Hoping it's Not The Last Time I Ever See Her again...

[ConflictedxAMillion]

After breaking into my parents house to steal money, stealing money from her friend, and then stealing money from the bowling alley last week, my BPD21 and her boyfriend left for Texas (we live in Vermont) to go live with his parents.  It was very sudden.

My daughter has never been away from family and I'm sure even though she's the one that left - she is feeling quite alone and abandoned - her worse fear.

Couple that with herion addiction and she's going to be really losing it in a couple of days with all her feelings and emotions being intensified from the heroin addiction withdrawals.  We went through it in April and it was the worst thing to witness - the suffering that goes on with detox.

She told me if she didn't leave she was going to end up dead or in prison.  Even though this could be good - because neither one of them knows anyone down there as neither one of them have ever lived there before.  It's hard to get her to understand that becoming clean is something that comes from within... .if that's not there - than it will follow you to wherever you go and you will be driven to make the connection for what you desire. 

For me and her little sister it's been incredibly hard to say goodbye to her.  I know if she doesn't get clean and finds connections to feed the habit, it could very well be the last time I see her.  I think her little sister feels that too.  She is 14 but she is very smart and we have been very open with her about her big sister.

BPD21 hasn't been honest (of course) with me about doing heroin.  They abandoned the apartment they were in and even though it was not my responsibility to clean and hoe it out, I did.  And I found all the paraphenalia that they use to do the heroin - the little wax baggies it coes in and the short straws to snort.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Dear Conflicted,  I hope you hear from your daughter soon.  Does she have a cell phone and do you know exactly where they are staying?  I will be praying for you and your d the pain of this disease is just too much.  Sending you love and support mggt

[BioAdoptMom3]

My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family!   

[qcarolr]

I do pray for you to hear from your D, and that she will find some support with the bf's family to change her direction. This is such a hard thing for you and your family to face. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[nomoreoptions]

Drugs are horrifying.  My nBPDd recently began experimenting with hard drugs (heroin, crack) and others no more benign but legal after a horrifyingly devastating relationship disaster (even as her mother I can recognize how this could send my terrifically strong yet horrifically weak daughter off the rails). I confess, I spy.  she never logged off her tumblr page. She suffers from MDD, GAD, specific phobia, ED (thankfully dormant) and extreme hormonal imbalances for which we finally found the right birth control pill (after dropping out of one of the best private schools, trying to commit suicide, burning her flesh, bulimia, etc.) but had been better until the break up.  (I'm here because our son has uBPDp).

She seems to have turned it around herself, and her therapists, pdoc said she needed to be the one to do so.  I pray for you that your daughter has had a similar breakthrough.  And I can't imagine how distraught if my ill one was so far from me.  I feel for you, so deeply.  It is such a nightmare.  But I am thinking hopeful thoughts, because she did show awareness.  And that is so important.

[ConflictedxAMillion]

Thanks for all your support.

She has contacted me.  She is in full cold-turkey withdrawals from heroin.  I'm thinking she is handling it a little bit better this time because she is not around me/with her family.  I'm sure the pain and discomfort is still as bad as it was the first time but she's coping a little bit better because she does not want to give the bf's family (whom she's never met before now) a bad impression.

It is, nonetheless, extremely heartbreaking to know she's suffering so far away literally without anyone - except the bf - that she knows and loves.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, ConflictedxAMillion... .

Is your daughter's plan to tough these withdrawals out all by herself? I assume her boyfriend knows about her problems (is he going cold turkey, too?); do his parents have any idea that these kids are detoxing from heroin? I'm wondering if they have any access to medical care to help them through it?

Just asking; if his parents aren't clued into their troubles, they may just think the 2 of them (if the boyfriend is also detoxing) have the flu or something. If your daughter calls you to tell you she is in pain, I'm wondering if there are any detox clinics or services in the area they are living in now... .I'd just hate to see them go it alone if they are truly trying to detox. Or, maybe they are just detoxing until they find another source for their opiates in TX; did she mention anything about what their motives are?

I'm hoping his parents are able to see what is going on, and then loving enough to get the kids help so that they detox and don't go back on any types of drugs. I'll keep them in my prayers, and you too~~I know this is very hard for you, knowing your daughter's problems and the pain she is going through, and not being able to help her. Have you run any searches on addiction services in the area they are in, or do you not know exactly where in TX they are? Good luck to all of you 

[crumblingdad]

So terrifying.  As you've read I've been living some of this myself and there is just nothing worse then not knowing where she is, what she's really been doing and how deep the addiction goes. 

Have you witnessed her detox previously or have any idea how much she was using prior to this?  The chance of two individuals in a relationship managing through a detox without any medical facilities or support and staying clean has odds stacked so deeply against them. 

I truly hope she finds some help down there and things don't get worse.  Unfortunately, at some point the only thing you can do is step back and love them from a distance and let things follow the path they follow.

Do you have contact or ability to contact the bf's parents where she is staying? 

[ConflictedxAMillion]

I talked to the mother on Friday (for the first time ever) to verify if she bought them plane tickets (another thing my BPDd does is lie about EVERYTHING under the sun).  She confirmed she did and that she thought it would be better for them down there because the drugs are so bad where we are (in a Vermont city), and that perhaps a new start would help them out.  Apparently they have six months to find jobs and get an apartment of their own.

I'm not exactly sure how much the mother knows.  The kids tell me she knows they've been on drugs (but they don't tell her heroin).  And they know that my D was in Rehab (it only lasted 10 days). 

This was after I stayed with my D (and slept on a mattress on the floor for three days) while she suffered the detox on her own.  I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.  It was awful.

I did search online for detox centers where she is at in Texas but haven't found anything that might help.

The big news is a cop called me two days ago and wanted to tell that she had "an incident" at Walmart and that she's been cited to appear in court.  At the same time she admitted to him that she broke into my parents apartment and stole some money. I found out yesterday that she was also charged with that as well.  This was the day before she was to leave for Texas. 

The cop says to call the State's Attorney and explain the situation of why she's in Texas (to start over and hopefully get and stay clean).  And maybe he would work something out over the phone.  I talked to a lawyer who said don't believe anything a cop tells you - they are just trying to get rid of you.  The lawyer also said that they are going to want her to personally appear in court.  He said they would want her back here.  He did say that he wasn't "encouraging" her to be a fugitive from justice but that if that's what the plan is for her to get/stay clean and start over then she should do what's best for her, and if she got stopped in Texas that Vermont wouldn't want to pay to ship her back here.  He did say however, that if she got caught getting into trouble in Texas that they are pretty much the number one state for penalties and not fooling around. 

So at this point I'm not sure what we should do.  We did do a three way call with the State's attorney's office yesterday, but they had not yet received the information. 

On another note, I don't know how she'd get back here.  She has no money, and frankly she has kind of tapped me out (on top of the fact that my husband and I had our own business that took a nose dive in the past couple of years and we've gone into debt with that - like a lot.  Thank God he finally went to work for someone else - that's a huge stress relief. 

So like I said I'm not sure what to do now.  I have no experience with this kind of leagal stuff.

As far as the withdrawals, she did tell me that she was feeling a bit better yesterday.  Yes the boyfriend is in withdrawals too, but he handles it better than she does.  She told be she was feeling a bit better and that today her and her bf are borrowing the mother's car to go look for jobs.  I hope and pray that's ALL they go looking for.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Conflicted... .Thanks for the update. I'm glad that his parents know what's going on (pretty much) and that you are in contact with them. Your daughter's legal situation sounds precarious; can you tell her the new information you have from her lawyer, or have her call her lawyer to find it out? She really needs to be aware of her options, and know that she better keep her nose clean in TX or face the consequences of a more strict legal system than she's used to.

If her BF's parents can keep them on the straight and narrow, that would be very good; but I--like you--hope fervently that when they take the car to look for jobs that they don't get distracted in their mission 

It does sound like they are getting a second chance here; all you can do is pray that they are mature enough to make the best of it. Hang in there, Conflicted; I know the stress and fear we have as parents when our kids are involved with a whole underworld of scary life that we have no experience with 

[qcarolr]

Conflicted -

This is a lot you are involved in on behalf of your D.  It is so easy to get drawn into our kids legal troubles. As loving parents we really want to protect them with all our hearts. As others remind me, and I remind myself, that even though there is mental illness your D is still accountable for her choices. She does know the difference between right and wrong, the crimes your seem related to getting drugs. Can you do your best to stay out of the middle?

My experience is also do not trust what the cop says about charges and just wanting to talk. My DD's exbf pressed harrassment charges, texted her there was a warrant. DD called to check this out, the cop said not yet unless you do not come in to talk with me withing 48 hours. So I drove her to talk - they handcuffed her and took her to jail. My involvement in this part set into motion so much guilt for me. I made several more choices in her legal matters that I now regret. It only delayed the ultimate consequences of her being in jail and now probation. And she has a chance in our county for recovery in probation. I have to stay out of her way as much as I can tolerate. And be there as only a loving support --- I need my own support daily to stick to this. It is hard.

I will pray for them to get what support they need to detox and stay clean. It is hard to endure without any kind of rehab... .

Take care of yourself.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders