An interesting watch

[neverloveagain]

Watched this short video today really helped me. More so the the second half

www.youtu.be/sU305NqXT94

[JerryRG]

Thank you neverloveagain

Very interesting video, I can relate in some ways to the abuse side, I remember when I was a very young child when my mother gave me secret baths late at night in the dark. To this day I don't know why she did this but I do remember the pain and her telling me I was only dreaming and to go back to sleep. It was sexual abuse.

I do recall telling a few people I developed a protector identity of a type of superman that I was invincible and I was powerful. It didn't take long to realize I wasn't powerful and I gave in to reality and gave up hope of ever surviving and thriving wasn't ever an option.

I thought by age 8 or 9 my life was over and I'd been acting out for many years just to get any attention at all. My father the Jeckl/Hyde alcoholic and narcissistic mother trying to control my thoughts and behavior.

I sometimes think I've lost the core of my being and developed this caretaking role especially with regard to family members. Trying to fix people so they are happy and then I can be comfortable as well.

I still feel fake at times but I'm starting to regain a sense of who I am, being with my exBPDgf tore me to shreds but I kept myself in the relationship way past any reasonable length of time.

Giving so much of myself I became lost, drained and worn down. It seemed familier to my role/relationship with both my parents. Desperately trying to win their love and acceptance. Every attempt leading only to frustration and the raising of the bar to a higher standard.

I'm slowly feeling like myself again after one brief contact with my exgf 3 weeks ago, before that it was over 4 months nc. We share custody of a 2 year old boy so nc was limiting my time with our son.

I told my exgf last November I couldn't live with her constant mood changes and drama, chaos, constant aches and pains, disrespect and abusive sarcasms. She found another guy and within a month are engaged.

She told her new bf I raped her and took advantage of her so he believes I'm a monster. I did explain to him it wasn't true and this is her theme of a long list of abusers in her life. Around 8 - 9 rapes? Highly unlikely any of these were actually true.

I'm left with the mystery of what happend and why, I became addicted to the highs and became physically ill from the lows, fights and constant chaos.

I'm working on my recovery but still wish nc with my exgf, our son needs me, I'm not strong enough to take her manipulation and now she has a bf who believes her lies. He's in for the same things I and all her exs got but he's blind right now.

I'm in recovery AA, Alanon and Church, counceling Codependency and I'm actually becoming excited about my life and my future. I still have obsessive addictive thinking about my exgf but emotions are only triggered when I communicate with her. My life is coming back into my being. I feel like I'm being reborn.

Anyway thanks again and I would appreciate any feedback.