My ex of many years won't leave me alone

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I became involved with and subsequently married to a person with BPD nearly a decade ago. She left me for someone else, lied, stole large amounts of money from me and made false allegations of abuse. She sought to ruin my personal and personal reputation with my friends, acquaintances and colleagues. So far, so familiar, right?

Since the divorce I have re-married and I'm in a healthy, happy relationship and I continue to work with professionals on the PTSD that I developed as a result of my previous relationship. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts my ex is still in the picture. I have no direct contact with her but we live in the same city and share a community. She continues to trash my reputation with allegations of abuse and has tried to ruin events that I co-organise e.g. telling people online that the event has moved venue, joining and hijacking online groups that I set up. More recently she has started trying to have me excluded from community events based on her lies and has roped in her current partner to do the dirty work. I recently received private messages from the current partner on social media. I am well aware that she is gaslighting me but I want to know if anyone else has experienced this length of harassment and if it will ever stop? I am simply exhausted with this. She is on her second long-term relationship since she ended the relationship with me. I do not initiate contact (except where I have deleted her from online groups as administrator) and I have been extremely discreet about the history.

I am at the end of my tether. I refuse to be driven out of my community, so staying away is not an option.

Any thoughts, advice and general support welcome!

Thanks.

Aranciata

[Aranciata]

Hi,

I became involved with and subsequently married to a person with BPD nearly a decade ago. She left me for someone else, lied, stole large amounts of money from me and made false allegations of abuse. She sought to ruin my personal and personal reputation with my friends, acquaintances and colleagues. So far, so familiar, right?

Since the divorce I have re-married and I'm in a healthy, happy relationship and I continue to work with professionals on the PTSD that I developed as a result of my previous relationship. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts my ex is still in the picture. I have no direct contact with her but we live in the same city and share a community. She continues to trash my reputation with allegations of abuse and has tried to ruin events that I co-organise e.g. telling people online that the event has moved venue, joining and hijacking online groups that I set up. More recently she has started trying to have me excluded from community events based on her lies and has roped in her current partner to do the dirty work. I recently received private messages from the current partner on social media. I am well aware that she is gaslighting me but I want to know if anyone else has experienced this length of harassment and if it will ever stop? I am simply exhausted with this. She is on her second long-term relationship since she ended the relationship with me. I do not initiate contact (except where I have deleted her from online groups as administrator) and I have been extremely discreet about the history.

I am at the end of my tether. I refuse to be driven out of my community, so staying away is not an option.

Any thoughts, advice and general support welcome!

Thanks.

Aranciata

[Grey Kitty]

It is pretty disturbing that she's still going after you like this nearly a decade later. Have you avoided direct contact with her pretty much the whole time since your divorce?

I don't know much about the law regarding stalking / cyber-stalking / harassment, but it sounds like she's crossing some lines. Have you talked to law enforcement or consulted a lawyer?

[Aranciata]

Thanks for the reply @Grey Kitty. It's been seven years since the divorce and she moved to live in another place with my replacement. I subsequently moved to be with my new partner. She then split up with my replacement and then moved to the place I'm living (trying not to be too specific about details here!). I have avoided direct contact with her and have not spoken to her once since before the divorce. Me going no contact was actually the trigger for her making false allegations to the police and her wilder accusations. She was warned at the time to stop harassing me or she would be prosecuted. If I do nothing, she reacts, if I react she does more. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

As a friend says, much of what she does has 'plausible deniability' especially in isolation but when you put it all together there is a pattern. I will consider seeking legal advice.

Aranciata