Struggle after BP Self Harm

[flowerpress88]

Hi - First Post.

Been dating my D-BPD-GF for just over a year now,  and recently she self harmed. She has in the past, but not while we've been dating. She's done a full course of DBT (completed about 1 yr ago), but have slipped on keeping up with the skills and are under a very heavy workload.

The self harm coincided with some very stressful work on my end also (I work in events), I was struggling with my workload and made it clear I wasn't able to support them in this period (roughly 3 days of events b2b) - doing my best to express a boundary. They were in an 'emotionally dysregulated state' and I was dealing with more work than I could handle, after some heated exchanges on the phone I hung up after being shouted at, I really did not have the time to deal with the situation at that point (very tight deadlines).

After the weekend was done (my stress levels back low) I found out that she had cut herself, at first I was very supportive but after some time mulling it over I felt like the only way to describe it was shock. I kept in touch daily but expressed a need to take time for myself after a stressful weekend, and was glad to see that they had made plans to restart therapy and get help from friends and family.

I said I needed some time alone to think (few days of LC), there's really two things that I'm struggling with.

1 - I've never really known someone to self harm before, and though I'm not responsible for the action its hard for me to untie my stress levels and intermittently stressful work, with their decisions. I strongly Identify with the line in the relationship questionnaire "(bpfgf) overwhelmed when person (me) preoccupied". When its crunch time for me she seems to struggle the most, feels like a level of dependency combined with me not being in the most supportive space. I worry that in the future if we have children, jobs, mortgage - the stress levels could be 10-100x what they are now, and I worry that she might go further than the self harm induced this time. It scares me and I don't really know what to do.

2 - Because I feel confused and scared I've decided to take some time to myself with limited contact with bpdgf, we typically call every day and see each other on weekends, but for now I've tired to make it clear that i'm not guaranteeing any level of communication, unless I feel comfortable, which has been daily messaging and checking in and a few phone calls.

I worry that i'm just pressing 'silent treatment' as a punishment, but equally I really don't know what to say to bpdgf, I'm not certain about the future of our relationship as I still feel a sense of shock and responsibility and don't want to promise anything until I can feel more clear. They are clearly stressed out by the situation and want more clarity on my end, but i really don't have the clarity and don't know what to say.

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I'd really appreciate any guidance for taking a 'break' (still monogamous, just limited communication so i can look after myself and they can self soothe/ focus on their own support network). And how I might come to better understand self harm and feel more at peace in the relationship.

Thank you.

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