So, I got therapy because it is my fault

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

... .and I am sure he wishes I did not now.  He said I was crazy, all my fault, so I got therapy.  2wice a week even.  Now, therapy is agreeing it is Divorce time.  And then some more things... .

I would put this in 'Relationship ended' but I have not served him with Divorce papers yet---so I know the Big Blow up will come once he is served. 

So for now... .I am still going nutty within, trying to breathe and figure out every answer on my own.  I have emotionally moved on for my protection and my baby--but I have no clue what his insanity is thinking right now and I have not said more than a sentence to him since Monday night (day he left me at Birth Center, me with out a ride, hour away from home, without him going to baby appt with me)

So, I had my NAMI meeting today.  We spoke with how to cope with family members in mental disorders.  The exercise we all had to do was write, briefly, what your #1 issue right now is.  Just the #1 issue, briefly.  My reply: Money to get a Divorce, money to move and money to raise my family (me and unborn baby).  I got all my numbers calculated what it will cost me too.  So, they choose randomly just ONE persons survey to talk about.  And wouldnt you know it... .me, lil Ms. tries to win but finishes last, got picked!    YAY!

The group could then brainstorm what is really going on, what the real issue is, real solutions, just a good ol' brain picking exercise.  I expected the group to start with why NOT to Divorce (as I know I will be stigmatized for) and so, well, after many questions and I answered them all, everyone agreed: Divorce.  Then they all added: Retraining order for spousal abuse, get to a preggo shelter immediately for domestic violence, and wow, I am crying here typing this.  I know I said it is Divorce time, but WOW, this was never suppose to be, ever.  He was once a great soul.  I guess I am still burying him... .

Plus I have a hard time asking for help.  I dont want to bother people, I want to forgive him and move forward, I am embarrassed I allowed me to be abused, I am very sad he is abusive, I really want to protect him.  And ya, truly an abused women I can see how I look at asking for help.  I want to protect the abuser, forgive, and be with the man I married.  My soul is breaking.  I have to figure this out, now.  In 2 weeks, my ride to the city will be gone.  Which means, no more baby, psyche or food appts or shopping done for over a month.  I have no cash for my registration since he somehow spent all our savings, somewhere, but ofcourse, says I spent it (, he holds all the cards, so, how that makes sense... .ya, exactly.)  And ofcourse he waited until bills were DUE day of to tell me credit card is behind and my car is non-op for non-payment.  So with my last 911 cash, I gave to him.  I didnt have money for my registration so that paid the credit card for a month. 

I couldnt write a worse novel or feel any lower right now.  I still have my passion to fight my way out of this nightmare, yes.  I will always fight for my baby, always.  But, just letting it out here.  Oh, and the group tried to brainstorm money making ideas.  Nothing stuck.  I am rural.  I am cashless.  I am car-less.  I am alot of 'less' now so there really is NOT many options.  We all thought long and hard----in the end, after all the ideas, and me on my car ride home for an hour, all I could think of is doing preggo belly video YouTube something--I would just film my belly growing or something, ppl can be so weird, have some strange likes, it could be some kind of belly fetish, sigh, I dunno.  Its not really porno, just a shot of my belly growing... .Ive heard of people having things for feet, so maybe?  People PAY people to eat on video, seriously, it's a real high paying thing if ppl want to see you eat food.  But,  ofcourse I have a but, being rural means my inet connection is intermediate--in and out, strong and weak---who wants to see people freeze up on the screen... .ya

Just breathing here, trying to think my way through it all.  Trying to call, research, email, everything, anywhere, and I am focusing on bootstrapping my way out and over to the Netherlands.  It's not plausible, but it's possible.

[AngelBuds]

... .and I am sure he wishes I did not now.  He said I was crazy, all my fault, so I got therapy.  2wice a week even.  Now, therapy is agreeing it is Divorce time.  And then some more things... .

I would put this in 'Relationship ended' but I have not served him with Divorce papers yet---so I know the Big Blow up will come once he is served. 

So for now... .I am still going nutty within, trying to breathe and figure out every answer on my own.  I have emotionally moved on for my protection and my baby--but I have no clue what his insanity is thinking right now and I have not said more than a sentence to him since Monday night (day he left me at Birth Center, me with out a ride, hour away from home, without him going to baby appt with me)

So, I had my NAMI meeting today.  We spoke with how to cope with family members in mental disorders.  The exercise we all had to do was write, briefly, what your #1 issue right now is.  Just the #1 issue, briefly.  My reply: Money to get a Divorce, money to move and money to raise my family (me and unborn baby).  I got all my numbers calculated what it will cost me too.  So, they choose randomly just ONE persons survey to talk about.  And wouldnt you know it... .me, lil Ms. tries to win but finishes last, got picked!    YAY!

The group could then brainstorm what is really going on, what the real issue is, real solutions, just a good ol' brain picking exercise.  I expected the group to start with why NOT to Divorce (as I know I will be stigmatized for) and so, well, after many questions and I answered them all, everyone agreed: Divorce.  Then they all added: Retraining order for spousal abuse, get to a preggo shelter immediately for domestic violence, and wow, I am crying here typing this.  I know I said it is Divorce time, but WOW, this was never suppose to be, ever.  He was once a great soul.  I guess I am still burying him... .

Plus I have a hard time asking for help.  I dont want to bother people, I want to forgive him and move forward, I am embarrassed I allowed me to be abused, I am very sad he is abusive, I really want to protect him.  And ya, truly an abused women I can see how I look at asking for help.  I want to protect the abuser, forgive, and be with the man I married.  My soul is breaking.  I have to figure this out, now.  In 2 weeks, my ride to the city will be gone.  Which means, no more baby, psyche or food appts or shopping done for over a month.  I have no cash for my registration since he somehow spent all our savings, somewhere, but ofcourse, says I spent it (, he holds all the cards, so, how that makes sense... .ya, exactly.)  And ofcourse he waited until bills were DUE day of to tell me credit card is behind and my car is non-op for non-payment.  So with my last 911 cash, I gave to him.  I didnt have money for my registration so that paid the credit card for a month. 

I couldnt write a worse novel or feel any lower right now.  I still have my passion to fight my way out of this nightmare, yes.  I will always fight for my baby, always.  But, just letting it out here.  Oh, and the group tried to brainstorm money making ideas.  Nothing stuck.  I am rural.  I am cashless.  I am car-less.  I am alot of 'less' now so there really is NOT many options.  We all thought long and hard----in the end, after all the ideas, and me on my car ride home for an hour, all I could think of is doing preggo belly video YouTube something--I would just film my belly growing or something, ppl can be so weird, have some strange likes, it could be some kind of belly fetish, sigh, I dunno.  Its not really porno, just a shot of my belly growing... .Ive heard of people having things for feet, so maybe?  People PAY people to eat on video, seriously, it's a real high paying thing if ppl want to see you eat food.  But,  ofcourse I have a but, being rural means my inet connection is intermediate--in and out, strong and weak---who wants to see people freeze up on the screen... .ya

Just breathing here, trying to think my way through it all.  Trying to call, research, email, everything, anywhere, and I am focusing on bootstrapping my way out and over to the Netherlands.  It's not plausible, but it's possible.

[AngelBuds]

'Emotionally moved on' was wrong phrase... .what I meant: I have tried to accept the fact Divorce is inevitable if I want to survive with my child. 

[MeandThee29]

Sending me to therapy to "fix" me is how our separation came about. I went to a new therapist, just one picked at random from the insurance list.

My usual one (which he has seen and hates BTW) was out of town, but she's been telling me for some time that the marriage was over but agreed to teach me coping skills.

Therapist #2 recommended separation in the first session. She is a family therapist and said that marriage therapy was out until we both got help. He called to see what she said, I told him, and that was our separation date.

I've heard such good things about NAMI, but have never been. A friend is encouraging me to go in October.

Hang in there. From what you've posted, you're on the right track.

[AngelBuds]

MeeandThee29, thank you.  Ive been using this website as an extention of my diary I already keep.  The story I have posted here is wordy, and that's after I try to make it short.  But, ya... .I think I am kicking a dead horse or I am about to be the dead horse if I stay... .SO, against everything in my being, and forget what ppl say, I am ending the cycle of abuse here and now.  My family (my unborn baby and me) will not suffer for a Father who refuses to even 'think' about getting help and blaming me.  Sick sick sick and his family is no less sick, I just thought he was different.  Oh wow, is he different.  After 5 years, he decides to be this (decides I type, who knows but since he refuses treatment, I can only guess and grab at words... .)  Insanity.  I think 12 months of torture is too long and I am so disappointed in myself that I sacrificed ME to help HIM who does not WANT help (the caps are for me, to get it thro my thick thick skull :0) )

I hope you are safe now since you are heading down that road to D, are you?  I am terrified when I serve him it will be a blow out I have yet to experience and THAT IS beyond terrifying and it scares me for my parents. Since he has proven to me to be ready for the UNexpected and insane, ya... .oh wow, no good.  Are you remembering your self-care? I really have to remind myself to stop obsessing over my marriage and stay focused on everything else.  But, you may have accepted all your situation awhile ago it sounds like... .can I ask, did you emotionally bury him?  Is it BPD diagnosed or symptoms? 

I am so beyond grateful for the support I have received here and a huge HUGE thank you to NAMI.  Seriously, they are amazing.  On the inet, over the phone and in person-they got you covered.  If they do not have an answer for you, they will try to locate the resources for you.  If you still need help, they will keep trying until you are helped.  And, all free.  I cannot believe it and I want to hug every single donor now.  This is from someone who is an introverted extrovert.  I help myself, and hit all dead ends Googling help, calling 911, calling mental hospitals and state/county resources; no, no, no is what I got from them.  So, I do not ask for much or show my tears but I didnt have to with NAMI.  I simply had to stat what I believe, or felt, and what I thought I needed, suggested what they felt I could benefit from, and then they offered me more resources.  Thats how I found NAMI Family to Family. 

NAMI.org