An exhausted, sad mom of adult BPD daughter

[Staciavoo]

Hello. I just found this site in a dark moment of yet another estrangement from my adult BPD daughter (she's 27). I feel lonely in my grief. BPD is so very difficult to describe to even my closest friends. And though my husband has walked this path with me from the beginning, even he can't understand the "mom target" dynamic with our daughter.

I hope to find -- and lend -- support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

Hello. I just found this site in a dark moment of yet another estrangement from my adult BPD daughter (she's 27). I feel lonely in my grief. BPD is so very difficult to describe to even my closest friends. And though my husband has walked this path with me from the beginning, even he can't understand the "mom target" dynamic with our daughter.

I hope to find -- and lend -- support.

Staciavoo,



We are here to listen to you and offer emotional support.  We are also eager for any emotional support that you might be able to give as well.

You are definitely not alone, as there are several members here who have been 'abandoned' by their daughters with "no contact" as she likely blames you for everything that is wrong with her, and this is exceptionally painful to listen to.  While my daughter is too young, she is threatening this.  However, many here are not so lucky with this, and are in the same position you are.

While you are in estrangement with your dear daughter, please do some self-care, whatever that might look like for you, so if and when she does resume contact (most children come back looking for money / financial support) you can be of a better mindset to be able to interact with her.

If you have specific questions, please ask, I or someone else will brainstorm with you for possible solutions.

Take care.

SD

[CC43]

Staciavoo, I feel for you and understand where you're coming from.  My diagnosed stepdaughter is about your daughter's age, and she has also gone through several cycles of estrangement.  She invariably resumes contact when she needs support, usually money, lodging, insurance or a co-signer.  That the resumption of contact feels so transactional doesn't lessen the pain.  I've gone through cycles of grief and hope many times now.  I'm also burdened by not seeing eye-to-eye with my husband about the situation, furthering the pain and grief on a day-to-day basis.  You might find a glimmer of hope if your daughter is able to support herself independently!  Even if she "hates" you and blames you, she's functional enough to live on her own, which I see as a wonderful achievement, considering the obstacles.

I have a glimmer of hope when my stepdaughter is complying with treatment and taking medications.  However she has self-destructive relapses.  Many don't understand the situation, because it seems unbelievable that a full-grown woman can't hold a job and yet hurls hatred towards others, blaming them for her own poor choices.  It doesn't seem rational.  But that's where we are.  This community understands.

[Sancho]

Hi Staciavoo
Thank you for posting. I am going through a tough time myself at the moment. 'Exhausted' and 'sad' - that just about sums it up. The words touched a chord - and I needed to shed the tears that followed!

Thank you!

[livednlearned]

Grieving BPD is a very lonely grief -- like you say, it's so hard to explain to people who haven't walked this path.

How long has the estrangement been going on?

Sometimes it seems to function like a time out to help get emotions back to baseline.

Any thoughts on what triggered this estrangement?

[Compassion Only]

Oh man, I totally get your pain. NO ONE in my family understands the pain and loss. They try...My husband of three years has no children and he just gets angry the entire situation. I try not to talk to him about it because we end up in a fight. My daughter is 34.

This group DOES understand and it helps. Good for you for jumping on.

[BPDstinks]

I understand completely!  My 24 year old BPD cut us off entirely it is awful

[Denim]

Oh man, I totally get your pain. NO ONE in my family understands the pain and loss. They try...My husband of three years has no children and he just gets angry the entire situation. I try not to talk to him about it because we end up in a fight. My daughter is 34.

This group DOES understand and it helps. Good for you for jumping on.

I understand your pain too. My 38 son can be very difficult and argumentative and the next day tell me I'm the best. I'm widowed and live alone and this is so very hard.

[Manifest32f]

I’m in the same boat! It’s terrible but I am so very tired of being blamed for everything and repeatedly being asked to apologize for everything and anything all the time that went wrong in her (46yrs) life. And it’s just never ending. We have not spoken in 10days and she blocked me on WhatsApp and expects me to call long distance (gets to be expensive) repeatedly and keep apologizing for hrs beginning from infancy/ childhood trauma (mostly because she strongly believes I mistreated her) and go over things that didn’t happen but she thinks they did and how unfair she was treated by me. Anything that went wrong in her life was caused by me. She doesn’t want to take any responsibility for her actions that resulted in her breakups and somehow pins it on me! To be honest, although I feel sad we don’t have a healthy normal conversation, I don’t miss having to apologize for all things, listing out everything, and listening to her blaming me for mostly things I didn’t cause her grief. It’s really very tough dealing with it every day and I am praying every single minute that I am freed of all this soon. I think it’s my karma that I am going through it. Relief should come soon. In the meantime, we have to remember that we did not cause any of this and we are not responsible for any of this. Please take care and stay strong

[CopperLeaves]

Hi Staciavoo 

I just wanted to say hello, and welcome. I hear you - as another exhausted and sad mum. It feels neverending and unfair and like a pile of words I can't post here. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

From what I know it sounds like classic BPD behaviour, and though it doesn't lessen the pain, it at least releases you from responsibility. Sending virtual support to you.
Copper x

[BPDstinks]

hello to you both!  I was JUST thinking about posting this...I feel very sad lately...(very odd, I drove by our old house & was just MESMIRIZED...thinking how did we get "here" (not speaking!), than, I happened upon a FB post of my daughter (yes...I "track" (no other way of "seeing" her !) and she looks really happy and healthy; my initial thought was, I am happy she is happy, than....I figured "if" she was ever happy again she would want to "re-connect", than, i thought, why can I/we not make her happy...than  I was mad!  I have tried to put my life in some "semblance" and...here I am, again, SAD...so...i think of you both & hope you find some joy!  you are NOT alone in this

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[2much4me]

Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. I can relate so much to what you are going through. In November, our 18 year old daughter made horrendous false allegations about us/her family and disappeared from the ER (where I made a futile attempt to get her help). Exhausted and sad is exactly how I've felt for the past 4 months.  At first, I would wake in the middle of the night trembling in shock and fear.  But, I can reassure you that, although there are still times when the pain feels unbearable, I am enjoying my life again too. Here are tools we use to do that: (1) weekly, my husband and I see a therapist  who is familiar with BPD and family systems (2) Alanon. Substance use is part of our daughter's illness and many BPD's "self-medicate" but regardless, the illness is similar to dealing with an active addict and participating has reduced our shame and concepts like "detachment with love" and boundaries are helpful.  (3) self-care/connection- I've used church, meditation apps, walking, dance, journaling, hot tub, friends, date nights (4) this forum and BPD books/education: Understanding BPD reminds me that that her behavior is 100% motivated by misguided attempts at control and power, are therefore resistant to arguments, facts, proof.  I understand your pain, the anguish of telling other family or friends what is happening, the shame that you somehow caused it, the lack of empathy from ppl who know nothing about BPD and the mental obsession of trying to "solve" this problem for your beloved child.  Please practice taking care of yourself even when it feels disloyal to your kid, I am sending love and light your way.

[BPDstinks]

Dear 2much4me...thank you so much for the tips!  I also feel like I am taking (tiny) baby steps at re-claiming my life!  I miss my BPD however, not how she talks to me & makes me question my SANITY!

[Peony1214]

I am going through this as well with my 24-year-old daughter. Everything that goes wrong in her life is either her dad’s fault or mine. She is verbally abusive and then tries to cut off whichever one of us she is aiming her anger at in the moment. She is unable to hold a job, and no longer has any friends. Her physical health is also declining, and she is being evaluated for MS. She threatens suicide as a way to manipulate, but I am terrified that she might actually do something stupid in one of her many fits of anger. I am emotionally exhausted and don’t know where to turn for help. She is in therapy with a therapist specializing in BPD, but I have seen no improvement, in fact she seems to be getting worse. I am having to hide a lot of her behaviors from my husband of 5 years, because if he were to witness how she treats me, he would step in and probably escalate things further. Just reading through some of these posts really helps to know I’m not alone, but I’m so worried for her future.