triangulation blues

[khibomsis]

This morning I got up, made my tea, took my cup back to bed and started surfing Fb. It is my usual morning ritual. Only to find Ms Triangle posting on beloved pwBPD's page. This triggered ALL my stuff. So I unfollowed beloved's page.  

Update on how I moved myself out of triangle:  I said "All the experts agree that what you are having is an emotional affair and the standard advice is the two of you must stop seeing each other." I did not ask that because Ms Triangle is said to have cancer (may even be true), but also because beloved's response was "She is the only real friend I have".   Which, unfortunately, is observably true. Apart from her fruitcake family, beloved's life is littered with broken relationships, one dysregulation and people tend to move on. She is usually good at forging new friendships, but right now with interviewing therapists and about to start DBT, stress levels are at a record high. The hope of healing can be stressful in itself if you see what I mean. Me, I compare to my life, rich in friends and family, there is never a time I do not have somebody to call. And I have this place to grumble about her  So out of compassion I did not set this boundary.

There were some practical considerations also, it makes no sense to set a boundary I cannot police while we live in different cities. And I figured that the friendship inevitably is going to fall apart on its own dynamics, it has reached it's half-life already and is on its way out. To make it a point of conflict between us when they could be fighting each other over MT's narcissism would be shortsighted. So not just compassion but common sense.  

Instead I set a boundary based on my own needs, I said " I need her out of my mental space, she triggers ALL my stuff". And beloved has been really good about observing this. This took the energy out of the triangle, MT's use in the relationship has so far been to make me jealous and give them both attention. So having stopped that was great for us, removing myself from harm also removed the reason for the triangle's existence and hopefully is hastening its demise.

Instead I reminded myself that it was my choice to be with someone whose disease profile inevitably involves triangulation.

It worked until this morning, with lots of meditation, exercise, firm resolution and CODA meetings. Now I wonder. Should I mention to beloved that I have unfollowed her? Or just wait upon events?

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[Harri]

Hi khib!

I would not say anything.  Not to keep it secret.  I see this as falling under your statement of "this triggers all my stuff" and beloveds willingness to support you on that. 

[khibomsis]

Thanks Harri! Indeed you are right, that is exactly what I have done. My first responsibility is to shield myself from triggers, I know one cannot totally avoid them but when the likelihood of finding one is high I have a responsibility to myself. If I don't hold it together the relationship will not survive.

Have not mentioned it to her, should she ask about it I will reaffirm the boundary.

So far all has been peaceful. Long may it last !

 
Khib

[once removed]

its important to know that triangulation is about a cycle of drama, and the way participants in it are interacting with each other.

its not necessarily the same thing as a "love triangle".

and its not entirely clear that that (love triangle) is what this is.

its a relationship that makes you uncomfortable. that much we do know.

the question is why. is there a history there of improper behavior on the part of your significant other? are they exes?

[khibomsis]

Why, dear OR, is jealousy. It is incredible how primal one can become, I have dreams about this woman that shock me with their primeval violence. Had no idea this stuff was in my subconscious.

We were friends for well over a decade  before we started dating so I thought I knew beloved pretty well. Since then, I have pieced together more about her relationship history from the bits she drops here and there and indeed she has a cycle of about two-three years before she sets up the  discard. With hindsight, I think that is about how long the partner can tolerate the dysregulations. I made a point of contacting her ex when we started dating to make sure I was not one of those situations. Who promptly blocked me and is not speaking to either of us anymore, so heaven knows what went on there. 

When I discovered the emails, I asked beloved about it and she said in almost so many words that she was setting up Ms Triangle in case I could not take care of her. Their friendship began exactly at the time  I had the accident, was concussed and headed for financial meltdown.

So I am much better these days, and beloved left those e-mails open on my computer shortly after Ms T's cancer diagnosis. A conversation I overheard made clear that whatever Ms T may want, she is being friendzoned. One follows the BPD logic, and indeed I can't argue with it. Beloved can be very high functioning under the right circumstances but needs a lot of support to get there. I too don't really see her managing on her own. 

I still think their emotional involvement is way over the top, daily texts or calls is not something I have any intention of accepting in the long term. But for now, I feel it is better to let them sort themselves out. Coming the heavy would leave them both with delusions about the other which are better sorted by the cold reality of the day-to-day. Also letting beloved clean up after herself, emotionally, I feel is the best way to ensure this does not happen again.

I profoundly distrust Ms T because from my own observations I know she knows beloved is married and also of beloved's diagnosis. So I think she is in the highest degree unscrupulous.She comes across as very narcissistic and manipulative, is herself going through a divorce and may like keeping beloved around until she can date more seriously. I don't know what beloved has told her but still, to entangle at this point does not speak well of Ms T's character.  Which is why I don't want that energy in my space. I am focusing on the great Khib life reclamation project involving everything from back taxes to debt to codependency, so am really rationing my energies.The last thing I need is more crazy.   

Thanks for asking the right questions! Always 

 
Khib


 

[Carguy]

Hey Khib!

I just read your post and it reminds me of my ex. Like your beloved, mine not only struggles with relationships, but friendships as well. Being in a small community I found out from others in the past that her romantic relationships, (the ones I know of) outside of her two marriages and our relationship, only lasted a month or two. From what I have witnessed in the last four years, close friendships have about the same life expectancy. Her current new best friend will likely be devalued too. She has a lot of distant friends but usually no close friends. Same with family. The only family she has in this area is her father and she has not been on speaking terms with him in over a year now.

I think what you did is smart. And I agree with not telling her that you unfollowed. I found out that after a year-and-a-half, my ex BPD unblocked me on Facebook when she did that recent 180. I was wondering why but now I believe she did it so she could Facebook stalk me a little. I decided I'm not going to say anything or worry about it.

[once removed]

the issue here, still is not entirely clear to me. bear with me.

you say you have overheard conversations. you say you read emails. what happened? what was said?

you say your partner describes this person as a friend (the only friend she has), has made clear that this person is friendzoned, but also told you, more or less, that she was setting things up to leave you for her.

thats a big discrepancy. has she changed her mind?

you also say youve accused your partner of having an emotional affair, but youre thinking its better to unfollow your partner for now, let the two of them communicate and expect that things will burn out. do i have that right?

[khibomsis]

Thank you Carguy for your fellow feeling! I know you are going through a tough time right now and am sending you positive energy. The problem with responding to  push/pull behaviour is maintaining consistency, but if one can get it right indeed it brings results.

OR,  I am sorry I have been so confusing! Was trying to hit the main points and leave out the boring detail. You are right though, BPD is in the detail.

OK, so Ms Triangle is a new friend, has been in the picture for the past year and a half, roughly since I was in an accident. And at first I thought not much of it, seeing as we live in different cities. I mean, if you are going to have trust issues in an LDR you are going to drive yourself crazy. But there were a few suspicious behaviours along the way, they went on vacation together with another friend, for instance. So I asked "what does her partner say about it?" . No, she has a boyfriend (who does not get jealous of women).

Beloved bumdialled me once, I heard her mention me to Ms T as "my wife" before sadly the phone went off. I don't feel bad about it at all because I could have shouted my head off and neither of them would have heard me. Would have been curious what was said about me, and could not for the life of me understand why I was being spoken about at all, but hey, I had concussion and was not noticing much. Besides, at the time we were on a break, so I did not feel in a position to make a fuss had I heard anything.

Then Ms T starts posting on beloved's fb page, stuff like "I have two tickets to this event" or "Thanks for all the love on my birthday. "And I spoke to beloved saying "this is really not on, no boyfriend is going to put up with this. " I certainly wasn't. Then it turns out Ms T is separated but not divorced from her husband, who lives next door.    

By this time, beloved is visiting me, they are either texting or calling every day. That is when I was well enough to start having concerns about the level of emotional intimacy. Way beyond best friend level. Still, I overheard a conversation (mostly beloved would go into another room or wait until I was asleep to call, but this night I was up late) where it was clear that Ms T was trying to be lover-like but beloved was having none of it.  Then came the text that Ms T had cancer. A couple of weeks later I found open e-mails on my computer  and found messages to indicate that at one stage they were calling each other lovers (while we were on a break) but that soon ended and the rest of the e-mail chain was relatively restrained. So we talked about it and it came out that beloved was setting up Ms T in case the break turned into a break-up. Because she was not really sure how I would recover from the accident.

So, I set my boundaries (don't want this woman in my mental space), only to find Ms T still posting on beloved's fb page. And that is when I unfollowed her.

I do still check and like her page occasionally, but it is a decision on my part when I feel ready to confront the presence of Ms T. Still no word about it. I feel happy that it is a choice. Mostly I pretend Ms T doesn't exist, but am making no moves to split them up. For many reasons I feel it would be cruel to force beloved to go NC with her. I would not want it said that Ms T was abandoned while she was ill. And beloved has made Ms T now aware of her diagnosis. Smoothest push/pull job I have ever seen   So in my head it is just a question of who will dump whom first.

On the whole I feel good about my approach. It is hard sometimes, that is when I remind myself that I choose to be with a person who is going to create love triangles as part of her response to things. I am certainly much better since I decided to no longer have to hear about Ms T this, and Ms T that. She is out of my life. Beloved will make a decision about beloved's life in due course.  

A couple of minor dysregulations, beloved self soothed out of the one and I talked her down from the other. There have been a few low-level (not really good at spotting these because they are so different from the nuclear wars we have been experiencing ) agitations which both of us have just flowed with. Otherwise perfect peace. In fact she is doing just great in the business we run together. In that sense  the approach seems to be working.  

Hope that all  makes sense now? Any advice warmly welcomed from the Zenmaster of BPD  
 
Khib

[once removed]

A couple of weeks later I found open e-mails on my computer  and found messages to indicate that at one stage they were calling each other lovers (while we were on a break) but that soon ended and the rest of the e-mail chain was relatively restrained.

a few more questions. bear with me.

can you give us some idea of what the messages said?

what led to the break between you and your partner? how long was it for?

do i have it right that "ms t" has a husband shes separated but not divorced from, and had a boyfriend?

[Carguy]

Thank you! Sending positive energy your way as well and hoping for the best for all of us!