borderline BPD/OCD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I need help!
my son  (28) is still very dependent on us, he lives with roomates, but we have to take care of him.
He feels overwhelmed when he has things to do, including taking care of simple tasks like cooking, cleaning, making
Dr's appointments, etc. We support him  financially, and it is getting harder on us. We are afraid of what would happen to him when we die. He is suffering from BPD, OCD, eating disorder, turrets, and major depression. He talks about suicide and  as been in a psychiatric hospital in order to stabilize him. He has been in 3 different intense programs. He does try. He now can control his anger with us, and appreciate what we do for him. He lives in Los Angeles and we can't find a specialist that can treat him, especially now that most therapists only work online. He needs and want see a therapists in person. One major absiticle is that part of his OCD he has pharmaphobia, and will not go on meds. Any idea where to go from here?

[dafpri]

I need help!
my son  (28) is still very dependent on us, he lives with roomates, but we have to take care of him.
He feels overwhelmed when he has things to do, including taking care of simple tasks like cooking, cleaning, making
Dr's appointments, etc. We support him  financially, and it is getting harder on us. We are afraid of what would happen to him when we die. He is suffering from BPD, OCD, eating disorder, turrets, and major depression. He talks about suicide and  as been in a psychiatric hospital in order to stabilize him. He has been in 3 different intense programs. He does try. He now can control his anger with us, and appreciate what we do for him. He lives in Los Angeles and we can't find a specialist that can treat him, especially now that most therapists only work online. He needs and want see a therapists in person. One major absiticle is that part of his OCD he has pharmaphobia, and will not go on meds. Any idea where to go from here?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Dafpri
The question 'what will happen . . . ' is often in my mind too. Can I ask how old your son is and do you live in LA or a distance from him?

It sounds as though there has been progress - appreciating what you do etc - but still very dependent. It can be very frustrating when there are options that could improve things that are just not going to be taken up. I think there are meds that could really help the OCD and a lessening of these symptoms may improve the symptoms of the BPD.

I support someone who has mental health issues including OCD. He blames every physical problem on taking tablets - he has to take some post having a heart attack and he takes these because he had the experience and is able to mentally process the idea that he has to protect his heart. He cleans frantically to avoid germs which he sees as the enemy, and tablets are also something that he things make him sick even before he has tried them.

There was one exception. He was complaining for months -years perhaps - of stomach problems. Eventually a GP got him to just try something - and bingo!

This doctor was a new one, young, believed in respecting peoples' choices and was able to have a laugh. It made all the difference! But - yes you guessed - he left because his wife wanted to work elsewhere. So we are now trying to link up with someone who might be able to fill the shoes. No luck so far!

 As far as when I die, I am hoping dd will be at least a little more self sufficient than she is now. My plan is not to leave dd anything outright, but to leave her a life interest in a small apartment. This way I know she will always have a roof over her head. If I have any money that could help support her, I am planning to leave details of how this could be used so my Executors understand the needs of dd and how best to support her.

In some ways I do think that our children respond better to others than they do to us. Perhaps there is a natural boundary with others that they respect and they are not tied in to the parent- child mode of interaction.

I am you are doing all you can. Keep looking for any small ways you can to encourage independence - perhaps there may be some way you can reward it when it happens?

Hope you are finding some space for yourself . .