Adult daughter is raging.

[Millo]

So thankful I found this resource -  my adult daughter (23) was in psychosis (her 3rd) after a bout of insomnia -  cut her screen window open on her 2nd floor apartment held on to ledge and jumped down ran round in t-shirt and underwear until she made it back to a friends apartment she had fallen out with who called police (they had about 15 calls as she was near the freeway)- 5150'd and a broken toe/partial collapsed lung. Got herself out of the hold (she is very articulate) and is now home with us. One 45 minute consult with a psych ( PTSD/ gravely disabled/Bi polar/BPD  as an initial unconfirmed diagnosis no more appointments until end of May.) 4 weeks of IOP several confusing med changes and I have a raging daughter who is throwing things screaming obscenities calling my son at college (he is good with her and calms her down - we have told him to put in boundaries and its ok not to take every call he is only 19) but is on his own hundreds of miles away and has had some mental health challenges himself ( low self esteem with lockdown and a BPD sister). Her meds were restricted as in all the confusion of med changes whilst she was still in psychosis she took one more Librium  - now they are tapering her off it (we have the meds now and give them to her she is ok with that) Her IOP stopped she was rude to psych nurse apologized now she is on a new med   - good news she is taking her meds (4 different ones). When she wanted to talk to someone about her meds she called the Kaiser hospital number and said how her ex girlfriend had raped her for 4 years - so Police turned up husband was able to talk to them alone and talk through what was going on. This last Saturday husband and her moved her into my sons room (his idea bless him) hours spent helping her making it lovely I came home from work we had dinner watched TV together ran her a bath (she is still "disabled" her words because of the fall - she is wearing splints on each hand and boots on each foot - she doesn't need them all but my understanding is they bring her some comfort as she is navigating this - she has a lot of PT coming up ) and it wasn't hot enough since then its been hell. She has always had issues with keeping friends and when she hit puberty the horrendous (fainting) period pain rages self medication (marajuana - stopped herself in December last year) she was diagnosed with PMDD (Citrolopram/birth control/ CBT therapy - then covid hit and therapy stopped). She threw hot chocolate at her door today screaming the C word over and over - we are so tied because we have no family here as we emigrated 14 years ago  - we both have to work paying for her 5th yr in college ( she skipped a whole semester without us knowing) her apartment and my sons college and dorm. We ignore the words (some horrifying accusations)  - my husband, her Dad. goes away tomorrow for work (he will go and see my son and make sure he is ok) he himself had a health scare a few months back so am worried about his health - we are a good team in spite of her accusing him of cheating on me and worse  - poor guy he is so patient (went through all of this with my sister - he is a saint and then some). We are praying the meds kick in. My sister and father are undiagnosed BPD and I (and my fiancee now husband) were my sister's carers during our 20's (she is doing well had a family and has been amazing with my daughter) I cannot remember not feeling scared  - scared I will lose my sister/ my son/ my daughter (she already wrote off her car) she isn't suicidal (my sister had many attempts). Since 2020 both of my children have been battling mental health issues  - my son takes his meds maintains great grades and is doing well (he had an intensive 12 week IOP post hospitilization) he is due back for Spring break soon and am terrified she will derail him. He wants to come home.We are exhausted and not one person here. where we live, knows the extent of any of it - the community is small and we want to protect her from any unnecessary gossip/embarrassment (her request - we know many of the nurses that work locally) It is isolating as I am very well known here - I tell half truths every day to other people to protect them both I cant remember the last time I saw a friend  its too exhausting/horrible to have to lie (I see so many people I know every day at work as I run a local establishment).  My closest friend was diagnosed with cancer recently and so do not want her to know. As I read this back all I can think of is where we went wrong what we could or should of done better - so caught up in being scared she will get us arrested/deported (threatens that everyday). Boundaries were easy to put in when she was in her apartment and we thought she was doing ok Christmas my husband and son went to get her and the apartment was overrun with trash and fruit flies my son cried  - they spent hours cleaning it for her  - she was home for 8 weeks no pot no rages she read loads and loads of books - she insisted on going back for school and within a week the psychosis occurred (her bloods were clear of alcohol/drugs) We talk about how she has to do the work and we will support her every step of the way (she is now on a year long DBT course remotely) before she can live on her own at the same time encouraging her with her future plans of a new apartment and a way forward. Thank you if you read this all. I need help with boundaries as an empath I battle every day (my son is the same) I know I do  - I have the book walking on eggshells which helped when she was living away. I just ordered the book You are not alone - archived the order she saw it and was vile on text telling me to return it as she thought it was for her. This is hell am praying she gets some peace from the meds (wasn't sure if I could say what they are here on this forum) but having googled them all they should be exactly what she needs to calm the rages - she seems to battle them working especially at night. These rages have increased since hospitalization and if I dare question the psych nurse about all the med changes (my daughter asks us to be in on the calls) she says that residential is the only way my daughter can get her meds sorted due to their lack of resources ?? We pay a small fortune for health insurance  - so navigating what our options are for further psych evaluation within the same health insurance. My daughter had a horrible concussion her first semester of college a friend knocked on her heavy metal dorm door as she opened it the friend kicked it open smashing into my daughters head - she never told us until recently  - am trying to get her to ask for a referral to a neurologist to rule out TBI (have confirmed that this accident did occur and she had a severe concussion) the State College never informed us ?? Since then she broke up with her gf (of four years who lived with us in lockdown as she had underlying health issues) and has had three in total psychotic episodes. Even if no one has the time/patience (!) to read all this - it was a good release for me to write it down in a safe space.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Millo,

You've had it rough.  Watching your daughter self-destruct must be heart-wrenching, and it can feel like you can't do anything to help her.

My diagnosed stepdaughter had some similar experiences.  She skipped a few semesters of college without telling her parents.  She told several stories of "abuse" and bullying at college, but I'm not sure she's telling the truth, because the details
 and timelines are distorted. She tends to twist facts to make herself out to be a victim, rather than take responsibility for her poor choices.

What is clear to me is that when my stepdaughter self-medicated with marijuana, it made her behaviors much worse.  I wonder if the mix of marijuana plus stress brought on the psychosis.  She would have bouts of paranoia (people were "out to get her"), and she would be "out of it," not making much sense, for hours.  I also think that the marijuana "enabled" her to check out of life (studies, work, friendships, etc.) and lie in bed to rot for months on end.  My advice would be to impose a strict boundary around marijuana--none should be consumed in your home or as long as you are supporting your daughter.  My husband was not clear about the dangers of consuming marijuana with his children, because he thinks that today's marijuana is the same as when he smoked it, casually and without ill effects, when he was young.  But I think marijuana is much stronger now, and that it has no place with someone who is emotionally dysregulated and taking medications.

If your daughter is compliant with going to therapy and taking prescribed medications, I think that is a terrific sign.  That usually means that the patient recognizes that something isn't right and wants to make her life better.  Therapy and medications have helped my stepdaughter, though she still has a ways to go.  She hasn't had a suicide attempt for several months now, and she's working a little.  She's repaired the relationship with her father, but not with the rest of the family.  It's been a long, painful journey, but at least she's going in the right direction now.

There are some real experts on this site who give great advice.  I'm still learning.  I wish you strength and peace.

[Millo]

Thank you beyond words for your much needed support and encouraging kind words.


Yes we do have a no pot policy ( daughter  - no car, delivery cameras, no income reg blood test- so know its not a contributing factor for this episode thankfully ). She made that decision and now in her rages says she will go back to her apartment and smoke because they cant even get her meds right - we ignore/deflect - but can see and get the frustration with the meds. The meds will kick in and hopefully help her to heal whilst supported by therapy. It's so rough on her and I get that. Post rages she asks why are you acting as if nothing happened so we are very much treating it like we would a toddler in the hope the rage behavior will lessen if given no attention reward. When she is more stable we know that this will subside as its not her norm. Speaking non stop about everyone she has ever known has wronged her etc etc we know is a sign of her spiraling so we (pre these recent rages where she isn't speaking to us) always say ok something positive and she does come out of it (hopefully promoting self awareness) my son helps with that also by saying in a joking way ok now some positives!

Thank you for sharing about your step daughter it also sounds like she is on the right path - our new mantra is its a marathon not a sprint. Thank you am so grateful to you.

[CC43]

Hi Millo,

I've been through the rages and the angry, uncontrolled outbursts.  My stepdaughter's negative outlook can also weigh on the family.  It's as if she's programmed to be overly negative about most things.  She can't bear to see others be happy, either.

My thinking is, it's actually better to be angry--meaning that the negativity is projected outwards--than to endure the opposite--have the negativity projected inwards.  In observing my stepdaughter's behavior, she seems worse when she doesn't have an outlet for her negativity and it eats her from the inside.  That's when she becomes so depressed that she completely checks out of life and attempts suicide.  Does that make sense in your case?

It's true that the angry outbursts can wreak havoc with family and friends.  People with BPD can be incredibly mean and hurtful, unleashing false accusations as well.  The blame-shifting can be consternating, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much if you recognize it for what it is:  projected anger.  But if the outbursts turn violent, you need to call the cops or an ambulance, so that your daughter learns that violence has consequences.

Usually what happens with my stepdaughter is that she will lash out in anger, and then she will retreat (i.e. cut off) contact from the "offending" party until she self-regulates.  I call these instances "adult tantrums" followed by "adult time-outs."  The adult time-outs typically last for weeks.  Does that seem to describe your daughter's behavior?

What I've seen is that medications can help even out, or dull, the emotional turmoil, which in turn has helped dull the toxic  behaviors, along with DBT therapy.  An issue has been non-compliance with the medications, resulting in relapses.  However, after hitting bottom a couple of times, my stepdaughter realized that she needed to make a change for the better, and she started taking therapy seriously.

I hope this helps, if only so that you see you're not alone, and maybe have hope for things to get a little better.  If your daughter is level-headed enough that she can concentrate on reading, I think that is fantastic!  My stepdaughter was so consumed by negative thoughts for a time, that she said she couldn't concentrate on anything else . . .  Also, if your daughter is talking to her brother, that's a positive sign as well, as it's an important relationship in her life.  My stepdaughter hasn't spoken to her brother in months, and she refused to see him during the holidays.  So yes, she still has some work to do, including repairing some relationships in the family.  Like you said, this is a marathon.