Introduction

[Betsy123]

Hi, I am new here and wanted to introduce myself and get some help!
My daughter is in her 30s diagnosed with BPD and also ME/CF. She came to live with my partner and I 4 years ago. She was living in UK at the time and we live in France. She could no longer look after herself due to ME.
So the three of us are living in France. I do most thing for her except personal care; cooking , cleaning, shopping, pill boxes, laundry, arranging perscriptions,  etc. All the usual stuff.

She is very lonely and unhappy since she is very isolated and cannot get out of the house, and doesn’t know anyone here. She is afraid to contact friends, says she can't speak to them. She tells me she does not do "life". Even the smallest physical or psycological effort seems to exhaust her. Except that is, she has boundless energy for sending me abusive texts. I do understand her pain, and also why she blames me for everything, I was an emotional absent mother, so I think her angry is justified but it is not good for her and is not helping.

Unfortunately she does not have health cover here, and due to complications will not make the application, though if she did she would be eligible. One night in psychiatric care cost me 1800euros. I am retired on a pension and have no savings. I have already taken two loans out from the bank to try to support her.

Recently my overwhelm and exhaustion, ( up and down stairs with trays of food) has but me into detachment and I feel I cannot do this anymore. After 4 days of abuse, not really sure how that started, I was desperate to get away and left for 4 days. My husband was there to support my daughter. I cannot get myself back to the place that I know is healthy validation; “not your fault”, “ really hard for  you”, “I hear you,………………etc. In fact I don’t feel I want to go back there and apologise over and over for something, I don’t even know what.

We had planned on going back to the UK when she felt better. I was going to assist her to establish herself in her own place. I would need to stay in the UK for some time. Not something I look forward to, or can afford, neither does she, but we need to return to establish certain things. There seems to be little chance that she will be well enough to travel, let alone sit in a car with me without feeling threatened, and without attacking me. She says she is frightened of me, not just the past but the present. (I never physically abused her though I was not warm and loving). Though she is perfectly able to threaten and abuse me. That confuses me, cause if she is frightened of me wouldn’t she be more likely to fawn?

Like most BPD suffers my daughter is a wonderful person, kind and loving. It’s just when……………………
Any thoughs would be very welcome, can't do it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello Betsy and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and you must be at your wit's end.

Even the smallest physical or psycological effort seems to exhaust her. Except that is, she has boundless energy for sending me abusive texts. I do understand her pain, and also why she blames me for everything, I was an emotional absent mother, so I think her angry is justified but it is not good for her and is not helping.

This hurt me to read, because it contains all the symptoms of BPD and abuse in just two sentences.

I'll start by saying that this IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  You are responsible for you.  She is responsible for her.  If you were a bad mother, then she should not depend on you for everything in her life.  Those two things don't go together at all.  And even if you did make mistakes in the past (like every parent has), that's no excuse for her abusing you daily.  Her anger is not justified and she is manipulating you.

Here's the thing though, you have to believe that and accept it.  This is not your fault at all, and as long as you're accepting her unfair blame, then she will continue to become more and more abusive over time.  She's entitled, spoiled, and lazy.  And you're allowing her to remain that way.

Unfortunately she does not have health cover here, and due to complications will not make the application, though if she did she would be eligible. One night in psychiatric care cost me 1800euros. I am retired on a pension and have no savings. I have already taken two loans out from the bank to try to support her.

This is a great example.  She could apply for healthcare coverage, but she chooses not to.  That's her problem, not hers.  Why would you pay 1800 euros when she could fill out an application and have it covered?  You should not be supporting her at all.

I cannot get myself back to the place that I know is healthy validation; “not your fault”, “ really hard for  you”, “I hear you,………………etc. In fact I don’t feel I want to go back there and apologise over and over for something, I don’t even know what.

Healthy validation is not accepting her abuse as the truth.  This is her fault...all of it.  You should NEVER apologize for her being spoiled and entitled.  I realize she has chronic fatigue and that complicates matters, but that does not give her a free pass to do nothing and abuse her parents in the process.  You must stop enabling her.

A common symptom of BPD is projection, where a person projects their own insecurities and character flaws onto someone else.  That's what is happening here.  The more you apologize and cater to her every whim, the more hateful and spiteful she will become.  You must stop enabling her and walking on eggshells around her.

At the top of this page (and every page), there are tips and tools on how to communicate with someone in your life with BPD.  She's attacking you with FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and there are practical ways to respond that validate her feelings & emotions without validating her untrue words.  Please take some time to read through the tips and let us know if you have any questions.

Her life is not your burden, and you don't owe her anything if she can't be thankful for you being in her life.  The abuse must stop!

[Betsy123]

Dear Pook075. Thank you so much for your clear and succinct response.
I hear all that you say and it is so very reassuring to hear it said, though my partner has been trying to tell me for years. Unfortunately I find it hard to get past THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I have had some therapy and that helped, but he wasn’t a good fit so perhaps I will go back to another therapist. So tired. Thanks again.

[BPDstinks]

i love reading the advice!  I, too, ponder (obsess?) over what the heck happened!  a year ago, we were just fine (well...were we?  everything seems to make sense now...out of the blue, once, she said, "when I have kids you will have supervised visits (what a rotten thing to say!  I take excellent care of my granddaughters) (that is one of sooo many!) in any case, I wake up EVERY single day, searching for a message (one tiny text?!) and it is the last thing I look for at night; sadly, I don't have advice to share...

[Pook075]

Dear Pook075. Thank you so much for your clear and succinct response.
I hear all that you say and it is so very reassuring to hear it said, though my partner has been trying to tell me for years. Unfortunately I find it hard to get past THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I have had some therapy and that helped, but he wasn’t a good fit so perhaps I will go back to another therapist. So tired. Thanks again.

Hey Betsy.  I have a BPD daughter (25) and we went through similar circumstances, with daily rage and panic attacks over just about everything in life.  We lived walking on eggshells, just waiting to see what destructive thing she'd do next, and our home was complete chaos from the time she was 15.

When she was 18, we met a psychiatrist who really challenged us to change our thinking.  He explained everything I just said to you, that this was not our fault and it is not our burden to carry.  If she lashes out, punish her.  If she continues, kick her out of the house and let her figure things out on her own. 

So we did, and it was heartbreaking...but a peace came over our home that we had never known before.  We could relax, we could think, and we weren't accepting abuse anymore.  Six months later, our daughter came home, genuinely apologized, and things were good for about a month.  But then she turned again and we threw her out a 2nd time.

A few years later, our kid had a complete mental breakdown and checked herself into therapy.  She requested to work with that psychiatrist I told you about and for the first time in her life, she began to listen and reflect.  Within a few months, she became aware of how horrible she was to us and everything changed.

I won't say my kid is cured- she still does incredibly stupid things at times.  But she does not abuse me AT ALL and we can have a regular conversation about anything in life.  This stuff only happened though because my wife and I changed...we were the actual problem because we allowed her to abuse us for years.  Once we stopped and let her see the real world, everything changed within a few years.

I know what I'm saying is hard to hear...we all love our kids and want the best for them.  Right now though, what's best for your kid is being held accountable for every word that comes out of her mouth.  She's free to say or do whatever she wants, as long as she's providing for herself.  So force her to choose- be a loving child, or figure out life on her own (without your financial support).  She does not get to have both.

I hope that helps!