Today I spent my day in a hospice and my ex bpd had feelings but showed understa

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So today I spent my day in a hospice with my dad I hit 30 this year and seems like a tough start to it, My ex bpd partner we have low contact and not reversed our realtionship as of the moment he seems to analysing everything since his diagnosis and has drove pretty much ever person away by his reactions and behaviours, I am currently still an off let and understand what he says and means are entirely different at times and he has asked for help I've agreed to support him, he's also been pretty unfavourable to my family and has got to the point of a little understanding it's taken a while but we have been good friends for 17 years, and I'm proud of the progress he has started to make in his life choice and rage control in other environments, today he feels we are too far apart/drifted away. I'm currently trying to also be there for my dad as his last days are here my ex bpd hates my dad, And I can't speak to him at the present as he has been pretty disordered, I don't want him to feel pain and I don't want to lie he doesn't understand and I fully understand that, but I just actually don't know what to Say without him thinking it comes back to what he feels or me not being there as he thinks I need or explaining that it's important to me to be with my dad without his needs completely being validated I have saidat the present I know your hurting and it feels terrible for feeling that way and then asking what would help make him feel better? then I get dont worry about it. then a bombardment of how he deserves better than being second best  so I am now stuck on the validation or how to valid but not being invalidating at the moment. I would really like some advice, I don't want to cause him more pain or feel past and present at once but I really want to be with my dad at the moment and make sure my children are also included if they choose or seek help with their own grief of their grandad.

I just needed to vent a little,
thank you for being  there and a outlet yo speak how I feel and hopefully some advice.

Takecare Bpd family

[Kayteelouwho]

So today I spent my day in a hospice with my dad I hit 30 this year and seems like a tough start to it, My ex bpd partner we have low contact and not reversed our realtionship as of the moment he seems to analysing everything since his diagnosis and has drove pretty much ever person away by his reactions and behaviours, I am currently still an off let and understand what he says and means are entirely different at times and he has asked for help I've agreed to support him, he's also been pretty unfavourable to my family and has got to the point of a little understanding it's taken a while but we have been good friends for 17 years, and I'm proud of the progress he has started to make in his life choice and rage control in other environments, today he feels we are too far apart/drifted away. I'm currently trying to also be there for my dad as his last days are here my ex bpd hates my dad, And I can't speak to him at the present as he has been pretty disordered, I don't want him to feel pain and I don't want to lie he doesn't understand and I fully understand that, but I just actually don't know what to Say without him thinking it comes back to what he feels or me not being there as he thinks I need or explaining that it's important to me to be with my dad without his needs completely being validated I have saidat the present I know your hurting and it feels terrible for feeling that way and then asking what would help make him feel better? then I get dont worry about it. then a bombardment of how he deserves better than being second best  so I am now stuck on the validation or how to valid but not being invalidating at the moment. I would really like some advice, I don't want to cause him more pain or feel past and present at once but I really want to be with my dad at the moment and make sure my children are also included if they choose or seek help with their own grief of their grandad.

I just needed to vent a little,
thank you for being  there and a outlet yo speak how I feel and hopefully some advice.

Takecare Bpd family

[Notwendy]

I am going to speak from the context of having lost a dad.

This triangle- that somehow your love for your father competes with your BF is fabrication on his part. You can love your parents and your partner and your children. It doesn't diminish the love you have for anyone.

His behavior is classic Karpman triangle, possibly escalated by the attention you have on your father instead of him.

In addition, probably a lot of emotional energy is focused on him, but in this case, you too, are emotionally stressed and YOU need support. This changes the dynamics. He can't be in victim position if you are needing support yourself.

Also from the perspective of having experienced this kind of dynamics between me, BPD mother, and father at the last days of his life, the most important thing right now is for you, your kids, and your father to spend time together, for you to take care of you, and your children at this difficult time. Do not take away from your attention to your father because this grown healthy man can't handle it. 

You only have one dad. Don't let this person take away your attention from your father.