Boundaries with returning to house to get things.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, no surprise, after the BU, and him leaving last weekend, we are having communication issues.

Today I was surprised to see him at the front porch.  This freaked me out.

To his defense, he had sent me a text stating that he was coming by after lunch.  (I did not look at my phone today)  I had previously asked him to please text ahead of time if he needed to come by, so he likely thought he did the right thing.

He was dropping off some things of mine that I could care less about, told him to keep actually, and getting some of his stereo wires.  Mostly though he came to water the plants as he is leaving for vacation and assumed they needed it.  He has always, justifiably, rescued the plants from my care throughout the r/s.

This is a PTSD trigger for me, to have someone unexpectedly show up at my home.  He knows this, however, he likely thought I read my txt.  I got visibly upset and undone, was frightened, overemotional.

I told him to quickly leave and get it over with. I asked, "do the plants look ok?" "well, I am taking fine care of them and will continue."  "If you are worried about them, please take them NOW!" "Now, I don't want them here!" "I don't have an issue with you doing things you need to do, but this isn't necessary, you've triggered my PTSD now, this doesn't help keep things calm.  I will take matters into my own hands and change the locks since you can't be respectful."

He looked sheepishly at me, was so confused, I felt bad. My reaction was over the top, I was irrational.

This all sounds silly, but being a person with PTSD, this really upset me.

Technically, even though he moved out, he is also on the lease and "lives here."  So he feels like he is doing me a favor by giving me the place for myself and I shouldn't complain that he wants to water the plants.

So I seriously racked my brain thought SET, DEARMAN, what the heck applies, how do I respond appropriately?

Well... .

So I started SET in txting:

I realize you tried to be considerate sending me a txt.  It must be confusing for you to see me upset.  (... .this sounds rediculous)... .anyway... .

It blew up in my face! !

Maybe the tools are only for the staying board?

[Sunfl0wer]

So, no surprise, after the BU, and him leaving last weekend, we are having communication issues.

Today I was surprised to see him at the front porch.  This freaked me out.

To his defense, he had sent me a text stating that he was coming by after lunch.  (I did not look at my phone today)  I had previously asked him to please text ahead of time if he needed to come by, so he likely thought he did the right thing.

He was dropping off some things of mine that I could care less about, told him to keep actually, and getting some of his stereo wires.  Mostly though he came to water the plants as he is leaving for vacation and assumed they needed it.  He has always, justifiably, rescued the plants from my care throughout the r/s.

This is a PTSD trigger for me, to have someone unexpectedly show up at my home.  He knows this, however, he likely thought I read my txt.  I got visibly upset and undone, was frightened, overemotional.

I told him to quickly leave and get it over with. I asked, "do the plants look ok?" "well, I am taking fine care of them and will continue."  "If you are worried about them, please take them NOW!" "Now, I don't want them here!" "I don't have an issue with you doing things you need to do, but this isn't necessary, you've triggered my PTSD now, this doesn't help keep things calm.  I will take matters into my own hands and change the locks since you can't be respectful."

He looked sheepishly at me, was so confused, I felt bad. My reaction was over the top, I was irrational.

This all sounds silly, but being a person with PTSD, this really upset me.

Technically, even though he moved out, he is also on the lease and "lives here."  So he feels like he is doing me a favor by giving me the place for myself and I shouldn't complain that he wants to water the plants.

So I seriously racked my brain thought SET, DEARMAN, what the heck applies, how do I respond appropriately?

Well... .

So I started SET in txting:

I realize you tried to be considerate sending me a txt.  It must be confusing for you to see me upset.  (... .this sounds rediculous)... .anyway... .

It blew up in my face! !

Maybe the tools are only for the staying board?

[LimboFL]

Hi Sunflower, I am going to jump in here. You and I seem to be dealing with, at least from I gather, high functioning exBPD's and while I am not in your head, nor would I ever assume anything, my read of this post is danger. Not physical but rather emotional.

Everything I read in your post is that not only is he keeping the door open, but that so are you and, again, this is only my read, is that I sense that he kind of charmed you, not with overt actions but rather with his seeming calm and reason. That his respecting your request to text and his demeanor kind of softened you a bit. In no way, do I mean to suggest that you might fall back in but rather that you might be relaxing a little and allowing him to keep his plants there and leaving the door open for him to slide back in at his leisure, provided he conforms to your request to be texted, in advance.

You know my story, you know how deeply I love my ex and you know that I am not nearly out of the woods, yet, in terms of my emotional strength. Anything but complete nc is an imperative for me, because every time I think of her with longing, I replace it with a negative and hopefully the negatives, without hate or anger, are what take over and keep me reminded that, regardless of how it happened, that my relationship with her was bad for me.

It sounds like he did a pretty good job of breaking your initial defenses and this is not good. Yes, I hear anger but then it folds into apologies and a sweet jovial position.

It is my sincerest hope that I am not stepping out of bounds here, but please know that your well being is my only concern. In my view, he needs to take everything out of your possession, plants, any stragling stereo cables, everything. Even if he has to rent a U-Haul, one day and lease a storage unit. His crap needs to be gone. I guess it's too late now, because he is going on vacation (with the replacement?). In my view, if he has family in town, and even if you have to rent a bloody U-Haul and take his stuff over to his (brother/sister/parents/best friend/whatever), get his stuff out of your possession.

I don't know anything about the lease or what the arrangement was, but if I remember correctly (please forgive if I am not correct on this) this place is yours. You need to get his name off of the lease, stat. Besides his not having earned the right to have his name on the lease, it is a legal minefield your playing in. His next visit might not be so cordial and if his name is on that lease, as you stated, he has a legal right to be there.

Again, please know that I am thinking about you, from every angle here. Protect yourself. Again, like my ex, I don't believe that yours would do anything to harm you, but why risk it? Otherwise, his stuff, plants and all, need to be gone immediately and please don't apologize to him for your emotions. I don't know your ex but like mine, no matter how sweet she can be and no matter how deeply I still love her, she doesn't deserve any apologies from me. I apologized repeatedly throughout our relationship (she did on occasion too). I am not going to apologize for being angry, neither should you. They ripped our hearts out and think they have the right to think of us as "friends".

I am sorry if I misread your post. I mean only the best.

[Mike-X]

I initially dealt with pop-ins after my udxGF moved out. I told her that she could not do that and that she needed to contact me before hand and ask if she could drop in.

A quick Google search shows that people vary in whether they find pop-ins acceptable or not. I don't care for them. I might have plans, the house might be a mess, etc. So I established the boundary that she needed to ask.

[Mike-X]

Let me add that my ex told me that she would have friends pop-in at all hours when she lived on her own. She said would come home sometimes to have friends sitting in her livingroom waiting on her.

I have never allowed people to do this. And when friends have tried in the past, I told them that they should have called first.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you guys,

He just moved out last weekend it was all on "pleasant" terms the past month.  There was no ending animosity. He likely just is still mentally transitioning (as am I) and we needed to have an incident in order to know what is and is not ok for us.

("Pop-ins" are just an issue of mine and my anxiety issue... .not to do with HIM. My anxiety over the front door existed before him, not due to him.  I don't even welcome trick or treaters for this reason.)

He is maintaining his end of our rental/living agreement.  He is still paying the rent that he is legally obligated to. (I pay my portion too) Technically he "lives" here, I am not allowed to legally block him out/change locks, he knows this.  He is not looking to take advantage of that tho.

I do not for a second think that the behavior of upholding his rental agreement is an effort by him to recycle me.  He is doing his best to leave on terms that tells himself that "he is the good guy."  He will not shatter this image of himself.  He refused to take the vacuum, a small stereo, and some other things he should have, I'm sure, because he is accumulating a "good guy" list in his head to redeem himself of the guilt he feels for leaving.  He was devastated at the horror in my face because he thought it shattered his image of leaving as the good guy.

If I still sound like I'm in denial, yes, by all means, call me out on it!

Maybe this makes him more the NPD type vs BPD type in this respect, as he is consistently more focused on maintaining a "good image," than some of the others SO.  His BPD tendencies come to play in that he will NOT reach out to me because for him that = rejection/abandonment.  (As I've clearly set a boundary months ago that he is unable to meet, and he knows I won't drop this boundary)

Well, the result is, I don't think he will make that decision again.  I let him know that he did not need to tend to the plants weekly.  I told him he just needs to make ONE trip for the belongings in the garage and the plants at the same time.  (he is trying to sell some of his large appliances... .I understand why they are still in the garage)

I accused him via txt that his tending to the plants appeared disingenuous. Not my intention, however, this concept caused him to be furious and feel humiliated. (To think, being accused of wanting an excuse to hang around the house for wanting someone like ME!)  I am certain he will not be watering plants again, for fear of his own self humiliation of it.  UGH!  What a bizarree mind!