My adult transgender daughter has BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am a 53 year old mother of a 24 year old male to female transgender daughter with BPD. At first I thought the whole problem was her being transgender before she was diagnosed with BPD after a suicide attempt. Her illness is tearing my family apart. Her father, my ex-husband is a functioning borderline and has abandoned her. She has not worked in 4 years and is extremely paranoid. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to get her help. Her last therapist couldn't handle her anymore and wanted me to send her to Malibu Vista in CA for 30 days at a cost for me of $18,000. I found another DBT therapist that has trained with Marsha Linehan and is great, but I am spending $600/mo for just the weekly therapy and when she joins the group that will be an additional an additional $300/month. I am a RN and to me this is a lot of money. My car is 16 years old and I need a whole lot of home repairs that I can't afford to do because of this expense, that my insurance doesn't pay for. She is now on her 4th therapist. Her behavior is also affecting my marriage, my mental health and my 14 year old as well. My 14 year old hasn't had a friend to our house in 2 years. I am so sick and tired of the verbal abuse, filthy language, complaining, I am literally physically and mentally drained. She has told me that she can't live and will commit suicide if she can't get sex reassignment surgery and that costs about $30,000 dollars. I'm at work so I can't really share anymore at this time, but no one seems to understand. I feel like we are in a black hole and can't get out. I am also a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 14 mos, some days it is hard, because I would just like to escape into a bottle! Thanks for reading!

[Glynnis]

I am a 53 year old mother of a 24 year old male to female transgender daughter with BPD. At first I thought the whole problem was her being transgender before she was diagnosed with BPD after a suicide attempt. Her illness is tearing my family apart. Her father, my ex-husband is a functioning borderline and has abandoned her. She has not worked in 4 years and is extremely paranoid. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to get her help. Her last therapist couldn't handle her anymore and wanted me to send her to Malibu Vista in CA for 30 days at a cost for me of $18,000. I found another DBT therapist that has trained with Marsha Linehan and is great, but I am spending $600/mo for just the weekly therapy and when she joins the group that will be an additional an additional $300/month. I am a RN and to me this is a lot of money. My car is 16 years old and I need a whole lot of home repairs that I can't afford to do because of this expense, that my insurance doesn't pay for. She is now on her 4th therapist. Her behavior is also affecting my marriage, my mental health and my 14 year old as well. My 14 year old hasn't had a friend to our house in 2 years. I am so sick and tired of the verbal abuse, filthy language, complaining, I am literally physically and mentally drained. She has told me that she can't live and will commit suicide if she can't get sex reassignment surgery and that costs about $30,000 dollars. I'm at work so I can't really share anymore at this time, but no one seems to understand. I feel like we are in a black hole and can't get out. I am also a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 14 mos, some days it is hard, because I would just like to escape into a bottle! Thanks for reading!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Glynnis,



Congrats on 14 months sobriety! I understand how lonely that feels when we can't turn to someone that understands what it's like to have a loved one with mental illness. You'll find that you'll fit right in here, many of our members can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. It's therapeutic to write and it helps to talk.

I can see how financially, emotionally and physically exhausting that would be for you with high expenses, threats, negativity and bad language. The lessons are at the top of the board. It helps to set boundaries and limits, boundaries help protect us and take care of us but you'll probably get lashing out at the onset when a family members is not used to boundaries or floating boundaries. Are you getting a break from all of this? What do you for self care? I'm glad that you have found us. You're not alone  

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

[livednlearned]

Hi Glynnis,

Welcome and hello 

My partner's D19 is also transgender. She's been dx'd bipolar and meets 6 of the 9 criteria for BPD, comorbid with dependent personality disorder.

I am so confused by the transgender part when BPD is involved, to be honest. I see identity disturbances and that is more confusing to me than what gender she identifies with.

It is ok to acknowledge that you cannot pay for the reassignment surgery. This is your daughter's goal and she can work toward it. Perhaps it will take some effort on your part to validate her, while also learning some of the skills to coach her toward competence. I know it's hard. When a child threatens suicide, it is paralyzing.

My BPD sufferer has pushed me to the limit this summer (she's only with us for another two weeks), and I was married to a BPD/bipolar ex husband, and have a son with mental illness as well. What I learned is to take care of myself first so that when I interacted with D19 I could be in a place of compassion and empathy, and apply the skills I was learning. When you are compassionate and empathetic, it helps to elevate the BPD sufferer's skills toward competence. The struggle is to be able to stay in that place when you feel like all you hear is complaining and abuse.

Change is hard, too. If you have felt weakened by the abuse and feel the strain of the relationship, there is often an initial push back as boundaries shift.

We're here to help walk with you. 

You're not alone.

[meantcorn34]

Hi Glynnis,
I have a 23 year old son who is transgender, female to male. He also has BPD  and bipolar. I don't know where your daughter is at in the process of transitioning, so can only share my experience and hope it is somewhat helpful.

We went to a community health center specifically for lgbt. My son was so relieved to be completely accepted. Starting on testosterone injections, the first step of transitioning, and living as a man helped him so much. No more crying about transitioning.  His adjustment to testosterone had some rough spots, but after a few months, his BPD symptoms occurred less often. He became acquainted with others who were also transitioning. They all struggle with finding a way to pay for surgery.

Many surgeons require a psychological clearance before they will perform any procedure. Is your daughter aware of that? Has she made plans for her transition?

My son is on Social Security Disability and has Medicare.  Is your daughter unable to work?  What do her therapists say about that?  If she qualifies, it would be a huge help to you.

The tools you will learn here will enable you to let her own her own issues and make life easier for you.  My son threatened suicide and went to crisis only once in the past year! I changed and he changed.

Better days are ahead.