When threatened, have you ever "called their bluff?"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I really didn't want to "call his bluff"... .  I just responded to his "I am taking you to the "Y" (YWCA, homeless shelter, etc) very practically instead of emotionally.

I called to my son and told him to get his shoes on, coat on and his bookbag... .  I put my coat on and grabbed my purse and was thinking about "emergency" items that I should take like some jewelry to sell, etc... .  

and told him "OK, I'm ready, let's go.

He stood there with his mouth hanging open~  and when he did say something, he "played the victim" and said "well, IT IS YOU who wants to leave"... .  and I STUCK WITH THE SCRIPT that HE was THROWING US OUT... .  I even took his arm and PUSHED MY ARM toward the door. He STOPPED and said that "he was trying to talk to me"... .  

I sat down and he talked for the next HOUR... .  circular conversation. further dysregulation. I sat and listened. I stated how I had heard him, suggested how we could "talk better" and told him that "I was not following him" (his 7th time to repeat a 3 minute "explanation" of WHAT I DO that is DISRESPECTFUL to him.

I asked him to "release" me so that I could go to my choir rehearsal (Mon.) and he told me that I was "NOT GOING TO DRIVE HIS CAR, USE HIS GAS"< that I was "NOT GOING to choir"... .  I sat for 15 minutes longer and headed toward the door with my music... .  my son was sitting by the door... .  he said something about me disrespecting him and I LAID INTO HIM. I told him that I know that he has FELT disrespected and that I have meant NO disrespect and that I have apologized several times but HE HAS DISRESPECTED ME and WOUNDED ME TO THE VERY CORE OF MY BEING. I really don't WANT to talk with him about this... .  It reminds him of how he has FAILED ME AGAIN... .  he HAD promised his love, marriage, etc. to me and since all that has "fallen through the cracks", I have NOTHING to stay for. HE HAS TAKEN BACK his word and I am left with nothing; no husband and lover and friend, no house, car or any security that my son and I would be provided for if he would die suddenly. I just "don't go there".

I walked out with my son, told him that "if we go to a shelter, I will have a police officer bring YOUR car back"... .  he called and left message since I would not pick up. I called and gave him a statement that we will be back with his car after rehearsal and then I hung up.

Got back to the house and he and I did not talk for about 20 minutes... .  I let HIM initiate. He actually tried to talk afterward... .  and agreed to go to counseling for US to talk to each other. He SEES now that I have withdrawn and I told him that "My heart is crushed, I have experiences broken promises and shattered dreams and I have healing to do before I consider ANY relationship"... .  OH, he already KNOWS that I AM WILLING AND PLANNING ON LEAVING... .  

He spoke kindly to me. I am still not hopeful at all. He asked how my 2nd choir rehearsal went, he actually GOT OFF OF HIS COMPUTER and sat and talked with me. I am not impressed. It's a "too little, WAY too late" sort of thing to me. The damage HAS BEEN DONE. I had told him before that he would "have to WIN my heart back"... .  I was NOT kidding.

My son and I are really doing ok... .  I talked to my counselor about it and requested that she "push" to get us a counselor... .  my uBPDso suggested that SHE mediate us, like he wanted to SHOW HOW I WAS NOT TREATING HIM WITH RESPECT but would do it in front of her... .  *TWIST* whatever... .  I am still planning on leaving. We agreed to NOT TALK or get into "any discussion" without a mediator and I have requested a counselor who will sit, listen, mediate and make suggestions to us (who is versed and knowledgeable in DBT/CBT). I am accepting NO PROMISES from him and only hope that some of the ones that he HAS ALREADY MADE will be fulfilled... .  he owes me that much. If not, then I will leave, eventually, with myself and my son INTACT... .  

[real lady]

I really didn't want to "call his bluff"... .  I just responded to his "I am taking you to the "Y" (YWCA, homeless shelter, etc) very practically instead of emotionally.

I called to my son and told him to get his shoes on, coat on and his bookbag... .  I put my coat on and grabbed my purse and was thinking about "emergency" items that I should take like some jewelry to sell, etc... .  

and told him "OK, I'm ready, let's go.

He stood there with his mouth hanging open~  and when he did say something, he "played the victim" and said "well, IT IS YOU who wants to leave"... .  and I STUCK WITH THE SCRIPT that HE was THROWING US OUT... .  I even took his arm and PUSHED MY ARM toward the door. He STOPPED and said that "he was trying to talk to me"... .  

I sat down and he talked for the next HOUR... .  circular conversation. further dysregulation. I sat and listened. I stated how I had heard him, suggested how we could "talk better" and told him that "I was not following him" (his 7th time to repeat a 3 minute "explanation" of WHAT I DO that is DISRESPECTFUL to him.

I asked him to "release" me so that I could go to my choir rehearsal (Mon.) and he told me that I was "NOT GOING TO DRIVE HIS CAR, USE HIS GAS"< that I was "NOT GOING to choir"... .  I sat for 15 minutes longer and headed toward the door with my music... .  my son was sitting by the door... .  he said something about me disrespecting him and I LAID INTO HIM. I told him that I know that he has FELT disrespected and that I have meant NO disrespect and that I have apologized several times but HE HAS DISRESPECTED ME and WOUNDED ME TO THE VERY CORE OF MY BEING. I really don't WANT to talk with him about this... .  It reminds him of how he has FAILED ME AGAIN... .  he HAD promised his love, marriage, etc. to me and since all that has "fallen through the cracks", I have NOTHING to stay for. HE HAS TAKEN BACK his word and I am left with nothing; no husband and lover and friend, no house, car or any security that my son and I would be provided for if he would die suddenly. I just "don't go there".

I walked out with my son, told him that "if we go to a shelter, I will have a police officer bring YOUR car back"... .  he called and left message since I would not pick up. I called and gave him a statement that we will be back with his car after rehearsal and then I hung up.

Got back to the house and he and I did not talk for about 20 minutes... .  I let HIM initiate. He actually tried to talk afterward... .  and agreed to go to counseling for US to talk to each other. He SEES now that I have withdrawn and I told him that "My heart is crushed, I have experiences broken promises and shattered dreams and I have healing to do before I consider ANY relationship"... .  OH, he already KNOWS that I AM WILLING AND PLANNING ON LEAVING... .  

He spoke kindly to me. I am still not hopeful at all. He asked how my 2nd choir rehearsal went, he actually GOT OFF OF HIS COMPUTER and sat and talked with me. I am not impressed. It's a "too little, WAY too late" sort of thing to me. The damage HAS BEEN DONE. I had told him before that he would "have to WIN my heart back"... .  I was NOT kidding.

My son and I are really doing ok... .  I talked to my counselor about it and requested that she "push" to get us a counselor... .  my uBPDso suggested that SHE mediate us, like he wanted to SHOW HOW I WAS NOT TREATING HIM WITH RESPECT but would do it in front of her... .  *TWIST* whatever... .  I am still planning on leaving. We agreed to NOT TALK or get into "any discussion" without a mediator and I have requested a counselor who will sit, listen, mediate and make suggestions to us (who is versed and knowledgeable in DBT/CBT). I am accepting NO PROMISES from him and only hope that some of the ones that he HAS ALREADY MADE will be fulfilled... .  he owes me that much. If not, then I will leave, eventually, with myself and my son INTACT... .  

[LoveNotWar]

Wow... .  I'm sorry... .  that's so frustrating and exhausting.

Now that I've been out of a r/s w/ a BPD for almost 7 months I can see very clearly how the need for power and control drives that verbally abusive behavior.

I wish you the strength to follow your heart and do what's best for you and your son! 

LNW

[real lady]

I wish you the strength to follow your heart and do what's best for you and your son.   LNW

Thank you   LNW... .  we are actually doing pretty well and IF uBPDso "pulls it again" so will we, up to and including being taken to a "shelter"... .  I just don't see how he COULD ever do this to me... .  something must be getting through that I will NOT live this way and am WILLING to GO. It triggers his abandonment I think but he may be realizing that HE is the one pushing ME away. Following my heart and taking care of my son and myself... .  thanks.

Glad to hear that you are OUT of a BPD relationship... .  it is a different world I know. What craziness we endure. Have you followed up with counseling or do you think that you are well into your healing journey now? Wishing you the best... .  thanks for commenting... .  

[LoveNotWar]

I did therapy when I was in the relationship but now that I'm out I feel pretty good. I will go back if I find myself falling into unhealthy relationship habits again. Sometimes I have a wave of anger but I figure that's just normal and I ride it out.

So far so good, none of those exceptional, incredible highs, but no crazy drama and terrible scenes either! I'm happy I'm out that's for sure! 

LNW

[sunrising]

My relationship with my exwBPD essentially ended when I "called her bluff".   She was out of town and trying her usual game of guilting me and threatening me with ending the relationship.   For the first time in 2+ years, I didn't respond by frantically trying to save the relationship.  I calmly told her the relationship wasn't over, but that I wasn't going to participate in guilt/ threats.   The next day, she ratcheted up her tantrum in several ways, including involving her parents and saying "I hope if something happens to me, you'll at least feel a little bad".  I remained calm, and said, "If something happens to you, that will be your decision.   Again, I'm not participating in guilt games".   The next day, she checked herself into a mental facility, where she stayed 5 days and was diagnosed with BPD.  She moved out 3 days after leaving the hospital.  We never discussed our relationship again, though I made it clear I was open to that.

I'd have been overrun with guilt from "sending her over the edge" had it not been for the reinforcement of our couples therapist who assured me I had done the right thing in being consistent with "calling her bluff".  

[real lady]

 I calmly told her the relationship wasn't over, but that I wasn't going to participate in guilt/ threats.

I feel the SAME way. I will not give into his "guilting" me into action that I do not want to take. I am really UNABLE to tell him that I do not feel guilt, it only reinforces ABANDONMENT in his eyes since I am not "attached" enough to allow myself to "feel the pain that he is inflicting" upon me. 

I'd have been overrun with guilt from "sending her over the edge" had it not been for the reinforcement of our couples therapist who assured me I had done the right thing in being consistent with "calling her bluff".  

But ((sunrising))... .   SHE GOT HELP because of you.   SHE was DIAGNOSED and may be getting treatment and MAY have a better life someday BECAUSE you "called her bluff" and would not allow her to manipulate her. You did not let her succeed in disrespecting and manipulating you. ANY person deserves to run up against OUR boundaries. They are there to protect us... .  it was "letting her deal with the consequences of her behavior" MORE than you "sending her over the edge"... .  hon, she didn't need the push; just the "excuse" and healthy behavior is their excuse. You did good. So glad that your therapists affirmed your choice... .  good for you for getting free.

[real lady]

OK... .  I THOUGHT we had agreed to NOT get into any discussions about "how I disrespect him by interrupting" (actually JUST common give and take conversation... .  unless it is a soliloquy, he is NOT happy... .  give him a soapbox.  )

Tonight... .  we were "talking normally for a minute"... .  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN that he is UNABLE TO TALK NORMALLY like this and then I heard "the anger" in his voice. I STOPPED and decided to DRAW A LINE and plant a reminder... .  

I said "May I say something? (he answered slightly tersely "yes" )... .  "When you said that I felt that I heard anger in your voice toward me"... .  

SIMPLE STATEMENT... .  no saying that I was hurt, etc... .  

He started to "GO OFF" on his "dissertation" when I said "WE AGREED TO NOT TALK WITHOUT A MEDIATOR". Whatever I did that "angered" you, write it down... .  

I REALIZED even more that I can not even have a SIMPLE F-N conversation about "nothing" with him... .  some would call this CONTROLLING behavior on his part. I told him "I understand how this is... .  I interrupted you, in what I feel is normal conversation and it angers you to the point that we cannot discuss things further, I understand it now".

He has been silent with me since then. I did VERBALIZE that I preferred SILENCE TO YELLING... .  

NO, I realize that THIS IS NOT A NORMAL OR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP at all and the saddest part about it is that he is LOSING me again for NOTHING.

[sunrising]

But ((sunrising))... .   SHE GOT HELP because of you.   SHE was DIAGNOSED and may be getting treatment and MAY have a better life someday BECAUSE you "called her bluff" and would not allow her to manipulate

You know, real lady, no one has pointed this out to me. Thank you.  We've been broken up for 5 weeks now and I am still struggling to this day with the fact that I can't support her.   It's such a weird situation because she moved to a big city about a year ago, specifically to be with me (we were in a long distance r/s for a year before that).  My guilt about not being able to support her has been compounded by the fact that she stayed in this big city after our break, where she truly has no close friends.  She's a nurse, so she could easily move back where she came from, which is closer to where her son is and she has more friends.  Her decision to stay here was mysterious to me, but I have thought every day about how she really "has no one" here.    

Your assessment, though, revealed to me that I gave her the ultimate support by getting her diagnosed and into treatment.  She kept saying a phrase to me the week of her breakdown: "You've never talked to me like this".  I shared that with my therapist who replied, "She's right.  It's likely NO ONE has ever talked to her this way, but all you did was be consistent with your values, with which I agree".

I think you just took some guilt off my shoulders, real lady.   Thank you!

sunrising

[Themis]

Someone mentioned power and control. I feel my pwBPD does this.

The time I had the guts to call their bluff when they said they were leaving and flinging their stuff around they admitted they had no-where to go.

'He seems to do this to get panic out of me and win any argument.

If I stood up for myself he'd scream about leaving.

I do fall for it because I don't want him to actually act out his threat and do something that would create chaos.

How did you know for sure when they are bluffing?

The act is very convincing.

[real lady]

But ((sunrising))... .   SHE GOT HELP because of you.   SHE was DIAGNOSED and may be getting treatment and MAY have a better life someday BECAUSE you "called her bluff" and would not allow her to manipulate

You know, real lady, no one has pointed this out to me. Thank you. --- 

Your assessment, though, revealed to me that I gave her the ultimate support by getting her diagnosed and into treatment.  She kept saying a phrase to me the week of her breakdown: "You've never talked to me like this".  I shared that with my therapist who replied, "She's right.  It's likely NO ONE has ever talked to her this way, but all you did was be consistent with your values, with which I agree". I think you just took some guilt off my shoulders, real lady.   Thank you.

 I am so glad ((splintinga))   Take care of YOU 

Someone mentioned power and control. I feel my pwBPD does this.

Well anytime any person threatens to THROW US OUT and then "back pedals" on it, it seems to me that they are trying to USE words to intimidate and control. My uBPDso has also said many times and in many ways that he does love me, wants this relationship to work out and would NOT want to NOT have me with him,etc... .  so I KNOW that it was a POWER over issue where he was trying to "get me to obey" so "he could feel better"... .  and it isn't even about me. It is about HIM and HIS MENTAL and emotional ILLNESS.

The time I had the guts to call their bluff when they said they were leaving and flinging their stuff around they admitted they had no-where to go.'He seems to do this to get panic out of me and win any argument.

Almost seems like they fear abandonment and "leave first" to get control but then realize that they DON'T have the power to leave and feel angry with themselves for being dependent on someone else.

If I stood up for myself he'd scream about leaving. I do fall for it because I don't want him to actually act out his threat and do something that would create chaos.

ONE very important thing that I have learned on this board is that A PWBPD IS STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR... .  no matter how much they blame us, how much they deflect their responsibility, he is an ADULT and even though he doesn't act like one, HE is responsible for failure of a relationship, etc. THREATENING is ABUSIVE and MANIPULATING not respectful and loving behavior. When we "set a boundary" and KEEP IT, at first they will "act out" as best they can to SCARE US into BACKING DOWN or OFF of our boundary. Standing firm tells them that they are UNABLE TO MANIPULATE US and they will eventually STOP trying because it does not get them the reward they were seeking.

How did you know for sure when they are bluffing?

The act is very convincing.

Most threats are just that... .  THREATS. If he says he will leave... .  JUST ONE TIME... .  say "I understand, I anger you and you don't deserve that. I am sorry but if you must leave to find peace I would understand"... .  this will take the (power) "threat" of LEAVING YOU out of his hands and he will see that "it doesn't control you" so he will stop... .  

THAT is EXACTLY why I called his bluff.

If he REALLY wants me to be gone, he can have it... .  right now.

I have let him know that though it is the worst thing that HE COULD DO TO ME to THROW ME OUT that I WOULD WILLINGLY GO and NEVER and I really mean NEVER< EVER come back. I would walk out or be pushed out but I would NOT LOOK BACK... .  ever.

After this incident, I don't see him using it as a threat with me anymore. He is starting to talk about how he "pays for everything"... .  like DUH, he invited me to his home, we were going to be married, have my son with us, got two puppies and I still have NOTHING on paper that says that if anything happens to him that I and my son will not be homeless. He has given me NOTHING, taken any security, dashed any hopes, broken promises, shattered dreams... .  like with a person with BPD is MORE H*LL than Heaven... .  BPD Heaven is not a real place... .  it is just a temporary manic "high" and disappears even faster than it appeared... .  it is just a mirage anyways.

Well, in "pulling the slack out of his rope", he has been "careful" but he TRIED to dysregulate yesterday over "his issue" that he has blamed me as being 95% of "our problem"... .  IF I had this problem with him, it would be NO problem for me because I respect him and can communicate fluidly... .  he has to "give a lecture"... .  yesterday, he went on and on about three news items that I did not even respond to with more than a "uh-huh" ... .  any more opinion from me will "set him up" to dysregulate, really... .  he is THAT severe.

IF this problem REALLY WAS 95% of our problem and he could NOT GET OVER IT, he could NOT respect me enough to "let me talk the way that I talk", then I would say that he is IMMATURE and controlling and he is a fool for LOSING his first love again over this. It also means that he loves me very much, WANTS to "work it out" (or have me correct this and I am to the point of saying "THIS IS ME, accept me or say goodbye"... .  it is THAT serious to him and to me from these different sides. It also shows me that IF he did not have BPD or mental/emotional illness that WE WOULD HAVE THE MOST WONDERFUL LOVE EVER because he has not blamed me for anything more than this... .  LITTLE PETTY WORKABLE FIXABLE "annoyance" to him but he is unable to see that HE IS ANNOYED and HE NEEDS TO deal with it since the only thing that I can do is NOT share, not talk, not give opinion, not freely communicate with him... .  I just keep my mouth SHUT.

Love cannot exist without connection and he has seemingly effectively RUINED this connection and my ability to connect with him. Maybe a counselor "might" be able to show him that HE IS INFLEXIBLE and UNACCEPTING of ME, he needs to RESPECT ME or let me go... .  and that is what I expect from counseling.

[Themis]

Thank you real lady you sure have guts.

I don't think I can call the bluff as I would really be just as screwed as him as we'd both have to couch surf or something.

I don't want that chaos. He's crazy enough to act it out.

[real lady]

I don't think I can call the bluff as I would really be just as screwed as him as we'd both have to couch surf or something.

That is why I called his BLUFF... .  because I know that though he is in BPD pain, he loves me and does NOT want me to leave... .  if I do, he HAS TO make himself the innocent victim and it would be/will be because I am "mean to him"... .   He STILL has not acknowledged ALL that he has done to me, disrespected me, LIED, broken promises... .  etc.

I don't want that chaos. He's crazy enough to act it out.

That was the "other hand"... .  if my uBPDso was "crazy enough to act it out", then I would be GONE, albeit under the WORSE circumstances that I would ever imagine or HAVE TO go through but it would SHUT the door on that relationship forever and it would be HIM that ended it ... .  again. I could leave knowing that I tried my best. If he wants me gone and will try it again, I can only hope that I don't have to "call him on it"... .  overall I think that he WILL NOT use it as a threat since I was SO WILLING to go. He knows that I have one foot out the door already with my bags in my hand.

It is so very sad that these ILL people, whom we love, treat themselves and us SO badly that we don't want to be with them. He was my first love, passionate and loving, caring and protective, supportive and respectful... .  or at least I thought. We were "soul mates" and I still believe that IF IF IF he would get treatment, stay in therapy, etc... .  HE could turn his life around and WE could have the love and lover that very few know... .  but that is too good of a dream to hold onto... .  a LONG shot.

[slimmiller]

Reading this thread confirms my thinking on 'disarmament' so to speak.

It took me about two years to really call mines' bluff which happened yesterday. In her raging she again for the millionth time threatened to take the children and leave and I would see them 'every other weekend'. Now mind you the only consistent parent my children have known for years is me. The oldest hates when he is around her by himself. Our disolution clearly states 'equal time' parenting (which was against my wishes due to her instability but it was the only option that prevented an otherwise all out custody war)

I calmly asked her "do you have a plan" She said "no"  I did not leave it at that but instead told her with her school and part time job, "How will you look after the kids?" She said she would have her mom or sister help. Her and I both know thats an idiotic thought. Her mother never liked her own children or her grandchildren and cant wait to get them away from her (Mom is a hardcore Witch BPD) 

Basically I let her know that its not only an option but lets do it. Meaning her not participating in our nesting arrangement with the kids. I was ready to be completely done with dealing with her period, as a parent. An hour later she had completely back petaled. Which kind of sucks as I really am tired of her crap and coming out of the fog feels so good. I am realizing theres literaly nothing she can take from me anymore without her blatantly looking bad.

I think when the 'bluff' becomes just that, a bluff, it scares them. Because for once it causes them to have to take a real look at themselves for a change

[real lady]

Reading this thread confirms my thinking on 'disarmament' so to speak.  

yes, it does TAKE THEIR POWER OVER US away doesn't it... .  when they SEE that we will "let them leave", etc. They have no clue how tired we are and that we just don't have anything left to give them, they can leave and go and we will not stop them, but THAT is NOT what they want... .  

Basically I let her know that its not only an option but lets do it. Meaning her not participating in our nesting arrangement with the kids. I was ready to be completely done with dealing with her period, as a parent. An hour later she had completely back petaled.

You took the hot air out of her sails as they say. She could not GET YOU to back down.

I think that I would have pushed that SHE leave and go to her mom's, sisters and leave the kids with you (if it were possible)... .  if not, maybe suggesting that you see what recourse you have if she doesn't comply with the dissolution. Staying calm ticks them off because it shows that we FINALLY care about OURSELVES and our kids MORE than being in fear or being intimidated by their BPD behavior. It just seems like they are so Narcissistic even if they may not be "Narcissistic Personality Disordered"... .  I think that they have learned that THEY WILL GET THEIR WAY with others UNTIL they run up against our boundaries when we get healthy enough to not allow ourselves to be controlled by them anymore.

I think when the 'bluff' becomes just that, a bluff, it scares them. Because for once it causes them to have to take a real look at themselves for a change

I would like to think that my uBPDso has looked AT himself but I am pretty sure that he "SAW" me and may be looking at me a bit differently. He hasn't dysregulated since and I have had to RESET three boundaries with a curt "NO" or "STOP" or  "CUT IT OUT" to him. He did not respond with dysregulation, I refused to "give him my attention" about it... .  I did not look to see "how" he was dealing with it, I just LET HIM deal with himself and behavior toward me.

[Iced]

I wasn't in a romantic relationship with this person, but I did call their bluff so to speak on the fact that they were so certain I would somehow never think of leaving (I will make note that I never promised such a thing, ever) despite the verbal abuse being hurled at me which included threats.

In my case, it triggered the extinction burst phase which... .  never really fully ended with extinction.

[real lady]

I did call their bluff so to speak on the fact that they were so certain I would somehow never think of leaving (I will make note that I never promised such a thing, ever) despite the verbal abuse being hurled at me which included threats.

((Iced)) I guess that preparing ourselves for the PREDICTABLE WAY that they will react to our normal requests or boundaries is a much needed skill. I don't expect my uBPDso to "act normally" so I am constantly reminded to NOT speak to him "normally". We are both happier for it but for me, I know that this is NOT a normal relationship and FAR BELOW what I would accept out of any starting relationship.

Just wanted to UPDATE:

It has been 8 days now.

There has been NO dysregulation.

There has been MORE kind words from him.

There has been OFFERS of helping financially on a few areas of importance to ME.

There has been more communication that "he and my son get along fine" so I can leave my son WITH him so I can make appointments, etc.

Again, without continued threatening or "trying" from me, I think he KNOWS that I WILL leave if he would push me out again. I think that this has STOPPED HIM from dysregulating to the point of rage; I also have had VERY little contact with him.

He has suggested counseling and he "talks" as if he doesn't expect nor want me to leave so now we are waiting upon a counselor who will "mediate" and I hope to talk JUST AS I DO AT HOME, in my very casual and even "flighty" interruptive way so the counselor will see my uBPDso "rage" at me for it. I plan on being my "normal and happy self" seemingly CLUELESS to his behavior so he doesn't feel that I am picking on him or giving the counselor clues to the reason why I am so unhappy. 

I feel that I am walking a fine like but since I HAVE DECIDED TO LEAVE under any circumstance that presents itself, I am LIVING MY LIFE and letting him deal with his health, time with me, time without me, my seemingly NOT wanting to be with him and purposely NOT being in his presence but a few hours daily... .  It is down to about 5 hrs... LESS time is best. He plays his game and I run the house and spend time with my son and LIVE MY LIFE.

I am STILL very glad that I CALLED HIS BLUFF... .  and WILL do it again if needed. No doubt in my mind or heart in the least. He will SEE that it is HIS CHOICE to behave that way and PUSH ME OUT or he will live without me; either way, eventually, I am GONE... .  sad that he has lost the "love of his life" for a SECOND time. Most don't even get ONE in a lifetime.

[Mike_confused]

I called her bluff.

I didn't think my uBPD wife was bluffing at the time.  We have been married 2.5 years and together 6 years.  She had been saying since last November that she wasn't happy and that she wanted a divorce because it was better for us.    In mid January, she kept hammering on me that she didn't want me there and that I should quit trying.

I took her up on it and moved out to my generations old family home where my son lives. 

She was flabbergasted, saying I abandoned her and neglected.  She still expects me to pay her bills as she doesn't work.  That will not continue.  I am giving her what she said she wanted - a divorce.   I have had all I can take of her abuse and disrespect.

I hope that in the future she can control her mouth with the next guy.   I doubt it.

[Waddams]

When I was finally safe to call uBPDxgf's bluff, she totally flipped.  But it got me out of the final stages of a bad situation.  She left, and I was the devil made flesh, but in the end nobody believed her.  So she moved out of state.

Even if they do back down and clean up their act, in my experience, they eventually start to think that they have to change their behavior to healthy and mature is us being controlling and evil towards them, and they eventually explode again.

uBPDxgf isn't truly evil, and I hope she gets the help she needs and gets better one day.  But I'm still relieved that I am away from all that now.

[real lady]

I called her bluff. I didn't think my uBPD wife was bluffing at the time.

Me too... .  mine seemed to HAVE DECIDED and had threatened and back peddled so many times that I really "knew in my heart" that it was just another threat but I decided to NOT TREAT IT AS A THREAT that would manipulate me and as the KICKING ME OUT as it appears face value. He got to see the CONSEQUENCES of his behavior VERY QUICKLY and how I was READY to go... .  yes, he felt "victimized" and that I was the one who was abandoning him... .  

I took her up on it and moved out to my generations old family home where my son lives.  

When they see that we will DO something FOR ourselves, it seems to be a BIG threat to them and their security in keeping us "WHERE" they need us to be... .  in the fog about how they behave and assuming all the responsibility for it on top of that.

She was flabbergasted, saying I abandoned her and neglected.  She still expects me to pay her bills as she doesn't work.  That will not continue.  I am giving her what she said she wanted - a divorce.  

I expect the SAME kind of behavior from mine but he owns his home, etc... .  I will be the one who is saying that "he owes me" but I will leave with only the clothes on my back and my dignity if nothing else. I suspect that my sister is Histrionic PD and has had several affairs during her over 23+ marriage to my bro-in-law... .  SHE IS DEMANDING SPOUSAL SUPPORT. Ludicrousness. Totally absurd. Just like your wife, if she wants a divorce, she will have to "take" what you are willing to give to her (or the courts allow). They really are so very "entitled" aren't they.

I have had all I can take of her abuse and disrespect.I hope that in the future she can control her mouth with the next guy.   I doubt it.

I agree... .  but try not to torment yourself to "go there" in your mind. It is very likely, if she HAS been faithful to you that she will RUN AND FIND SOMEONE very quickly... .  be thankful that it is no longer you.  

[real lady]

When I was finally safe to call uBPDxgf's bluff, she totally flipped.  But it got me out of the final stages of a bad situation.  She left, and I was the devil made flesh, but in the end nobody believed her.  So she moved out of state.

Like I said, the WORSE thing that could have happened is that I would have "been on the street"... .  not being with a pwBPD who constantly threats to throw us out or leave themselves is no way to have a relationship.

Even if they do back down and clean up their act, in my experience, they eventually start to think that they have to change their behavior to healthy and mature is us being controlling and evil towards them, and they eventually explode again.

Mine has agreed to counseling but I really have NO HOPE that it will bring about anything productive. I will be moving OUT and NEVER HAVING RELATIONSHIP with him again and we have two beautiful mastiff puppies who may not eat for weeks until they realize that we are gone and not coming back. It will break my heart to leave them but I am willing to do it because I may have to.

uBPDxgf isn't truly evil, and I hope she gets the help she needs and gets better one day.  But I'm still relieved that I am away from all that now.

I feel the same way... .  we love them but don't like or cannot tolerate their constant drama and "painting us black". I guess I "just don't care anymore" and just try to "keep things quiet" so we can live with some modicum of decency for myself, my son, our pets and of course, my uBPDso. I have told him that I "want him to be happy and if that is without me, so be it".

Thanks for the replies... .  

[real lady]

Update: 8 days since my last post and STILL NO MORE THREATS.

Matter of fact, I have shown MORE detachment and "less caring" or feeling "responsible" to "take care of him" in every little thing, making it clear that "I have things to do" and therefore am around him less than 4 hrs/day.

It is working for me. I feel MUCH less stress and he KNOWS NOW that I am WANTING TO LEAVE AND READY TO NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN if that is what he really wants. IF he would KICK ME OUT like that, he doesn't deserve to ever see me again and I would NEVER give him the satisfaction of knowing where or how my son and I were. That's just me, I guess. When I am done, I am really DONE. He had better not push again or OUT I will go and I will NOT look back.

[real lady]

UPDATE... .  I just had to look back upon the "time" when I called his "bluff" and wanted to document that he still has not said to me, "get the f out of my house" again. He hasn't even alluded to me leaving. The most that he has said is that the "stress is too much for him" and that I am to blame for his misery but he has not said anything about wanting me to leave. I think he knows that I am ready and willing to go.