Teen daughter refuses therapy

[WickedStepMum]

We got her a psychologist to help her. Our daughter said she actually liked her. We were relieved. That was last week.

This week she’s skipped her appointment yesterday with the therapist. We rescheduled it for today, and again, she’s saying she doesn’t feel like going.

I don’t know what to do. My husband is slowly and gently working on changing her mind/feelings.

What do we do with a 15 yr old who doesn’t want to get help?
We already quit our jobs to look after her 24/7 because she refuses to go to a therapeutic boarding school. Husband and I pee in shifts. One of us always has to be with her.
We try to steal a few hours of sleep here and there but only while she herself sleeps.

Our house alarm used to be to keep strangers out at night. Now, it’s become something to wake us up and keep her in from running away.

We’re completely dejected and alone in this. I honestly thought I was losing my husband to a heart attack a couple of weeks ago after he stumbled in the hallway.

I need someone to tell me something because I’m about to crack from enduring this in silence. .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi WickedStepMum, you're going through so much right now  Parenting/stepparenting teens is tough enough without BPD involved!

I'm guessing from your user name that you're the stepmom? Did I get that right?

Blended family dynamics can make what should be "routine" / "united front" parenting decisions feel high-stakes. I'm a stepmom too, I get it.

Does your daughter (or stepdaughter, please correct me if I'm off) play you and your H off of each other? Are there any other parents involved? Does she make threats like "if you try to make me do XYZ I'm just going to Mom's house/Dad's house/other house"?

I think we're both on the same page that the current setup isn't sustainable. You and your H need to work and sleep.

What do you think is the worst-case scenario that would happen if you and H got whatever involvement (legal, police, whatever) it took to get her on that plane and into residential? I.e., is your biggest fear that she would disown/reject you, hate you, physically hurt you/H, hurt herself, outsmart everything and run away...?

I also have fears about if/how my stepparenting might "blow things up". The kids are 15 & 17 and it's really hard to navigate -- I don't want to be a pushover, yet in order to pick my battles, I let a LOT of things go that maybe I should've addressed.

Keep us posted on how you guys are doing;

kells76

[WickedStepMum]

Someone once told me that step-parenting is having all the responsibilities of a parent and none of the authority.

Over the years, I’ve assumed a bit of a “Nacho Parent” stance on how I approached my stepdaughter. I don’t discipline her, and if I want her to do something or change her behaviour etc, anything, I go to her father and talk to him about it. He’s always been good about him and I being on the same page.
This made it possible for there to be less resentment within our dynamics. However, the onset of her BPD has naturally made this process difficult to maintain.

To answer your question, not really, because her mother isn’t in her life. She’s off living her best narc/bpd life. So there aren’t any “allies” she’s able to play off of us. She doesn’t make threats so much as just act out in the moment.

You know, she’s already been held in a 5150 psych hold, has been to a residential treatment house where she learned how to run away, because she made friends with a meth addicted teen who deceived and manipulated my kid into running away with her. This girl made a beeline for the homeless and druggies, looking for meth.  They ended up getting sex trafficked by the local gang. Our daughter managed to run away, but not before she had been plied with meth, weed and booze, then raped by multiple men. She was a virgin.

So she was rescued by police after escaping the gang, then sent to another psych hold where she met more troubled teens, before getting out. She’s acquired new terrible habits and desires… and doesn’t believe she’s crazy, or needs therapy. Believes she can assume a normal highschool life in September. She’s repeating 9th grade. She’s just existing on our livingroom sofa and doesn’t do anything all day. I know she’s filled with self loathing and low low esteem. She’s in her own vicious cycle and we dont know how to bump her out of it.