I don't agree with that author. It's one opinion.

Adolescents have the task of forming their own identity. They know they are "not their parents"- they are their own person,  but they don't know who they are exactly- so they may go through different ideas- clothing, music, hairstyles- that are "not their parent". For a teen girl- this could involve a form of "rejecting" the mother in some way. I think it takes an emotionally secure mother to get through this stage- and a mother who has the emotional maturity to not react in a hurtful way. Teen need boundaries but the boundaries change as they mature.

Emotional maturity, a sense of self, and boundaries are areas of difficulty with BPD.

This idea of teen age mother daughter issues is especially concerning to me because BPD mother "explained" our relationship that way at the time, and also implies it's a stage and it was due to my being a teen ager- taking any accountability away from her. My being a teen was the reason and it was assumed I'd get over it.

Sometimes it is the teen who has the issues- a teen may have a disorder, or troublesome behaviors. Or it may be situational- the teen is doing fine at school and elsewhere- but not at home- then one has to look at what is going on at home. It's not usual for a "troublesome teen" to be making straight A's at school like your D is. I did well in school too. Behaviors like promiscuity or drugs, or rule breaking- these didn't happen either. Yet somehow according to my mother, we had a "mother-daughter" teen age problem.

I experienced this from the parent perspective too. Yes, there were times my own teen D had me in tears- the moodiness, the rejecting of my ideas- like if I bought her something to wear, she didn't like it, or if I said something she'd roll her eyes. But who is the adult in this relationship- me- and this behavior isn't about me but my own child trying to decide who she was. The basics were in place- good grades, friends at school, no delinquent behavior. Boundaries were still there but I had to adjust them to this new stage. This is that "normal teen conflict" my mother was referring to, but it was qualitatively different from the situation with my own BPD mother.

The other side of this is that I got to experience what being a "normal" teen is from observing her- something I didn't experience. My teen could "push back" at me in this process because she wasn't afraid of me. I may have felt hurt feelings but I didn't respond with verbal or emotional abuse. My teen wasn't parentified- she wasn't responsible for my feelings. She didn't come home from school wondering what kind of mood I would be in.

If my relationship with my mother was due to "mother -daughter" teen conflict- then I should have "outgrown it". In that case, the issues would be resolved. I feel I tried. I assumed the blame for the relationship and have tried to establish a better one as an adult but she still has BPD. She is still emotionally and verbally abusive as she was when I was a teen.

Explaining what went on at home when I was a teen as a "teen age mother-daugher conflict" was invalidating and put the reason on me. It also hid the chaos and emotionally abusive behaviors that were going on at the time.

Hi Gopher89, I am in a similar situation and about to do the very same thing.   I am not having a conversation about it, I am having my attorney write a letter on my behalf which was the recommendation from a psychologist I consulted with.

Attempts at validation can have unpredictable results with a BPD partner because you are trying to validate someone who has projected parts of themselves onto you that they cannot accept.   So even if what you say is genuine, it may not be received that way.   This is different from normal relationships.

Our D12 has been having major issues with her mom, uBPDx who left when D was 1 and our son had just turned 4.

There was an issue when D was 10, but counseling didn't help though it kind of died down. Recently, it got bad in that D12 was openly telling her mom that she hated her. Mom called me, crying in frustration, to take D for a week. After the break, they seem to be getting along.

I ran into yet another mother today who told me that mother-daughter conflict was common and a "thing." I've talked to mothers who've told me that they were glad that they only had boys. Back in the 80s, when my mom was friends with other single mothers with daughters, my mom told me how the daughters would change at 11. My mom's solution was to be harder on them, naturally *eyeroll*

Is this a thing you've experienced, and what do daughters of BPD mothers think? I ran across this article today.

https://www.rosjke.com/the-emotional-crisis-between-mothers-and-daughters/#:~:text=Mother%2Ddaughter%20relationship%20conflict%20is,difficult%20relationship%20with%20their%20mother

William Eddy (lawyer, mediator, author, lecturer, etc) has written several books on dealing with High Conflict Persons (HCPs) and one of them is - can you guess? - It's All Your Fault!

Borderline traits - they vary in impact depending on the person - are especially Blaming, Blame Shifting, Denying and Accusing.  Dealing with them is difficult and requires skills, insight and educated support such as is found here in peer support and with therapists.

William Eddy (HighConflictInstitute.com) has written has written several books on handling conflict.  One of them is a most helpful handbook for us here, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

This is all extremely helpful advice and I am so thankful for it. Deescalating is soooo hard. How do you do that when they're literally telling you that you're a piece a PLEASE READ, a bitch, a cunt, arrogant, stupid, worthless. I totally get that they are really describing their own insecurities and projecting. I don't say insulting things back, but what are you supposed to say to that? The stance that I have been taking is that I will no longer allow him to take my peace. When he says insulting things, I have said they don't hurt me anymore and just reflect on his character.Most of the time I won't respond at all, and that really makes him mad. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. He last text were that he wanted nothing to do with me. I always think Good!, but that usually only lasts a couple of days. Then he's telling me he loves me and needs me in his life, and I have to say no, and it starts all over again. I have apologized for hurting him until I'm blue in the face in an attempt to deescalate, but we have all been there. There's no pleasing or placating them. He just keeps on and on ....I do believe he is capable of physical violence. He hasn't put his hands on me, but he's come really close a few times, and on multiple occasions has blocked the door so that I couldn't leave, and basically held me prisoner until he had said every hateful thing he wanted to. After I txt him the info regarding the storage, I will stay with my daughter for at least a week, maybe 2. The advice for the phrasing about putting his stuff in a safe place a great. I will use that. I also picked a place that is closer to his house, a nice storage, and in a nice area. I will try telling him he needs to be able to find peace in his life, and I bring him strife, and I want good things for him. All of that true. Keep the advice coming. I can definitely use it!

Yes, be the parent proposing solutions.  While court may assume it'sboth spouses causing the friction, eventually court will take note they you're the one proposing solutions, not obstructing and sabotaging.

Sadly, court doesn't care how nice or fair you try to be.  So don't short yourself legally or parenting-wise with hopes of impressing the court. Just make sure you're not nasty nor the least bit threatening.  Always behave decently, have your kids' interests at heart, and -eventually- court may notice.

It is a little different with BPD people though.

Because they are collecting information and using it against you.  They are spreading their truth and distortions to whomever stands still long enough to listen.

I do believe you need to be very careful.

They are mostly indirect threats but none the less they are threats. 

My ex started to suggest I was stalking her, which ended up being because she was guilty of cheating.

Then she would contact me and turn it around to, I was contacting her.

I got a phone call from her father, and he delivered a strange, veiled threat, that I would watched and have a visit from his brother.  So, I know she has said some outrageous things about me. 

They word it so it is vague and not direct.  That made me decide to break all contact.

Yes you need to de-escalate situations.

But you also need to protect yourself.  Understand it isn't going to get better. 

There is a message in what he is saying, and you should listen to it.  Get out as gently as you can. 

I downplayed everything I was doing, was doing in the future.   I made myself a person in her eyes that nobody would want.   Because I believed that if she saw I would have a better life than her, that might trigger her.  She believes I am her object, I will always be there, she said that she feels like she "owns" me. 

I devalued myself to her.  So, she wouldn't come after me.

The more boring I was, without prospects in her eyes the better that is for me. 

Because I am scared of what she could do.   I have seen how psychotic she can get. 

I broke up with my ex with BPD June of 2023. I have tried letting time heal this wound but here I am, still ruminating about her and mourning the loss of our 8 year relationship. She immediately moved on and I am left here broken. Crying spells and bouts of rage come and go in my life and while this hasn't impacted my work or social life, its not something I want. I tried moving on like she has but it just didn't feel right and every time I was with someone else, my ex would pop into my mind. I tried going to therapy but I don't feel like my therapist really addressed my issues or understood how badly BPD messes you up.

Where can I find a therapist who can specifically help someone like me who has been through the BPD roller coaster?
Going on psychology today doesn't really help because of the vast amount of therapists. I feel like I need someone who has experience with this issue.