Struggling With no contact.

[MickaThaKid]

So it's been almost a month now since my BPDgf decided to end the relationship.  I have literally begged her to take me back but she just says no. I know the relationship was toxic and was slowly killing me I just find it so hard to let go of what we had. I find myself slowly starting to get through the days without wanting to cry and then I'll get a text. "Hey how's it going?" This leads to me getting excited about her again even though she makes it clear that she doesn't want to see me like that again, it sort of gives me hope. I tried to break contact once by blocking her number but it only lasted a few days. I know it's over but I just can't go no contact and I cling to a glimmer of hope.

[Mutt]

Hi MickathaKid,

I can understand how hard letting go would be. I read your post and I get the impression she's likely testing an emotional response to see if there's an attachment.

About a week after we break up for the 5th time

Did you recycle 5 times? She says no and she ended it, is there someone else?

What's the back-story?

[UserName69]

I really believe now it's the time for you to stay strong and try to get over her. Me and my exBPD had 14 breakups in 6 months. Of course in the beginning it's a difficult situation, it's going to take time to heal. I knew nothing about BPD and this was my first rs with a gfBPD so it drove me crazy, it's the craziest relationship I ever had in my life.

You need to combine no contact with other tools, if not it will be very difficult. You need to accept the fact that the relationship is now over, I know it sucks but imagine how many single girls are available   Tell yourself that you want to move on, you want to become a happy person if she stays with you she will only hurt you. I can say this because mine did this every time when we got back to each other.

I got rid of everything that reminds me of her, that was the first step. Delete all the emails, PM's on social media, SMS etc, get rid of all the presents she gave you. Next step is to block her from your life, block her from social media, email, phone etc just in case she want's you back. Soon or late she might contact you and wants you back, it will slow down your process of healing.

You need to stay busy and get distraction so you won't think about her or the relationship you had. I started a couple new hobbies, I have met new friends. I even have now a new girlfriend. I suggest you should do the same, go out and have fun with your buddies, start new hobbies enjoy your life. Your life isn't only about one girl life has other great things to offer.

When I decided to move on I kept reminding my self of all the bad things she did to me. It didn't take long before I was glad I didn't have to deal with her anymore, it will also make no contact very easy to maintain. You can even make a list of it and read it every single time when you want to contact her or miss her. There was a topic about this subject here a while ago.

Whenever I went back to my exBPD she was even worse, I read a lot of similar stories here on the forum. That's why I believe it's a bad move to go back to your exBPD. NC is important because I knew if we stayed friends on FB soon or late she wants me back, this happened before and within two days we had a fight again.

She's your ex now and you want to move on right? That's why you need to think about yourself instead of her. I did all of the above and believe me it did help me to get over her and move on. It's hard but not impossible.

[MickaThaKid]

Hey thanks for the replies they are much appreciated.

The back story with this girl and myself is a long story but ill try to wrap it up quickly. It was a 2 year relationship that started off very quickly. She had a 2 month old son to her ex that was no longer in the picture. Diagnosed Bipolar with Borderline Traits. She had suffered from a physicotic episode just a couple of years before we met. She was and still is living with her parents.

Anyway like I said it all moved very quick, before I knew it, I was ":)ad", I was getting all the praise of being the best thing that had happened to her, how she wanted to marry me, how she found me soo good looking etc.

Also I'd like to mention this was my first serious girlfriend, iv always struggled to go out and look for girls due to self esteem issues.

I found this girl extremely attractive and the feeling was mutual. Not long after we made it official it started. The fights. The constant mood shifts. Attacking me about the smallest things and hating me then loving me literally minutes later. I was astounded the first time I saw these rapid mood shifts.

She tried to break it off with me a few times as we started to get really serious. Warning me about how messed up she was and that she didn't want to hurt me. I always reassured her that I was going to be there for her 100% etc.

Her mother and father are very nice people that had obviously put up with allot with this girl. I start to here from my ex how her mum had never loved her as much as she loved her older sister. Telling me stories of favoritism and emotional neglect. I found this very troubling as my parents had nothing but unconditional love for me and my 3 sisters.

After a stint of missing meds and loosing control for long periods of time. My ex ended up in a voluntary Mother Baby physic unit to help get her on the right meds etc. After speaking with multiple doctors and physyciatrists, it was made very clear to them that her issues where stemming from her mother's neglect. The solution was medication and group therapy with her mother and sister. This was never organised very well and was swiftly avoided by the mother and sister.

My ex had always talked about moving out, and after all this, I took the steps ( and loans ) to make it  happen. We moved out about a week after her family had got back from one of they're holidays that we where never invited to. Once we where all settled in, fights started quickly. I lost my cool one day and screamed at her louder than I had before. She took her child and left. Break Up.

I managed to get her back but things where not really the same. I was very troubled by this backwards step. Running back to the same people she told me she needed space from. 

Break ups became more frequent after that. I was no longer aloud to have much of a say in raising her child. I was just aloud to be there for her and not much else.

I started harbouring resentment and anger towards her and it came out in other ways. I started smoking cigarettes again, lying to her about smoking because she hated it and had threatened to leave me if I started to smoke again. So this led me to spend less and less time with her. (She needs allot of attention). I just felt exhausted all the time.

After a plethora of mini break ups (that I was actually agreeing to but once I agreed to them she would hug me again and say "I love you" She finally decided to stop trying. I was so sick of it at this point that I protested and said no we can work things out etc.

We ended up splitting ways, I was OK for about a week. Then it all started, the feelings of emptiness, that what ifs, I miss her etc.

Since writing my initial post I have seen her 4 times and have found out that she has jumped onto online dating and already slept with 2 people. She told me about it and said she was very ashamed and discussed with herself etc.

She still says that she wants to remain friends and that's it, all while holding my hand occasionally, telling me she loves me. Also not correcting her now 20 month old sun from calling me Daddy and saying it herself aswell " say goodnight to daddy". Iv gone round there the last 3 nights. Gone out for dinner and watched a movie with her after. Every time I get frustrated and say things like  " can we try to work things out slowly" she say that's not sure what she wants and that she doesn't want to hurt me. It's so hard, but as long as she's calling me and wanting to hang out I just can't say no. I'm like a junkie hooked on a drug. I still think there is hope and I don't want her doing anymore damage so the more im around the less acting out from  her. I give her leniency because of her condition. I feel like an idiot. I know what to do to get myself better after extensive hours of reading on her condition and bettering myself etc. Its just so hard.

[MickaThaKid]

First break up I left and and she begged me to come back.

Second break up i left and she begged me to come back.

Third Break up she left the house and I gave her an ultimatum, "come back or its over" she said no and said its over. A few days later I begged her to come back.

Fourth break up she ended it and i begged her to come back.

And the last one is explained in the above post.

[LimboFL]

I will add to username's sage advice with this. To be clear going no contact was the hardest thing I have had to do. I loved/still love my ex deeply but will never forgive her. I saw it going the distance. 4 years is how long that distance lasted before she broke boundaries that I could not accept, no matter what her reasons.

At the end of it all, the only thing we have left is our dignity. This is all we have left to preserve and it can only be preserved if we take back the power that our ex's have over us. The only way to take back the power and a sense of control is to cut them out for good. I never begged, nor did I ever allow her to see the true pain I was in, when she broke those boundaries and I walked, for good. We had a brief two day recycle, because she had a genuine emergency concerning a precious dog that I loved and cared for so I couldn't ignore it, she love bombed me and then backed off. I then caught her in another lie and asked her to please never contact me again.

At this point, the calls for you to break no contact to heal are not powerful enough to get you to do what you need to do, but I am hoping that the preservation of what is left of your dignity and pride are enough. This is not about manning up. I cried buckets and went through crushing pain, so in no way am I suggesting it will be easy but you need to find something that motivates you to stand strong and I am hoping that dignity is the key. Put another way, no woman will ever respect a man who needs her so badly that he buckles into heaping ball on the floor. The relationship is over so now find that strength to show her that you are worth more and that you don't need her. That there is a child involved makes it that much harder. As mentioned, I had leave two dogs I absolutely loved and when I asked her to no longer contact me, I know that the dog who followed me around lovingly for 4 years was dying. It still kills me. I know that these are not children but really they aren't that much different in how animals grab your heart. I didn't get to be there. I have a son from my former marriage so I understand the difference.

Anyway, again, you have tried and have only come out looking far worse to her than if you simply walked. Now it's time to take the power back. How nice is it for her to have you to reach out to whenever she wants. Take the power back and cut her out so that she truly understands the cost of no longer having you in her life.

Stay strong and follow username's advise on all other fronts. I tossed everything, everything. This is the only way for you to heal otherwise you live in this emotional purgatory indefinitely.   

[UserName69]

no woman will ever respect a man who needs her so badly that he buckles into heaping ball on the floor.

This is so true. Many girls really enjoy this, they enjoy the power and control they got over a person. Don't give them this joy, they expect you to do this. If you want to slap them back move on. Especially for a pwBPD this will be an enormous slap in the face they'll never forget. Why? Because you told her that you don't care about her anymore and you moved on.

What LimboFL wrote her really reminds me of what my exBPD said once. She told me that she and a bf ended a rs. He begged her so much she invited him to her place, he cried and he wanted her back. She told him go and beg on your knees. He did, when he did she laughed and kicked him out of her house. She told me that she really enjoyed this moment of seeing him crying and begging on his knees.

The guy she used to be with before me. Same story. She was the one who kicked him out. At one day he started to cry and she slapped him in the face. She told me from the moment he cried I lost all respect for him that's why I slept him.

Don't give them that joy, you're way to good to be their toy. Instead move on, ignore her this will struck her like lighting if she sees that you have improved, stopped caring about her and eventually when you get a new gf she will explode from inside.

I know that these are not children but really they aren't that much different in how animals grab your heart.

Only an animal lover will understand this. When I was younger I never understood why people cried when their pets died. When I got a cat I started to see that your pet is becoming a member of the family and I really consider him as a younger brother. I still get those weird looks of people when I talk and play with my cat they think I'm crazy. 

Anyway, again, you have tried and have only come out looking far worse to her than if you simply walked. Now it's time to take the power back. How nice is it for her to have you to reach out to whenever she wants.

That's why they want to keep you as a "friend". Mine did that too. She dumped me but still wanted all my attention like nothing happened. Don't stay friends with your exBPD she will slow down your healing process and eventually she's going to drag you back.

You need to move on now, even if you get back to her she's going to hurt you even more I can promise you that. It's up to you and believe me there are so many girls on this planet your exBPD is nothing compared to the rest of them. Stay strong, I know it's hard but not impossible.

[Mutt]

I can understand how hard all of this would be.

I give her leniency because of her condition. I feel like an idiot.

Don't be hard on yourself.

I think it sends mixed messages if she doesn't want you to be hands on with her son and the son calls you daddy and she encourages it with saying good night to daddy She also says that she wants to be friends and she's holding hands.

It's sad to hear that something positive like group therapy didn't work out because her mother and sister didn't participate. It's such a shame.

You want things to move slowly. I can understand how frustrating this would all be, your thread title says no contact. Have you thought about low contact to assuage some of the tension and stress?

We do have different boards were we can help. The leaving board is to help members detach, have a post mortem and rebuild. You may want to share on the undecided board and step back and look at the big picture and carefully look at all of your options. The staying board can help with boundaries and relationship tools for a pwBPD and tools that you can apply with inter-personal relationships.

[Infared]

Micka... .my heart goes out to you.

I have to agree with what every man here says.

Mine treated me much worse than yours and then just expected me to be there for her whenever she pleased. I was dumbfounded and hurt all at the same time. Like the guys have said, mine too, was clearly enjoying herself. It's really sad though, (and just for me, I also believe it's out right mental illness to have such little personal character that you enjoy having power over someone who deeply cares about you and loves you that you have the "need" to treat them with such disrespect). Mine was clearly "getting off" on her power in the triangle. That was all that mattered to her. Sick stuff.

It's also upsetting to know that she is damaging a child, too with her behavior, with no care or awareness that what she does is hurting him very deeply. She is a very sick person who needs help. Unfortunately, like the other men here have stated you cannot help her. She sees nothing wrong with her behavior.

All you can do is save yourself.  I hadto dig deep and grab hold of my dignity and just cut mine off. It was the hardest thing that I ever did. I laid in a fetal position crying, night after night... .but I never let her see any of it. I also never talked to her again once I made my decision to take care of me. I was just some kind of play toy to her. It had to end.

I believe that this behavior is caused by childhood damage and trauma... .it runs very, very deep. It is confounding after we are hooked, especially if we are deeply sensitive like you sound.

I wish you well and hope that you can find your way.

[FrenchConnection]

Your heart tells you one thing.  But in this case your heart is wrong.  You are a sensitive person like me.  I always listen to my heart.  But in this instance your heart is wrong and you need to pay attention to your head and intuition. 

This person is sick with something she can not understand herself.  And you will never heal her or bring her out of this way of being.  No amount of love in the world can change her.  She does not know or understand what real love is.  So if you think you can change her behaviour by giving her love you are only hurting yourself and not doing her any good at all.

What she needs is to realize she has a problem.  That her thought process is not correct nor her understanding of love and acceptance.  And once she understands that she will have to seek professional help to get her to a healthier place in her life. 

We have all been in your shoes.  So you are not alone in this struggle or pain.  But the healthiest thing you can do (for you and her) is never contact her again.   If you want to make a difference in her life for the better, do not contact her again.  And pray one day that she understands she needs professional help and takes steps to make her life better.

[MickaThaKid]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I'm ashamed to say that this week I have seen her everyday. She has asked me out to dinner followed by a movie everyday this week.

She is still in 2 minds on our relationship and insists 99% of the time that she does not want to get back into a relationship with me. We have had a couple of arguments over her still using online dating but it gets knowhere because she can justify it because we arnt officially together. What am I doing

She basically just wants to be friends that have sex. All on her terms. It's absolutely disgusting to me. Like today I haven't heard from her at all and I checked her online dating profile and she's been logged in all day. Pffft I mean nothing to her.

It's on me. I need to take the leap. Maybe hating her would make it easier. Hating her only ever lasts a few days .

Thanks again for the replies.

[Infared]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I'm ashamed to say that this week I have seen her everyday. She has asked me out to dinner followed by a movie everyday this week.

She is still in 2 minds on our relationship and insists 99% of the time that she does not want to get back into a relationship with me. We have had a couple of arguments over her still using online dating but it gets knowhere because she can justify it because we arnt officially together. What am I doing

She basically just wants to be friends that have sex. All on her terms. It's absolutely disgusting to me. Like today I haven't heard from her at all and I checked her online dating profile and she's been logged in all day. Pffft I mean nothing to her.

It's on me. I need to take the leap. Maybe hating her would make it easier. Hating her only ever lasts a few days .

Thanks again for the replies.

Micka... she is an extremely weak person. She is just using you for support, on her terms until she hooks her next fish.  I was foolish enough to do that too in my life... .it was gruesome for me.

[myself]

Maybe hating her would make it easier.

It's about loving yourself, not hating someone else.

[Loosestrife]

Hi,

I'm also struggling with NC. My exBPD partner and  I agreed  NC as we have recycled so many times and this time (after being dumped again) I said I needed NC. Despite the agreement, she contacted me after just 1 day of NC to tell me how much she loves me. I replied as I was weak. In summary, she baited me and I have given her the control back. I am going to try and start again and take the advice from the comments in this thread, and mark off one day at a time that I manage NC. I think dignity is the key word here and as long as you are in contact with your ex you have none. She has basically said you are not good enough for her to have a relationship with,but she will use you whilst she looks for your replacement. Come on, let's get a grip, get busy and take the power back 

[GotOut]

Micka, as many folks have mentioned in this thread, the only healthy option I see is strict NC. It's a difficult decision to make, but you need to do it for your own well-being. I'm 90 days NC and I still ruminate about the "good times" but the reality is clear - we cannot cure them.  They will continue to inflict emotional damage until we take control of the situation.  That means leaving them and healing ourselves.  It's going to be painful, but with time you will begin to feel better both physically and mentally.