Being replaced by things instead of other people

[vortex of confusion]

I keep reading the threads about how partners with BPD traits flit from one person to the next without any regard for the non. As I read those threads and how it felt, I could really relate to the feelings. The only problem is that I felt like I didn't have any right to feel that way because "at least he wasn't cheating". I don't remember which thread it was but somebody said something about hobbies and then it occurred to me that my husband may not have replaced me with a romantic partner but he sure as heck replaced me with all sorts of activities. In the beginning of our marriage it was porn, but at least he wasn't cheating. Then, he got heavily involved in church and church activities, but at least it wasn't cheating and the activities were healthy. Then, it was a band which he pressured me to go to every practice and sit and listen to them practice. Some times, I enjoyed going but there were times when I wanted to stay home or do other things. If I said I didn't want to go, he would then say that he just wouldn't go to band practice. That put me in a spot where I was not only saying NO to him but I was saying no to his bandmates and letting them down as well. There was a men's group in there somewhere that he got obsessed with and spent all of his spare time with that. There was a period where he obsessed over placing online ads looking for women to talk to. For the last several years it has been computer games. Oh, and since he is in recovery and going to SAA meetings, I feel like I have been replaced by that.

It is like he replaces me with things instead of people because he is that incapable of intimacy and getting close to people. For the longest time, I chalked it up to us having separate interests because I felt like being hurt by all of those other activities was me being needy or pathetic. In hindsight, I feel like I was accurately assessing the situation. He was doing anything and everything he could to avoid emotional intimacy. He was hiding in all of those other things as a way to escape whatever it is that haunts him. I didn't want all of his time or attention. I just wanted to feel like he was plugged into the family. Heck, a couple of weeks ago, he couldn't take our daughter somewhere because he had some kind of battle/tournament scheduled in one of his games. His online game was more important that spending time with and doing something with his daughter.

[ATLandon]

It is like he replaces me with things instead of people because he is that incapable of intimacy and getting close to people. For the longest time, I chalked it up to us having separate interests because I felt like being hurt by all of those other activities was me being needy or pathetic. In hindsight, I feel like I was accurately assessing the situation. He was doing anything and everything he could to avoid emotional intimacy.

Yeah... .I get you on that one. Except with my uBPDwife she started replacing me with our pets. First we got a dog together as a couple, which was something we both agreed on. She didn't attach with our first dog as I think she had hoped and tried to get rid of her. I wouldn't stand for it since we rescued the poor dog and she already had been shuffled around different homes, along with the fact that I was bonding with the dog. Fast forward a few years later and we find a cute little dog and my wife decided to keep him against my insisting that we really couldn't afford it and it was a lot of work. A couple years later and my wife is calling me during my lunch break at work to say that she is at the pound and adopting a dog "to foster" whether I like it or not, she was just calling to let me know. 

Each a time a new dog came along, she would pay far less attention to the others and she would focus solely on the new dog, treating it like it was a child. Now that she has replaced all of us with an affair with our roommate, she is completely ignoring all 3 of our dogs and our cat, leaving me to care for them and having to remind her to spend time with them and help me care for them when I'm not around. Every time I come home my wife is in the replacement/roommate's room with the door closed and our poor dogs left to their own devices in the rest of the house.

[vortex of confusion]

ATLandon, I kind of chuckled at your story about the pets. Not because it is funny but because it reminded me of the first dog that I got when we were married. That dog did not like him at all and he did not like her. She was my dog. Anyway, he accidentally ran over my dog. I was standing there when it happened so I am pretty sure that it was an accident but there has always been a part of me that questioned whether or not it was truly an accident. Our next dog, we picked out together and that dog latched on to me too. When that dog passed away, we went to the pound to get our most current dog, he picked out the dog once again. Once again, the dog prefers me. It drives him crazy that the kids and the dog prefer my company. I tell him that it is because he ignores them and does not give them the kind of attention that I do. But, his games and everything else take priority over me and the kids and the dog.

I am so sorry to hear about you coming home to find her in your replacement's room with the door closed. Sending you a great big hug.   It reminds of the times that I would come home when we were first married and he would have the door locked with the chain from the inside so that I couldn't get inside. He would make some BS excuse but I know that he was on the computer looking at his porn and taking care of himself and would then be completely unavailable to me.

[Dutched]

I keep reading the threads about how partners with BPD traits flit from one person to the next without any regard for the non. As I read those threads and how it felt, I could really relate to the feelings. The only problem is that I felt like I didn't have any right to feel that way because "at least he wasn't cheating".

It is like he replaces me with things instead of people because he is that incapable of intimacy and getting close to people.

I partially relate to that Vortex as not all pwBPD cheat, like not all non's

But being replaced before with things, yes

After the outbursts took place every 3-5 months and me still unaware of Borderline, exw started to socialize more.

Back then, just out of concern, I warned her not to volunteer in too many activities, as exw couldn’t handle all the follow up anymore.

Later, after being aware of, I realized that my company was avoided, being replaced by activities.

Once I counted her appointments on the family calendar.

There were 180 entries…, so 50% of a all days in a year(!) madam was gone or too busy for US.

Including many Friday- and Saturday evenings.

Previously I commented a post about assimilating hobbies.

In every village/town we once a year celebrate “Queensday” now “Kingsday”. Since kids were a 4yrs. old, we participated the festivities. Later, kids find their own joy with friends, exw became involved in organising the event. Exw absolutely didn’t care about having Q-time as a couple. So kids gone, exw gone, dad… at home.

Since exw left, exw was seen with other man (before this soother) elsewhere.

With every outburst (even inner outburst) something breaks (for us too), the sabotage, the demolition of the r/s is born.

Emotionally they start to detach long before we even have the slightest idea.  

[vortex of confusion]

Emotionally they start to detach long before we even have the slightest idea.  

That is a good point! I find myself wondering if he was every truly attached to me or the relationship. It is like he wants me around as a shelf ornament rather than as somebody that he cares about and wants to spend time with on any kind of regular basis.

It pains me to be living in the same house as him while he spends most of his time sitting on his computer or finding other things to do that have nothing to do with me or the kids or even contributing to the household in positive ways. He will offer to help with the laundry but then I find forgotten laundry in the laundry room. He will offer to mow the grass and then he might get around to it weeks later.

I am at a point where I don't want to spend time with him either but at least he could be doing more around the house and with the kids. Nope, wrong answer. And he will tell me that he feels like he is doing so much better and he is trying. I just don't see it. We haven't been on a date since our 16th anniversary in June and that wasn't really a date as much as it was a day spent bickering. He was more interested in thinking about meeting up with some chick he met on the Internet. Before that, the only date we went on was in January.

He says it is because we can't get babysitting. I have put the kids to bed early and tried to plan stay at home dates where we got take out and hung out in the bedroom watching TV and talking. No dice. He ate and then promptly fell asleep. No talking. No cuddling. No sex. No nothing. I have let the kids stay up all night and sleep all day so we could have time together without worrying about babysitting or kids interrupting. Nope. No dice there either. He was on his games or talk was about our relationship.   When I say talk was about our relationship, it was more like we talk about him and his struggles and his recovery and his this and his that and him, him, him.