Advice

[Eva.Flora]

Hello guys,

I am back.

To once again ask for your advice.
Since my boyfriend's last outburst, I've come to understand that things are really not going to get better. They get worse every day.

It's very clear to me that we can't live together anymore. I need some time, I need to take care of myself and recover my mental and physical health.

He's at his parents' house and I'm at my parents' house.
I'm reflecting and rehearsing how to tell him this decision without causing too much damage.

I don't know if it's innocence of me to think I'll be able to avoid this.

I'm afraid of his reaction.
I'm afraid of what he might do with his life.

I would like an opinion from you.
I thought I'd call his mother to talk, explain everything that's been going on.
He lies to his parents and pretends that we're living the wonderland. NEVER let me tell the truth.
I think now is the time to do that.
Outbreaks are increasingly violent.
His parents know his “way”, but they don't know how much he's getting worse.

His parents are extremely strict. He had a very strict childhood.
He thinks his parents won't take him seriously that he needs help. He doesn't see how his parents have always helped him.

I think that would be the way to go, talk to the mother. Share everything with her and tell her I'm going to have to ask him to move back in with his parents.

Then I would talk to him, I'm very afraid of the reaction.
I'm tired, even though I love him, I know that continuing to live together will only hurt me and him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alterK]

It's natural for you to seek help in such a difficult situation, but is what you are considering wise? It's almost a given, that when a child has problems like this, their parents are in some way part of the picture. Do you really understand the role his mother plays in your BF's life?

What I'm asking is, are you certain you can trust her to make things better, or might she make them more complicated? What if it comes to taking her son's side or yours?

On the other hand, you say his parents are extremely strict. What if you tell them about your problems with him, and instead of intervening in a kind manner they blame him for behaving badly, and cause him even more distress?

If your BF does indeed have BPD, such folks tend to be very frightened of being abandoned. But...so much for him...what about you? You are entitled to a decent life, free from abuse and fear. You should do what you think is necessary to protect yourself. Of course, you should do it in as gentle a way as you can, but you should still do what you need to in order to make things acceptable for you.

[waverider]

There is usually no adult way of easing out of a BPD relationship. Everything is extreme. You just need to make sure you are firm in your plan going forward

[Suassíos]

I think Alter K is making some very good points here.

You make a statement about how your BF parents have treated him in the past. The reality is that you can’t make an accurate informed judgement about this, none of us can. We were not there we don’t have all of the information.

When my husband was very unwell, I asked his Mum for her advice and help with figuring out what was wrong and how to help and reassure him. I don’t regret doing that as I know it was motivated by genuine problem solving and respect for her and her knowledge and care as his mother.

But I did not know anything about BPD when I spoke to her the first times, and even as the diagnosis emerged it took me many years to appreciate how complicated relationships can be in families with BPD, not always, I am not putting every family into a box, but more often than not.

There may be a dysfunctional family dynamic that has contributed to your BFs Illness, and I would now with the benefit of hindsight suggest that you might stay emotionally distant from his family, and quietly observe the dynamics and stick to what you actually see and hear of how they behave, and watch for inconsistencies that might help you to understand the behaviours that may have been around your BF for his whole life.

It just might help you understand what’s going on and his experience, and why he may have been in situations that led to maladaptive behaviours.

Take care of yourself, with his family you don’t have to be involved or get involved. That’s ok!