Finally Diagnosed

[Mike76]

I can drop the u ... .  My wife of 5 years has BPD.  

28 Months ago I come across words I first come across a website(I do not think it was this one at first) that had the words Borderline Personality Disorder.  Although I never heard those words before the symptoms and effects on my we my life fit to a T.

During the past 2 plus years I have never mentioned idea of BPD to my wife.

A couple weeks ago I saw a piece of paper in which mentioned living with BPD from my wife's T.  My wife did not know I saw it so I kept it quite for the last several weeks.

Tonight when she came home from her T she said we need to talk.   I said ok and sat down with her.

She said "My T told me I have a diagnoses... . "  she does not like the label it is so she calls it "affective instability".  My wife has not yet called it BPD.  

I am not all sure what "affective instability" means yet, but when I google it BPD in mentioned in everyone on the links. 

My T and our MC are in the same office... .  I was told by my wife the worked on the diagnoses together... .

My wife said I have something also(did not mention what it is)... .  My guess is some type of  co-odependency.  I know I have failed at the lessons and validation.

I stayed very quite and calm when she was talking to me... . my wife was very calm I think on of the calmest times she as ever talked to me.  She has notes from her T session on how to talk to me and a couple topics she really wanted to cover(it systems and how it relates to her).   She used the word "Acute symptoms" several times.  I did not question anything or every say  "Yes I know all this stuff"

Although it seems like all positive I am a little concerned.  My wife talked little about change and more about "she is who she is. "  I am hoping it is because her T is not pressuring her YET... . and will once everyone is on the same table.  Me, her, her T, my T, and our MC we can start talking about treatment.

I am not sure to if I feel sick, happy, excited, or sad, now that we have a diagnoses.  I guess if I can use scared I will use that "Scared"

We meet with our MC (that helped\new about diagnoses) later this week.  The MC does not know I know about BPD to the degree I do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[motherof1yearold]

Sorry to hear about the situation, but glad she has a diagnosis now.

I believe many diagnosed BPDs just go with her same mentality. One sad part is that , having the diagnosis gives them the mentality that they have a free 'get out of jail free card' to run wild. They believe they can get away with any behavior because they have a disorder. They have no intentions of helping themselves.

Do you have an visits with her T? If so, I do hope you bring up the point I just made. I know she has only just been diagnosed, but her mentality about the diagnosis is alarming.

[Chosen]

Wow that's some progress Mike76.  I hope the dx will help her get proper treatment in due course.

[Mike76]

Wow that's some progress Mike76.  I hope the dx will help her get proper treatment in due course.

Agreed... . I also hope the treatment does come in time.

Sorry to hear about the situation, but glad she has a diagnosis now.

I believe many diagnosed BPDs just go with her same mentality. One sad part is that , having the diagnosis gives them the mentality that they have a free 'get out of jail free card' to run wild. They believe they can get away with any behavior because they have a disorder. They have no intentions of helping themselves.

Do you have an visits with her T? If so, I do hope you bring up the point I just made. I know she has only just been diagnosed, but her mentality about the diagnosis is alarming.

I am most concerned she is going to have the the opinion of the get of of jail free card.  In the last couple weeks, I am guess since about the time she found out of the BPD. When she would make rage she would put a slightly different spin in it.

I do not get to meet with my T until after we meet with the MC.  I wish I would have the chance to talk out a little first but I feel that I may be ok.

[Wrongturn1]

Mike, the dx sounds like good news to me and certainly a milestone (not to mention validation of your longstanding hunch about BPD).  Look at it this way, although now your BPDw might temporarily feel like she has a "get out of jail free" card, the chances of her getting treatment and finding some degree of recovery are now exponentially higher than before.

Also, if you end up feeling comfortable talking about it, it might be enlightening/helpful for the rest of us nons to hear what official diagnosis you receive (if any).  However, I wonder if maybe the T told your w that you had a diagnosed condition so that your w wouldn't feel singled out and invalidated as the only one with an official diagnosis... .

[motherof1yearold]

I see too often that those diagnosed with BPD abuse the 'get out of jail free card' and don't take ANY accountability for their actions. They always just respond saying ' I CAN'T HELP it, I have BPD!"  They believe because they have a diagnosis, that they have no control over themselves. So basically, anything flies.

[bruceli]

I can drop the u ... .  My wife of 5 years has BPD.  

28 Months ago I come across words I first come across a website(I do not think it was this one at first) that had the words Borderline Personality Disorder.  Although I never heard those words before the symptoms and effects on my we my life fit to a T.

During the past 2 plus years I have never mentioned idea of BPD to my wife.

A couple weeks ago I saw a piece of paper in which mentioned living with BPD from my wife's T.  My wife did not know I saw it so I kept it quite for the last several weeks.

Tonight when she came home from her T she said we need to talk.   I said ok and sat down with her.

She said "My T told me I have a diagnoses... . "  she does not like the label it is so she calls it "affective instability".  My wife has not yet called it BPD.  

I am not all sure what "affective instability" means yet, but when I google it BPD in mentioned in everyone on the links. 

My T and our MC are in the same office... .  I was told by my wife the worked on the diagnoses together... .

My wife said I have something also(did not mention what it is)... .  My guess is some type of  co-odependency.  I know I have failed at the lessons and validation.

I stayed very quite and calm when she was talking to me... . my wife was very calm I think on of the calmest times she as ever talked to me.  She has notes from her T session on how to talk to me and a couple topics she really wanted to cover(it systems and how it relates to her).   She used the word "Acute symptoms" several times.  I did not question anything or every say  "Yes I know all this stuff"

Although it seems like all positive I am a little concerned.  My wife talked little about change and more about "she is who she is. "  I am hoping it is because her T is not pressuring her YET... . and will once everyone is on the same table.  Me, her, her T, my T, and our MC we can start talking about treatment.

I am not sure to if I feel sick, happy, excited, or sad, now that we have a diagnoses.  I guess if I can use scared I will use that "Scared"

We meet with our MC (that helped\new about diagnoses) later this week.  The MC does not know I know about BPD to the degree I do.

This reply is the same one DW uses and says too.  She actually said something to this effect in T one day and followed it up with ... . " sucks to be you".  If I could have gotten a pic of how wide the T's eyes where when she said this... . One of those priceless moments... .

[yeeter]

I'm going to play the optimist here and say that many of the people that have truly made progress, have started by acknowledging that there is something that needs work.

If she takes it this way, it is indeed good news and you can start working on it together.

I do understand your apprehensions... . Time will tell, but maybe this will open a door?

[waverider]

She is as fragile as a glass flower at the moment. Do not rush anything. Many things could happen from here. maybe all of them, she could cycle though fear/no hope/depression/denial/resignation and using it as an excuse/anger.

There is still a long way to go, her personality has not changed and insight is in itself not a fix.

As to what you know, dont talk about the Disorder as a whole but you can help her relate various apparent disjointed behaviors back to common origins. eg Black and white thinking, fear of now being forever, abandoment etc. That is you gather the symptoms to related causes. But dont lump everything under the Disorder title. Its too big a topic as a whole

A dx may be a light at the end of the tunnel to you. But to them they thought they were in the light and have just been shown they are actually in a tunnel. Not quite as optimistic an outlook.

[bruceli]

She is as fragile as a glass flower at the moment. Do not rush anything. Many things could happen from here. maybe all of them, she could cycle though fear/no hope/depression/denial/resignation and using it as an excuse/anger.

There is still a long way to go, her personality has not changed and insight is in itself not a fix.

As to what you know, dont talk about the Disorder as a whole but you can help her relate various apparent disjointed behaviors back to common origins. eg Black and white thinking, fear of now being forever, abandoment etc. That is you gather the symptoms to related causes. But dont lump everything under the Disorder title. Its too big a topic as a whole

A dx may be a light at the end of the tunnel to you. But to them they thought they were in the light and have just been shown they are actually in a tunnel. Not quite as optimistic an outlook.

Excellent discription of my PDw right now.  Will be using this one too... .