Do I return? Do I respond? And many other questions….

[Firsttimefather]

Well I’m jumping the exiting relationship board and coming on board to here. I’m a bit conflicted and thought better to write here then text back or call my partner. 5 days since last contact and this morning I receive 2 text messages. One saying we need to resolve this issue 2.I want to move into the big room I think that would be fair. Okay so we have moved beyond ‘move out’ but I don’t know what to do. So far I have not responded. A quick backdrop my partner snooped my phone as some photos and receipts that she misinterpreted so she blew up with ‘it’s over’, when I tried talk to her about it she called 911 and reported DV but the police came and saw there was no DV (I have the report, it’s almost quite comical) going on 3-4 weeks later and I’m still staying on a friends couch.
 Okay so everyone says ‘fun’ , stay away. I love her incredibly so, but since this split I have become even more fully aware of the extent of the disorder and after reading countless stories on here and throughout the web, I see the many challenges that lay ahead should we continue. So does she want to continue the relationship? Ri truly feel there is no way we can continue to live together and not find ourselves back together. I don’t know what she has been up to in these last few weeks as I stayed away so what am I to expect if I chose to come back home. Right now I feel don’t make contact back yet, I don’t even read the texts as to show I have read them. The police issue is a big one I feel, actually the biggest whether we remain friends or partners. When we last spoke weeks back I suggested mediation through therapy to which she said she want no kind of relationship with me so didn’t see the point in T. I was really good to her, we were pretty great together. I could brush off the little stuff easy, let her be her. Never fought, never argued. Things were changing a bit as she adjusted her meds and I do believe that played a huge role in this latest episode. My true hopes? I honestly would work on us if she were willing to assist in helping build better supports to help deal with the disorder. There was so much in this last year, an abortion, dating site messages popping up, but also no guarantee she was cheating however let’s just say she reflects almost every Bpd trait I have read about but not to huge extremes. Almost seems like she was looking at old coping mechanisms but still just coming back to me, to us. It’s clear to me now that she really needed some space. She told the police the truth actually, owned up to that I wasn’t actually being violent she just wanted me to leave her alone and felt I wasn’t. But as a result of that she kicked me, phoned 911 etc…which really put me at risk and also tried a couple stand of emotional blackmail threatening horrible allegations such as wanting to report me for having sex with a minor, never mind that this never actually happened, not even close and I was totally faithful to this woman I consider the love of my life. Everything was about her, for her. I tended to me too but I now know I have room to improve in my abilities to be a partner to someone with Bpd and I’m not opposed to the challenge, to the work. But how should this communication start? I truly get why she called the police: impulse, fear reactions, push/pull but does that forgive it? Should I wait and see if she offers to go to T? Hours I respond at all? My thoughts are no for a few reasons. I don’t want her to think I’m at her beckon call but don’t want her to think I’m abandoning her or not open to ‘resolving issues’. In my thoughts bridging back home would require some apologies and some trust building with our families imo. We would need more transparency and need to address the small stuff a bit. It’s hard to know what she is asking from these texts. What problems? I know my problems etc, the moving of rooms is very funny to me. This came up in her last cycle too but I also find that a funny second text to send after mentioning the resolution of issues. Almost like let’s resolve this, ok I said it it’s resolved let’s switch rooms. (We also kept two rooms, mostly shared mine and occasionally she would want to sleep alone in the other room but that had a lot to do with graveyard shift as well as push/pull. We have been at it a year and I feel we are standing at a crossroads. If we choose to pursue our relationship I feel like playtime needs to be over and we need to take the situation more seriously: I.e-therapy, more intention toward the relationship from both parties….again hard to know what to think. I really would appreciate feedback. It seems like a recycle effort that could put me in a very compromising situation of coming back but not having clear definition of what our relationship truly will be. Do I go home and pretend to be friends and watch it evolve without doing what seems to be necessary work to me? Does she have me come home but decides this time she is going to date as well? I don’t want that nor do I want to live with that. I have been looking for a new place to live but rough time of year for that plus it’s Christmas and I do truly want to be with the woman I do love and have spent all year with. I did spend a lot of time in that year hoping for things to improve but again, they weren’t so bad, but is that followed by a ‘yet?’ Idk…anybody with success stories after a call to the police, etc? I’m not going to respond to those texts I don’t think, give it more time but man, hard to do it when you have been secretly hoping she would make contact. Btw we had on other mini split 6 months back and resolved and came home after a week no contact, though I wasn’t up to speed on NC then and the first week of it stayed in communication but also she was pregnant. I don’t want her to get the impression she can just split up and in a few weeks say ok come home and then have that repeat.. Not a how are you? Not a ‘I love you and miss you and hope you are okay’ which I feel would be a more appropriate start to communication and resolution. Will that come if I don’t respond this time? I have gained some new skills and better perspectives in this split and am diving more so in to me…living for me but I miss us a lot too though emotional abuse and blackmail, coercion and manipulation I can certainly do without. I always do feel I understand her, I get her; honestly I had a feeling last night was when I would hear from her and again I have gained better perspectives and understand the triggers and the subsequent results but the cops? Or is it ok to forget that as nothing really happened but an attempt at control and coercion, a pile of ptsd…the ‘delusions’ that led to it I believe are no big deal for sake of are they ‘dealbreakers’ no, just a misunderstanding, misinterpretation with no discussion just reaction and dichotomous thinking.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

This is the Bettering Board, so I will tailor my comments accordingly.

It sounds like you’d like to resume the relationship if she would agree to therapy. It takes an intense commitment and time for someone with BPD to improve with therapy. We are talking years, not weeks or months.

Do you think she would be willing to make that commitment?

If not, what strategies do you have in place to protect yourself from domestic violence, false accusations, and infidelity in the future should she repeat the behaviors you’ve already experienced?

[Firsttimefather]

Hello Cat, great questions. I honestly don’t think she would go. I’m a perfect world my hope sees that vision occasionally but in reality, as you said, it’s a long and arduous road. As far as protection from the allegations? Honestly I don’t think anything could protect me from potential say rape allegation, or dv. That chance rests upon a fault line and if the push/pull dynamic we’re to occur at the wrong time then easily I could be thrown under the bus. Also she wants to gain the house. It would be an easy way to get me off the lease and gain more support for her actions leading up to it. It is a slippery slope. If she did say, “let’s work on this”, all those points need to be considered for sure. I think however the swath of damage here is too large and too elevated. If you read my other recent posts on the detaching board, you will see how I received a half apology in regards to the 911 call. She also discussed her ‘discovery(delusion)’with her family and not one person amidst my supports is in favor of me returning. I would lose a lot of support if I returned I’m sure. Not to say we couldn’t try and rebuild trusts but it would take a lot of work and meanwhile life would continue to go on to the next catastrophe. I have learned a lot and I wonder how all this knowledge aids me in the days, weeks and years to come. So thankful for this place.