Still holding on?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was thinking today and something I realised is that for whatever reason I simply HELD ON way too long.  This is something I'm working to figure out as it tells me something about myself.  Something that is not only about this relationship. 

First I held onto the r/s with all that I had, despite how destructive it was, and later I held onto the fear, the pain, the heartache and betrayal as if they defined me.  They kept me somehow still linked to him even when there was no question that I would ever take him back.  That pain and turmoil kept us connected somehow, as if it was a way for me to hang onto the r/s that I knew I could never have.  Because a part of me was still invested.  I thank my lucky stars that in that time he didn't turn up to ease my pain... .

I came across a wonderful story on the site, which is in a thread about JADEing and I think applies really well to this situation.  It's called the Monkey Trap.

One of the easiest ways to catch a monkey is to place a banana in a glass jar. The monkey's desire for the banana will lead his hand to get stuck when he tries to pull the banana out. Being of simple mind, he won't realize he has to let go. Even in the face of danger he will hang on to the banana, thus making him easy to catch. 

In the early stages, before we split up but when it was clear really that things were never going to improve, I think my banana was simply the r/s, which led me to the pain and anguish.  Further down the line, I think my banana became the pain itself, the feeling of being a victim, the blame that I placed on him for all the impact in my life.  That banana was a way to keep that invisible link between us.  Somehow to keep a connection to something that wasn't real and couldn't ever be.  My banana was keeping the nightmare ever present in my life.  I was reliving traumas daily and eventually I had to let it go as it wasn't serving me and frankly was slowing me down.

Are you holding on to a banana?  Do you recognise what your banana is?  What is holding on causing for you?

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

I was thinking today and something I realised is that for whatever reason I simply HELD ON way too long.  This is something I'm working to figure out as it tells me something about myself.  Something that is not only about this relationship. 

First I held onto the r/s with all that I had, despite how destructive it was, and later I held onto the fear, the pain, the heartache and betrayal as if they defined me.  They kept me somehow still linked to him even when there was no question that I would ever take him back.  That pain and turmoil kept us connected somehow, as if it was a way for me to hang onto the r/s that I knew I could never have.  Because a part of me was still invested.  I thank my lucky stars that in that time he didn't turn up to ease my pain... .

I came across a wonderful story on the site, which is in a thread about JADEing and I think applies really well to this situation.  It's called the Monkey Trap.

One of the easiest ways to catch a monkey is to place a banana in a glass jar. The monkey's desire for the banana will lead his hand to get stuck when he tries to pull the banana out. Being of simple mind, he won't realize he has to let go. Even in the face of danger he will hang on to the banana, thus making him easy to catch. 

In the early stages, before we split up but when it was clear really that things were never going to improve, I think my banana was simply the r/s, which led me to the pain and anguish.  Further down the line, I think my banana became the pain itself, the feeling of being a victim, the blame that I placed on him for all the impact in my life.  That banana was a way to keep that invisible link between us.  Somehow to keep a connection to something that wasn't real and couldn't ever be.  My banana was keeping the nightmare ever present in my life.  I was reliving traumas daily and eventually I had to let it go as it wasn't serving me and frankly was slowing me down.

Are you holding on to a banana?  Do you recognise what your banana is?  What is holding on causing for you?

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Harley Quinn,

In the early stages, before we split up but when it was clear really that things were never going to improve, I think my banana was simply the r/s, which led me to the pain and anguish.

Many of us on the this board have struggled one way or another and I had a difficult time accepting that it was really over, we were together for several years and seperated several times and each time I returned back home and nothing was really resolved. She would push and the time allowed her to return to baseline and it gave me a chance to recharge my batteries because I was emotionally exausted.

So when she told me that she was going to get her own place and she wanted a seperation I just thought that she'd just come back, I mean we had already gone through this several times but out of frustration I set a hard boundary, get help or we're getting a divorce and that was the catalyst for the inevitable end. Through all of the pain and anguish in the r/s and after the r/s I was still attached to her and didn't want to let go, I just didn't want to accept that this was the end. It felt like a scene in a movie where the actor is drowning and they're fighting for their lives, I was fighting against reality.


PS Good topic! 

[FallenOne]

I "held on" too... I think we hold on because like an addict, we are chasing that "first high" or the small doses of elevated feelings that we get from these people, that continually decrease in frequency over time... These relationships are the stuff of fairytales in the beginning, and we are always trying to get back to that...

We also hold on because we don't want our investment (time, emotions, money, resources) to be all for nothing... So, we feel that staying is the better option than jumping ship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Harley Quinn, I suspect my banana involved a need for keeping my family intact, at all costs.  Why did I have this need?  Maybe because it reminded me of a similar dynamic from childhood, when I kept my mother's affair a secret in order to hold my family together (as a kid, I didn't actually have any power to keep the family intact, but in my mind I did).  As an adult, I found myself in the same sort of quandary, because I kept my Ex's abuse a secret in order to be there for our kids and keep our family together.  I guess that I would have been easy to catch back then because I nearly destroyed myself by holding onto that banana.

LuckyJim

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi HQ,

For me the holding was about how I felt so accepted for who I am by him in the beginning- which is actually related to de difficult relationship with my mum. As I always wanted the acceptance of my mum. I didn't want to let that go. That feeling of being good enough with all my flaws and my mistakes. Now I'm working really hard on accepting myself for who I am.

I'm still in the process of totaly letting go. I've accepted that it takes time. I've come a long way, so I'll get there. When did you realize that you came to that point?

Goog topic!

XOXO
 

[Harley Quinn]

  I_am_Stacey 

Hi I_Am_Stacey,

Thanks for your reply and that's a good question!  As I've held on to a couple of bananas here I'll treat them separately.  I think that initially letting go of the relationship came about when I learned as much as I did in order to realise that things I'd initially imagined were unique and special about him and us, were in fact quite run of the mill when it came to a BPD r/s.  There was a large amount of acceptance required.  I chose to differentiate myself and start to invest in my own emotional health.  The DV and the support I got around that also helped my detaching and the realisation about his letting go caused me to look at myself and wonder why it is I would still internally hang onto something that was effectively already out of my grasp.  Yes this man suffers with his illness and I empathise with that, however he also has capacity to know right from wrong and he overstepped that mark in a big way.  In that respect this showed me how little he genuinely valued our r/s and I guess this was the push I needed to let go of it too.  Seeing him with his new gf underlined for me that I was free of the banana, as I felt nothing but elation to have gotten through that moment unruffled.  

The second banana I'd grasped onto was the pain and anguish over all the impact on my life and the blame I assigned to him for this.  The letting go of this banana came when I truly began to examine my own part in all of this.  I'd willingly (and for many of the reasons you guys have shared above) walked into this situation and allowed it to unfold in the way that it did.  I was equally responsible in my eyes for the outcome of that.  This is when I started to 'woman up' (or better still, 'person up' and walk forwards instead of treading water with this confounded jar stuck on my hand.  It was dragging me down and I recognised that.  When something is serving no purpose only to hinder me I want to be quicker to jettison it and do the work on WHY I'm holding on to this - to be sure I am not going round in circles (which I have done for many years).  Previously I'd been moving from one destructive r/s to another because I had deep rooted needs I wasn't addressing and owning.  

Now I've let go of the pain, the blame, any misplaced hope for the r/s and have turned the spotlight fully on myself.  It's scary to hold that mirror up to ourselves sometimes, but has been effective in severing that invisible link to him and the dream we both wove for ourselves.  Nobody else is responsible for my life, my choices and actions but myself.  I can choose to not be hurt by others indefinitely, carrying that with me always, and instead to ask myself 'What did I learn from this?'  I know myself better now and am acutely aware of my weaknesses, fears, areas for improvement, AND my strengths.  I'm clearer on my core values and am learning to value myself enough to honour these.  Forgiving others and ourselves is an important part of clearing the decks and giving ourselves opportunity to move forwards without the baggage.  Being present and grateful are also means I use to keep me centred and grounded.  

It does take time, as you say, so it's up to us how we use that time.  How do you use the time to help yourself with your own letting go?

Love and light x    

[toomanydogs]

What a great topic! Thanks, Harley Quinn.

My banana was (and still is) the memories of when we first got together. The acceptance. We joked about leading with all our bad traits first:

H: "I have huge abandonment issues."

Me: "Me, too."

H: "Mine are worse."

Me: "I doubt that. Mine go back years."

Another banana: His eyes when I first met him.

I held on to those bananas so long, totally ignoring how exhausted I was getting, how any good connections we were having were so overshadowed with his going berserk. (More politically correct: with his getting activated and unregulated.)

And now as we head to divorce, I still hang on to that banana of when we first met, and why won't he try? Why does he want to throw ten years away? What am I going to do with myself in my mid-60s?

This is just so hard.

TMD

[StayStrongNow]

I held on until I realized it was not love but merely an infatuation, addiction and obsession.  This is why it was so hard to break away from the uxBPDw.  As in any addiction it took a good 2 years plus of abstinence for improvements to occur in my life.

[vanx]

Thanks, this is a comforting thread, as I am holding on too. The banana is feeling seen and loved, needing to be accepted by someone else. It felt so real--wish I could believe or accept if it was not. The lesson is I need to meet these needs myself. So far, I have been unsuccessful but maybe it can be done. Maybe it will all make sense someday. I guess what it comes down to is it's me doing the grasping. It's up to me. Thanks for this thread. I was feeling alone lately but now I feel understood reading from others.

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi HQ,

Sorry it took me a time to reply: but I find that although this board has been a huge help to me in the past year and a half, it's also one of my 'Banana's'. So I'm not on here every day anymore. The board gave me a great deal of support and reading about BPD and others who where going through the same really gave me a lot of relief and understanding. But over time it kept me stuck in the same place. Until I realized I wasn't living life: I wasn't looking out for ME. It was all about him, understanding him. But I needed to look at my part in all of this.

The second banana I'd grasped onto was the pain and anguish over all the impact on my life and the blame I assigned to him for this.  The letting go of this banana came when I truly began to examine my own part in all of this.  I'd willingly (and for many of the reasons you guys have shared above) walked into this situation and allowed it to unfold in the way that it did.  I was equally responsible in my eyes for the outcome of that.  This is when I started to 'woman up' (or better still, 'person up' and walk forwards instead of treading water with this confounded jar stuck on my hand.  It was dragging me down and I recognised that.  When something is serving no purpose only to hinder me I want to be quicker to jettison it and do the work on WHY I'm holding on to this - to be sure I am not going round in circles (which I have done for many years).  Previously I'd been moving from one destructive r/s to another because I had deep rooted needs I wasn't addressing and owning. 

Now I've let go of the pain, the blame, any misplaced hope for the r/s and have turned the spotlight fully on myself.  It's scary to hold that mirror up to ourselves sometimes, but has been effective in severing that invisible link to him and the dream we both wove for ourselves.  Nobody else is responsible for my life, my choices and actions but myself.  I can choose to not be hurt by others indefinitely, carrying that with me always, and instead to ask myself 'What did I learn from this?'  I know myself better now and am acutely aware of my weaknesses, fears, areas for improvement, AND my strengths.  I'm clearer on my core values and am learning to value myself enough to honour these.  Forgiving others and ourselves is an important part of clearing the decks and giving ourselves opportunity to move forwards without the baggage.  Being present and grateful are also means I use to keep me centred and grounded. 

Wow! You've come really far! It is hard looking in that mirror and owning up your own bs isn't it?
 
I started innerchild-therapy - I won't tell you the whole story- and the fact is, I never looked out for me. so I'm not in touch with my feelings and, because I want people to like me so much for who I am, I'm affraid to show them the real me. In r/s this shows in how I just forget everything I stand for and my own values and boundaries. I keep pushing them. When I first realized I was going in the right direction when we recycled about 6 months ago. It felt off, everything I wanted was there, and it wasn't. I'd see through his bs, AND the words vs actions. Something clicked for the first time. I didn't want this and didn't deserve this. SO I ended it this time, before it got out of hand. It hurt, but I did it for ME. For what I stand for. This was a huge step in letting go of one of my Banana's. 

Thanks for your reply and that's a good question!  As I've held on to a couple of bananas here I'll treat them separately.  I think that initially letting go of the relationship came about when I learned as much as I did in order to realise that things I'd initially imagined were unique and special about him and us, were in fact quite run of the mill when it came to a BPD r/s.  There was a large amount of acceptance required.  I chose to differentiate myself and start to invest in my own emotional health.  The DV and the support I got around that also helped my detaching and the realisation about his letting go caused me to look at myself and wonder why it is I would still internally hang onto something that was effectively already out of my grasp.  Yes this man suffers with his illness and I empathise with that, however he also has capacity to know right from wrong and he overstepped that mark in a big way.  In that respect this showed me how little he genuinely valued our r/s and I guess this was the push I needed to let go of it too.  Seeing him with his new gf underlined for me that I was free of the banana, as I felt nothing but elation to have gotten through that moment unruffled. 

I went through a similar thing. As you know I work with my xBPDbf, and well, he's dating the daughter of a co-worker now. It's in my face. He kept blocking me, unblocking, all kinds of things and I just had enough. I erased everything from my phone, social media etc. He's only in my workphone, which I have to, but that one gets switched off as soon as I leave the office. I still don't know how it took me so long to realize that in fact, as you said: to realise that things I'd initially imagined were unique and special about him and us, were in fact quite run of the mill when it came to a BPD r/s. And a really important one for me: It doesn't define who I am.

How do you use the time yourself with your own letting go?
 

The thing I'm exploring now is that I am really angry. About a lot of things. About myself. Anger is an emotion I can feel and is an easy one for me. It's much harder for me to feel sad or, grief. I've to let go. Let go of the stupid things I've done, my past. It's a part of me, but doesn't define me. Do I make sense?

I'm not totally there yet.

I gave up smoking. I started yoga and learning to become an instructor. I try not to be so hard on myself.
Life is actually pretty awesome 

Thanks for the reply and insight HQ!

XOXO
 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi I_Am_Stacey,

I can understand how the board could become a banana and it's healthy to come and use it as you feel you want to.  Your reply is worth waiting for 

I'd love to hear more about your inner child work, if you decide to post about how you've found this experience and the benefits you've seen.  I'm always fascinated by different therapies and have done various types of energy healing etc. in the past.  It strikes me I ought to revisit some of this now and sort my chakras out... .

Something clicked for the first time. I didn't want this and didn't deserve this. SO I ended it this time, before it got out of hand. It hurt, but I did it for ME. For what I stand for. This was a huge step in letting go of one of my Banana's. 

Well done!  That IS a huge step and a very empowering one.  Whilst it hurts, it is also comforting to know that you chose the pain in the now over the worse alternative in the future of more long term pain and discomfort, breaking down of your self and your strength and resolve.  I left my BPD ex too, so also felt the mixture of feelings, however it was easier for me to get over I feel than it might have been had things continued for longer between us.

I've to let go. Let go of the stupid things I've done, my past. It's a part of me, but doesn't define me. Do I make sense?

Totally.  I can relate to this.  Sometimes my past has felt heavy on my shoulders and I have to remember to tell myself that whilst I learned from what I've done, I am not what I did.  It's freeing to let it go.  You are what you choose to be right now in this moment.  The past has gone and the future doesn't exist.  You're doing yourself proud with the boundary around switching off the work phone and getting rid of everything social media wise so that you can be free of any contact or urges when you're not around him.  It must be tough with the work related r/s he has and seeing all of this, however you sound like you've got a good handle on things.  Hats off to you.

I gave up smoking. I started yoga and learning to become an instructor. I try not to be so hard on myself.
Life is actually pretty awesome  grin

  right back at you!  This is wonderful and has me smiling from ear to ear!  I'm not sure anyone is totally 'there yet', as you say, however the fun part is the journey.  Keep going - you're doing great! 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

  toomanydogs

Hi TMD,

Your reply made me smile and also reminded me of the dread and self doubt I was feeling when I was leaving my ex.  I think it's natural to have those feelings or else we'd be somewhat robotic.  After all, you've put a lot of time and love into your marriage and it makes total sense to want to hold onto that.  I guess the million dollar question would be to ask yourself in reality what it is you'd be holding onto and would it bring you happiness.

In answer to your final question, my advice would be to now put that time and love into yourself.  A new beginning is scary and daunting, yet also exciting if we let ourselves dare to think of the potential it holds for positives for ourselves.  I love my peace and quiet now!  Nobody is interrupting me now as I type, asking whom I'm talking to and demanding my attention.  I am no spring chicken despite having a young son (OK he is at his father's right now, or else I'd not be able to get to the laptop  ) however now that I'm over the hump I feel like the world is my oyster.  There are endless possibilities.  All we have to do is take them.  I wish you as easy a process as is possible and encourage you to lean on us as you move through the emotions.  We're here.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for your reply.  Although my r/s was shorter and we didn't recycle as such, but had many blowouts where each of us threatened with it being over (to the point where he even laughed mid sentence when he again said it and verbalised 'I think we've both said it's over enough times to know it's not really over... .' I can relate to what you've said here and understand completely why that changing would come as a shock.

Through all of the pain and anguish in the r/s and after the r/s I was still attached to her and didn't want to let go, I just didn't want to accept that this was the end. It felt like a scene in a movie where the actor is drowning and they're fighting for their lives, I was fighting against reality.

This is a really good description of how it felt to you.  How did you alter that for yourself?  Did you take conscious steps and when did the realisation initially hit?

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

A new beginning is scary and daunting, yet also exciting if we let ourselves dare to think of the potential it holds for positives for ourselves.  . . . now that I'm over the hump I feel like the world is my oyster.  There are endless possibilities.  All we have to do is take them.

Nicely put, HQ.  It's a wonderful thing to see possibilities again.  I don't miss the drama, either!  When my Ex and I separated, I found out that I enjoyed "boring" nights at home without the expectation of a conflict.

LJ

[Harley Quinn]

I "held on" too... I think we hold on because like an addict, we are chasing that "first high" or the small doses of elevated feelings that we get from these people, that continually decrease in frequency over time... These relationships are the stuff of fairytales in the beginning, and we are always trying to get back to that...

We also hold on because we don't want our investment (time, emotions, money, resources) to be all for nothing... So, we feel that staying is the better option than jumping ship.

Hi FallenOne,

Thanks for sharing your experience.  I know what you mean about investing in the r/s.  I felt I put everything I had into it and that was one of the reasons for my reluctance to give up at the time when things were clearly over.  What do you think was the turning point for you, if you can identify it? 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

  Lucky Jim

Hi LJ,

As you can see I'm replying in no particular order in this thread  

I'm so glad you didn't succeed in destroying yourself by holding onto that notion.
 It must have taken great strength to let go.

Your post struck a chord in me as I grew up in a family unit (eg not separated/divorced parents) and my grandparents were solid.  It's gotten me thinking about how my parents probably stayed together despite my mum's (secret - or not so? - I was certainly aware... .) infidelity for the exact reason you describe.  In fact in past generations it was the 'done thing' and it pains me to think how many couples must have been unhappy and how many kids could have been affected by that.  I'm glad to hear that you didn't stay in that place, and can empathise with your feelings about wanting to keep your FOO together.  I covered for mum's lies and it ate me up inside how she could disrespect my father in such a way.

To some degree I think I put up with my previous ex backsliding in his behaviour for 6 months before asking him to leave out of the same obligation, until it became clear that this was going to negatively affect my son.  My ex did not make any secret of the way he treated me and was blatant about disrespecting (yes, a learned sore point) me in front of him.  Probably a blessing in the long run as I got him out and never looked back.  I wonder how different my situation might have been had I had children with my BPDex... .

So what altered your mindset in this case?  It must have been a tough one to overcome.

When my Ex and I separated, I found out that I enjoyed "boring" nights at home without the expectation of a conflict.

Same here.  I have a learned appreciation for the smallest things, like having nobody to defend myself to over my choice of TV programming (not that I often watch it, but do have my own tastes which didn't go down well), eating what I want, when I want and prepared however I like, the list is endless.  Just the freedom hits me most.  I read a quote somewhere that said:

She didn't know the weight until she felt the freedom.  

It stuck with me.

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HQ, I'm sorry to hear that, like me, you had to cover up for your mother's infidelity.  My father found out a few months after I did, so he wasn't in the dark for long, yet I could never bring up the subject with my parents and lacked the tools to speak to my siblings about it (they were away at college at the time).  Yes, it does eat away at one's core.  It's a terrible burden to place on a child, and I can't comprehend how my Mother could be so reckless as to expose me to her affair and ask me not to say anything to Dad about it.

For me, this experience colored my relationships with women and, in some strange way, made me particularly susceptible to a pwBPD.  Perhaps the same happened to you?

I have more to say but have to run!
LJ