I have a strong need to be acknowledged for the issue I have

[incadove]

I haven't posted in a while, but recently I've been interacting more under mild stress with one of my dd's, which makes both of us reactive; and I feel like another one of those 'aha' moments of what is going on.  This is all pretty standard stuff, but it feels different when I come to the conclusions myself :-)

I think, when something happens that bothers me, like something not being returned, or not done as I thought we agreed, I have a strong need to be acknowledged for the issue I have.  So I bring up what is bothering me, or ask for a change in a pretty cut and dried tone.

Dd then takes this as a put down of her being, that I'm not giving her enough credit for how hard she is trying, and basically takes it as an attack.  It makes her feel worthless and rejected.  In the worst case, this causes her so much emotional pain that she feels like she has to sever the relationship (which generally is not for very long, but is a big deal to me nontheless).  

Its ok, and if I can remember to be validating it will deescalate things.  When we have stronger trust she can handle me bringing up issues better.  But my problem is really my own emotions, that I don't feel trust that I'm going to have my concerns and needs met, so it puts me in a more distant place, and she can sense that even if I'm attempting to act positive.   The good thing is she's being more careful to do the specific things that were bugging me!  (returning stuff, etc) .

Sorry this is a bit vague, I feel uncomfortable sharing really recognizable details, it feels like I want to keep some privacy even if this is an anonymous board!  But its the pattern that like struck me, and I wanted to share that feeling. I'm a little sad that we are not in a close trusting place right now, but I think over time its generally improving - way better than it was a few years ago for sure!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hope...]

Hello Incadove.
Thank you for sharing that. I feel since my DD is almost 34 I have been walking on eggshells for all these years. Prior to being with her dad (twenty years with and now twenty yrs without... ):: I sense my D replaced his eggshell walking. I get so sensitive and cry that we do not talk nor does she ever want to do anything with me... In the summer I was her babysitter thats it... I love the kids and they me I appreciate u saying you are too sensitive... I am working on not being too sensitive. Feel like noone understands... Im so happy to have found this site and book... (:
Thank u again for your honesty... Im glad this is a private site... its great. (:
Hope

[Lollypop]

Hi incadove

But my problem is really my own emotions, that I don't feel trust that I'm going to have my concerns and needs met, so it puts me in a more distant place, and she can sense that even if I'm attempting to act positive.  

I think this may be that you’ve an expectation to be treated in the same manner as you treat your daughter?

You know I’ve worked hard getting my relationship on a healthier footing with son28. We don’t overgive, we don’t solve, we don’t have expectations, we don’t judge. It’s been a hard challenge.

The irksome thing is that one would expect in this utopian relationship that I could ask son to cut my hedge, walk the dog, help in an emergency being locked out and he’d open heartedly say “no problem mum, I’d be glad to help”.  Absolutely not. I can ask but I never get my needs met. Ever. We have no expectation other than he’ll refuse. I’ve stopped asking but sometimes I’m in a fix I will ask in the “hope” he’ll be mutually supportive.

I make sure he keeps paying back a loan for a car. I get things back he’s borrowed if I need them. That’s as far as it’s gone,

I’ve realised I need to “up” my skill and assertiveness. I feel a bit of a doormat again. This is an example last Sunday

It’s about 5pm. I’ve been in the woods for 4 hours with no signal filming for my Uni project and walking the dogs. Son18 at football. Son28 working. Husband with me but leaving  straight away when we get back. On walking home my phone starts pinging. Texts from son18 saying he’s injured his ankle and he thinks it may be broken, call from son28 “you said you’d make a dinner for me today”. I tell him about the situation, that there’s no Sunday dinner and I plan on getting a takeaway; he can join me and his younger brother if he likes. I get home, ankle badly sprained and son28 turns up. I offer a choice of pizza, chines or Indian. Son28 makes it clear he doesn’t want pizza or Chinese and goes on “let’s never do Chinese as a family”. Seems slightly aggressive comment. I say “come on down with me to go and get an Indian then”. He replies “I’ve only just got in so, no”. I say “I’ve just got in myself”. But I still go down to town for the takeaway. Son28 knew he was being selfish and he tried to recover/repair and I let him.

I’m still irritated by his selfishness, lack of understanding and sympathy. I was paying after all. Him agreeing to pop down to town would have been a thoughtful and supportive act. I asked. If I’d have been his mate he’d not think twice and hopped in the car with him.

The “norm” is I give, he takes.
It’s never - I ask, he gives.
It’s never - he gives.

Alarm bells are ringing because my emotional response is “I’ll be glad when he moves on, I’m tired of this”. I totally agree with you about the response being to distance oneself.

I think that’s it incadove, I’m tired... .demonstration of behaviours and a positive response only goes so far if somebody is naturally a “taker” and/or “inconsiderate”.   I sometimes think “he’ll be sorry when I’m dead”. I don’t want to be that person - that’s a victim.

I can’t change my son and make him a kinder person who thinks of others, particularly his family,

Do you think I’m right, that it’s about not having any expectation at all?  For the important stuff we have to put a limit or a boundary?

I’d love to know your thoughts. Because if there’s something I can do to improve this situation I’d be glad to know. I guess this need that I want to be met is - be considerate of me. I don’t think he’s capable.

LP
.

[DharmaGate]

Incadove,
“

This is all pretty standard stuff, but it feels different when I come to the conclusions myself

:-)”  For sure but i do not see this as standard stuff i see awareness of really crucial interpersonal elements like this…

“I have a strong need to be acknowledged for the issue I have.”

 Amen!  I think this is human nature, but if we are not aware of it we cant work with it.
I am doing alot of reading of the material here, as i see you are, i saw you at validation workshop.   Anyway what i am reading in your post and in that material is doing what is recommended takes extraordinary skills and patience, like we are doing the opposite of natural reactions.  So great to hear you are feeling some results, although i hear you on the sadness.

Anyway i cant thank you enough for posts like this, i relate to all your saying and i am sure others are too.  I admire the work you are doing.

[Feeling Better]

Hi incadove, I’m sorry that you feel that you’re not having your own needs met, and I can understand what you mean when you say that it puts you in a more distant place. I think when we have personal boundaries and someone doesn’t respect them, (like your dd not returning something or not doing something as you’d both agreed), it can make us feel sad and let down by that person, especially if we, ourselves, don’t treat others that way. We expect to be treated the same, and if we aren’t, our feelings are hurt.

I’m sure you know yourself that it’s all about lowering our expectations and accepting what is. For now. Because as you say, once you have stronger trust between the two of you, you will feel more able to bring these issues up.

FB x

[incadove]

Wow this is such a warm and supportive place, thank you all for being so giving and sharing!

I'm afraid I am not such a giving person, I did do a fair amount for the kids but I tend to have my needs also always in mind, so I'm pretty demanding.   My dd's also remember are not really BPD, but they did go thru abuse + abandonment (long story, I knew them a long time but I didn't have them as mine until later) at a young age, which I think produces a lot of the same emotions.

I have to say, I cannot complain about not having my needs met - dd who I was complaining about returned everything and gave a generous gift besides to youngest sib.  And both dd's are hyper-considerate now, after much storms in past years.  If anything I think maybe I am too demanding - I have really zero tolerance for boundary crossing.  Eldest dd is able after to expose her deep sadness to me, her very deep feelings of unworthiness and being unloved, and I try to remember this for next time. 

LP, Feeling Better I know you from other threads and I have so much respect for how hard you work at this.  FB I also felt that tremendous regret, where at times we had been so close and then missing that, it can be an intense pain no?  All kids grow up and move on to an extent but ours can be so much more extreme.  Taking the time to grow in your own life can help I think, then keeping to offer lightly to support/connect - that is the best I can figure.  Hope I hear you in needing the distance sometimes!
LP I have been thinking of what you said happened with your son, it feels like one of those things that could either cause more distance or need to be dealt with in a bit deeper way.  If I want to be close to my dd I try to talk about things that bother me, if I need distance I let it be more and say the minimum - ie worrying that neighbor could have been hurt (tho I can see from his perspective it was just a prank, its not ok).  I am sure he felt the strength of your feeling about it, hope that helps guide him to understand.
Dharmagate thank you for all the wisdom!  I learn and then I forget to think about it all!