I told him that I had said he was with his gran so he could talk to her in peace and that he was scared of his stepdad and that she needed to start putting the kids before him.
Hi enlightenme,
My ex is similar. For example I had brought it to my son's teachers attention at a meeting that I'd like to have my son tested for autism and wanted to get her opinion based on how he interacts in class etc.
I go to meetings separately than my ex because I don't want to be triangulated and made look like the bad person. I don't want my ex to project herself unto me and I want the teachers to get their impression of me firsthand as to build relationships with them with minimal distortions from my ex.
My ex had her appointment after my appointment and the teacher had asked if I was going to discuss the suggestion of testing with my ex. I politely said "I'm sorry, we're recently seperated and I think it may help if you talk to her" The teacher talked about our discussion and I received an accusatory email that evening from my ex "How dare you slag me to the teachers!"
My point. Your ex may display a lack of empathy and lack of impulse control and difficulties seeing beyond her needs, the bigger picture and other people's needs in the family. I understand the frustration and it is a part of the disorder.
This is how she is, it's mental illness and if you tell her she's self centered it's going to trigger feelings of guilt and shame. Someone has to be the bad person and it's certainly not going to be her, she'll blame or alter reality and it's not something that we can control. I don't tell my ex she puts herself in from of the kids as to minimize conflict and I understand she's mentally ill and won't validate my concerns - I deal with her as she is and forgo bringing her maladaptive coping mechanisms to her attention. If she were to egregiously cross a boundary, I save it by documenting it for court at a later time. She may follow the court order if it's enforced by a judge for example as everything I say falls unto deaf ears.
He's scared of his step dad and likely can't depend on mom, it's difficult for your son to cope at home? It's difficult for my D9 as well and I foster trust by keeping what she says with me and not taking it back to mom. Someone that's in her corner, and she has her loyalty and trust with her mom as well. It's painful when we listen to the dysfunctional behaviors acted out on them in their other home. If I need support I speak to a select few friends to vent or I use the boards. I validate her feelings and it helps her to open up and she trusts and I give her advice on how to emotionally cope.
On the other side of the coin you also say you are trying to get custody and have them live with you? It may also help that your son's can approach you with their feelings and situations without the fear of it going back to mom. She may also tell her H and make you look like the bad person and it may trigger him?
It's not fun as a parent seeing or hearing the trials they go through with a disordered parent and a parent that displays traits of a PD, it really helps them to have an emotionally stable parent that they can lean on without feeling anxiety that mom or stepdad may find out to lesson the chances of either parent blowing up on them at their other home. Every little bit counts to make their lives a little easier.