around me. She has already admitted to me that she can pull the wool over the eyes of any therapist). In addition, now that her daughter has left the house, my wife has struggled with my parenting approach and become quite resentful of my teenage son. So, last week, she left for a vacation, saying she would be gone several weeks, maybe longer.

This is a real challenge, as it came a week after my teenage daughter, in a desperate cry for attention, attempted suicide at her mother's house. (Both of my kids had said in the past year that our house often felt desolate when they came home from school, with my wife either up in her bedroom or otherwise isolated and unfriendly - she has never bonded with either of them).

My wife told me she needed to take a break from me and my kids the week my daughter was in the psychiatric hospital. My daughter is at home now with me and I am doing all I can to take care of her and keep her safe and secure so she can heal emotionally. I am good at that.

But I am wounded. And I am so confused. I worry that it is me. I look around and see few friends. Our social life has really dwindled. When we got together, it was mostly her friends we hung out with, as she wasn't very keen on mine. But even those relationships have faded, as she has so many times canceled plans at the last minute.

I'm going to try to use this time to regain my footing, but I feel very confused. Is she right? Perhaps she just suffers from depression and now that it seems to be responding to medication, perhaps the problem really is me.

[maxsterling]

I can say with 99.95 certainty that it is not you.  I'm guessing we have all had similar feelings.  Whether your wife has BPD or not, it's clear she has a serious issue with self image and depression. My girlfriend goes through similar, and my reactions are like yours.   I fear her killing or hurting herself.  Why?  Because she has attempted twice (before I met her), and I have seen her make self harming gestures and statements, even once telling me, "If you leave I will kill myself in your living room and it will be your fault."  I am just like you.  When things are bad, I feel like I need to do everything I can to save her live.  And when she is doing better, I don't want to say or do anything to jeopardize that peace. So, I don't communicate.  I don't say what is on my mind, because I don't want that deep despair to return.  I don't want to talk about marriage, or having kids, I just want the calm to remain.  But she gets mad at me for never bringing relationship things up.  I wouldn't call myself an introvert, but I do consider myself a little shy and self-sufficient.  I'm not used to being around people who can't tend to their basic needs.  I'm used to doing my own thing and letting others do their own thing. I've never been one who is quick with words or likes to argue.  But dealing with BPD I am forced to do all of that, and I just feel so uncomfortable sometimes. I do know that my tendency to be quiet and self sufficient is not a bad thing and is not causing her issues.  It's pretty clear she has had these issues all her life, with friends, family, co-workers, and previous boyfriends.  And just like all of them, I know I am incapable of fixing her problems or making things any better.

[jadedcat]

I think part of her taking this break now is due to some thought on her part that she maybe influenced my daughter negatively. But the desire to escape has always been part of her talk. It is hard for me to reconcile with the BPD stuff - but she very often when things are bad or she feels bad has talked about running away and disappearing. That seems counter to typical BPD behavior.

Huge emotional responses to things I finally say, well, that happens often. As does her poking at me, trying to get a response. I can tell now when she is going to start doing that. I can tell by her expression and the way she rocks in a chair that she is getting wound up about something.

So few people outside of the two of us know what is going on. Her family knows about the hospitalizations but I don't feel any of them know suspect the BPD stuff. And when she has to, she can put on a happy face. Our minister told me last week that he had such a hard time believing she had depression! This in spite of her three hospitalizations. Our friends likely think the problem is me. Perhaps it is.