Perfect storm for affair

[NonBPHusb]

I found this community several days ago, and it has been extremely enlightening and calming.  I have come to believe that my wife is a high functioning pwBPD, with all of the abandonment fears, the splitting, the intense and extreme emotions, splitting, projection, rewriting facts to fit emotions (we've argued specifically in the past about how much you can trust your emotions--it never occurred to me that she would rewrite the facts to fit her emotions, but looking back on it, that's exactly what she did repeatedly).

About three months ago, my wife had an affair.  We've been dealing with the repercussions ever since, but she didn't immediately leave because we have two young kids.  Reading about BPD has really helped me to understand what led to the affair in the first place though.  Please let me know if you think this makes sense.

My wwBPD has been colleagues and good friends with a man about our age for several years.  I had always liked him.  About a month before the affair, he emails my wife and another friend to tell them that he is getting a divorce.  Later my wife and I are talking, and she talks about how horrible it is that the friend's wife "abandoned" him and the kids.  A month later, she, him and two other friends go out to a celebratory dinner, and she ends up giving him a ride home.  On the ride home, late at night, after some moderate drinking, he mentions that he may move out of town.  That freaks my wife out, and she begs him not to leave, expressing deep feelings for him.  Thus began my wife's emotional affair.  Shortly after that, my wife and him go out on a date, a few weeks after that, their emotional affair turns into a sexual affair.

From what I understand so far, people with BPD can have deep empathy, at least at times, intense emotions, obviously, and a fundamental fear of abandonment.  Combine that deep empathy with a friend who she feels has been abandoned--her worst fear, and that empathy is magnified to its highest point.  Then, add on top of that her own fears of abandonment and his suggestion that he might move away and BAM, you have the perfect storm for an emotion and eventually sexual affair.  

Thoughts?

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[Notwendy]

Even without BPD, this could be the scene for an affair. Most affairs do not begin with two people jumping into bed, but with discussing personal issues and feeling bonded together. We are all human and vulnerable to attraction.

Where BPD could be a contributor could be the poor boundaries. People with strong boundaries who do not want to have an affair recognize when things are getting a bit too personal and stop the situation there. They say " if you don't want to fall into the river, don't go down to the shore of the river". People who do not want to have an affair generally have limits on how much they socialize or confide with someone they could potentially be attracted to- either anyone from the opposite gender, or same gender depending on their orientation.

Another factor could be the tendency to act according to the drama triangle. In this triangle there are three roles: Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer and a tendency to think in black and white. Here, to your wife, the ex wife was the persecutor, her friend, the victim, and she could step right into rescuing him. While she may see herself as a rescuer, someone who is so caring and empathetic, that role is really self seeking. It makes her feel good- about herself to think she is such a compassionate person, and also the subject of his attraction.

What she did, actually, was exactly what he didn't need. At the time, he was in a vulnerable position. What he needed to heal was to take account of his feelings and situation, consider any possible repair to the marriage, not drown his feelings in a passionate affair. Hopefully, a friend with healthy boundaries would see this, and act in the friend's interest by being supportive, but in a setting with boundaries. It all went wrong with the drinking and the ride home.

As to the impact of an affair on your marriage ( and this man's as well) - it's complicated. Any relationship involves both parties. Skilled counselors can help couples cope with the reasons behind it. It is difficult, but not irreparable in all situations. There could be many reasons why your wife had one.

[Daniell85]

My boyfriend had an affair, too.

He was looking for an emotional connection with someone who he could hurt, yet not get judged on for doing it. He indicated he made mistakes, generally caused hurt to people around him. Some of it quite severe. He realized his losses of control were leading to him lashing out or being mean.

He met this girl at work. She turned out to be silent to his hurtful behavior. She loved attention from him. He thought he was getting what he needed/wanted from her. So he went for it. Without telling me, of course.

To condense that: he was emotionally open to someone who he perceived as accepting of all his bad behavior without telling him he was a bad person.

Your wife possibly felt that her affair partner didn't know the "real" her. In all her warts, damaging behaviors. Someone fresh who thought she was "good". She really needed/wanted to feel that way outside of herself and the validation of being the good person was so compelling, she went for it. Without taking into the consideration of how much worse she would feel to know she is a cheat, was abandoning her children, putting it in your face, and so on.

Messier now. Harder now. And her self esteem is damaged even more.

My thoughts.

[NonBPHusb]

The hardest part right now is that my uBPDw is constantly complaining that I have not shown her any empathy at all, despite my having spent countless hours listening to her and comforting her about what happened, empathizing with her about what she lost, empathizing with her about her lover's losses in the affair (!), and talking through her feelings.  Just the other week I sat with her for an hour while she cried about losing her lover's friendship. 

I need empathy from her about what I am dealing with in the affair, and have received absolutely nothing.  The one time she seemed to showed me empathy was when I was having a panic attack when she had to (whatever) meet with her lover and two other people for drinks for business.  She told me that understanding what I was dealing with was made it possible for her to cut off ties with her lover.  Of course I later found out that she did not cut off ties with him at all, but was texting him 100 times a day.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that she simply may be incapable of offering me empathy in this scenario, but that is really hard to accept.  On top of that, any time she learns that I have confided in anyone about what I'm dealing with--including my doctor or my own brother--she has expressed hurt and anger (sometimes rage) that I would reach out to them.  Every. single. time.  So effectively, she is guilt-tripping me whenever I seek empathy from my support network.  It's suffocating!  I love her and do not want to lose our marriage, but I'm getting to the point where I finally understand that maybe it will be for the best, and maybe I can create a better home environment for my kids, if only for half of the week.

[Notwendy]

Keep in mind how people with BPD deal with painful feelings and how prone they are to toxic shame. I don't know many people who have no conscience at all ( although they do exist). I'd be willing to bet that many people feel shame and guilt after falling to an affair.

However, for pw BPD to feel these feelings, and acknowledge their actions, would feel like annihilation to them. They have a poor sense of self, and build that sense of self through how they appear to others. Your wife is most likely to project on to you than to think inward.

Also keep the victim triangle in mind. Pw BPD act in three major roles ( sometimes with themselves in all 3 ). My own opinion is that they tend to see themselves as victim. Right now, your wife seems to be in victim mode- looking at you to rescue her from her loss and bad feelings. You are also hurting, and looking for some solace in your wife, but if she is in victim mode, she may not be able to.

An affair is a very painful. IMHO, you have the right to seek help, and I think individual counseling is a good idea for anyone who is dealing with a marital affair. It would make sense that your wife does not like this- she fears that someone will affirm that she is a bad person. She is not a bad person- she is a person who made a mistake, but to people with BPD, making a mistake can mean " I am a mistake".

I think speaking with a counselor is a way to maintain objectivity and confidentiality. Speaking to someone you know personally may drag them into this situation and while it feels good to tell a friend or relative, that relative is not objective and able to help you. Most affairs involve issues on both sides, even if the other side has not cheated. I would say to get help from a counselor, and you don't even need to tell her if you don't want to. It is OK to talk to your doctor, and if he/she is not a trained therapist, then perhaps you can be referred to one. This is taking care of your side of the fence.

[NonBPHusb]

I have a therapist, she had a therapist, and we have a joint martial counselor.  After my first therapy session, when I told her that we had talked about the affair and the need to go to joint counseling, she started berating me and telling me that I need to deal with my own issues, not the affair, and then complained that she had to direct every aspect of my life.

I know I'm not perfect, and I have made a ton of mistakes, including one extremely bad invalidating fight in February that led directly to the affair.

[NonBPHusb]

My concern now is that my wife will short-circuit her therapy.  We spent one marital counseling session discussing my parents' marriage, and afterward, my uBPDw started talking about how maybe there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't have to change at all.  Since then, she has started complaining about the fact that she doesn't believe her therapist is listening to her, but thinks she is falling asleep during therapy sessions, etc.  Sounds like that's pretty common?

[Notwendy]

As hard as it is to come to terms with her behavior, or whether or not she continues with her own T, dealing with your side of the fence in this is more than considering any possible contribution to it. It includes dealing with your feelings, how you see it, and working things out for you, with your own T. Marital T is good too, but in the end, the only work you can do is on yourself. Your wife may drop T, continue to see this guy, or another, or not. All you can do is decide what you are going to do about it.

This is very painful and hurtful. Maybe that is why not cheating is one of those Big 10 Rules of things to do or not to do. It hurts like crazy to be cheated on, and the cheater probably feels horrible too, which is one reason for the cheating. Cheating is like a drug. The high of the affair is a big feel good escape from bad feelings. But like drugs, the thrill is temporary and the down is probably pretty bad. An affair could appear pretty attractive to someone with a poor sense of self and who can not manage their own bad feelings. This is not exclusive to BPD.

When my friends and I got to the middle age crisis stage, many of their marriages broke up on account of cheating. I was also reading a lot about relationships at the time, to try to figure out what was going on in my marriage. I learned a lot about the source of marital difficulties and reasons people cheat. It was astounding that my friends- attractive, intelligent, kind, and successful men and women had spouses that left them for people who were no more appealing than they were. I also know a couple of aquaintances who are serial cheaters, and I realized this had more to do with them continuously seeking that "high" than it did with their partners. Cheating says a whole lot more about the person who cheats than it seems who they are with.

Which leaves the one who is cheated on with determining what he or she will tolerate, boundaries, conditions for repair of the relationship- or not, and managing their own personal pain. This is important because decisions made in the heat of anger or hurt are not often good ones. It is best to manage the feelings first. This is one good reason to have personal T and take the focus on you, not what she may or may not do.